Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Top 10: Kid Clothes for Whores and Gangsters

Thank you, Britney Spears. And P Diddy. And Bratz, the tarted-up Dora, Jersey Shore, all of the Kardashians, and Chinese clothing manufacturers. You have made shopping for our children an exercise in futility. With the exception of Mini-Mini-Me, they have all developed preferences for clothing that doesn't have cute little bears, butterflies or other creatures indiginous to nature on them. They are also completely repelled by anything that is p.l.a.i.n. Like the classic Gap white t-shirt. Simple, yet chic.

No. we're not going for chic here. We're going for statement. And that statement is "Aww, hell no." A sampling of the clothing we've had to emphatically decline:

10. Perfectly cute royal blue t-shirt, that is apparently too boxy so McGee feels the ridiculous need to put a ponytail holder on the back to make it tighter (where did they get this idea?) so that Kate can see the exact outline of her bra. With the notable exception that is says LUST across the chest. In gold glittery letters. This was an eight minute long battle. Mostly because Kate wouldn't define "lust" and therefore, according to McGee, it must not be that bad.

9. Graffiti. Why do I want my kid to look like the back of a semi that was parked in the wrong part of town overnight?

8. In the back-to-school section: T-shirt with school paper on it. Reads: "Homework Sucks" with one of the S's backwards. Fantastic. Let's wear this on the first day of school. 

7. Little girls need white sandals.  These sandals should not have high heels.  Try finding a pair that were not intended for doing the cha cha with Danny Zucko or looking like a Little Miss Perfect reject and I will pay you $20. 

6. Again, cute blue t-shirt. With a happy face on it. Passed Kate's rigorous tests for appropriateness and quality. Purchased. Upon first wearing, Kate notices the eyes are exactly where McGee's boobs are, effectively challenging any non-vision-impaired person to NOT look at her chest. Super.

5. Christmas underwear. On the bum says "Santa, I was good for Christmas" On the BUM? Why would Santa be reading a Girl's Size 7 panties with writing on the bum? Freaks.

4.  There is absolutely no need to make a size 2T jersey with Michael Vick's name on it. Ever.  
3. MC Esher inspried black t-shirt depicting two arms crossing over the torso. In each hand? A gun. Why don't we just lock down the schools now?

2. String, animal-print bikinis with black lace trim in the toddler section.  Are you f*^&ing kidding me? Unless this is a Dateline-type ploy to trap and incarcerate sex offenders, this stuff should not be allowed. Aside from the fact that we think whoever designed this should be greeted by Chris Hanson. Creep.

1. Little girl Easter dresses that could easily double as evening wear for the Bratz Grrlz. What?! What happened to sweet, old-fashioned Laura Ashley dresses? Now it's like Ashlee Simpson instead...who wears black on Easter? Please. One day a year - or, more accurately, one morning a year - can we please just wear polka dots and florals and bows and everyone just be fine with that? Thanks.

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