Monday, April 19, 2010

Yoga in The Park

Happy LOVES the Wii Yoga game...he'll stand on the little board and do the Sun Salutation and the Half Moon and he looks so freakin' cute.

Doing "Mommy Wii" is probably his second favorite thing on earth to do, right behind going to the park.

So imagine his elation this weekend when we spent the whole afternoon playing at this ENORMOUS park by our house and stumbling upon this lady doing Yoga. In the middle of a children's park. In full-on 1960's hippie everything.

It's his version of the shoe store at Nordstrom.

[I'll confess. I take them to the park -- and stay for hours -- to absolutely wear them out so they will go to sleep and I can get some writing done. And we stopped by Chick-Fil-A on the way because I didn't pack snacks and that is one of Lydia's BIG TIME rules about Playground Etiquette. AND I didn't take my phone out of the car when we were at the park, because that's her other rule about not being a Jackhole Mom, and frankly, I'm starting to think that list was a little bit about me because I kinda do, DID, those things until she wrote that post and was all, "Kate can you proofread Playground Etiquette?" and I was all cringe-y when I read it. AND, it still managed to post with a typo in it which means I suck at both playground stuff AND proofreading.]

It was like the park stopped when she came in. She was head to toe in these bright flowing skirts (several, stacked over each other) and long hair that has probably never seen scissors and beads and crystals and exuding that aura of Xanax wherever she walked. And the kids, like 40 of them, gravitated to her like she was the Pied Piper.

So there she was, half-mooning and ohmmm'ing and they were all surrounding her awestruck and why was I suddenly feeling like Dorothy? Dorothy if she was thinking "what in the holy hell is happening right now?" but the Xanax was starting to get to me too by then and I just sat and stared over all these little heads that were standing and staring...mez. mer. ized.

The next thing I knew, Happy had walked over and assumed the Half Moon. And she smiled at him.

Yoga Lady: Hi.
Happy: Hi
Yoga Lady: Do you want to do yoga with me?
Happy: [yells] Yes!
Yoga Lady: You have to be very very quiet, OK?
Happy: [whispers] OK
Yoga Lady: [switches poses] Can you do this?
Happy: Uh-huh.

Then Lefty joined in...and McGee...and then she had this miniature army of kids Tree Posing and Downward Dogging.

And Sun Saluting...and that's when Lefty broke the quiet. And I was just too far away to make it stop. "OH! You have hair in your armpits. Like a boy!"

And pointed at her. And I'm no yoga expert, but I'm pretty sure that pointing at the "instructor" and yelling is not one of the standard poses.

She had to know instantly which mom was Lefty's mom. I was in mid-grab-kid-and-slam-hand-over-mouth-to-fortheloveofGod-make-it-stop. And she looked at me, then back at him, and said, perfectly calmly, Xanax-y "yes, I do..." and then continued with her poses, and her mimic-ing army and extolled the virtues of being at one with nature, and letting nature decide how you look, and not changing your beauty with makeup and nail polish.

I'll confess. As if it's not clear enough, I am all about this stuff. I haven't seen more than an inch of my natural hair color in two decades, constantly have a pedicure, LOVE the makeup counter at Lord & Taylor and regularly, if not obsessively, use a razor. Add in the plastic surgery (predicated by a spectacular car crash) and I've got more plastic in my face than in my wallet. I was the exact opposite of Yoga Lady. A fact that Lefty, of course, quickly pointed out, after he LICKED my palm to get it off his mouth. Gross.

Lefty: My mom wears makeup.
Yoga Lady: Yes.
Lefty: And her hair's not really yellow.
Yoga Lady: Mmm-hmmm
Lefty: And [to me] you don't have hair right?
Me: ummm, no. Why don't we go play on the slides?
Lefty: Nooo...please?

With three sets of pleading eyes, and 40 more sets bearing witness to this Nature vs. Narcissistic Nurture debate, I nodded and sat my bleached/dyed/polished/plastic/waxed self back down.

When we finally headed home, McGee said to me, "Mom, how come you don't just be how that lady was. She looked nice." I wanted to tell her she'd understand when the hair on her legs started coming in, along with everywhere else it suddenly and haphazardly appears...I wanted to say it's all well and good to go bra-less when you're 10 and your boobs don't yet have their own zip code. But McGee, like me, needs visuals.

After dinner and showers, I towel dried my hair, threw on this crazy tie-dye skirt and the Boobs Akimbo t-shirt (see? good thing I didn't shred it, because now it's an educational device...) and suggested we take the geriatric gimpy beagle for a walk. They just stared at me. What?

McGee: Mom, aren't you going to get dressed?
Me: I am. I'm in comfies.
McGee: No. Like dressed dressed.
Lefty: Yeah, not that.
Me: [smiling] But this is like the lady at the park today.

Lefty grimaced. And told me my hair was a mess. And maybe I shouldn't be like that. McGee suggested a bra. And Happy accidentally wiped his strawberry fingers on my shirt. So I had to change. They're like conspirators. Which I can only blame on the fact that I let them play Law & Order.

They fell asleep in front of the TV. Because I'm an awesome mom...who now has appointments to get my roots done and a pedicure.

Oh, and I'm totally buying a new razor. You can never be too sure.

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  1. Me without a bra: scary beyond reason. I'm with you sister! I love my toes painted, I never leave the house without make-up and I have an appointment to get my hair striped this week. Rock on, sister.

  2. In Elementary School the Weird Girl in our grade's Mom came up to school to do a rain dance with us. She dressed exactly like Yoga lady. About halfway through the dance she raised her arms, followed immediately by a collective gasp from the fifth graders. Traumatizing. The worst part is that it only made her daughter seem that much weirder. She switched schools after seventh grade...

  3. "Nature vs. Narcissistic Nurture" love!

  4. Nature was meant to be tamed!

  5. LOL! That is hysterical. I love yoga, but man... I love my razor, too! :)

  6. Bras...yeah...they're important. Because without my amazing Target gel push-up bra, my boobs don't go akimbo or anywhere else. They disappear. Vanish. Gone. Buh-bye. If I ever went hip[pie-native, I would grow out my pit hair to draw the eye away from my chest. But until that day, Target gel push up bras are my friend.

  7. Oh my gosh. I am SO SCARED for my kids to see me au naturel...I fear that they will need therapy for life if I let myself go too long between personal grooming sessions. I just did a post about this, because it's THAT important. I think of it more as a PSA for moms.

  8. What's really awesome is that next time you go to the park, some super plastic lady there to do Tae Bo can make you feel like you're too natural and disgusting because you haven't had enough botox and your shoes are (gasp) over a month out of season. I'm seriously so fed up with all the people who feel free to share their opinion of me/my parenting/my looks/my food/my playground etiquette...oh, wait...nevermind the last one/my every-damn-thing that I may just have to buy a "Suck it fancy" t-shirt and never leave the house without it.

  9. i think pit hair and painted toenails are both cute!

  10. Whatever floats your boat as far as appearance goes, including body hair (not, however, including body odor). Too bad Yoga Lady apparently couldn't appreciate that she adorns herself with crystals and flowing skirts while you choose other means. I'm more on the Yoga Lady side of the appearance continuum and sometimes get the "you would look so good if..." kind of comments. I try to take them as I think they're intended, thank the person, and say that I'm not motivated enough to put the time and money in that direction, and I'm lucky enough to have a career and social circle that doesn't deem it important. I hope I don't come across as looking down my nose at anyone--I understand that some women (and men, for that matter) really like makeup and heels and styled hair, it can look awesome, and in some careers it's a requirement.

  11. OhOhohOH!! You all sooo HAVE to make a "SUCK IT, Fancy!" t-shirt! I would wear it boobs akimbo with pride!!!! :)

  12. Count me in for a "Suck it Fancy!" T-shirt. I couldn't go boobs akimbo (young children could get injured if I turned a corner too quickly), but I'd be happy to be natural other than that!

  13. These ladies might be on to something... Rants from MommyLand wear... or other merchandise, coffee cups, etc.

  14. I was laying around in my first pair of capri's of the season and my four year old told me that my legs were "fuzzily" Egads, she's four!!!

    They still want to be "big like Mommy" which I tell myself has nothing to do with being able to reach the fruitsnacks...What, they could just want to be cool like me, maybe.




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