Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Domestic Bliss Should Not Include Poop & Dog Vomit

My computer is in the middle of the play room so that I can do work and be with my kids at the same time.  I sat down to write a post today and for about fifteen seconds, everything was blissfully calm and peaceful.  And I drew a blank - what is there to write about except how sweet and cute my kids are?  No one wants to read that.  Then of course, the chaos of Hurricane IHP struck with gale force and I was delivered lots of inspiriation.

In the past hour since I sat down:
  • Happy pooped on the potty without instruction, supervision, cajoling, bribing or my pleading with him to just "push a little harder" -- having no fanfare, he has just brought me the poop instead. And then wiped his hands on my lap. It's on my desk. I'm thinking if I just cover it with an old Tupperware, I'll eventually forget it's there and it'll just dissolve away, right?
  • Meanwhile, Lefty (who has the strange condition of always having to go to the bathroom at the exact same time as Happy) decided there was no need to go to the upstairs bathroom and instead peed in my shower. Which is now the recipient of a whole bottle of Clorox Clean Up Spray. The aroma is wafting out of the bathroom and I'm expecting the EPA to show up any minute.
  • McGee asked if she could call a friend. Sure. Having overheard nearly all of her phone calls, it's usually a potpourri of American Idol outrage, some boy's new haircut at school and if they think their boobs are growing. She just informed me that said friend will be arriving in an hour for a sleepover. "Because remember Mom? Last week you said that maybe one night we can have a sleepover." Now I have to do damage control. Super.
  • The dog just barfed on my carpet. And I'm pretty sure what I thought was a stick is actually a bird's leg.
  • The priority mail guy apparently knocked on the door with a package I've been waiting for for a week. How do I know. He left the handy "you can pick up your package beginning on Thursday at the post office." Crap. The dog loses his ever lovin mind when the mailman comes. But not this time. He was busy eating a bird. Stupid dog.
  • My sofa has been pillaged and stripped. Like any good drawn-and-quartering, the cushions have been scattered to the far corners of the house, apparently to serve as a message for all other furniture to not misbehave. Good news? I found my earring. Confirming my suspicions that the sofa was indeed guilty of theft.
  • Last night I put a bottle of wine in the freezer to quickly chill it. And then we got sidetracked and went to Lydia's. Wanna know what happens to wine in the freezer too long? Well, it can de-cork itself.
  • Our neighbors just had a new baby. The whole block got together to deliver meals. Today is my day. Which my next door neighbor just reminded me. Mur. Thur. Fur. Ker.
  • I just realized the washing machine has been running for, oh, 11 hours. Upside is I now know what cotton looks like before it's turned into fabric. It looks like the inside of my washing machine. 
  • The boys have turned on a baseball movie. Which is great. But they're watching it naked. What?  Why?
  • I need to fix dinner. Besides condiments, the fridge has tomatoes, orange juice, raisins, milk, a block of gorgonzola, squishy pears and what I can only imagine is wine slushy dripping in from the freezer. For Martha Stewart, that's all the fixins for a spectacular al fresco apres Theater meal. For me, it just means the pizza place is getting more of McLovin's money. 
  • Happy is on the potty. Again. I'm gonna need more Tupperware. 

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  1. LOL I am so sorry.....

    FWIW I am pretty sure once my son figures out how to use the potty he is going to be exactly like Happy.

  2. OMG...he seriously brought you the poop? I think that hour can only be followed by happy hour. ;)

  3. That dog photo is priceless! Is it yours?

  4. I have a pooper that will not flush so it stinks up the whole house, a cat that decided to provide for the family by bringing a dead bird into the house, a puppy that wanted the dead bird and the cat was not giving it up, and what looks like a rabid dishwasher thanks to the youngest putting dawn in it. And that was just the first two hours of the day. crap

  5. "Winesicles" anyone?! Hang in there. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

  6. I am dying laughing over the sofa being drawn and quartered. OMG. I can't laugh about the poop or the dog vomit.....those two things hit a little too close to him for me. But it is always nice to hear I'm not the only one dealing with such things on a regular basis.

  7. LMAO My nephew brought poop to show everyone when he pooped without an audience. Kids are... weird.

    Thanks for the laugh... it was needed this morning.

  8. Thanks for the hysterical laughter this afternoon. It's always so reassuring to know that I'm not the only mom going through this kind of stuff. OK, now I have to go cut my son's hopelessly tangled clip on earrings (don't ask why my son has clip on earrings, please) from our Irish setters long-haired ears.

  9. Watching a baseball movie naked. Fantastic & amusing! Thanks for the morning laugh!

  10. First of all poop and throw up is there to remind us when things are really good. We just need the contrast. Secondly, HOW IN GODS NAME do you write with all the kids around? I can't think with the constant distractions. Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy...and on it goes.

    Having fun yet?

  11. Remember when I used to love babysitting your kids? Good luck convincing me to do THAT again...

  12. My life is kind of sucky right now, so thank you for the great laugh with this post. Hopefully today is a better day for you!

  13. Kate, darling, the Human race has survived more poop than you faced here. Be grateful he has no fear of his own poop. I know KINDERGARTNERS who won't wipe themselves because they might touch it. Poop in inappropriate places does not actually distress Aunt Mary. (except at 3am when it's all over sheets and pajamas and the child is sick). Hang in there sweetie. You got a really funny post out of it. Oh, and buy some disposable latex gloves and keep them by the computer.
    Love Aunt Mary

  14. OMG. I have laughed so hard reading your posts. The tears won't stop coming. I write a lot of "poop posts" on my blog also...and I've actually had friends without kids ask me if that was "normal," as if my kids have strange bowel issues or something. No, it's completely normal. And the only way to "deal" is to be able to swap war stories and then laugh about them. Thank you for making me laugh till my tummy hurt!




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