Friday, April 2, 2010

Top 10: Universal Truths of Family Roadtrips

10. The joys of public restrooms on a holiday weekend must not be underestimated. Just change the diaper in the car. Trust us. There's not enough Purel in the world.

9. Keep praying to the Saint of Families Travelling in Large Vehicles (St. Pixar?) that the DVD player doesn't break.

8. Your meal choices: eat in or drive-thru. Eat in will take well over an hour and is only worth it if it's Cracker Barrel. Drive-thru is quick but means you will be finding masticated french fries under your car seats forever.

7. "I don't care who's touching who. If it happens again, punch him/her in the face. If it happens again after that, I'm pulling over and punching you both."
(Note: We would never actually punch kids.  We just sometimes want to when they act like demons.  Like, for example, blowing milk at their sister through a straw all over the interior of the already disgusting van. Then screaming "I didn't do it! I didn't do it!" despite the fact that you saw the whole thing go down in the rear view mirror. At which point, there are now three screaming kids in your vehicle and 190 miles to go and there goes your last shred of sanity.  Bye bye shred!  I'll miss you!)

6. At some point on the trip, mommy is going to lose her schmidt and start acting like Christian Bale. Just know that.*

5. "Honey, please don't ask me if "we" packed that particular item. I packed everything for everyone including the dog. Except you, because you're an adult and are therefore legally obligated to pack for yourself. Because I am not your mother, that's why. What do you mean? You didn't pack anything? We have to turn around? Gahhhhhhhh!!! Noooo!!!! Gahhhh!!!! Oh. I see. You're kidding. That was very funny."

4. Fifty miles into the trip, you will remember what you forgot.

3. Mommy's Iron-Clad Rule: If the kids are sleeping, We. Are. Not. Stopping. What always freaking happens? The moment the little darlings fall asleep, the gas light comes on.

2. Roadtrip Physics - with every mile you travel away from your house toward your destination, your Raging "B" (and sometimes your husband's) will subside proportionally. At 100 miles from home, your B should be in total remission. Until you hit traffic or the DVD player stops working.

1. From pretty much the moment we leave the house, we really can't wait to home again. For the SAHM, a family vacation is not a break from our "job", it is the exact same job in a new place that is not baby-proofed and has most of the same problems and none of the conveniences of home. Plus, when you finally get home, the Laundry Fairy is waiting and he usually has his B on.

*Lydia's family makes up road trip nick-names for each other. They get new ones for each trip. On their last big road trip, Lydia's nick-name was Christian Bale. She was the only one who didn't think it was hilarious. This was right after he replaced Alec Baldwin as the King of Public Celebrity Meltdowns.

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