Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Here Comes the Bride

We happily introduced The Bride during the MommyLand After Dark T-Box Taste Test.  She returned the favor by introducing us to the best drinking game in the history of ever*.  The big news is that she got married last weekend! She's like 12, but has been with her now-husband for eight years. Snitches, that is longer than most marriages. So, she's smarter than the rest of us me.

I had forgotten how much fun weddings are. The last one I went to was, well, mine.

When McLovin and I got married, it was all very "sophisticated" by which I mean it "took place in our backyard." My future mother-in-law was horrified by this prospect, imagining a Clampett-style wedding taking place among rusted out cars on cinder blocks and a washing machine. That totally wasn't true. The cars haven't rusted yet, and the washing machine still works provided you hook it up to the hose...and only wash things that you really never intend to use ever, ever again.

No, seriously, she did say Clampett Wedding. But, c'mon, the IHPs were all in attendance and I was wearing white. When our wonderful minister showed up to the house, I bet he was all, "Really? Isn't the jig up already?"

Oh, and the neighbors across the street pulled out their lawn chairs and a 12-pack and watched from their yard. It was all just so awesome.

So this wedding was like a REAL wedding.

Some highlights:
  • Bride comes down the aisle to the perfect music, the requisite number of happy tears, one very I-can't-believe-she's-marrying-me smiling groom... and my three year old Happy, waving like a manic octopus and calling her name. We're very dignified in our family. Yep.
  • Vows that were inspired by comic books. Because no one -- NO ONE -- is as committed to another person as Mary Jane is to Peter Parker. Sticky web stuff notwithstanding. Or, the fact that they're drawings, but technicalities, people. This is about love.
  • Lefty got to First Base, or First-and-a-Half Base...or whatever position on the field it is where you get full boob view. I was standing just far enough away that I could neither prevent said boob flash from occuring, nor pull out the camera fast enough to catch the expression on his face. Which was something similar as to what Indiana Jones looked like when he found the Holy Grail. Oh, did I mention it was Bride? Now, whenever you mention her name, he blushes. She came over yesterday and he had to leave the room. Immediately. Awe. Some.
  • Not to be outdone, Happy got to Second Base. Bridesmaid Second Base. She was dancing with him, in that she was holding him and twirling around on the dance floor. Add in one very pretty halter dress and one very jacked-up-on-Shirley-Temples redheaded boy, and right as I was saying, "watch out, he's quick with his han--" he had slipped his hand right on in. She gasped. He smiled, full on dimples. I would say that he's too little to know what he was doing...but that boy ain't stupid.
  • McGee surrounded by all the groomsmen, dancing the Cupid Shuffle. She was WAY better at it than all of them. She - fortunately - was also the only one sober. We're super happy no one fell on her.
  • We got a new pet out of the whole deal. A fish. The IHPs have named him Gusher. I have a feeling that unless someone from SeaWorld shows up on my doorstep -- and damn quick -- we're going to have to rename him Flusher, and then introduce the children to another important rite of passage. *sigh* They'll probably argue who gets to flush. Only in my house is a funeral a full contact sport.
We drank too much, ate too much cake and danced to songs that make me happy there wasn't a videographer. I've threatened her with bodily harm if she posts any pictures of me dancing. I'm actually good at it except for my face. All those years doing the Texas Two Step and Swing Dancing and shuffling along backwards on sawdust floors still doesn't teach you to not bite down on your lower lip and make sexy eyes like you're the creepy love child of Billy "When Harry Met Sally" Crystal and Larry the Upstairs Neighbor from Three's Company.

And, with that aneurysm-inducing mental image, I'm out.

xoxo Kate

Oh, and Bride...HAPPY WEDDING. McLovin and I are totally sending you to Cancun. And we got you a washing machine. You're welcome.

*OK. Technically it's not a drinking game, it's a who-gets-to-go-first-determiner. But the more wine Lydia has, the more she wants to play it, and the more she sucks.

First, a brief lesson of the rules:

Got it? So, when you hang out with Lyd, say things like "Let's order pizza..." and then you play the game to see who pays. She has five options. She never picks one of them. She picks things like donut hole (circle shape with fingers) or high five or she just starts laughing when you get to the part where you say "...Lizard Spock!" and I'm pretty sure the Official Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock Rules say if you put up nothing, you lose...or drink more...

It's also how I get out of teaching Sunday School at church. Point is: Best. Game. Ever.

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  1. G*ddamn fish. Here's my suggestion on how to prepare the little rugrats for the important meeting fishy will one day attend in the potty.


  2. Happy Wedding, Bride! :)

    Man... your kids really took that wedding thing seriously, huh? Rounding the bases, dancing with a slew of men... sounds sort of like my wedding.

    Wait... that doesn't sound right...

  3. I love you, Kate. Insane amounts of love & adoration... I'm glad you got to have a fun time, even though the IHPs had to be there. I'm telling you, leave for a weekend - I've got the IHPs on lockdown (Because for some ungodly reason they actually do what I tell them to do...Its like my classroom. Don't these kids know they really don't have to listen to me?) I have to repay you for Cancun somehow!

    I realized you forgot something - the Boy had a Packers reference in the vows too. Duh. Because nothing says commitment MORE than Peter Parker & Mary Jane (I referenced Iron Man & the Hulk, too, people) like our love surviving even the worst of Green Bay Packers seasons.
    & Lefty was running & sliding across the floor at one point in the evening. It was kind of awesome.

    But seriously. Readers. Kate is the big sister I always wanted (as I am the little sister she never wanted...) She gives me advice when I don't ask for it, gave me wine when I was underage, leaves me with Happy for weeks at a time, buys me killer Victoria's Secret bikinis, gave me my BEAUTIFUL "Something Borrowed" for my wedding, & is sending me & the Boy to Cancun for our honeymoon. Seriously. How the frack did I get so lucky?

    Love you, Kate.

    Oh. & you want some perspective on Gusher? The Boy came home yesterday with a baby snapping turtle he found in a pond he was cleaning. That's right. Tom the Turtle is now an inhabitant at my house. Grreeaaatttt.

  4. LMAO! I had forgotten the whole "Lizard Spock" thing from that night. Probably because I was drunk on t-box...

    Congrats Bride! It couldn't have happened to nice gal!

  5. Touching and hysterical at the same time. I think the fact that you didn't get all this on video is your gift to each other.

  6. I wish I could play rock, paper, scissors, lizard, spock with you ladies. Man that would be fun!

  7. Congrats, Bride!!

    I'm so glad I don't have the only little breast man in the world. Except I have photographic evidence!!

    And now my AnkleBiters are running around playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock."

  8. Congrats to the Bride :D. I can't keep track of rock/paper/scissors/lizard/Spock sober. It must totally be a rockin' drinking game.

  9. Congrats to the bride! I have to say, the best part of the post is when you described your dancing face...I too have the SAME ridiculous "i think i'm being sexy" dance face. ha ha ha! love it! and glad you had fun!

  10. I love the simplicity of your wedding. No need for superficialities. Absolutely no need to worry for ostentatious guests. I was entertained by this wedding story. Thanks for sharing!
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