And in its own way, it's sort of predictable. In that, when something bad happens in the world, my phone rings. I've become mutated by this little quirk, and say things like "oooh, a volcanic explosion in Iceland that's basically shut down Europe? Sweet."
And then off I go to Workity Land for two or three days, like I'm in some Disney amusement park. I put on fancy shoes and white(!) pants, which we all know are im. pos. uh. bul. to wear around children. Though I will say I spend that half hour after the kids get up, but before I leave, playing this dodge-and-weave game with the IHPs.
- "Yes, Iloveyoutoopleasedon'ttouchme." (semi-crouch with hands up like you're a major league catcher)
- Here, I'll kiss you from across the room *mwah* no no stay there!" ('Newlywed Game' big air kiss followed by flapping arms like you've been attacked by invisible bees)
- And, the best: "I'm gonna miss you too (palm their forehead and stiff-arm 'em) "Oh you are sooo adorable and I love that you have peanut butter hands just for ME (spin them around facing away from you with your hands around their wrists) "you be a good boy and wash up for me OK?" (deftly walk them to bathroom, turn on water, plant kiss on cheek, run like hell)
And then I walk into work, and it really is like I'm in a Disney movie. Snow White to be exact. Because everysingleperson in that office in one way or another is one of the Seven Dwarfs. And, you can rest assured they're in your office, too. Shall we?
Sneezy: He's like a personal version of the CDC. Seriously, it's gross. This guy has every communicable disease known to man. He alone keeps Kleenex in business...and when Lefty sees him and his first reaction (Lefty's, not Sneezy's) is "ewww, he needs a tissue" you know it's bad. Because Lefty considers boogers to be an apertif. He's the reason the rest of the office uses sick days for acutal sickness and not just a day to blow off and go play hooky. Thanks. Now go home.
After about four days with the lot of you, the IHPs are looking better and better. At least I can send them to their rooms. So, until the next time I see you, I would love it if you'd maybe consider being more like regular people and less like, well, yourselves. And I promise not to say a word about the IHPs. Which seems like a totally great deal to me.
Oh, the news is saying there's an earthquake? Fantastic. I can hear the phone ringing already.
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