Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Worst Mom Ever Who is Not a Felon

I may be the worst mom in the history of ever who is not a felon. I don't beat my kids or abuse them or deny them food, water or Sponge Bob. I am just a horrible mother. It is undeniable.  I gave up my job and what was once a very nice career to focus exclusively on raising my kids. My choice. Because I love the little boogers so much. And because I stupidly thought - this is what's best for them. But I guess I should have stayed at the office because based on today, I am the worst parent ever and I have ruined them. And you know what? That makes it worse because raising these kids is all I do. Turning them into decent adults is my only job and I suck at it.

Would children being raised by a good mother lose their schmidt ten times a day? Would there be daily brawls in the manner of the Mike Tyson ear-biting incident if I had any talent for parenting? Would they pretend that they had no idea pouring out juice boxes in the back of the van in order to make a - direct quote - "evil experiment" was perhaps a wee bit naughty? Would they scream: "You're a idiot! No way Momma! You are mean and so I be mean BACK!" when you ask them nicely for the tenth time to please stop grinding their pencils into the wallpaper or they will have to sit in the thinking chair? Would I need to gently explain that it is not being a good sport to start screaming "You're a damn LIAR!" when your little brother claims he doesn't have any 8's in Go Fish? Would I be forced to say things like: "Please put the tree branch down around the elderly man with the oxygen tank"?

I would not.

I try to explain to my friends how this situation is bad and getting worse. How my lack of ability to manage the small people in my care seems to be careening toward the edge of a cliff. How my six year old's attitude problem and premature-onset Hair Trigger B*tch Syndrome (HTBS) is making me wonder if perhaps I need to start drinking in the morning. How my four year old throws a diva-style hissy fit every time he is denied a Happy Meal.

I try every single day to be the kind of mother they deserve and you know what? It doesn't matter how hard I try because they still go from well-behaved to terror suspects in six seconds. It happens all the time. The following altercation occurred at my house at 7:01pm..

Hawk: "Can I have some dessert?"
Lydia: "Try again."
Hawk: "Huh? Dessert, Momma, I want some dessert."
Lydia: "No. Try. Again. Son."
Hawk: "You are a idiot!" (stomps away and slams door to his room)
Lydia: "I meant say PLEASE as you darn well know!"
Hawk: (stomps back into the kitchen mad as a hornet) "Please can I have some dessert now? Puh-lease?"
Lydia: "No. Because you called me an idiot."
Hawk: "Sorry Momma."
Lydia: "That's OK. But no dessert."
Hawk: "Gaaahhhhhh!" (Incredible Hulk-style rage takes over and he throws a recently purchased 8-pack of paper towels at my ass and then runs away)

Hello early bed time. Good night Hawk.

The kicker is that earlier in the day, for most of the day, he had been a sweet pea. I got three hours of sleep last night. Three interrupted hours of bad sleep in the most uncomfortable chair ever made. So I told him that while the baby napped, I needed to nap too. I never do that. He suggested that I sleep in his bed while he built Lego spaceships, so I could be nearby if he needed me. So that's what we did. He brought me stuffed animals to sleep with and played quietly. At some point he asked if he could watch TV and petted my head. I actually slept for an hour and it was amazing. Of course when I woke up, he was sitting in his dad's recliner watching pay-per-view boxing with a Milwaukee's Best and a Swisher Sweet.

(That last part was made up.)

In any case, he was good all day and then out of nowhere, he decided to get his B on. And his big sister was waaaayyy worse. What have I done to make them think they can act like this? They are snarky, eye-rolling, lip-pursing, little cynics who feel they are entitled to make a running commentary on everything. I am not interested in why the Imagination Movers are awesome and the Wiggles are stupid. I told you to brush your teeth. And don't say stupid.

And the sad, sad truth is that while they are acting like little monsters, they are also acting like their mother. Maybe I don't throw paper products but I have on occasion been known to yell or be slightly short tempered or talk too much or offer up unsolicited feedback on things I know nothing about. But this mommy gig is hard as hell and there are three of them and one of me. And I never get a break. Not even at night. Because I never sleep. Maybe motherhood is just too hard for the likes of me. Cue the Eeyore sigh and muffled, hysterical sobbing...

I suck.

My friends are all like: "You're so hard on yourself! It's not that bad!" But they are wrong. It is that bad. When Hawk was stomping and hurling paper towels, his big sister had already been sent to bed early for intentionally locking me out of the house and then smirking about it. His little, bitty sister was kicking and screaming bloody murder because she was not being allowed to splash in the potty. The potty water was yellow.

Umm. That was really gross, wasn't it? Sorry.

I snapped at the potty incident. I wanted to burst into tears but instead I just screamed:


"I have had it with rotten, disrespectful, naughty children! I have had it! Do you hear me? HAD IT!"


And then I looked at their little, terrified faces. They were clearly worried that "had it" meant something dire and scary. Then all three started crying and saying how sorry they were (except the baby who just kept saying "Momma! Momma!" and wrapping her pudgy arms around my neck). Then I felt worse. At that exact moment, my husband got home.

Welcome home, darling! Here's your Old Fashioned and the evening paper! How was your day? I have been cooking and cleaning in heels, skirt and pointy bra while our perfect children do homework and sing hymns. Wait - what's the opposite of that? Oh yes. Our house. Our family. Welcome to Terrordome.

Do you need more examples of how I suck? Today, the baby ate mulch. Twice. Yesterday, the big kids screamed "I HATE YOU MORE!" at each other. While at church. I watched the Cap'n whisper to them furiously. And then I walked right by as if I had no idea who they were. Perhaps in acknowledgement that maybe the little buggers would be better off if any other (non-felon) woman on earth were their mother.

In case any of you were feeling bad about your abilities as parents, please rest assured that I am much worse. And I have three beautiful monsters that I make more monster-y through my own ineptitude every single day. So, hopefully you feel better after reading this.

You're welcome.

xo, Lydia

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62 comments:

  1. Truly I am right there with you Lydia! I call my bestie Kelli and cry about how I've had a "psycho mom" moment because all three of my girls are being little disasters and my husband's deployed, and my in-laws sucked, and my camera was stolen, along with the GPS, blahblahblah and I'm sick and I yelled at them! Then I sob, and sob, and she reminds me that we all have those moments. Even those women who don't want to admit it. Then my 10 year old hugs me and apologizes, my 7 year old gives me her best toothless grin and asks for something to eat, and my 4 year old says I'm the most awesome mommy ever, even if I yell and make her cry....

    They'll turn out amazing, because you're trying... and when they're all grown up - payback with the grandkids will be a B*TCH... LOL

    <3 Brandi

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  2. OMG, I feel like I am listening to my life. Am I the worst mother? Yes. Worse than you? Even yesser. We all do our best and beat ourselves up every day because it is not the absolute best.

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  3. This post is why I love this blog so much - you make me feel normal! Sometimes I wish that my kids were more like my dogs. My dogs can be put in the crate while I leave the house to take a break. My kids - not so much. But wouldn't that be nice! Sending you lots of happy t-box thoughts that tomorrow will be better....

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  4. I don't necesarily feel better but I do feel good knowing I am not the only mother out there with a child that eats mulch and thinks it's funny to play with the yellow potty water.

    For that I thank you!

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  5. Whenever I scream at my 2.5 year old son in anger, he looks totally delighted and laughs at me. It's only if there's panic in my voice, like if he's about to touch a hot stove, that he gets upset. I guess it's good--I don't yell at him much because I know he'll just laugh, and I figure he must not be traumatized by it with that reaction.

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  6. Lydia, this would be a good time to post that picture of my kids in the stockade I sent you! LOL Don't worry folks, it was a photo op in Williamsburg, but hey, why did that "time out" tool ever go away? I love my 4 kids, but I am so with you ladies!

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  7. Oh Lydia, I have soooooooo been there. My kids are in school now and I am back at work (earning a small fraction of my former salary) but I can happily report that I no longer turn into Linda Blair in the Exorcist at a moment's notice. Also, my kids behave in a civilized way in public most days and are still speaking to me. Hang in there!

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  8. did you have a hidden camera in my house yesterday, I actually broke down into tears after the demons I mean children went to bed yesterday and asked my husband if he was going to leave us because the kids were such a handful even though I try my best every.single.flippin.day. to make them well adjusted nice good human beings. The fact of him leaving doesn't scare me bc he would leave..its because then I would truely be left alone ALL THE TIME with the kids and I Think I would lose what little bit of sanity I left!! (he just laughed and said he wouldn't leave, he doesn't understand the FEAR lol)..thank you for this post! I need a T-box or heck even a T-barrel

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  9. After he had gotten his B on, I pulled a 3 year old's hair yesterday in a moment of desperation and outright overtired anguish. Oh yes I did. At least you did resort to hair pulling. (And BTW, I just gave it one short, hard tug.... I didn't drag him around the house or something)

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  10. I felt like I could have written the first paragraph. I feel like this all the time. Today my angelic four year old daughter rolled her eyes at me for the first time. (that I know of)

    Thanks for being so honest about our lives in Mommyland!

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  11. Oh God. I REALLY wish I could come drink with you this weekend. (or really any weekend!) You are not a bad mom. Or at least, I hope you're not because if you are then I am and I don't want to be a bad mom.

    I'm no doctor, but I prescribe a T-Box taste testing with friends....

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  12. I am absolutely the worste mom ever, my daughter told me so in the store because she was sick and I couldnt find a medicine that didnt taste yucky so it would me my fault if she died.

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  13. This is exactly what I needed today- and I hate that it was at your expense Lydia, but I am right there with you. I have had a two year old that is cutting molars and my sweet toddler has been replaced with the Exorcist- voice and all. I am deficient in patience on the best of days, so yeah.

    And at least it was not poo water! Yes. We have been there. With tiny teacups. I have tried to block it out of my mind.

    Hang in there! You are a real mom with a fantastic sense of humor, and your kids will appreciate that so much more than having a Stepford Mommy!

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  14. I think you and I have the same handicap. How many times do you surprise yourself by saying or doing all the things you promised you would never do before you actually had kids?!?! Daily for me!

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  15. Thanks for helping me feel less alone today, hon <3 I'm a disabled, cranky mom who can no longer drive, stuck in a tiny condo with no yard and nothing to walk to. I think you and I may have been separated at birth... except for the fact that I curse like a truckdriver...

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  16. Dear Lydia,
    Yesterday I agreed to watch 9 month old twins along with my girls (19 months, and 4 years) I had also agreed to watch another friends children last night (boy 1 year, girl 4) as one Mom dropped off her kids the other one was picking hers up. So I had extra kids ALL day. That is my excuse for what I am about to say....
    Last night I was exhausted, when the second set of kids mom came to pick them up my 1 year old decided it would be funny to take her diaper off. I then took her straight to the potty and set her on it, she FREAKED out!! She doesn't like sitting on anything without me holding her. Anyway this kept going on so when Mom and kids left we did our baths (it was after 9p.m. by this point, the house was TRASHED, and I had a sink full of dishes and had eaten mac' n cheese for dinner) Anyway after our baths my baby kept taking her diaper off and laughing. I was rushing as fast as I could to get some pants on the child but she is a quick little stinker, I sat her down held her hands and said no at least 10 times. This is when I lost it and flicked her nose.... yes I flicked.her.nose. and she lost it, she cried and cried. I felt Horrible!!! So it goes, she then let me pick her up give her milk and hugs and kisses and put her to bed...
    WORST MOM EVER!!!

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  17. oh and after this misserable day had ended in meltdowns from both my children and I my husband came home took one look around the disaster of my house and began to lecture me. Rather than squaring up with him, I went to bed...

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  18. Well, I feel a bit better because your house sounds EXACTLY like mine. The big difference is that when mine were 1 and 3 (now 5 and 7) I went back to work full time because I knew I was useless at the mommy job! And though I only have 2 children, I did have 3 until last year when I decided that the 42 year old one was so beyond my help I divorced him.

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  19. If it makes you feel any better, I caught my 3 year old drama queen trying to drink the potty water a few weeks ago. Luckly it wasent yellow. I have no idea what would make her want to do this since I have a cup of milk water or juice in the fridge for them at all times, maybe she was just to lazy to go get it, who knows. But gross!

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  20. I am so there with you! Except I have a 15 y/o boy who thinks he is a grown man, an 10 y/o girl going thru puberty (God help us all) and another boy - 1 y/o!! The older to fight.con.stant.ly. I work full time, on the evening shift right now and last night I got them on the phone and told them that if I had to come home one more time to play referee they were going to be beat until they could not sit down ( I hardly ever spanked my kids) meanwhile the hubby and I are in a constant struggle over giving the baby a bottle at bedtime... it is the only one he gets because hubby says its just easier to get him to sleep:| Said baby is also getting ALL of his teeth at once... I actually am looking forward to going back to dayshift next week so I can be home to play Drill Sgt. at night!

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  21. I have three girls, 9, 6 and 2. I am constantly screaming flush the toilet and shut the lid, because even though the 2 yr old REFUSES to sit on the potty chair, she is drawn to yellow toilet water like.a.magnet.

    As my best friend Momma B commented earlier, we all have our "psycho" moments. I'm a single mom, who works full time and I'm working on my MBA as well. I feel as though I spend my life trapped between Psycho and Surrender.. and yet my children adore me, even though most of the time they say otherwise, I can see it in their eyes and smiles and feel it in their hugs.

    Hang in there. I promise you that you are not the worst mom ever, and at least you aren't a felon, my children have been exposed to some "moms" and I use that term lightly who are. (and not through my doing)

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  22. Please, everyone go read this, it will make you all feel much better. Worst Parent Ever awards. http://www.finslippy.com/finslippy/2008/01/we-are-all-winn.html

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  23. My daughter turned to me after I had a recent meltdown and very calmly asked me "Mommy, when I'm a mommy, will I be allowed to use MY angry voice?"

    I have ONE CHILD and I have days like this, so I can't imagine the stress(or liquor bill) of three. Bravo to all of you who get out of bed every day and face the never-ending challenge of molding the little schmidts into the wonderful people they will become.

    It's the mom's that DON'T worry that concern me...(See past blogs on stupid people.)

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  24. this just further supports my belief that I am you. except with a huge mustbeontimeordie issue like Kate has. Because you just described my day, every day. And I don't yet have the ability to laugh about it. Cry yes, laugh hysterically yes, blog about it... nope.

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  25. I think you just have the bar set too high. They live? They eat? They do not run naked more than 50% of the time...outside...in the daytime?

    You're fine.

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  26. Dearest Lydia, what makes me feel better about that is that I am NOT ALONE! I was just sobbing my eyes out the other night about what a horrible mom I am and how the kids deserved so much better than me. I told my husband they would probably be better off in daycare than with me all day. I feel like I am always yelling, always saying no, always breaking up fights.... and I NEVER have a nice clean house and nice clean, well behaved children. So, worry no more...I think you have some competition here from another "worst mom without being a felon." I wish we knew each other and could hang out so we could commiserate over a t-box. You rock, Ms. Lydia!

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  27. Wait... this happens to other people? I hate yelling at my kids, but seem to find myself doing it a lot. I lose my patience so fast and feel SO guilty when I see my little son's face looking at me innocently like, "What is wrong with Mommy?" The worst of it is that often, he isn't being a terrorist... he's just being 2.5, and sometimes I just don't have the competency to deal with THAT. Bad mothers unite! Somehow, my kid is managing to turn into a pretty sweet and thoughtful little guy despite having the wicked *itch of the west for a mommy. (The other kid is too young to have been tainted yet...)

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  28. I'm not falling for this clear entrapment plan to get me to admit I'm anything but Paltrow perfect in my mothering.
    My children are constantly nurtured like like babies on a diaper box and I would never raise my voice to them. Nevermind leave them in a dirty diaper because I knew their father would be home soon and I could claim "I didn't smell it", or throw a bag of cookies down the stairs so they would be quiet and swarm it like a band of rabid monkeys because I was on the phone, and I would never, never lose my cool and shriek "get the hell away from me!!" undoubtedly creating great material for future therapy.
    Nope, I'm not falling for it, Lydia. Not this time. Nice try.
    Amy
    pregnantchicken.com

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  29. I know you've heard it before, but I have to say....

    Your blog is a light in my life. I don't feel so alone when I read it. I feel normal.

    I am the product of the SAHM household. I was a good kid: good grades, good daughter with little attitude, etc. I don't feel like I'm the better. I have major issues!

    My kids sound like yours. They talk back, get "violent" with each other, and are basically little hellions 75% of the time. Despite getting my "B" on and feeling at my wit's end most of the time, I actually think they're going to turn out okay.

    I think they will be better for it because they will be survivors. They will be independent. They will be strong people who will be able to make their way in this world no holds barred.

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  30. Ok, Girls...Chill the t-box. I have children ranging from 19 months to 19 years and the oldest put me through just as much as the little ones do now. Truth is...He has grown up to be the.most.amazing young man I could ever have hoped for. I did pay for a few months of therapy though just to make sure anything I did was reversed. LOL. Take it easy on yourselves! It really isn't that bad in the big picture. Cheers!

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  31. Also, and I kind of hate to post about this because your readers are likely to think I'm a big ol' B who shouldn't have been allowed to have one child, much less four, but I feel I owe it to you:

    Rule Number One. (You have to trust me on this one.) Rule Number One of parenting is: Never do nice things for your children, because it will bite you square on the ass.

    The Happy Meal you once bought for Happy? Bit you square on the ass every time you drove by a McD's after that. Giving the kids juice boxes, ever, much less in the car? Bit you square on the ass. Teaching the kids fun games, then listening to them fight every.damned.time.they.play? Or giving them toys of any kind, including shoe boxes, empty paper-towel rolls, and pop-bottle-tops? Taking them to fun places, only to have them bitch about not getting the $18 half-full tissue-paper-bag of popcorn while there? Bite, bite, bite.

    I'm telling you. Rule Number One. My kids, and the kids of at least 11 of your Facebook friends, know aaaaaaaaaaaall about Rule Number One. Those other kids? They hate me for introducing their mothers to Rule Number One. My kids get surly when I even mutter, "Rule Number One." But Rule Number One is one of the universal truths.

    Being parents, we are constantly breaking Rule Number One because we love our children and we want them to be happy. And they will be happy, both in spite of and because of Rule Number One.

    Anyway. It's better if you know about Rule Number One, just so you know it's not really your fault.

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  32. Right there with you! Everyday. Single Will Never Be Perfect Mom Of a Russian Boy Who Will NEVER Be Put on A Plane and Sent Home to Russia.

    Teacher writes nasty notes about him when there's only 5 weeks left of school? Don't give a shit. Being scorned by the "Golden Family" who live in the neighborhood with their perfect children and the perfect mother (in her opinion)? Don't care. Listen to the non-parent neighbor who offers bullshit advice and in an exasperated tone of voice says "YOU'RE THE PARENT!" as if they think that resolves issues? Not happening.

    On the other hand.....my mom friends who struggle with their kids and look forward to their glass of wine and laugh about the misbehavior and ourselves trying to deal with it in light of teachers/neighbors/perfect moms scorning us? THEY ARE THE BEST MOMS IN THE WORLD!

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  33. I will Ayup Jan on Rule Number One. My children have heard "We broke Rule Number One again!" enough times to mutter unkindly about Miss Jan each time it's uttered.

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  34. Is it funny or sad that I actually cried with relief after reading this post?

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  35. I feel like you have just raised one of the most important issues in Mommydom -- the awesomeness of the Imagination Movers. Four cute non-threatening dudes in a band? Brilliant Disney! Target demographic is pleased!

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  36. Get out! Get out, while there's still time!!!!! take a job. ANY job. Do not stay in that house. No one will ever appreciate it. EVER. The world thinks that you are on vacation! All you will ever get is resentment and the blame for everything that ever goes wrong in their lives.

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  37. Oh god, this is my life, too! (on weekends, anyway, since I get to escape to work Monday-Friday).

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  38. Yes... PsychoMommy days... sometimes all I have to do when the boys are being a pain is ask them if they need a visit from PsychoMommy. Usually that's enough to get them to behave. But not always.

    And anonymous, I cried, too.

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  39. Welcome! Welcome to "The Bad Mommy Club"! I've been a member for many years now! Just ask my kids!

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  40. Well ... if it makes you feel better, while on vacation in HI with my darlings (husband, 3 kids and my mother) my youngest (7.5 yrs old) daughter dropped a pencil from the bar-height table and unttered "oh F**K Dam*" - IN FRONT OF MY MOTHER. After a raised eyebrow and suppressed giggle (I'm not sure it was a giggle, but I am choosing to assume it was) Mom had the nerve to ask -- "where does she hear such things?" My response : In our house we try very hard to "use our words -- at least I'm not beating her!" (not that I EVER would ... but sometimes you want to). Hang in there you sound like a great Mom and a little humor helps us all -- even in retrospect. Plus, since they'll all probably end up in therapy anyway -- might as well give them something to talk about!

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  41. Oh girl you are not alone. Big Time has morphed into Alien Guy lately and I find myself saying the same thing 10 times and then having to yell & get mad to get a response. I remember a time when I could just ask him to do something and he did it. Now EV-ER-RY thing is an argument. I feel like such a bad mom all the time!

    P.S. Jan, I don't understand Rule Number One. You seriously never do anything nice for your children? Ever?

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  42. No, you're not a God awful terrible mother because someone who was would have a day like that and not care at all if it had a negative impact on their kids. Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with your day. It sounds pretty typical to me. Who's kids are perfect angels? I've worked in preschools for 16 years and I can tell ya sister, NO ONES! Even the most "with it" mom's have children who act out.

    Give yourself a break. For the love of God woman, you barely get any sleep. I think the fact that you didn't raise a hand to any of them puts you right up there for sainthood.

    If that's you're grumpy bad day. Then you better not come to my house. The Mommyland mafia may come and drag me away even I didn't commit a crime. LOL.

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  43. Lydia, I feel exactly the same way -- like I'm ruining these little people who would be so much better off in someone else's care. You're not alone.

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  44. Sing it sister! I feel this way at least once a week if not more often!

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  45. LOL - I just found your blog (best thing I have EVER read) & I swear I could of written this EXACT post - WORD FOR WORD.
    :)

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  46. No, no, no. Rule Number One is: "Never do nice things for your children, BECAUSE IT WILL ALWAYS COME BACK TO BITE YOU SQUARE IN THE ASS."

    The important part of Rule Number One is the latter part. The first part is constantly, constantly, CONSTANTLY broken. See "we love our kids and we want them to be happy." But as long as you, as a parent, are aware of the truth of Rule Number One, you won't be surprised when the little *ahem* people use the nice things you do to bite.you.in.the.ass.

    I'm not making this up, girls.

    Mom: Hey! Let's have a family movie night, and eat popcorn on the food blanket in the family room, and all snuggle and have a nice time!
    Kids: Yay! That sounds great!
    Kid A: Let's watch 'Sky High'!
    Kid B: NO! I HATE THAT MOVIE! I want to watch 'Incredibles'.
    Kid A: 'Incredibles is stupid.
    Kid C: You're stupid.
    Mom: HEY! We don't say stupid, and we don't call each other names.
    Kid C: But she is!
    Kid D: I want ice cream!
    Kids A through D: *fight fight fight fight fight for 20 f*cking minutes*
    Mom: Where's the f*cking bourbon? FINE. NO MOVIE.
    Kids A through D: WAAAAH! This is all your fault! *fight fight fight fight fight for 10 more minutes*
    Kids A through C: Can we still have popcorn?
    Kid D: NO! I HATE POPCORN! I WANT ICE CREAM!
    Mom: *guzzle guzzle guzzle* Whatever. Do whatever you want, you ungrateful little so and sos. I'll be on the computer.

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  47. Can I link to my blog? I tried to explain a bit further over there. Is that legal?

    http://imjustsayin-jan.blogspot.com/2010/04/so-rule-number-one.html

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  48. I have four children. They are now 19, 18, 17, and 13. When they were small, you can only imagine what it was like in my household. Everytime one got sick - they all got sick. Sometimes I ran out of towels and sheets and whatever we had trying to clean up vomit.
    I had a child throw a tantrum in a department store, well, not really a tantrum, more like a skin-crawling, ear deafening screaming fit, because I wouldn't buy her what she wanted. I literally cried the whole time I was in the check out line. ...then, when we got outside, I spanked her, and I mean SPANKED her little ass. (This was before people tried to have you arrested while disciplining your OWN children)
    She never did it again, Ever, and I think I earned her repect that day because I stood my ground.

    I think that sort of set the example for the others as well, because none of the others ever threw a massive hell-bent fit either.

    This too will pass. It really will.
    I think the secret is to just not give in to them when they are small, to stand your ground, no matter how embarrassing it may be in public.

    Parenting several toddlers was the most difficult experience of my life but seeing them grow into wonderful little adults is the most rewarding!

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  49. I cannot believe this was your post! I wrote about something similar in my blog the last two nights! My friend sent me your link because it was about the same stuff. I love your blog already and will be following every day! I am right there with you!

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  50. Thank you so much for your post. I've had this day a few times this week. Like yesterday when my kids had a food fight in my just cleaned sitting room when I turned my back. Strangling them Homer Simpson style falls under reasonable chastisement right?

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  51. Ok, Jan I'm headed over to you're blog to check it out! Thanks for the clarification. I may be slow on the uptake, but I get it now! :-)

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  52. I thought I was the only one...

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  53. OMG! Lydia... we are the SAME person, except I don't wear clogs, but my mom does (not that I don't like them, I just need something on my heel so I don't lose my shoes every 5 minutes). I say (mostly to myself). "SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THERE IS NO WAY ANY OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD IS DEALING WITH THIS INSANITY?" But alas, I am not alone. Yay! We have to talk... but right now my baby girl is crying... probably because she has some sense that I am excited about not being insane...

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  54. Oh, Lydia. WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH! You are 100% right that "it is that bad" but 100% wrong that "it is all my fault". Nope! It's like the universal truths about babies: if they sleep through the night, it's due to good parenting. If they don't, it's just bad luck. Rotten behaviours are the same.
    I know you wrote this a while ago (I'm working my way through the archives) so hopefully you are feeling better now! xo

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  55. Considering that I completely lost my schmidt today with both my two-year-old and my 90-year-old neighbor I may be in the running for that Worst Mom Award too. Thanks for bein real...

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  56. Lydia, thank you so much! I too am a stay at home Mom and have had many of those moments. My darling little baby has turned into a 4 year old drama queen who puts her hands on her hips and tilts her head to the side and rolls her eyes at me. My sweet 20 month old boy is MAGIC!! He seems to know the exact moment that no eyes are on him, he once disappeared from a backyard filled with 20 other mothers (no exaggeration), and when I found him running up the driveway to the main road, I screamed his name (first and middle) and he probably would have continued running....had he not been laughing hysterically at me. Just remember, our efforts will be re-payed, they will end up well adjusted and happy adults. And if not, there's always boarding school, right?

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  57. I feel sure I've read this before but it came up in my "other things you might like" and OMG I am grateful. If using our murthurfurkin printer wasn't such a chore (and I didn't have service providers in my house four days a week) I would print this out and hang it up so I could read it every day. Thank you Lydia...thank you thank you thank you! :)

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  58. *Hugs* Don't feel along doll. I only have one and I have hell trying to keep up. Why do we reproduce again? Oh yeah. Survival of the human race. And we don't get breaks and the guys never understand. And the Male room mates tell us that maybe we should get psychiatric help. No amount of blogging is going to fix that. You're brave with three. I can't even manage one and I'm well on the way to the Nervous Hospital. See you there honey!

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  59. LOL. It's O! K! to be a mommy felon! I mean, sometimes it's not about THEM, it's about YOU. LOOK, I know falconries are bad. I am one. I'am a falcon, like I SAID. BUT THE POINT IS, I love my children, all of them, for whtever reason.

    I sometimes have "PROBLEMS" but that's becaus of the moon. PLEASE ADVISE PEAS.

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  60. I am so glad I read this today. I am pregnant with #3, and I cry daily about what an awful job I feel like I am doing with my 2 girls, and oh how am I going to manage 3? That HTBS you speak of? My four year old has it BAD. Recently she screamed at me "get your butt in here now!!" Because I didn't drop everything immediately to help her put on her damn shoes. Sigh.

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  61. I recently found this blog and it is such an encouragement to know that I'm not the only one that feels like a sucky mommy and has crazy terroristic children (whom I adore more than my own life even though after today I'd like to send them on an extended trip to Grandma's!)

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