OK my god Gals...you all just keep sending them in...these are so fabulous we can hardly stand it!
Here's Testimony One Through Ten.
Okay, I'm going to try to keep this brief, but the bitterness runs so deep...
I have been told, to my face that I'm not family, rather, I'm an "Add-on".
Perfect story: My sister in law was getting married in January. At Christmas I was in the kitchen with my MIL making soup and she started talking about a bridal shower. It took me a minute, but it occurred to me that this shower had already happened. So I said something like, when was that and I would've liked to come and she replied, "Oh, we didn't think you'd be able to make it, besides it was just family."
Is she clueless? I don't think so. Does she just not care? Probably. Is she losing her son because his wife refuses to jump through hoops? Absof*ckinlutely.
A suggestion: Next time one of your little angels has a birthday/baptism/bar mitzvah/or generally monumental rite of passage, remember these words and say them loud and proud, "Oh, yeah, we didn't think we'd want you to make it, it was just MY family." A bonus to that would be to tip your celebratory glass of champagne and walk away.
The Thanksgiving when my MIL and FIL stood over me and interrogated me as to when I was going to finish college. In MY house. "You're in this family now, you have to make something of yourself!" Well, schmidt, the only reason I quit college was to marry YOUR SON and we had to MOVE cross country, and I had to establish residency to not have to pay crazy out of state tuition, THEN when I was about to start school again HE got TRANSFERRED to ANOTHER STATE, so DUH!
Yeah. You...rock...on...with your bad self. And remind me and Lydia to never never piss you off...you're WAY creative with your techniques. Are you Jack Bauer? Will you join the MSA? Because we're pretty sure we'll need an assassin or two...
I have so many stories, I don't know where to begin! I'll start with our first x-mas with our twin girls. My out-laws took each daughter in a lap and asked for their son to join them in a picture. As my m-i-l looked up she saw me sitting and looking on, which led her to ask me to join them in her words... "come join us, you ARE the girls mother"
Another favorite of mine is when my husband of two years and I went to his grandfathers funeral. We loved this man, he was like my own grandfather so the funeral was emotional on all of us. When it was time to get in the limo to go to the church my m-i-l stopped me and told me I needed to find my own way to the church b/c there wasn't enough room in the limo for me! Awesome, right??? You are probably wondering where was my husband was during all of this? He was already in the limo and had no clue this happened b/c his mother told him I found my own ride to the church.
It's times like this you're grateful that there's an open dirt pit, a MIL who may not walk in heels that often, and the need for a slow stroll. All you need to do is J-Lo your hip and then peer down at her from six feet above. "Thanks for the ride..." God I'm nasty, aren't I? xo K
During the party after my daughter's christening, I came into the kitchen to find my mother-in-law cleaning my stove. Why, you ask? Apparently I had forgotten to clean it while I was making my house look perfect for the throngs of admirers who would invade my house after a simple baptism service. It seemed that my mother-in-law couldn't deal with the dirty stove top (not that we were using the stove, we were grilling - outside) so she decided to clean it. In the MIDDLE of the party! I was mortified. But hey, when she was finished, it was one less thing I had to do for cleanup!
Send her to my house. I can deal with ca-ray-zy bitch as long as she's got her head in my oven...which I may have turned off...or maybe I didn't...
Best one is when our sixth child died after he was born, now we knew during the pregnancy this would happen so when we told MIL the prognosis, she told everyone "not to freakin call us" *whatever, I don't need any stinkin friends right now or anything* but the worst was after the funeral and I hadn't talked to her in a few days, and she tells my sis in law that...here it comes...."K---- just doesn't understand what I am going through right now and how hard this is on me".
Seriously, first we have to say how incredibly sorry we are. Truly deeply sorry. Now can I go Square Up and let her take one for the WHOLE nasty MIL team? If there were ever one to need a crushed taco salad, it's her.
Shortly after we were married, my MIL drew me aside to advise me on the woman's role in a marriage. "You must nag him," she assured me. "There's no other way." (Of course, I didn't agree.) On a subsequent visit, she drew her son aside to tell him that I was trying to control him and he can't let me do that, he has to be the 'man.' (Are you trying to actively sabotage our marriage???)
Now, I'm sure my dear husband's mother has her heart in the right place, but when she glares at me for being the only one in the family who didn't catch the current flu bug, tells my three-year old that if she cries people won't love her, and tells me "We love you. We love *whoever* our boys choose," somehow, the "mother" in "mother-in-law" gets a little lost.
Do you actually have to peel celery? She sounds super helpful. Please thank her by sneezing in her face. And, as always, remember you get to pick out her nursing home...choose wisely :-)
My mother-in-law is better than most. I admit, I am generally lucky; except when it come to her noticing the size of my ass. As a bit of background, I gained enough weight to have been carrying around a third grader during my first pregnancy. With the second, I managed to keep it to the size of a small preschooler. Toward the end of my second pregnancy, my MIL was commenting on how much "better" I was doing with my weight this time. She went on to say something like this:
Thank God for my sister-in-law who yelled, "MOM! STOP!"
She also regularly points out all of the "Fat free" items in her refrigerator whenever we visit.
Get the #($% out! Please tell us you named him Nathaniel (or something that would equally irritate your MIL) And then you go square UP and kick her in the ta-- crap, she probably doesn't have a taco, cuz it's Mexican or something...go kick her in the....the....hoagie. YEA. The Hoagie.
My husband and I got married this past year. My husband is in the military and has precious little time to go home on visits, and as I lived in a different state than him most of his time away from the Army was spent with me in Missouri rather than in Texas with his family. This is the second marriage for both of us, we went through a lot and did a lot of work just to make sure this was right and just what we both wanted. However, before the big day we thought perhaps we should go to Texas and spend some time with his family before the actual wedding.
So a week after being there my husband takes the girls to the park and leaves me there for some good old fashion bonding with my future MIL and HER mother (GMA). They have me sit in the living room with them and one of the first things out of GMA's mouth is, "So what do you intend to do about your weight problem? What about your children's weight problem? How do you intend to correct and mange that? You do know that they don't like to give military personnel rank if they have fat wives, right?" These were just a few of the absurd statements she made to me. Then the MIL saying things like, "weren't you ever made fun of in school? No? Well you got off easy then, it was hell for me."
All I could do was sit there and pray, "Dear Lord please bring my husband home NOW so I no longer have to listen to this. Lord let me be a blessing to them, please do not let me knock the STUPID out of them right here and now... give me the STRENGTH LORD to keep from ripping her trashy red, chicken fried hair out of her damn HEAD." ... you get the idea... I nodded, was empathetic and sucked it up. Oh and then here's the kicker my MIL says, it's been a good week, but I think it's time for you to leave my house now.
A few weeks later... All during my wedding she sat on the front row texting... TEXTING at MY WEDDING. She talked about herself and my husband's first marriage to my Pastor and his wife a LOT ... my Pastor's wife questioned me about her later... said she'd pray for her ... a LOT... we got back to NC after the wedding and my husband ended up deploying a month earlier - 8 days after we got to NC... his parents flew out 2 days before, and most of that time my husband spent at work, the few hours he had off he was sleeping and packing. The day after he left my in-laws were going to take his car to SC to visit cousins, however our truck broke down so I had to explain to her the situation. She screamed at me, called me a liar, told me her son deployed and because of me she didn't get to spend any time with him at all and it wasn't fair, and blahblahblah. Somehow I managed to keep my cool through all this. Since my husband has been deployed he has sent several emails trying to straighten out his mother's attitude towards US. It's not helped at all.
If he didn't have a daughter in Texas he would have no contact with his parents at all as it just keeps getting worse. Oh and during the whole liar conversation she says, "I never said you had to leave Texas..." so I said where would you have had me go? "There are hotels EVERY WHERE" she says....
So now I'm struggling... my husband comes home in August from Afghanistan (yup because of the 3rd SF group I suffer from Afghanistance), and we want his daughter to be here when he steps off his plane. To do that we may have to have his mother bring her.... which means she'll be staying here at my home... I'm SO struggling with it. His brother is stationed here at Bragg as well - his wife won't allow the dreaded MIL to stay in her house either...
Can ANY ONE BEAT THIS STORY? LOL
My little piece of advice...after your hubby gets home and all the kisses are delivered and the dinner and the daughter off to bed with sweet daddy stories in her head, you put your bed on the wall CLOSEST to your MILs room and you end that Afghanistence. A LOT. Break down some drywall sister, pop a few nails out of the wall...then say, "oh, there are Hotels...by the way, your hair? I'd love me some KFC since you're up. We're hungry."
First of all, we call her Marie like the mom from Everybody Loves Raymond. Nobody can do better than her when it comes to childrearing, cooking, you name it, and everything she says is a thinly veiled insult.
She is pretty much a recluse but when she came to my house for Christmas dinner last year (after being with her son for 5 years), she said "OH. You CAN cook." No, I've been starving your son and that's why he hangs around. He's too weak to leave.
When my daughter was born, when we told her she couldn't smoke around her and would have to at the very least, go into another room, she said her son has psychological issues and he's trying to take his hatred toward her out on her in the form of keeping her granddaughter from her.
After all of this, we had another baby 10.5 months later and he was in the NICU for 6 weeks. She came to see him once, despite living down the street.
First, your hubby is a GEM. Second, I keep hearing the song "anything you can do, I can do better...I can do anything better than you..." And, now you're humming it. You're welcome. As for Marie, good lord we wouldn't leave her in charge of a footstool, much less a child. Any way to make her more reclusive? I hear Afghanistan is lovely this time of year...and they have caves.
And, there's still more to come...Kate's furiously typing away. Stay with us gals...this is just getting better and better...
Subscribe in a reader
I am a Girl Scout leader. The following is a transcript of a recent troop meeting. [I t is also satire and completely made up.] ...
Whole30 Day 0: Later this week, I'm starting a diet/nutrition/sadness program called Whole30 . Where you eat nothing but strict Pa...
Last Friday, roughly 25% of the second grade at my kids' school was sent home with a nasty stomach bug that had kids puking in buckets...
I recently listened to a podcast about space junk , the man-made debris floating around in Earth’s orbit. It discussed how one Cold War-e...
Guru Louise and I asked you about what most teachers really want for end of the year gifts. We got hundreds of answers on Facebook , Tw...
So last summer, my youngest daughter (age 5) began seeing previews for a new Dora show called Dora and Friends: Into the City! Gone was th...
When I got the email with this guest post in it, I was very happy because I know a bunch of moms with ADD or ADHD - and you know what? ...
I sometimes think I'm the only one who wonders about bizarro things like if the Blue Wiggle is hot in real life* or what the hell happen...
Hi friends! Hi and waving! Julie here. Trying to wrap my head around doing this Whole 30 thing when I'm not sure I even want to. My ol...
We’ve had a lot of people ask us to write a post about the seemingly innocent topic of the Mother-in-Law. Seriously, people? Are you kidding...