Friday, May 21, 2010

The Most Whacktastic Mother-In-Law Stories Ever Part II

OK my god all just keep sending them in...these are so fabulous we can hardly stand it!

Here's Testimony One Through Ten.

Testimony 11:

Okay, I'm going to try to keep this brief, but the bitterness runs so deep...

I have been told, to my face that I'm not family, rather, I'm an "Add-on".

Perfect story: My sister in law was getting married in January. At Christmas I was in the kitchen with my MIL making soup and she started talking about a bridal shower. It took me a minute, but it occurred to me that this shower had already happened. So I said something like, when was that and I would've liked to come and she replied, "Oh, we didn't think you'd be able to make it, besides it was just family."
To my face, she said that to my face. It may not seem like a big deal, but it was very hurtful. There are countless other slights. Probably my "favorite" is not having clean sheets on the bed when we go there to stay (I shit you not, I pulled back the quilt and there was dog hair all over the bed. I bring my own sheets now.).
Is she clueless? I don't think so. Does she just not care? Probably. Is she losing her son because his wife refuses to jump through hoops? Absof*ckinlutely.

A suggestion: Next time one of your little angels has a birthday/baptism/bar mitzvah/or generally monumental rite of passage, remember these words and say them loud and proud, "Oh, yeah, we didn't think we'd want you to make it, it was just MY family." A bonus to that would be to tip your celebratory glass of champagne and walk away.

Testimony 12:

The Thanksgiving when my MIL and FIL stood over me and interrogated me as to when I was going to finish college. In MY house. "You're in this family now, you have to make something of yourself!" Well, schmidt, the only reason I quit college was to marry YOUR SON and we had to MOVE cross country, and I had to establish residency to not have to pay crazy out of state tuition, THEN when I was about to start school again HE got TRANSFERRED to ANOTHER STATE, so DUH!

MIL to me " I can't believe you press his shirts for work. Why don't you just send them to the cleaners?" "We're trying to save money!" Ummm, maybe you could be thankful I don't grab your pencil neck and choke you as I hold this iron to your face! I could just let him go to work looking wrinkled and unkempt. But, see, I love that ape you squeezed out of your uptight birth canal and want him to look nice and feel loved because he sure don't feel it from you, you stiff emotionless beyotch.

"Why don't you hire a housekeeper?" yeah yeah I know my house looks like goats live here! But well it's expensive and your son here doesn't make as much as his lazy arse brother whose wife does have one, so my house is not as fabulously clean as theirs. Suck it fancy!

This is a FIL, but when my daughter was born 2 months preemie with jaundice, he saw her picture and point blank over the phone asked me "Are you sure it's Bob's? It sure is dark." UMMMM...YEAH!!! Haven't you heard of Jaundice? Here I was in the throes of postpartum BAD, no sleep, child in NICU and he has the gall to ask that? And it's not like I was promiscuous, I have been with my hubby since I was 16, he was my first and my only!

Yeah. You...rock...on...with your bad self. And remind me and Lydia to never never piss you're WAY creative with your techniques. Are you Jack Bauer? Will you join the MSA? Because we're pretty sure we'll need an assassin or two...

Testimony 13:

I have so many stories, I don't know where to begin! I'll start with our first x-mas with our twin girls. My out-laws took each daughter in a lap and asked for their son to join them in a picture. As my m-i-l looked up she saw me sitting and looking on, which led her to ask me to join them in her words... "come join us, you ARE the girls mother"

Another favorite of mine is when my husband of two years and I went to his grandfathers funeral. We loved this man, he was like my own grandfather so the funeral was emotional on all of us. When it was time to get in the limo to go to the church my m-i-l stopped me and told me I needed to find my own way to the church b/c there wasn't enough room in the limo for me! Awesome, right??? You are probably wondering where was my husband was during all of this? He was already in the limo and had no clue this happened b/c his mother told him I found my own ride to the church.

It's times like this you're grateful that there's an open dirt pit, a MIL who may not walk in heels that often, and the need for a slow stroll. All you need to do is J-Lo your hip and then peer down at her from six feet above. "Thanks for the ride..." God I'm nasty, aren't I? xo K

Testimony 14:

During the party after my daughter's christening, I came into the kitchen to find my mother-in-law cleaning my stove. Why, you ask? Apparently I had forgotten to clean it while I was making my house look perfect for the throngs of admirers who would invade my house after a simple baptism service. It seemed that my mother-in-law couldn't deal with the dirty stove top (not that we were using the stove, we were grilling - outside) so she decided to clean it. In the MIDDLE of the party! I was mortified. But hey, when she was finished, it was one less thing I had to do for cleanup!

Send her to my house. I can deal with ca-ray-zy bitch as long as she's got her head in my oven...which I may have turned off...or maybe I didn't...

Testimony 15:

Best one is when our sixth child died after he was born, now we knew during the pregnancy this would happen so when we told MIL the prognosis, she told everyone "not to freakin call us" *whatever, I don't need any stinkin friends right now or anything* but the worst was after the funeral and I hadn't talked to her in a few days, and she tells my sis in law it comes...."K---- just doesn't understand what I am going through right now and how hard this is on me".

Enough said.

Seriously, first we have to say how incredibly sorry we are. Truly deeply sorry. Now can I go Square Up and let her take one for the WHOLE nasty MIL team? If there were ever one to need a crushed taco salad, it's her.

Testimony 16:

Shortly after we were married, my MIL drew me aside to advise me on the woman's role in a marriage. "You must nag him," she assured me. "There's no other way." (Of course, I didn't agree.) On a subsequent visit, she drew her son aside to tell him that I was trying to control him and he can't let me do that, he has to be the 'man.' (Are you trying to actively sabotage our marriage???)

She came to "help" after our first child was born. Her idea of helping was to replace the mats and baskets she didn't like, move my potted plants around, and spend the afternoon peeling celery for dinner (I'm serious, she was at this for hours!).

Now, I'm sure my dear husband's mother has her heart in the right place, but when she glares at me for being the only one in the family who didn't catch the current flu bug, tells my three-year old that if she cries people won't love her, and tells me "We love you. We love *whoever* our boys choose," somehow, the "mother" in "mother-in-law" gets a little lost.

Do you actually have to peel celery? She sounds super helpful. Please thank her by sneezing in her face. And, as always, remember you get to pick out her nursing home...choose wisely :-)

Testimony 17:

My mother-in-law is better than most. I admit, I am generally lucky; except when it come to her noticing the size of my ass. As a bit of background, I gained enough weight to have been carrying around a third grader during my first pregnancy. With the second, I managed to keep it to the size of a small preschooler. Toward the end of my second pregnancy, my MIL was commenting on how much "better" I was doing with my weight this time. She went on to say something like this:

"You've been doing so well getting into the gym this time, because last time you just got SOOO BIG!"....stunned silence at the family lunch table......"I mean, you gained so much in your legs...and your behind....."

Thank God for my sister-in-law who yelled, "MOM! STOP!"

She also regularly points out all of the "Fat free" items in her refrigerator whenever we visit.

Kate's Snark Quote #17: "Oh, dear MIL, you're right. My ass DOES need back up warning sounds, and my legs HAVE essentially joined the fraternity of the Redwood Forests...but you know what else? The twins are huge and full and your son can't get enough of them...EV.ER. (wink as husband, then say "again? so soon?? ok!")

Testimony 18:

When I was pregnant with my son, my MIL was asking about any names we were thinking about it. We didn't know at the time we were having a boy, so we were talking about both boy and girl names. When I told her that one of the names we were considering was Nathaniel, MIL said, "Nathaniel?! That's a black person name." Leans in close with deadly look on her face:: "We don't name our children black person names in this family." Yeah, that really happened.

Get the #($% out! Please tell us you named him Nathaniel (or something that would equally irritate your MIL) And then you go square UP and kick her in the ta-- crap, she probably doesn't have a taco, cuz it's Mexican or something...go kick her in the....the....hoagie. YEA. The Hoagie.

Testimony 19:

My husband and I got married this past year. My husband is in the military and has precious little time to go home on visits, and as I lived in a different state than him most of his time away from the Army was spent with me in Missouri rather than in Texas with his family. This is the second marriage for both of us, we went through a lot and did a lot of work just to make sure this was right and just what we both wanted. However, before the big day we thought perhaps we should go to Texas and spend some time with his family before the actual wedding.

So a week after being there my husband takes the girls to the park and leaves me there for some good old fashion bonding with my future MIL and HER mother (GMA). They have me sit in the living room with them and one of the first things out of GMA's mouth is, "So what do you intend to do about your weight problem? What about your children's weight problem? How do you intend to correct and mange that? You do know that they don't like to give military personnel rank if they have fat wives, right?" These were just a few of the absurd statements she made to me. Then the MIL saying things like, "weren't you ever made fun of in school? No? Well you got off easy then, it was hell for me."

All I could do was sit there and pray, "Dear Lord please bring my husband home NOW so I no longer have to listen to this. Lord let me be a blessing to them, please do not let me knock the STUPID out of them right here and now... give me the STRENGTH LORD to keep from ripping her trashy red, chicken fried hair out of her damn HEAD." ... you get the idea... I nodded, was empathetic and sucked it up. Oh and then here's the kicker my MIL says, it's been a good week, but I think it's time for you to leave my house now.

A few weeks later... All during my wedding she sat on the front row texting... TEXTING at MY WEDDING. She talked about herself and my husband's first marriage to my Pastor and his wife a LOT ... my Pastor's wife questioned me about her later... said she'd pray for her ... a LOT... we got back to NC after the wedding and my husband ended up deploying a month earlier - 8 days after we got to NC... his parents flew out 2 days before, and most of that time my husband spent at work, the few hours he had off he was sleeping and packing. The day after he left my in-laws were going to take his car to SC to visit cousins, however our truck broke down so I had to explain to her the situation. She screamed at me, called me a liar, told me her son deployed and because of me she didn't get to spend any time with him at all and it wasn't fair, and blahblahblah. Somehow I managed to keep my cool through all this. Since my husband has been deployed he has sent several emails trying to straighten out his mother's attitude towards US. It's not helped at all.

If he didn't have a daughter in Texas he would have no contact with his parents at all as it just keeps getting worse. Oh and during the whole liar conversation she says, "I never said you had to leave Texas..." so I said where would you have had me go? "There are hotels EVERY WHERE" she says....

So now I'm struggling... my husband comes home in August from Afghanistan (yup because of the 3rd SF group I suffer from Afghanistance), and we want his daughter to be here when he steps off his plane. To do that we may have to have his mother bring her.... which means she'll be staying here at my home... I'm SO struggling with it. His brother is stationed here at Bragg as well - his wife won't allow the dreaded MIL to stay in her house either...


My little piece of advice...after your hubby gets home and all the kisses are delivered and the dinner and the daughter off to bed with sweet daddy stories in her head, you put your bed on the wall CLOSEST to your MILs room and you end that Afghanistence. A LOT. Break down some drywall sister, pop a few nails out of the wall...then say, "oh, there are the way, your hair? I'd love me some KFC since you're up. We're hungry."

Testimony 20:
First of all, we call her Marie like the mom from Everybody Loves Raymond. Nobody can do better than her when it comes to childrearing, cooking, you name it, and everything she says is a thinly veiled insult.

She is pretty much a recluse but when she came to my house for Christmas dinner last year (after being with her son for 5 years), she said "OH. You CAN cook." No, I've been starving your son and that's why he hangs around. He's too weak to leave.

When my daughter was born, when we told her she couldn't smoke around her and would have to at the very least, go into another room, she said her son has psychological issues and he's trying to take his hatred toward her out on her in the form of keeping her granddaughter from her.

After all of this, we had another baby 10.5 months later and he was in the NICU for 6 weeks. She came to see him once, despite living down the street.

Then when we got him home, she was so convinced that I couldn't handle it that she told DH to bring my daughter over to her and leave her there when he was at work. When he said "Not only would I not do that, but if I did, I'd have to pick her up at 1 a.m. and I don't want to wake her up." She told him to just leave her there and she'd raise her because she was convinced that my 13 year old daughter would soon become my 1 year old's mother. 6 months later, guess what? It ain't that damned hard. Maybe because I don't give him formula that I have to prepare like she tried to force me into doing and I don't have to leave the house to get diapers because I use cloth, against her wishes. She told me I'd never be able to handle two in diapers and cloth would be twice as hard because I'd have to wash it. What's harder? Taking a baby out at 11 pm because you forgot to buy diapers and searching for an all-night store, or turning on a washing machine? (Not that I knock others that use disposables, but she acts like I haven't thought this through.)

First, your hubby is a GEM. Second, I keep hearing the song "anything you can do, I can do better...I can do anything better than you..."  And, now you're humming it. You're welcome. As for Marie, good lord we wouldn't leave her in charge of a footstool, much less a child. Any way to make her more reclusive? I hear Afghanistan is lovely this time of year...and they have caves.

And, there's still more to come...Kate's furiously typing away. Stay with us gals...this is just getting better and better...

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