Friday, May 21, 2010

The Most Whacktastic Mother-In-Law Stories Ever Part III

And, the hits just keep on coming. Kate has to stress at this point that her MIL, whom she and the IHPs call GrandMere, is as awesome as they come. It should also be pointed out that GrandMere and Kate spend a lot of their time together drinking champagne and watching the IHPs whack golf balls (and peeing) into the lawn off the deck. Proving once again that champagne makes you an awesome parent. Oh, and the last time Kate was at her house, there was a T-Box in the fridge. WHATUP GRAND-MERE! You awesome.

But, if you're not all caught up...here's One thru Ten...and here's Eleven thru Twenty...

OK, back to our regularly scheduled programming...

Testimony 21:

When I was still recovering from the birth of my third daughter, my MIL berated me for not having my 20-month-old twins potty trained yet. She suggested I set a timer to go off every hour, and sit them on the potty until they produce. If they have an accident (in between the bells going off), punish them by making them sit in their room until the bell goes off again. All I could muster to say back was, "I have a nursing newborn and twins that aren't even two yet. If bells start going off every hour in this house, I am seriously going to lose my mind." I can't believe my husband's not a complete psychopath after being raised by this woman.

Better idea: Treat her beloved bell like the DING before boxing matches. Then channel Mike Tyson without the clearly ill-fitting voice (whats up with that anyway? It's like seeing Clay Aiken and having him sound like Barry White...or watching chickens talk...what's with the pigeon by the way?) Two rounds and one missing ear later, we suspect that bell will be safely stashed in her luggage as she FLEES your house. You're welcome.

Testimony 22:

My MIL has no filter...she says whatever is on her mind: One Christmas my husband, baby daughter and I arrived at the family Christmas party that was for his mom's side of the family's relatives. My daughter was born at Thanksgiving and was only a month old at the time, so everyone was oooo-ing and ahhhh-ing over her because this was the first time many of our relatives had seen her, so we were the center of attention. Right in the middle of all this chaos, with everyone looking on, my MIL grabs my face in her hands and says very loudly, "Ohhhh, looks like someone got a big zit for Christmas!"

OMG. Sigh heavily. Pretend it's on HER face. Say, "I know MIL. I saw it too. It's a doozy. Did you think about putting cream on it? I mean, after all, all these people were coming to your house. Maybe you could wear a bag or something?"

Testimony 23:

My MIL Is a Horrible Selfish Person, She always promises my kids she will come over or come spend Holidays with themand never does.
She thinks Being a Grandma is " too hard" and that she would rather goto church Meetings and stuff with her friends.
It's like puling teeth to get her to visit or call the kids.. This last Christmas she told our 5 year old that she promised she would spend Christmas with her, and that they could have a sleepover together while they waited for Santa to come, and that they would bake the cookies etc.. My 5 yr old looked forward to this for a whole Month.
On Christmas Eve, guess what? No Grandma came over...she instead went to California with a friend to the mountains. Yah try explaining that to a little girl who is sobbing because she was going to make Santa's cookies with Grandma.

Wow, she's ummm wow. In between teaching them colors and shapes and math, I'd teach them this very important phrase that should handle the G-ma situation for the rest of ever. "Gramma whack." When she calls, they can be all "sure, let's make cookies..." and then look at you and you shrug and do the palm up what-do-we-say-at-this-point? gesture. And one day your little one will make your heart burst when she hangs up the phone, looks at you and in that perfect little voice, says "that lady is whack."

Testimony 24:

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. My MIL was getting remarried and we came cross country for her wedding. At the time, our daughter was almost 3 and our son was 4 months. She had some friends come over to visit the night before the wedding. Everyone was "oohing" and "ahhhing" at our son when someone looked on the fridge at a baby picture of our daughter. One lady mentioned how much our son and daughter looked alike. I overheard my MIL say "at least we know she didn't cheat on him." WHAT? Yep, that's what she said. Now, she's never been fond of me for some reason. I've never done anything to make her think anything bad of me. I have done nothing but support my husband through 3 deployments and all she has to say about me is THAT!!!

"Yes, they DO look exactly alike. And just like Daddy, don't you think? Super happy Daddy carried on paternal DNA. Can't imagine them looking any other way." As an alternative, didn't your hubby bring home "souveniers" from his deployment? May I suggest you drop one in her toilet?

Testimony 25:

My former MIL told all of her friends to not bother giving us presents because it wouldn't last more than a year. I proved her wrong and made it a whopping 4 years!

Easy: Don't give her anything. Tell her you're saving the money for her funeral flowers. Big freakin' arrangement. Huge. Then smile. Because she knows it's true...

Testimony 26:

I went back and forth about sending my story in, but I decided that it was just too "great" not to share. My husband (now an ex-husband) and I moved to half an hour away from my in-laws. We had a 9 month old daughter who was teething at the time. One of the few things that would make my kiddo happy for more than two seconds was Cheetos (the hard crunchy kind not the cheese puffs). We were sitting down for dinner, and my kiddo started to scream, so I handed her a Cheetos to gnaw on. My MIL jumped out of her chair, ran around the table, and ripped the Cheeto out of her 9 month old granddaughters hand. She then told her "This is poison. Your mother is feeding you poison. Grandma will make sure you don't get any poison." I could not believe that she would A) make her granddaughter cry because she took her food away and B) tell her granddaughter that she was eating poison. Needless to say, my ex-husband made solo trips to his mother's house for a long time.

Now that her son and I are divorced, she and I get along wonderfully.

Ummm, really? Do you bond over Cheetos and T-Boxes? Or, are you just trying to poison her slowly? We think you actually ARE Jack Bauer. The patient one...
No, actually, you're awesome. We're pretty sure your from outer space to be all lovin' on your ex-MIL, but it totally makes us want to go to outer space with you. Because then we can watch all the snitchy MILs who got kicked in the taco floating around in the stratosphere. 

Testimony 27:

These days, my MIL rants are just pathetic and confusing, because contact has finally died down to just receiving anonymous birthday cards in the mail... my birthday and my husband's are about three weeks apart, so I'm pretty sure it goes down like this... "Hmm, let's get sweetums a birthday card, he's such a perfect Son (inflection HERS, not mine). Too bad he's married to that Snitch... oh crap, that means HER birthday is coming up too. Can't actually admit how much we hate Hate HATE her so I'd better get some generic in-law birthday card for her too. Yep. This'll do." Then she writes manipulative love notes full of regret at how horrible I am in HIS, and mails them both separately. One year I got a Brother-in-Law card with no name on it (even mine, much less hers), I had to check the postmark to see if it came from my sister to my husband or something.

There's literally LEGIONS of stories here...my favorite MIL horror stories have to do with her grandchildren. My poor daughter has always struggled with her weight. Every time we visit, Grandmonster starts in with how "worried" she is about her weight IN FRONT OF HER. The poor kid is already a sensitive teenager, and has to hear this crap.
"I'm so worried, you're so FAT!! Oh, poor baby, are you sad? What's wrong? Why are you so sad all the time? Want a cookie? You should have some ice cream. We're going to get pizza and fried chicken for dinner tonight, won't that make you feel better? When ARE you going to get serious and lose some weight? Oh dear, you're just SO FAT, I'm SO WORRIED! You just take these twinkies/chips/cookies/gum/miscellaneousfattysugarfilledcrap and sneak it into your bag for when you get home, ok dear? I won't tell your mother if you don't!"

And we have a son with special needs... he has emotional issues and needs structure and a peaceful environment or he gets overstimulated and freaks out. Not possible at their house. You can actually see the meltdown coming, at which point, MIL starts another flappity rant like the one above, but instead of "fat", she goes on about how "damaged" he is!!! IN FRONT OF HIM WHILE HE'S LOSING IT. Wailing way with Tammie Faye mascara running down her overfull crepey throat under the pina colada surprise fright wig while waving her hands around like a drunken chicken in Chinatown....

But I'M a BAD MOTHER and a SNITCH because I don't want to visit and I don't want to send my poor defenseless children into their care without me.

Step One: Borrow Kate's pointiest Choos.
Step Two: SQUARE. UP.
Step Three: Smile sweetly...say "You haven't even begun to experience fat and damaged...yet."
Step Four: Choos, meet MIL. MIL, say hello to my pointy friends.
Step Five: We have liftoff.
Step Six: Declare Victory. Kate and Lydia will supply the refreshements.
Testimony 28:

Oh, I double dog dare anyone to top my MIL. She is THE most self-centered woman on the planet. When my sister-in-law had a stroke, her first response was, "why do these things keep happening to me??" When I told my bridal party, just before we walked down the aisle, how much they all meant to me, and how special that moment was, she said, "I'm just glad I found this great dress." But the best story of all, the one that cannot be topped, is this (I swear it is all true):

My brother-in-law has twin daughters who were, at the time of this story, 11 years old. Sweet, sweet girls. My BIL dropped them off at MIL's house so that she could take them to the mall for shopping and some dinner while he and my SIL went to a meeting. When my BIL returned home, he called MIL. The following exchange took place:

BIL: Hi, mom, I'm coming by to get the girls.
MIL: Oh, they're not here. They're with the soccer coach.
BIL: Which soccer coach? They've had a whole bunch.
MIL: I didn't get his name.
BIL: I'm sorry, what??? Did you get his phone number? What happened?
MIL: No, I didn't get his number. They seemed to know him.
BIL: What????!!!
MIL: You shouldn't yell at me. I felt a little tired, and they were talking to the soccer coach, so I left.

Whereupon, she hung up on him.

[as an aside, at this point in the story when it was told to me, I turned to my husband and reiterated that MIL was NEVER watching our children]. BIL was completely freaked, called all over town, and eventually reached poor beleaguered soccer coach who was really upset that some woman had left her grandchildren with him. To this day, MIL does not think that she has done anything wrong. Also to this day, if my toddler is not immediately in my sight and I ask my husband where he is, the answer is always, "soccer coach."

When she's old...and all the lovely lovely things that accompany old age, tell her you've found the perfect person to tend to her daily needs...you call him "Soccer Coach." May I recommend someone who looks like this?


Testimony 29:

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for facilitating my much-needed MIL catharsis.

There are so many stories, it's hard to choose. There's the time she showed up drunk to my bridal shower, the time she walked out on our wedding reception because she was "tired", the time she yelled "YOU F***ERS!" at the baby furniture salesman, the time she called my son "Kirk" for several months because she hated the name we gave him and she always liked Kirk Douglas. . . the list goes on.

What is it with the renaming kids? These MILS are whack! But, imagining your MIL in the middle of a sweet baby furniture store with all the blankies and lovies and screaming "You F**kers!" at the top of her lungs...that's. just. awesome. Unless it was my MIL, and then I'd have to summon Chuck Norris, because that man don't tolerate no bullsh*t in baby stores.  

Testimony 30:

Ohhhh man, there are some crazy bitches out there!

OK, so my psycho MIL is actually now my EX-MIL.....and I can't tell you how happy I am to be able to say that!

When her son and I were getting married she planned a bridal shower for me. Very sweet....if she would have bothered to tell me about it. So she called me about 3 hours pre-shower asking if I wanted her to pick me up on the way...."On the way to what? I'm getting ready to go to a play with my mom/sister/grandma/aunt (because none of them were told about it either)." She proceeded to guilt trip me into ditching my own family to go to this bridal shower at the last minute and then when we got there whispered into my ear the whole time things like "Look how much trouble everyone went to for you" and "Make sure you go around and tell everyone thank you".

One more MIL story....when ex-husband and I were getting divorced (my son was about 3 months old), the night before our court date she called both my Mom and my Dad (divorced....separate homes) to pretend to make small talk and ask them if they were going to court with me the following day. When they both said no (because why would they go to that? I'm a big girl....), she told them that she wasn't going either. The next day, ex-husband showed up with MIL, FIL, his grandma, both brothers, SILs, and some other family members....13 in total. To intimidate me.

Now that we're divorced, when I drop my son off (my ex lives with his parents.....and his new love-child whose mother abandoned them both....nice) she tries to convince me that we should be together again even though I am engaged. Thank God my new MIL-to-be lives over 2000 miles away!

You know, there are few things that scare Kate more than a 70-something lady showing up to court with her mama. It may be the handbag...or the stockings that always seem super think (don't they?) or it may be the hair that's sorta reddish, but more verging on pink because grey hair just isn't meant to be colored. Or...could it just be that that beyotch is whack and even Maude can't fix this one? Which is saying something, because Maude. Can. Do. Anything.  

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