Friday, May 21, 2010

The Most Whacktastic Mother-In-Law Stories Ever Part III

And, the hits just keep on coming. Kate has to stress at this point that her MIL, whom she and the IHPs call GrandMere, is as awesome as they come. It should also be pointed out that GrandMere and Kate spend a lot of their time together drinking champagne and watching the IHPs whack golf balls (and peeing) into the lawn off the deck. Proving once again that champagne makes you an awesome parent. Oh, and the last time Kate was at her house, there was a T-Box in the fridge. WHATUP GRAND-MERE! You awesome.

But, if you're not all caught up...here's One thru Ten...and here's Eleven thru Twenty...

OK, back to our regularly scheduled programming...

Testimony 21:

When I was still recovering from the birth of my third daughter, my MIL berated me for not having my 20-month-old twins potty trained yet. She suggested I set a timer to go off every hour, and sit them on the potty until they produce. If they have an accident (in between the bells going off), punish them by making them sit in their room until the bell goes off again. All I could muster to say back was, "I have a nursing newborn and twins that aren't even two yet. If bells start going off every hour in this house, I am seriously going to lose my mind." I can't believe my husband's not a complete psychopath after being raised by this woman.

Better idea: Treat her beloved bell like the DING before boxing matches. Then channel Mike Tyson without the clearly ill-fitting voice (whats up with that anyway? It's like seeing Clay Aiken and having him sound like Barry White...or watching chickens talk...what's with the pigeon by the way?) Two rounds and one missing ear later, we suspect that bell will be safely stashed in her luggage as she FLEES your house. You're welcome.

Testimony 22:

My MIL has no filter...she says whatever is on her mind: One Christmas my husband, baby daughter and I arrived at the family Christmas party that was for his mom's side of the family's relatives. My daughter was born at Thanksgiving and was only a month old at the time, so everyone was oooo-ing and ahhhh-ing over her because this was the first time many of our relatives had seen her, so we were the center of attention. Right in the middle of all this chaos, with everyone looking on, my MIL grabs my face in her hands and says very loudly, "Ohhhh, looks like someone got a big zit for Christmas!"

OMG. Sigh heavily. Pretend it's on HER face. Say, "I know MIL. I saw it too. It's a doozy. Did you think about putting cream on it? I mean, after all, all these people were coming to your house. Maybe you could wear a bag or something?"

Testimony 23:

My MIL Is a Horrible Selfish Person, She always promises my kids she will come over or come spend Holidays with themand never does.
She thinks Being a Grandma is " too hard" and that she would rather goto church Meetings and stuff with her friends.
It's like puling teeth to get her to visit or call the kids.. This last Christmas she told our 5 year old that she promised she would spend Christmas with her, and that they could have a sleepover together while they waited for Santa to come, and that they would bake the cookies etc.. My 5 yr old looked forward to this for a whole Month.
On Christmas Eve, guess what? No Grandma came over...she instead went to California with a friend to the mountains. Yah try explaining that to a little girl who is sobbing because she was going to make Santa's cookies with Grandma.

Wow, she's ummm wow. In between teaching them colors and shapes and math, I'd teach them this very important phrase that should handle the G-ma situation for the rest of ever. "Gramma whack." When she calls, they can be all "sure, let's make cookies..." and then look at you and you shrug and do the palm up what-do-we-say-at-this-point? gesture. And one day your little one will make your heart burst when she hangs up the phone, looks at you and in that perfect little voice, says "that lady is whack."

Testimony 24:

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. My MIL was getting remarried and we came cross country for her wedding. At the time, our daughter was almost 3 and our son was 4 months. She had some friends come over to visit the night before the wedding. Everyone was "oohing" and "ahhhing" at our son when someone looked on the fridge at a baby picture of our daughter. One lady mentioned how much our son and daughter looked alike. I overheard my MIL say "at least we know she didn't cheat on him." WHAT? Yep, that's what she said. Now, she's never been fond of me for some reason. I've never done anything to make her think anything bad of me. I have done nothing but support my husband through 3 deployments and all she has to say about me is THAT!!!

"Yes, they DO look exactly alike. And just like Daddy, don't you think? Super happy Daddy carried on paternal DNA. Can't imagine them looking any other way." As an alternative, didn't your hubby bring home "souveniers" from his deployment? May I suggest you drop one in her toilet?

Testimony 25:

My former MIL told all of her friends to not bother giving us presents because it wouldn't last more than a year. I proved her wrong and made it a whopping 4 years!

Easy: Don't give her anything. Tell her you're saving the money for her funeral flowers. Big freakin' arrangement. Huge. Then smile. Because she knows it's true...

Testimony 26:

I went back and forth about sending my story in, but I decided that it was just too "great" not to share. My husband (now an ex-husband) and I moved to half an hour away from my in-laws. We had a 9 month old daughter who was teething at the time. One of the few things that would make my kiddo happy for more than two seconds was Cheetos (the hard crunchy kind not the cheese puffs). We were sitting down for dinner, and my kiddo started to scream, so I handed her a Cheetos to gnaw on. My MIL jumped out of her chair, ran around the table, and ripped the Cheeto out of her 9 month old granddaughters hand. She then told her "This is poison. Your mother is feeding you poison. Grandma will make sure you don't get any poison." I could not believe that she would A) make her granddaughter cry because she took her food away and B) tell her granddaughter that she was eating poison. Needless to say, my ex-husband made solo trips to his mother's house for a long time.

Now that her son and I are divorced, she and I get along wonderfully.

Ummm, really? Do you bond over Cheetos and T-Boxes? Or, are you just trying to poison her slowly? We think you actually ARE Jack Bauer. The patient one...
No, actually, you're awesome. We're pretty sure your from outer space to be all lovin' on your ex-MIL, but it totally makes us want to go to outer space with you. Because then we can watch all the snitchy MILs who got kicked in the taco floating around in the stratosphere. 

Testimony 27:

These days, my MIL rants are just pathetic and confusing, because contact has finally died down to just receiving anonymous birthday cards in the mail... my birthday and my husband's are about three weeks apart, so I'm pretty sure it goes down like this... "Hmm, let's get sweetums a birthday card, he's such a perfect Son (inflection HERS, not mine). Too bad he's married to that Snitch... oh crap, that means HER birthday is coming up too. Can't actually admit how much we hate Hate HATE her so I'd better get some generic in-law birthday card for her too. Yep. This'll do." Then she writes manipulative love notes full of regret at how horrible I am in HIS, and mails them both separately. One year I got a Brother-in-Law card with no name on it (even mine, much less hers), I had to check the postmark to see if it came from my sister to my husband or something.

There's literally LEGIONS of stories here...my favorite MIL horror stories have to do with her grandchildren. My poor daughter has always struggled with her weight. Every time we visit, Grandmonster starts in with how "worried" she is about her weight IN FRONT OF HER. The poor kid is already a sensitive teenager, and has to hear this crap.
"I'm so worried, you're so FAT!! Oh, poor baby, are you sad? What's wrong? Why are you so sad all the time? Want a cookie? You should have some ice cream. We're going to get pizza and fried chicken for dinner tonight, won't that make you feel better? When ARE you going to get serious and lose some weight? Oh dear, you're just SO FAT, I'm SO WORRIED! You just take these twinkies/chips/cookies/gum/miscellaneousfattysugarfilledcrap and sneak it into your bag for when you get home, ok dear? I won't tell your mother if you don't!"

And we have a son with special needs... he has emotional issues and needs structure and a peaceful environment or he gets overstimulated and freaks out. Not possible at their house. You can actually see the meltdown coming, at which point, MIL starts another flappity rant like the one above, but instead of "fat", she goes on about how "damaged" he is!!! IN FRONT OF HIM WHILE HE'S LOSING IT. Wailing way with Tammie Faye mascara running down her overfull crepey throat under the pina colada surprise fright wig while waving her hands around like a drunken chicken in Chinatown....

But I'M a BAD MOTHER and a SNITCH because I don't want to visit and I don't want to send my poor defenseless children into their care without me.

Step One: Borrow Kate's pointiest Choos.
Step Two: SQUARE. UP.
Step Three: Smile sweetly...say "You haven't even begun to experience fat and damaged...yet."
Step Four: Choos, meet MIL. MIL, say hello to my pointy friends.
Step Five: We have liftoff.
Step Six: Declare Victory. Kate and Lydia will supply the refreshements.
Testimony 28:

Oh, I double dog dare anyone to top my MIL. She is THE most self-centered woman on the planet. When my sister-in-law had a stroke, her first response was, "why do these things keep happening to me??" When I told my bridal party, just before we walked down the aisle, how much they all meant to me, and how special that moment was, she said, "I'm just glad I found this great dress." But the best story of all, the one that cannot be topped, is this (I swear it is all true):

My brother-in-law has twin daughters who were, at the time of this story, 11 years old. Sweet, sweet girls. My BIL dropped them off at MIL's house so that she could take them to the mall for shopping and some dinner while he and my SIL went to a meeting. When my BIL returned home, he called MIL. The following exchange took place:

BIL: Hi, mom, I'm coming by to get the girls.
MIL: Oh, they're not here. They're with the soccer coach.
BIL: Which soccer coach? They've had a whole bunch.
MIL: I didn't get his name.
BIL: I'm sorry, what??? Did you get his phone number? What happened?
MIL: No, I didn't get his number. They seemed to know him.
BIL: What????!!!
MIL: You shouldn't yell at me. I felt a little tired, and they were talking to the soccer coach, so I left.

Whereupon, she hung up on him.

[as an aside, at this point in the story when it was told to me, I turned to my husband and reiterated that MIL was NEVER watching our children]. BIL was completely freaked, called all over town, and eventually reached poor beleaguered soccer coach who was really upset that some woman had left her grandchildren with him. To this day, MIL does not think that she has done anything wrong. Also to this day, if my toddler is not immediately in my sight and I ask my husband where he is, the answer is always, "soccer coach."

When she's old...and all the lovely lovely things that accompany old age, tell her you've found the perfect person to tend to her daily needs...you call him "Soccer Coach." May I recommend someone who looks like this?


Testimony 29:

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for facilitating my much-needed MIL catharsis.

There are so many stories, it's hard to choose. There's the time she showed up drunk to my bridal shower, the time she walked out on our wedding reception because she was "tired", the time she yelled "YOU F***ERS!" at the baby furniture salesman, the time she called my son "Kirk" for several months because she hated the name we gave him and she always liked Kirk Douglas. . . the list goes on.

What is it with the renaming kids? These MILS are whack! But, imagining your MIL in the middle of a sweet baby furniture store with all the blankies and lovies and screaming "You F**kers!" at the top of her lungs...that's. just. awesome. Unless it was my MIL, and then I'd have to summon Chuck Norris, because that man don't tolerate no bullsh*t in baby stores.  

Testimony 30:

Ohhhh man, there are some crazy bitches out there!

OK, so my psycho MIL is actually now my EX-MIL.....and I can't tell you how happy I am to be able to say that!

When her son and I were getting married she planned a bridal shower for me. Very sweet....if she would have bothered to tell me about it. So she called me about 3 hours pre-shower asking if I wanted her to pick me up on the way...."On the way to what? I'm getting ready to go to a play with my mom/sister/grandma/aunt (because none of them were told about it either)." She proceeded to guilt trip me into ditching my own family to go to this bridal shower at the last minute and then when we got there whispered into my ear the whole time things like "Look how much trouble everyone went to for you" and "Make sure you go around and tell everyone thank you".

One more MIL story....when ex-husband and I were getting divorced (my son was about 3 months old), the night before our court date she called both my Mom and my Dad (divorced....separate homes) to pretend to make small talk and ask them if they were going to court with me the following day. When they both said no (because why would they go to that? I'm a big girl....), she told them that she wasn't going either. The next day, ex-husband showed up with MIL, FIL, his grandma, both brothers, SILs, and some other family members....13 in total. To intimidate me.

Now that we're divorced, when I drop my son off (my ex lives with his parents.....and his new love-child whose mother abandoned them both....nice) she tries to convince me that we should be together again even though I am engaged. Thank God my new MIL-to-be lives over 2000 miles away!

You know, there are few things that scare Kate more than a 70-something lady showing up to court with her mama. It may be the handbag...or the stockings that always seem super think (don't they?) or it may be the hair that's sorta reddish, but more verging on pink because grey hair just isn't meant to be colored. Or...could it just be that that beyotch is whack and even Maude can't fix this one? Which is saying something, because Maude. Can. Do. Anything.  

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17 comments:

  1. OMG!!! such perfect timing. where do i get that shirt??? i must have one!! not sure how i missed the submission part cause boy of boy do i have a story. brother in law is coming for a visit today, yea me! pretty sure he is a closet homosexual (not that there is anything wrong w that) and comes to 'visit' us 3x a year, stays in a hotel, goes out 'alone', drinks like a fish and comes over only to drink coffee, drop cigarette butts in the drive and get a free meal. i keep saying i won't cover for his fat arss and dh says that may or may not be happening and it's none of my business.

    highlight of mother in law monster series... she has a picture of a 'grandson' conceived by an affair my husband had in the height of his alcholism on her fridge and sister in law confused said picture for my son who is 3 years younger and way cuter. i could write a book, but i'm trying to not 'dwell'.

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  2. I have so much enjoyed reading everyone's horror stories. They make me feel so much better about my own family!

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  3. hee hee hee! I love MIL stories! :) :)

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  4. As these MIL's go mine is pretty tame...except when I finally got pregnant after being married to my husband for 6 long infertile years. We called them to tell them the happy news and I kid you not...they asked my husband(who had actually had an affair) if he was "sure" the baby was his!!! I lost it and reminded them that *I* was not the cheater in our relationship, that was their son! So to cover for their utter stupidness she said "oh we really just meant are you sure you didn't have any "procedure" done to get pregnant...yep, we had a procedure...it's called sex, prayer and a miricle!

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  5. I have to say, I don't feel so bad now, knowing others suffer as I do, LOL!

    My MIL is always nice to my face, but bad mouths me to other people, and of course it gets back to me. . .umm she trashes me to my husband for pete sake!

    She and my SIL are so bad that other people in the family have told me they were "warned" about me before they ever met me, and can't understand what the problem is. . . Good to hear from somebody that I'm a great mom and wife!

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  6. @anon. That is her grandson. Alcoholism or affair or not that child is not only her grandson but your husband's son. I feel sorry for your future DIL.

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  7. you will be a mother in law someday and if you have a son, you will be the one who is hated. Take it to the bank. Good luck.

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  8. Want to give your future daughter-in-law a complex AND make your son feel second rate?

    Take your husband's EX-WIFE and their son to Disney World.

    No need to see if MAYBE he would've liked to have gone or check to see if he's okay with it.

    Yes, he would have and no, he's not.

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  9. After failing to convience my DH not to marry me she didn't come to teh wedding because everytime someone said somethign about us getting married She has a panic attack and had to go to teh hospital thinking she was having a heart attack.

    My MIL told Me she "don't have to like you, you aren't family after all."

    She praised my DD(2 y/o) for throwing a fit.( after all that's how you get what you want in this world) When I told her to stop she told me "give up, I am the grandmother and you aren't going to win." (wrong I'm the mother and I decide who sees my child!)

    Last christmas she sent me one of those sample packet you get for buying stuff in the department store of... anti aging skin care products.

    We have had visits that have traumatized me to the point I still can't talk about them.

    My MIL might not be my favorite person.

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  10. Oh boy do I have a story for you. I wish I could write all of my stories, but I think this box has a character limit :D

    Just about a month ago, my mom and dad threw me a baby shower. I invited my FMIL, MSIL and her GF to come out ti be polite. They all said that they were going to come and it was all good. About a week, maybe 5 days before the shower, my FMIL asks if she can bring along her granddaughter over FB. Dont get me wrong, I love my niece, I have been around since she was like 8 months old, and now she is 4. I am one of the only constant female figures in this little girls life because her "mother" is pretty much just an egg donor and incubator. But, I had to tell her no because I was at my guest limit since my parents had already planned for a certain amount of people. Also, I don't think that s 4 year old needs to be at a baby shower, there really isnt much for them to do.

    Anyways, she was all fine about it to my face and said that it was fine and what not. So like two days before the shower, her daughter, my FSIL and her GF tell us that they aren't going to make it because they got a gig to make some extra money and I was all for them making the money because they needed it. So as soon as his mom finds out that they arent coming she asks to bring her granddaughter again. I was ticked but said yea whatever. The whole day, it seemed that all his mom could talk about was how good she was behaving and that she was being a good kid, when in actuality, she was being a tyrant. I had to damn near wrangle the shower gifts out of her hands because she tried to open them, thinking they were hers. Thank goodness my DF stepped in and told her to go sit down because they werent for her. I love him for that. Other then that, the day went off without a hitch.

    Later that night my FSIL came home from the gig and invited us over to hang out since she missed the shower. My FSIL is probably the person I like the most out of his family, but there are still days where I could choke her out. But i digress. We went over and we were hanging out and she asked me about the shower and I told her it was fun and such. She then asked me if our niece was there and I told her yea and then she said. "My mom was saying how you took away -Niece's name-'s invite?" My jaw dropped. I looked over at my DF and he did the same thing. Apparently, FMIL called her daughter the night that I said that her granddaughter could not come and told her this fairy tale of how I "Promised" the niece to come then I took the invite away from her and that I was breaking the little girls heart because she was so excited about the baby and she was learning how to change diapers and what not. I was in shock, so my lovely, wonderful, super sexy and smart DF stepped up and told his sister the whole story, about how just them 3 were invited and that their mom tried to invite the niece to tag along and that even he didnt want her there because she is spoiled and it would have been more about her then the new baby, which it ended up kinda being that way. Long story short, this isnt the first time that FMMIL has tried to cause a rift between FSIL and I, but FSIL and DF are starting to catch on about the whole deal and now they know its not all in my hard :)


    Oh, and FMIL's idea of a baby shower gift? A single sample diaper that is size 3 or 4 (I cant remember) that was left unwrapped in the gift bag, a cheaply made Dollar Store "Bring Home Outfit" that already had the seams falling out, a packet of sample formula even though she keeps telling me I need to breastfeed (which I plan on doing anyways, but she keeps on insisting that I HAVE to do it), and a dollar store burp rag. And she kept fishing for compliments the whole day about how "she picked everything out just for me".

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  11. Ok, SO I actually love my MIL, but there have been a few hiccups, and taken 2 years to get to where we are now. I would love to speak about them all, but one that stands out for me is a week after my son was born.

    DH and I got home from the hospital 2 days after my son was born. We had no visitors for a few days, as my son was full blown collic all day long, and having people over was a NO NO, not for a few days anyways. I had been sending everyone pictures of my son (VIA Multimedia message) Anyways, about a week after my son was born, I invited my IL's over for lunch. When FIL & MIL got there, MIL did not look very impressed with me. Says no one sent her any pictures, no one bothered informing her of anything... She at the time, did not have an MMS enabled phone, what was I supposed to do? I did call her on a daily basis and let her know how it was going. After dinner, (Ater they had eall eaten) and I had spent the entire evening consoling my son alone, in the bedroom, as he was just screaming, he eventually fell asleep, she was upset I wouldnt wake him up and let her play with him!!! I mean, 2 hours to calm my son down, and she wants me to wake him...is she mad, I was exhausted too. She eventually shouted to me that I let my mother see him and play with him (which is not the case, my mom hadnt even seen him yet) and proceeded to walk out, slam the door and wake my son up to resume his screaming session. FIL was shocked and just apologised and went after her.

    No, my son, whom is 9 months old, really adores her, and I am grateful she is always there for us when we need her, it took a long time to get to this point, but we got here, and I suppose I should leave the past in the past.

    I wont even begin to start with FIL!

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  12. I'm so glad I'm not alone in this. I have experienced many levels of evil from my MIL.

    Like a lot of people, my hubs & I have fallen on hard times. I was pregnant, out apt. was infested with black mold, & the company he worked for had just went under.

    So after my son was born, we moved in with them. Ever since then, it has been an emotional & physical rollercoaster ride from Hell. She is constantly talking about all of her experience with children & how my son is difficult or different. He is extremely smart. He is 20 months old, counts to 30 in English, 10 in Spanish, knows his own name & middle names, etc. She will take credit for all of this in front of strangers.

    If she doesn't understand something or when I tell her something that has changed over the years since she was a mother or a babysitter; (We're talking a good 40 years too) it's the silliest thing she's never heard. Or commenting that her children survived, etc. One of them had whooping cough twice & now doesn't even call her on holidays or birthdays. Both of her sons know she is something else.

    When me & my hub first got together, it had been about 2 and a half weeks since we seen her. She went to my parents house & cried saying that I don't like her & that I'm keeping her son away from her, how she feels abandoned. Drama, drama, drama. This hasn't stopped, now 5 years later.

    I don't even want to go into detail about what she thinks of my mothering skills or how often she lights up her 85th cigarette with my son in her arms.

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  13. My mil set my husband and I up everything was going great until I got pregnant when I told her I was pregnant she did not believe me and asked to see the pregnancy tests when I showed her our first ultra sound she said nooo thats not yours is it.Then one day we told her we were moving (we lived next door) all hell broke loose she called her son outside yelled and screamed at him hit him several times we stopped talking to her then one day my oldest daughter was outside and she pushed her I went outside and questioned her she was going to hit me I was 5 months pregnant at the time my husband stood infront of me and she attacked him for protecting me she has called childrens aide on us numerous time since then we moved and have not spoken to her in a year and no one else in the family will talk to us because of all her lies and bull crap.

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  14. My soon to be mil brought a friend from work over (whp was a year younger than me) and made my now fiance and her eat dinner alone together then berated him for not staying after the dinner and getting to know this girl. Instead he opted for playing video games til it was time to pick me up from work. Yes i was at work until almost midnight and when i came home his mom didnt even leave me any left overs from this "suprise visit" of her friend's but my amazing guy made me dinner when i got home. She still insists on having the girls pic posted on the fridge even thpugh shes not been back since.

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  15. So ive been with my now fiance for 4 years this coming summer and some time around our 3 year anniversary we moved in with his mom after they got back in touch. She was nice at first to me but something always seemed off. Anyways apparently about 3 or 4 months after moving in together she brings a girl from work home for a visit made dinner and made my now fiance have dinner with the new girl (who was less than a year younger than me) and then got mad at him for not staying after dinner to get to know this girl. He instead played video games til it was time to pick me up from work where the girl was miraculously gone before we got back so i never got to meet her myself. Anyways i get hom his mom had conveniently not made enough for just me (there was more of what they had for dinner that just wasnt cooked) my fiance made me dinner and told me all about it and even though shes not been by our place since, his mom still insists her picture be displayed on our fridge. Our living room has 1 picture of me set off from all the other pictures of her and my fiance and her other kids and family but out of all the pictures shes taken all the ones with me in them "didnt turn out right"

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  17. My Mother in law STOLE the only piece of jewelry passed down to me by my great grandmother. (My favorite person in the whole world who practically raised me) when I wore it around her, she eyeballed it for awhile and then snuck into my room while my husband and I were sleeping to steal it. We both remember waking up hearing and seeing her do this. Apon confronting her, she vehemently denied it, then a year or so later she admitted she may have "taken it to keep it safe". Now she denies it but when given a description of the necklace she says, "oh that's my necklace. I don't remember if my husband or your brother gave it to me.". This tops the time she went through all of my things I had in her garage and stole what she wanted and threw out the rest. My youngest' baby blankets, footprints from the hospital, cap and shirt from the day he was born, and other sentiments GONE. Yet my flower vases, some of my outfits, my electric razor, and other stupid things she proudly displays/uses. But claims they are hers and it never happened. !!!!!!!!!!!

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