Friday, May 21, 2010

The Most Whacktastic Mother-In-Law Stories Ever

We’ve had a lot of people ask us to write a post about the seemingly innocent topic of the Mother-in-Law. Seriously, people? Are you kidding? Do you want to start a war? I personally would like to stay married and also not incite the wrath of a woman who reduced one of the groomsman at our wedding to tears with a look. She made a grown man cry just with her eyes. So you see my dilemma.

Also, there’s the problem of the plural. Mothers-in-law? Mother-in-laws? I have no idea. I could google it but it’s late and I’m tired. I leave that to Kate, ‘cause that snitch has had two (see – that’s plural) and she just loooves the mother-in-law she has now. I, on the other hand, have only one. I love her and have a very healthy respect for her and for her privacy, plus there’s also The Fear.

So here’s what we propose to do. You send us your very best mother-in-law anecdotes and we will post them. If your own mother has done something really obnoxious to your husband, that totally counts.  We will create the definitive anthology of crazy Mother-in-Law stories and they will all be anonymous – to protect the guilty and avoid Armageddon. Also because I really don’t ever want to hear the song from that movie again. Crap too late, it’s in my brain. I don't want to clooose my eeeyyyes...

We first put out the call a few days ago and you all brought the bitter. Thank you.  If you have a great story that is more than a paragraph or two, email it to us at: Otherwise leave a comment here or on Facebook. We can’t wait to read them all and maybe even crown a winner of the Most Whacktastic Mother-in-Law Story.

We’ll be updating all day and providing a little commentary.

Testimony 1:
My MIL is batshit crazy (and her job is counselling crazy people!). There was the time she had all the grandkids stay with her for a week so they could take grandma and me swimming lessons. My daughter was about 8 at the time and had long hair - hair that wasn't washed or combed during the entire week. It took hours to detangle it when she got home. Hours.

What's your problem?  Dreadlocks can be very attractive.  Picky, picky, picky...

MIL is a freak about medical things. One of my kids is short, so she tried to convince me that he would have a miserable life short, so we should take him for a procedure where his leg bones will be broken and metal rods would be inserted to hold the bones apart so he'll be taller. It's important to know that she says it's my fault he's short because I don't force him to drink milk, because obviously it has nothing to do with the fact that I married into a family of short people (she's 5' tall). She couldn't explain why people allergic to milk are not uniformly short. My husband said he thought I was going to jump across the table with my butter knife and cut her face off after that accusation.

I'm just saying that if you actually had cut off her face with a butter knife, we would have totally understood and supported you and brought you t-boxes in jail. 

Testimony 2: This one was so bad, there's a list...
1. My wedding colors were black, white and silver. She said she would make my centerpieces for my very formal and large wedding. I inquired more and she said she'd get used wine glasses from the Salvation Army or Goodwill stores and decorate them using her glue gun with white and black fake flowers. Then put on some silver glitter. Ummm, no thanks.

Nothing says L-O-V-E like wedding accessories from the Salvation Army.  In fact, let's stitch that on a pillow.
2. We had a large wedding. I was asking all family members for their guest list. Her's was very large. After sending out 500 invites and not hearing back from a large number of the people on her list I asked who these people were (hubby didn't know any of them). She replied with, "Oh I didn't think any of them would come. I just wanted them to send you a gift." Ummm...ok.

3. Before the wedding she called one day to ask if people in Springfield (IL, where hubby and I live...she's in Chicago) wear hats. I ask what type of hats. She said she found an amazing hat at an antique store with a 3 foot peacock feather. Ummm, no.

Is the Salvation Army considered an antique store?  Just wondering...

4. While waiting for my bridal party to walk down the aisle I was hiding in a side room. She apparently tried to switch my maid of honor with her daughter (also in the wedding) so her daughter would appear to be the maid of honor. Ummm, no.

Did your maid of honor square up? Cause that's one wedding video I would like to see.

Skip to the parenting section of life....
5. She told my 6 month old daughter (while I was sitting right there) that she had a bad mommy because I was feeding her baby food vegetables before her baby food fruits. That dd was 'really missing out on the good stuff because your mommy is so mean to you'. Ummmm, go away.

I see that as an invitation to show her what Mean Mommy does to bad ladies who make her mad.
6. She told my 6 year old daughter (same daughter as above) that she wasn't a real Catholic girl because she's not named after a saint. Oh I was sitting right there. Dd burst into tears screaming "I AM A CATHOLIC GIRL!! I GO TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL!!!!" Then looked at me like a very say puppy and said, "Mommy, is there a Saint A?" And I said, "Not yet sweetie. You will make a wonderful first St. A" MIL rolled her eyes so hard I think I heard it.

I'm saying a Novena right now that some nuns don't read this and then go kick her ass.

7. I'm trying to find the email where she told me what a horrible DIL I am because I wouldn't buy her any of the professional pictures we had taken of the kids. That she would have NEVER done that to her parents. That I am ungrateful and pathetic. For what it's worth, we didn't buy anyone any pictures, not even ourselves yet! We had them taken 9 months ago. Oops.

Take a picture of your bird finger and frame it for her.

Testimony 3:
While I was in labor with my 3rd child I agreed to let my MIL, Mother, and Stepmother all be in the room. The deal was that they all remain at the head of the bed. Did they? Nope. I had a horrible labor. The birthing experience I had looked forward to (my third and final child, felt empowered about, waited for....was bitterly ruined when all 3 decided to get a better look. Not only did they look while my child was crowning, but my MIL took it upon herself to get a peek while I was hemorrhaging after the Ob/gyn ripped (yes- tugged, yanked, jerked) the placenta out. She (MIL) said she looked at my battered, bruised, and gushing blood vagina "To make sure I wasn't dying". I could have...should have...kicked her in the damn head. I am a very private person and although the 'baby' is now 16 months old I am still PISSED about the complete invasion of privacy. Please don't get me wrong, baby was healthy and happy and that's the best outcome that could be asked for...but they, she, looked at my nether regions. Sumnabidge.

I would be all: "You knew you were not allowed to look at my chuckie during delivery.  And you stole a look against my will.  Now not only do you have to live with the image of my hoohaw at its most disgusting, but I get to kick you in yours every time I see you."  That might curtail any future visits.
Testimony 4:
My sister-in-law (married to my husband’s step-brother) and I were at an event with my step-mother-in-law. She was making introductions with some of her friends and said, “This is my daughter-in-law [introducing me]; and this is my REAL daughter-in-law[introducing her son’s wife]” Amazingly, her friends didn’t seem to think it odd that we were introduced that way.

Here's where I would consider an Unfortunate Accident.  Like accidently tripping and dropping a large spiral ham on her head.
Testimony 5:
The VERY DAY that I came home from the hospital after having my first son, and after I had had an emergency c-section, my MIL and GMIL came to my home. They were knocking on the door 10 minutes after we had arrived home. Also, to note, I was having breastfeeding problems and my child would take neither my breast OR a bottle. Oh yesser. That's right. So, I was having to attempt to breastfeed, and then give up, and then feed him pumped milk by SYRINGE, and then pump at every feeding. And yah, I had a WHOMPING case of PPD already. So, back to being at my house and I guess I wasn't welcoming enough or SOMETHING? and they got mad at my husband and said, " *H *is making us uncomfortable!" and stormed out of my home. what.EVER.

Okay...this one is REALLY bad. It was Christmas Day and I had JUST lost a 17 week pregnancy 2 weeks prior. I was sad and depressed. So, to cheer me up, when we were discussing my sil ( who wasn't there) and I said that I liked her. My MIL told me that I shouldn't because SIL "said you're the root of all evil" She didn't understand why I got up, went to the bathroom and cried and then told my husband that we were going home. When my husband talked to her about it she said, " I don't know why that would upset her?" What.ever.

Have you tried dropping a house on her and then stealing her red, shiny shoes?
Testimony 6:
I do have a fairly nice MIL, except on one front. Laundry. My husband is from France, so when we go visit, we stay with them. I would obviously do my own laundry. But she would come behind me every time, and adjust everything. As in, re-sort, change the program and sometimes even FOLD the laundry before putting it in the machine! This last time we were there, I figured out I just need to send my daughter in for interference when it's time to put a load in, then it's too late to do anything! We just bought a house, so I'll no longer be staying there and can do laundry in peace.

Seriously?  Does she wear a red, velour track suit? 
Testimony 7:
My husband and I were visiting all of our families (who live in the same town while we live out of state) on our summer vacation. Earlier in the day, we had told my parents and his dad and stepmom our terrific news about our first pregnancy and there had been happy tears all around. Then we drove to my husband's grandparents house to share the news with his mom's side of the family. (Now please keep in mind that we'd been married 4 years, we were both 27, I'm a teacher and he's an engineer-so we have steady employment, and we own our own's not like we were being irresponsible or impulsive) My husband says, "We have some great news..." and his mother bursts out with ..."You're not pregnant are you?" It was very quiet in the room after that and grandma got up and walked out she was so embarassed her daughter said that aloud. Three years later when we had the same news to announce for baby number 2, via phone she said, "Did you plan this?" Yep, turns out we did! I opted not to hear/remember what she said about baby number 3. Ironically, she was very excited about each baby once she got over her "shock". But, really, who says that about a new baby, especially when it makes you a grandma for the very first time?

She sounds lovely.  I think I saw her on Springer last week!
Testimony 8:
My M-I-L(my husband's foster mom, b/c his real mom was a D-bag and abandoned him with his abusive father at 9 yrs old and he hasn't seen her in 19 years), said, "Oh my gosh I can't believe that WHITE baby is yours." Let me explain.

My husband's half Jamaican(dad), half Irish(mom). I am Puerto Rican (aka mutt). We are caramel colored(lol). My daughter is Fair skinned. Yes she mine, yes I pushed that baby out of my hoohah.

If I wasn't drugged up I would have squared up and kicked her in her taco!!! I had to stop my mom from doing what I couldn't.

You need to let your mom do what she has to do.  She earned that taco kick...

Testimony 9:
So....My boyfriend(now husband) had been together about 5yrs and we decided to start living together before we got married!! Totally pissed his parents off because they are southern baptist and DO NOT BELIEVE in that sort of thing!! They wont stay with us because they didnt want to be a part of our living arrangement! Whatever..fine!! So my soon to be MIL would come over to do her laundry and would also go through our dirty clothes basket and do all her sons laundry but only leave my thongs in the basket!! I was totally mortified at first but then it just got to be so damn funny!!

Were you all: "WASH MY THONGS, WOMAN!" and if not, why not?

So...A year later we find out we are expecting our first child,out of wedlock, and she sends me this shmitty letter telling me how disappointed she is in me!! WTF...seriously!! I was 31 at the time and their son was 44 at the time!! You would think they would be over the moon to finally be grandparents! ANyway she is still a total bitch ever since I have given her ass 3 grandchildren in 4 yrs!! Oh and btw they still refuse to stay with us!! Which is great.....wooohooo....

I think you should bring them your dirty thongs at their hotel.  And then say: "I think you know what you need to do with these."
Testimony 10:
My mother in law is INSANE. Completely insane.  When I was pregnant with my son, my mother in law was insistent that we would name our son Mitchell, her maiden name. We didn't want to do that, but she insisted. She was so insistent that she had the bakery write "Welcome Baby Mitchell!" on the cake she ordered for the baby shower she threw for me. Then at the shower, several people commented on how we were naming the baby Mitchell. I gently corrected them, but mother in law kept telling people I was wrong, the baby would be named Mitchell.

One night, a few weeks before my due date, I was at the grocery store and ran into a co-worker of my mother in law's. She's had the same job since my husband was a child, so all the coworkers know my husband and knew we were expecting. This coworker mentioned that she would see us on Friday, "at the shower at the office." I came home and told my husband about it. He called his mom, wondering if we missed something. My mother in law informed my husband that her coworkers were throwing HER a baby shower for OUR baby. We were welcome to come, but that it was going to be a party for her to get the stuff she would need for keeping our baby at her house. We were shocked - who does that? So my husband does some undercover investigation and discovers that the coworkers have planned a lunch with a gift for the baby and mother in law was supposed to tell us. She somehow thought people were buying gifts for her. I told you, insane.

The best though is at the hospital while I was in labor. I was very clear with my husband that I wanted nobody but us in the room. His mom understood that, but she came to the hospital to sit in the waiting room. OF COURSE she didn't sit in the waiting room. She pushed her way into my room and wouldn't leave. Finally I asked the nurse to tell her to go and the nurse kicks her out. I ended up needing a c-section, so mother in law stood in the hallway right outside of the operating room. When they rushed my son from the OR to the NICU, the doors opened and I hear...... wait for it......... Oh look at Mitchell!!!!!! Grandma loves you baby Mitchell!!!!!!! She proceeded to call him Mitchell for the next two weeks. My husband finally told her if she didn't call him by his name, we were cutting off all contact.

I could go on and on :) She's a nutcase, but she loves my kids.

What is it about Mothers-in-Laws that make them think *they* get to choose *your* baby's name?  Lady, if I was going to name my baby after you I would have named him Whackjob and that is not a nice name for a sweet, little baby.  You need to toddle on back to the Nervous Hospital, put on your white, huggy jacket and go for a nice sleep in your bouncy room.  Buh-bye.
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