Tuesday, April 6, 2010

We (Heart) NY; NY (Doesn't Heart) Us

I'm pretty sure we've been evicted from New York.

While Lydia and her -- lovely children -- went to the Farm-Farm-Farmity-Farm last week, the IHPs and I descended on New York. Some time in the city, some time outside the city, and some time where we were far enough that you could see the city -- if you stood out in the middle of a really busy street and stood on your tiptoes and tilted to your left and squinted and it wasn't smoggy or New Jersey-ey. So, close. Yeah.

I fear that next time we head up there, and go through the toll lanes or something, Jack Bauer is going to apparate in from nowhere and be all, "Dammit! I'm going to tell you this once. You can't come back to New York! You're a threat to the sanity of, just everyone. Chloe!" and then say dammit about twenty six more times and then we're officially evicted from New York.

So, on behalf of the IHPs, I'm throwing myself at your collective feet.

We are super super sorry to:

Don & Cori, the empty-nesters: Ummm, hey...can we just blame the rain? They were trapped inside for like 87 days straight and I think that causes Stokholm Syndrome or something. And by that I mean using your pool (billiard, not water) sticks as LightSabers and your pool (again, billiard) balls as Ninja Stars. Wow. Who would have thought that it would travel...that...far. I was betting on gravity to take it down. Turned out you just needed Lefty's head to stop it. Talk about unstoppable force meets immovable object. It was like a sonic boom. A sonic boom followed by screaming.

Of course, now they judge all houses by your house. Which means I live in a closet. (Which would be awesome, but not if I had to share) And it was so beautiful and elegant and had breakable stuff just everywhere and I'm pretty sure they opened like every cabinet in the house, sent a few faxes to China and were so fascinated with your automatic pencil sharpener that all you're left with is a bunch of  half-inch long really sharp daggers. I found one in Lefty's pocket. I'm still wondering how he got reminded that he had it...do we have to start calling him Righty now?

So, we hope that we can come back. They loved everything about you, your house, the AWESOME dogs, the permission to jump on the bed -- which was *super* thanks -- and the still healing ear injury that followed the jumping on the bed. Oh, Don, you can also turn your hearing aid back on. It was probably like watching a silent horror movie, wasn't it? Which, oddly enough, makes it less scary and more funny. All the muted gasps and open mouth nothingness?

I'm thinking I'll use that last dagger and render myself deaf...which means you're a genius.

Grand-Mere: You need a crown and sainthood and a....airport named after you and maybe even a song that's in the music-only section of a Pixar movie that makes everyone all misty. How long was I there before we started making Pina Coladas? Fourteen seconds? Which is so awesome but it also makes me wonder if you do it because you've been waiting for me to raise a glass with you, or if it's just because "oh, she's here now...super..." kind of thing.

And, how many rounds of Hula Hoop did you count the number of spins? Because I was done at one, and I think they played for another 16 hours or something. And the Dance Party. There are few things better in life than watching you sing along with Flo Rida. And not rolling your eyes at me for teaching the IHPs to give that big booty a smack. And you totally changed lipsticks because Happy wouldn't let you in the car with your other one. And that you didn't punt Lefty out of the car for agreeing that you may be 73, but that "in real life you're 75..." and the egg decorating and the cake decorating and the peeing off the deck instead of the bathroom that was 6 feet away. You just handle it all. And you say you don't know how you did it when McLovin and his sisters were young but we all know how it really happened. You were drunk. And so were they.

The People of New York: Yes, we're the jackholes that walk up 5th Avenue staring up at the Empire State Building and acting like human pylons. Just spray paint us all orange. You all are trying to get to work and we're taking up the entire sidewalk because McGee sees a store window and goes this way and Lefty sees a vendor selling peanuts or something (which smell so awesome by the way...) and goes that way and Happy is all "Taxi!" for the 68 thousandth time and walks onto 34th Street.

So, thanks Taxi Dude for not hitting him with your car. And Vendor Man for the bag of peanuts because you thought Lefty was cute and not obnoxious. And to the guy at the Empire State Building who whispered to Lefty that King Kong was in the basement and we better hurry before he got out. It totally worked. Otherwise we'd still be there, asking stupid questions. Like, your job is to open a door? It totally wasn't an insult. He probably thinks it's the best. job. ever.

So, it seems we won't make it anywhere, because we definitely can't make it in New York, New York.
Start spreading the news. We're leaving today...Jack Bauer said so.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

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