Thursday, April 1, 2010

Top 10: More Awesome Words We Just Made Up

We have a lot of "mommy-speak" - stupid things that we make up and then say to each other all the time. That's why we made up the MommyLand Desk Reference, so that people could keep track of what we're saying and also of course, so that is may be easily produced as evidence at our commitment hearings. We think it's all hilarious and giggle ourselves stupid every time. In the past few days, we've discovered some new words that we thought we'd share (btw- technically, there are eleven). Here they are!

10. Afghanistence, (noun) hybrid of Afghanistan and abstinence. The type of birth control used by military mommies during their husband's deployment.*

9. Dadtox, (noun) hybrid of Dad and Detox. Describes the state your kids are in when they return to the mommy gulag real world of rules and schedules after being on Daddy time. (verb form: "dadtoxing").  Can also apply to the state of your house, for example: "The kitchen was clean when I left for book club.  Three hours later and it's in dadtox and needs to be hosed down with a power-washer."

8. Jackhole, (noun) hybrid of Jackass and a$$hole. Sounds terrible (so is still satisfying to holler at BMWs who won't let you merge) but as is not technically a curse word, can still be hollered in front of the children.

7. Mmm-Beh (noun) hybrid of yes and goodbye. What Lydia says just before she hangs up the phone.  Distant cousin to "Mmm-kay". 

6. Pirate Monkey (noun) descriptive term derived from Smelly Pirate Hooker. If you are balls-out crazy and come from Whore Island - but are not actually whorish in nature - you may be a Pirate Monkey. If you are English and the meet that description, you are probably a Cheeky Pirate Monkey. If you are Lydia, and you have just told Kate to suck it suck it suck it, you are a Smelly Pirate Monkey With Yesterday's Hair.

5. Serftern, (noun) hybrid of serf and intern. Mommyland needs an intern in a big way. Because there are stupid technical things about the internet (like HTML code - that doesn't even sound real). But we also would like it if this person would fetch us Venti Caramel Ralph Macchios. And perhaps, on occasion, fold some laundry. And we would pay this person the same comprehensive and generous salary/benefits package that we receive as stay at home moms (that would be nothing). So, technically that would make make us the (imaginary) intern's feudal lords. Is that so wrong?

4. Snitches, (noun) hybrid of sneaky and b*tches. While we acknowledge previous definitions of this particular word (i.e. prison tattle-telling and a little ball you chase in Quidditch), our version of "snitches" is the polite, non-soapy-mouth version of snarking on people who are tricky in a bad way. Often refers to our kids.  For example: "Those little snitches stole and ate an entire box of my Samoas!"

3. Strack, (noun) hybrid of sticky and car and crap. Mysterious unidentifiable detritus found in between the cushions and under the seats of the car. Usually comprised of juice boxes, fruit snacks, goldfish, spilled milk, McDonald's French Fries, melted M&Ms and discarded half-eaten lollipops. Best strategy for strack removal? Buy a new car.

2. Turdish, (adjective) the face one makes when one smells a turd. For example: "Is she a snitch, or was she just being turdish?" Quite possibly the way Lydia described Kate after their first meeting. Or Bella Swan, here.  ---------------------> 

1. Whacktacular, (adjective) hybrid of whack and spectacular. Describes items that are both strangely odd and yet compelling, i.e. Lydia's stripey hair, and some of Kate's shoes. Acceptable conjugations: whacktacularness (noun) quality or state of being whacktacular or whacktacularly (adverb) of, or relating to being both whack and spectacular.

0. Whuck, (interrogatory) hybrid of what and f**k, clearly. Or more accurately - "what the f**k"? Happily added to the Mommyland Arsenal of Words That Are Not Technically Curse Words. Coincidentally, term coined by Happy, after breaking a brand new crayon. 

UPDATE! It has come to our attention that Tina Fey used this word in an episode of 30 Rock around the same time we first posted this list.  That figures.  Oh Tina.  Damn you and your awesomeness.  If you got any cooler you'd have to wear a pink ladies jacket like Rizzo in Grease.  We love  you...

*Me and my completely awesome neighbors Ellen and Mimi were discussing birth control the other day.  One of us wouldn't 'fess up, one said she used Afghanistence, and the third said she used "natural family planning"  - which we decided should also be called 'The Duggar Method'

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24 comments:

  1. Your blog is absolutely whacktacular. I love that you are equal opportunity snitches in that our beloved Bella, played by the unfortunate KStew, is not off-limits to snarky comments. Oh, and I nearly fell out of the chair laughing at 'the Duggar Method.' But your link is already outdated. They've got 19 kids now . . . and counting.

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  2. Haha. I think it'd be funny to hear a little kid yelling "whuck"! It'd be even funnier to hear them yelling "jackhole", but I'm suspecting that some people might realize the derivation of that one. You should have your kids test it out in church! (Or did that already happen?)

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  3. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Not only is there Afghanistence, but Iraqitence as well as many many other forms of birth control, lol, that the military loves to throw at us military mommies! Love this name though and will use it--with of course reference to where I got it. I also love your variation on smelly pirate hooker! Again always a delight to read!

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  4. I love Whuck, but are you sure that Happy did not get it from 30 Rock? Because Liz Lemon said it last week after Tina Fey said in Entertainment Weekly that she was going to try it out. That and Jackhole are my favorites, my friends and I have been using "jackhole" in front of our more delicate, non-profane friends for years!

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  5. Katie,
    I think Happy got it from me attempting to edit myself and sorta doing the "whu--th--ck" under my breath. He really just listens too much. And then rats me out to his teacher. "Mommy said the red car was ass." I'm awesome.
    Maybe I should just let him watch 30Rock...how much worse can it get???
    xoxo Kate

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  6. I say spazztastic all time. Combining Spazz and Tastic because some people are just that.

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  7. ok - whuck and jackhole are my new favorite words!

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  8. I am CRACKING UP over Afghanistence!!! I just talked to my husband and told him about it and he thought it was awesome. lol I will be using that word from now on. Oh and I'm stealing the picture too. Awesomeness. Oh and I've already done Iraqenstence for a year and this is my second year of Afghanistence. Deployments can suck it suck it suck it.

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  9. I have needed the word "strack" for a long, long time, and your strack's ingredient list is identical to mine, plus or minus some Cheerios. Thank you!

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  10. I am so down for being your serftern....only I would be no help on the HTML code front as I am completely clueless myself. You ladies are hilarious!

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  11. God, I so needed the word Dadtox. It's just. so. accurate.

    Bravo.

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  12. Thanks for Jackhole. I'm gonna use it. Frequently. I do like strack. But what word could I use for sticky, crap and sofa. Hope to see that on your next list.

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  13. I LOVE these!! I am going to start using these in every day language just to mess with people. Jackhole is awesome. I wonder if I can use that at work and get away with it. I've been trying to create a new word for "idiot" so I can use it and claim it's a term of endearment.

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  14. Jackhole - YES! Stealing it.

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  15. I love your blog. It was just sent to me a few weeks ago but it is hilarious!

    One thing though... NFP and the practice the Duggar's use are really, really, really different...

    Natural family planning is, in essence, using your fertility to achieve or abstain from pregnancy. They just "do it" (for lack of better wording) and what happens happens.. There is no conscious effort either way :)

    Not trying to be a buzzkill or anything. Either way it IS funny.. It's just, a lot of people don't know that and because of the duggars, automatically assume that NFP means tons of children.. When in reality it just means no artificial means of BC....

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  16. Actually used jackhole twice today. Whuck once. Thaks for expanding my vocab.

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  17. So Ellen uses Afganistince since her hubs has redeployed, Mimi uses NFP because who else but the person who wanted to use Boo Radley's sister's given name would call nfp 'nfp' and Lydia wouldn't fess up. Nice.

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  18. Hi Goldie! Mimi here:0) You beat me to it! Thanks though. You know the funnier thing is I still don't know what duggars is:0(

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  19. I am very appreciative of "jackhole". I've used it twice. It sounds naughty even though it's technically not & it relieves the "!&*@^#" feeling when said to hubby in breakdown moment... he he

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  20. I use jackhole once in a while, but more often than not, it's jack-knob, because it's really fin to say!

    LOVE whacktackular, too! And mmmm-beh is a common word in my house. :)

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  21. My friend has been referring to her ex-hubby as "asshat" (or AH for short) for about a year now... it's the PERFECT word to describe him too. And after discussing it with a few my other friends that have fan-freakin'-tabulous exhusbands.... they've adopted the term too.

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  22. A few years ago the CBC had a contest for words that should be in the dictionary but aren't... ones I especially remember
    Snurds -the dirty snow lumps stuck in your car's wheel well
    Slinkles -the wrinkles on your face after you sleep on... a lumpy pillow
    and ... my absolute favorite
    the Faux-Queue - the line at the supermarket that you think is moving fastest, but which as soon as you join it, becomes the slowest checkout line of all time.

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  23. OMG. Jackhole is now my new favorite word to yell at, um... jackholes!! Thanks!

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  24. 9 is wrong, fathers are the mean parent. (At least in my experience[I'm 17]) my mothers only concern was making sure my sister and I where happy, my fathers only concern was that his slave labor wore gloves so we wouldn't bloody up are hands so bad that we couldn't work. Be nice to your children, I haven't seen or talked to my father in multiple years. You don't want that with your kids, its not good for anybody.

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