Friday, April 2, 2010

Top 10: Universal Truths of Family Roadtrips

10. The joys of public restrooms on a holiday weekend must not be underestimated. Just change the diaper in the car. Trust us. There's not enough Purel in the world.

9. Keep praying to the Saint of Families Travelling in Large Vehicles (St. Pixar?) that the DVD player doesn't break.

8. Your meal choices: eat in or drive-thru. Eat in will take well over an hour and is only worth it if it's Cracker Barrel. Drive-thru is quick but means you will be finding masticated french fries under your car seats forever.

7. "I don't care who's touching who. If it happens again, punch him/her in the face. If it happens again after that, I'm pulling over and punching you both."
(Note: We would never actually punch kids.  We just sometimes want to when they act like demons.  Like, for example, blowing milk at their sister through a straw all over the interior of the already disgusting van. Then screaming "I didn't do it! I didn't do it!" despite the fact that you saw the whole thing go down in the rear view mirror. At which point, there are now three screaming kids in your vehicle and 190 miles to go and there goes your last shred of sanity.  Bye bye shred!  I'll miss you!)

6. At some point on the trip, mommy is going to lose her schmidt and start acting like Christian Bale. Just know that.*

5. "Honey, please don't ask me if "we" packed that particular item. I packed everything for everyone including the dog. Except you, because you're an adult and are therefore legally obligated to pack for yourself. Because I am not your mother, that's why. What do you mean? You didn't pack anything? We have to turn around? Gahhhhhhhh!!! Noooo!!!! Gahhhh!!!! Oh. I see. You're kidding. That was very funny."

4. Fifty miles into the trip, you will remember what you forgot.

3. Mommy's Iron-Clad Rule: If the kids are sleeping, We. Are. Not. Stopping. What always freaking happens? The moment the little darlings fall asleep, the gas light comes on.

2. Roadtrip Physics - with every mile you travel away from your house toward your destination, your Raging "B" (and sometimes your husband's) will subside proportionally. At 100 miles from home, your B should be in total remission. Until you hit traffic or the DVD player stops working.

1. From pretty much the moment we leave the house, we really can't wait to home again. For the SAHM, a family vacation is not a break from our "job", it is the exact same job in a new place that is not baby-proofed and has most of the same problems and none of the conveniences of home. Plus, when you finally get home, the Laundry Fairy is waiting and he usually has his B on.

*Lydia's family makes up road trip nick-names for each other. They get new ones for each trip. On their last big road trip, Lydia's nick-name was Christian Bale. She was the only one who didn't think it was hilarious. This was right after he replaced Alec Baldwin as the King of Public Celebrity Meltdowns.

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  1. Ah YES and even yesser! I needed this - we are leaving on a 8 day road trip through Ireland today - yes you can drive (on a ferry) from England to Ireland. God help us!

  2. OMG, #1 is so right. A vacation for me would be everyone else leaving me at home for a week. Or being able to bring a nanny and cook and cleaning lady on the trip with us. Let me tell you how often either one of those things happen.

  3. Can mommy drink from her T-Box while daddy is driving???

  4. Lmao-yep, yep, & yep!!! I especially laughed at the sahm comment, hit the nail on the head there.

  5. Hahahaha. You guys never fail to make me laugh.

  6. Brilliant! I'm looking forward to my first road trip this summer with my then 9 month old. Yikes!!!

  7. LMBO!!!!! I needed that laugh, THANK YOU!

  8. Oh God. I have tried and tried and tried to explain to Husband that taking a "vacation" where there are no parents or in-laws is NOT A VACATION FOR ME. It is just full-time mommying somewhere else. He doesn't get it.

    I love you guys. And I'm totally down for a trip to Myrtle Beach, T-box in the sand, and maybe a little Jimmy Valentine...

  9. "What do you mean? You didn't pack anything? We have to turn around? Gahhhhhhhh!!! Noooo!!!! Gahhhh!!!! Oh. I see. You're kidding. That was very funny."

    My husband would so pull that! Argh!

  10. Kirby quilesbrownApril 2, 2010 at 2:26 PM

    Oh I love this! We haven't done any road trips with our 18 month old but I've been through two 12 hour flights with her! First one not so bad second one is a totally different story! However I do remember our family trips to Disney world with my 2 annoying sisters all the way from CT! Everything you mentioned brought back memories! Thanks ladies and good luck!

  11. Why is it that mommies have to pack for all the children? How come daddies never do? My kids now pack for themselves but when they were in elementary school I used to make packing lists for them. And of course, I retained VETO power over every item. :-)

  12. Also, just thought you ladies might be interested in this article...It's not spam, I promise.

  13. #3, totally my rule. Except what always happens in my car: husband finishes his coffee and has to pee. Being male and unable to tolerate slight physical discomfort for more than 15 seconds, he must stop immediately. "I am not going to be uncomfortable for an hour just so they'll stay asleep." Nevermind that once they're awake, *I'll* be uncomfortable for the next 8 hours......

  14. My husband and I have been arguing about our family vacation to the beach (12 hours in the car-fun!) for several months. I lost. I get to mommy somewhere else with his sister, her three kids. At least grandma will be there, but grandma is 73 years old. Four kids vs. grandma? Nope. I lose.

    However, hubby is taking our darling two-year-old to grandma's for four days while mommy gets to finish up her master's thesis at the library. Loads of hard work, but I'd rather be typing than wiping.

  15. Re #10 "For the SAHM, a family vacation is not a break..." So true (as are all of these) but this is true for any mom. Working moms have all the same 'vacation' issues!

  16. I have instituted a NO MILK rule in the car. It took 3 (count 'em, 3) milk vomit attacks and one 'sploded-cuz-it-rolled-under-the-seat-and-festered-in-the-Florida-sun milk bottle to finally do me in. NO MILK! I am currently in my booking the condo phase of vacation planning for June. All my known haunts were already rented. (I need to keep my fat mouth shut about their awesomeness..) So I'm weeding through listing after listing of: too far from the beach, too expensive, no pool, have a 3yo so don't want the pool in the yard, drive-beach? uh, no.. et-cetera. Got what I thought was a winner till I Google-street-viewed the property... yikes. Thank you Google. Sigh. Maude Help Me. But I think I found one. Pray for me, oh, and the fam because mommy is SERIOUSLY on the edge and I haven't even THOUGHT about packing yet.

  17. My husband doesn't ask if "we" packed anything he doesn't pack a single thing, so he asks, in an accusatory tone "did you pack ______". Awesome, b/c I'm not already in a bad enough mood, you have to accuse me of forgetting something only you care about.

    And the bit about it not being a vacation couldn't be more true! Why is it when we visit family I still do laundry and dishes and whatever other household chore that needs done plus take care of our little hooligan and Dad gets to sit back and play games with his brothers the whole time?!

  18. This SAHM is looking forward to the family trip to Maine. It *is* the same job, but in a different place HOWEVER, there will be heaps of aunts, uncles, grandparents (my husband has a huge and gregarious extended family) to take on the task of entertaining my two little forces of nature. I might actually get a chance to go swimming, read a book, have adult conversations!

  19. Oh jeeze. One time our car DVD player broke ONE HOUR into a four-day drive (Indiana to Texas and back). We did the only sensible thing, which was stop at the nearest Walmart and sink $200 on another one.

    My favorite answer to the 'did you pack XX' query is a raised eyebrow and "Did you?"




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