Thursday, April 1, 2010

Top 10: More Awesome Words We Just Made Up

We have a lot of "mommy-speak" - stupid things that we make up and then say to each other all the time. That's why we made up the MommyLand Desk Reference, so that people could keep track of what we're saying and also of course, so that is may be easily produced as evidence at our commitment hearings. We think it's all hilarious and giggle ourselves stupid every time. In the past few days, we've discovered some new words that we thought we'd share (btw- technically, there are eleven). Here they are!

10. Afghanistence, (noun) hybrid of Afghanistan and abstinence. The type of birth control used by military mommies during their husband's deployment.*

9. Dadtox, (noun) hybrid of Dad and Detox. Describes the state your kids are in when they return to the mommy gulag real world of rules and schedules after being on Daddy time. (verb form: "dadtoxing").  Can also apply to the state of your house, for example: "The kitchen was clean when I left for book club.  Three hours later and it's in dadtox and needs to be hosed down with a power-washer."

8. Jackhole, (noun) hybrid of Jackass and a$$hole. Sounds terrible (so is still satisfying to holler at BMWs who won't let you merge) but as is not technically a curse word, can still be hollered in front of the children.

7. Mmm-Beh (noun) hybrid of yes and goodbye. What Lydia says just before she hangs up the phone.  Distant cousin to "Mmm-kay". 

6. Pirate Monkey (noun) descriptive term derived from Smelly Pirate Hooker. If you are balls-out crazy and come from Whore Island - but are not actually whorish in nature - you may be a Pirate Monkey. If you are English and the meet that description, you are probably a Cheeky Pirate Monkey. If you are Lydia, and you have just told Kate to suck it suck it suck it, you are a Smelly Pirate Monkey With Yesterday's Hair.

5. Serftern, (noun) hybrid of serf and intern. Mommyland needs an intern in a big way. Because there are stupid technical things about the internet (like HTML code - that doesn't even sound real). But we also would like it if this person would fetch us Venti Caramel Ralph Macchios. And perhaps, on occasion, fold some laundry. And we would pay this person the same comprehensive and generous salary/benefits package that we receive as stay at home moms (that would be nothing). So, technically that would make make us the (imaginary) intern's feudal lords. Is that so wrong?

4. Snitches, (noun) hybrid of sneaky and b*tches. While we acknowledge previous definitions of this particular word (i.e. prison tattle-telling and a little ball you chase in Quidditch), our version of "snitches" is the polite, non-soapy-mouth version of snarking on people who are tricky in a bad way. Often refers to our kids.  For example: "Those little snitches stole and ate an entire box of my Samoas!"

3. Strack, (noun) hybrid of sticky and car and crap. Mysterious unidentifiable detritus found in between the cushions and under the seats of the car. Usually comprised of juice boxes, fruit snacks, goldfish, spilled milk, McDonald's French Fries, melted M&Ms and discarded half-eaten lollipops. Best strategy for strack removal? Buy a new car.

2. Turdish, (adjective) the face one makes when one smells a turd. For example: "Is she a snitch, or was she just being turdish?" Quite possibly the way Lydia described Kate after their first meeting. Or Bella Swan, here.  ---------------------> 

1. Whacktacular, (adjective) hybrid of whack and spectacular. Describes items that are both strangely odd and yet compelling, i.e. Lydia's stripey hair, and some of Kate's shoes. Acceptable conjugations: whacktacularness (noun) quality or state of being whacktacular or whacktacularly (adverb) of, or relating to being both whack and spectacular.

0. Whuck, (interrogatory) hybrid of what and f**k, clearly. Or more accurately - "what the f**k"? Happily added to the Mommyland Arsenal of Words That Are Not Technically Curse Words. Coincidentally, term coined by Happy, after breaking a brand new crayon. 

UPDATE! It has come to our attention that Tina Fey used this word in an episode of 30 Rock around the same time we first posted this list.  That figures.  Oh Tina.  Damn you and your awesomeness.  If you got any cooler you'd have to wear a pink ladies jacket like Rizzo in Grease.  We love  you...

*Me and my completely awesome neighbors Ellen and Mimi were discussing birth control the other day.  One of us wouldn't 'fess up, one said she used Afghanistence, and the third said she used "natural family planning"  - which we decided should also be called 'The Duggar Method'

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