Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Most Whacktastic Mother-in-Law Stories Ever VI

Just when you thought it there was no more vitriolic MIL rants to be had, there's more.  This is Part Six, the wrap-up and finale.  (If you missed the beginning there's parts 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5Go knock yourself out.) 

Here's some highlights!

Testimony 60
When they came to "help" after our daughter was born, I had to lock the bedroom door when I went into nurse/rest/pee because she would just walk in without knocking. The best was when I was in there with the baby, the phone rang, I ignored it, she answered it, it was for my husband, she walked right into the bedroom to give it to him because she thought that he was in our bathroom. She thought that her 40 year old son was taking a shit and was going to bring the phone to him????

She obviously sees the value of multi-tasking.  Taking a dump + talking on the phone = 2 important tasks conducted simultaneously = excellent multi-tasking.  What's your problem?  She was just trying to improve your efficiency.

Testimony 61
The cat!! It's a filthy thing that spends most of it's time outside and tends to hiss at and scratch people. I learned last summer that it has never had shots (it's at least 14 years old). She got mad at me, and badmouthed me at every chance, because I got upset and let it be know that my kid would not be anywhere near it. Do you know how many shots she'd have to get it she got scratched?? 1 tetnus, 1 rabies shot IN the wound and then 4 more. The best part of this one is that the groomer wouldn't touch the disgusting rat until she had shots, so she got them!!

Come pet the nice kitty!  It just brushed its teeth.  That's toothpaste, not rabid foam!  Stop over-reacting...

Testimony 62
Every time she comes things go missing. It's this concept of, it's her son she rules OUR house as well. And, takes what she pleases. She took my wedding dress (that she gave me for our Hindu wedding) took it back to India that is. I still have diamonds that are MIA.

Oh, and she lost her noodles when I was nursing the baby when she came to *help* when my second came along. Help by sitting in front of the tv all day long. That's all they did. They stayed for six long grueling months. She whined nonstop about how I was hogging the baby. Always feeding him. Always comforting him. She had no time with the baby, the baby was mine and mine only. DUH. She'd get snarky and say, it's R's baby. Don't touch it, it's R's baby.

The ultimate kicker, we support them monitarliy $250 a month. They are so greedy she's taken to threatening dh when he doesn't pay. Her money antics have lead us to pay two years in advance. I swear all they want is the money. She said she'd rather have the $$$ for our plane tickets to visit rather than seeing dh, me or the kids.

I'd be like: "I would let you hold my baby but I'm scared you might try and sell him BECAUSE YOU LOVE MONEY SO MUCH, you stupid whore."

Testimony 63
My husband and I had our first child before we were married. While making plans and all the parents not agreeing on things, we decided to go away to get married. We were going to go to Sandals, but I ended up calling all the parents and asking for a little bit of help as a wedding present and my MIL and FIL offered to pay for our wedding completely if we got married on a cruise ship. That sounded great!

This is where my MIL's plan kicked into effect. The stipulation: They got to come on the cruise with us and not watch our daughter like they said they would. She was going to pawn her off on her other family members that I didn't even know so that they could come. I said it was either all the parents at our wedding or no parents, so 3 weeks before we were set to go, they refused to give us any money and said we owed them $400 for the airline tickets because they weren't able to be reimbursed. We said we would give them the money and that we wanted the tickets because we were going to pay for things ourselves. Here they never bought the tickets, she was trying to con us out of money!!! Thankfully, my parents gave us more money and watched our daughter for us and we were able to go and enjoy our wedding - Mother in law free!!

So your in-laws are grifters?  Professionally?  Or just as a hobby?  That's actually pretty cool.  Do they play three card monte on street corners?

Testimony 64
I think the thing that I have the most trouble getting past, though, is her behavior during the time my mother was sick with cancer and eventually died. During that time, I was pregnant and gave birth to our daughter, and DD was 8 months old when my mom died. Did MIL offer to come help, as my mother had with my older son, when my daughter was born and my mom was too sick to help? I assure you she did not. She was very sorry, but she just couldn't stand to be in our city. You know what I couldn't stand? Seeing my mother die. Having to explain it to my heartbroken son. Having to mother two children while in the throes of grief. But you know what? I did it, because I'm a mother. And sometimes that means putting yourself out for people you claim to love.

She was really sorry, huh?  She sounds SORRY. 

Testimony 65
When our first child was born we made a trip across country to visit them and introduce their new grandchild (baby was only 6 weeks old). MIL is crazy arse religious. The kind of religious that you see on Springer. The kind you see/hear and mask your horror about how freakin' nutso they are. The kind that go to revivals, believe in spirits and casting out the devil. Pretty special folk.

MIL was in our guest room while I was privately breast feeding because I could not do that anywhere in their home. I was constantly running up stairs to a lonely, small room because even breast feeding, modestly couldn't be done around them. My MIL comes in carrying varying weird memorabilia from my husband's childhood days and begins to tell a painful story of each one. The next thing I know she starts hysterically crying about how wrong she was for abusing my husband and his siblings for years all in the name of Jesus Christ?!?! WTF?

Explained how maybe the beatings could have been less, and the locking them in rooms tethered to chairs telling them they were abandoned wasn't the best. The blood drained completely out of my face and I seriously thought I was going to pass out or knock the absolute schmidt out of her.  The end all was when she said they had redeemed themselves in the eyes of the Lord but not committing family suicide as they had strongly felt the children were better off with God. I told her thanks for sharing and that she would never have the privilege of ever being alone for a nano second with any of my children. I refuse to ever be in the same room with her and have NEVER EVER let her be alone with me children.

Holy crap.  Are you sure you're not drunk and recounting the plot of a horror movie or something?  Because I just got chills.  I haven't been this scared since I read this book in seventh grade.  Wait...

Testimony 66
How about the ex-MIL who sues you for custody of your daughter after her son (the father) legally terminates his parental rights when she’s 9 years old. Yup, one weekend a month and one week every summer she has to spend with the grandparents, where they talk about her “sperm donor” I mean biological father, the entire time. And she tells me I’m the bad parent! Yeah, like I’d take parenting advice from her.

"You are such a bad mommy!  I mean you had a baby with a sperm donor, you dirty slut!  Oh right, he's my son.  Schmidt."

Testimony 67
So when they came to stay with us, we were pretty busy with work and our schedules and since my husband works until late, it left me alone with his parents for a few hours each evening. The first night they were with us, I made a homemade dinner for them and they ate it. Never said it was good. Never said thank you. Never helped clean up. Whatever.

Second day, since I am a bus rider, I had to walk during my lunch break to buy groceries and haul these heavy bags back to work, and then home on the bus, since I hadn’t been planning on their visit and had nothing to make them for dinner. Went home from work, asked if they already ate, they said no and they weren’t hungry. So I made dinner (from scratch again) and just made a large portion figuring my husband and I would have lunch for the rest of the week. When dinner was ready they were hanging around the kitchen like hungry vultures. I asked if they wanted any. They said maybe they would eat a little. Not kidding, they both ate FOUR HELPINGS, so there were not any leftovers for my husband. Didn’t say it was good. Didn’t say thank you. Didn’t help clean up. Again, whatever.

The next night, I came in and MIL was waiting for me at the door and said FIL had been slaving away on dinner, he wanted to be nice and surprise me. Ok great. I looked, and he was reheating a Costco premade take home meal of Salisbury Steak and mashed potatoes. So, yeah, totally slaving away. I will mention it was a serving size, probably for two, and I'm sure FIL could eat it by himself, no problem. In fact, that's probably what he bought it for. And they wanted the three adults to eat it, and my daughter, and have leftovers for when my husband got home. Once everything had been reheated in the microwave, he put all the food on the table, and we sat down to eat. I ate the most ridiculous small portion, because there just wasn't enough for everyone. MIL asked me 15 times if I liked it. I told her it was delicious and thanked them for the meal and said it was nice to come home from work to a hot dinner. After dinner, they both left the kitchen and I cleaned up. MIL came in while I was washing the dishes and said “you know, FIL really worked hard to make that meal for you, he wanted to do something nice”. I said thank you again and it was really nice. As I was taking my daughter upstairs to put her to bed, MIL approached me again and said “you know, FIL really went through a lot of trouble to make that meal for you,” I gave her an “are you crazy?” look because I thought for sure she was kidding, but thanked them again and said it was a delicious dinner and so nice to come home to a hot meal. I put my daughter to bed, went to my room to get changed, and as I’m dressing, THERE IS A KNOCK ON MY BEDROOM DOOR. Seriously! MIL. Waiting. “You know, FIL worked really, really hard to make you that meal. He really wanted to do something nice for you.”

OMG, get these people out of my house!

Maybe if you weren't so ungrateful you would have appreciated that frozen salisbury steak a little more and the fact that your father in law had to miss almost seven minutes of The Wheel of Fortune in order to make it for you.  I think you owe them *both* an apology.

Testimony 68
My FIL's new wife is a unique case. She is very sweet, but she steals things. Whenever she would come to our house strange, random things would disappear. Once she took my birthday calendar off the wall and she would sneak my magazines into her enormous handbag. She took books from SIL's house and my SIL actually saw her take an item from a museum display! If FIL knew, he didn't let on. One Christmas though I asked for an attachment for my Kitchenaid mixer from said in-laws. It came with an instruction book with recipes. I came down the stairs to see S-MIL holding it and quickly slipping it behind her leg when she saw me. After they left I checked the box and sure enough the instructions were gone. That time we did mention to FIL that it was missing. He got us a replacement and I think realized that we knew his wife was a clepto. Since then the thievery has stopped!

Why don't you prank her?  Put Nair in a shampoo bottle and leave it out for her to steal.  That would be so cool. 
Testimony 69
I totally empathize with the other DIL of a German mother in law.... my very old-country Bavarian MIL bakes huge, humongous cream-filled-chocolate covered-candied almond encrusted tortes EVERY weekend - she tears up and acts all rejected if everyone doesn't take a piece that's at least 3 inches thick - and then comments on how much weight I've gained - and laments how good I used to look when I first started dating her son.. I was so slim then... I looked so good in clothes... how I have let myself go.... gah. 

The worst was the time 3 months after I lost a pregnancy at 11 weeks - and this is a quote " You are looking so fat now. You look preg-a-nant - are you ?? oh, no, that's right you're too old to give my son a family" Thanks Mama. Hubby straightened her out and .... guess what ... I got a whole "apology cake" to myself. Maybe I should look up the German words for 'clueless' and/or 'vicious sarcasm'? She has since been really nice to me ... but has a definite problem with my close friend who's a vegetarian.... she calls her a Vegetable ...TO HER FACE ... at first I tried to smooth this over as a language issue, but it's not - it continues despite gentle grammar corrections from both my (now) husband and HER husband... she asked before my wedding shower " will the vegetable be there? "

Will the vegetable be there - - snort. Does anyone else think that's awesome?

Gah! Why does everything German have to have something to do with Cake, Beer or Pig parts??? Ok - the beer can stay - I could use more of that.

More beer is often the answer.

Testimony 70
About the time we decided to get married, we also found out we were pregnant. I hadn't met his family yet (I'm pretty sure he wanted me to fall deeply, madly in love with him first) so our first formal meeting was to announce we were engaged and expecting.

It didn't go fabulously, as you might expect - especially when we told her we were getting hitchedt he next week.  Anyway- fast forward to my 28th week of pregnancy. She is still harboring resentment about how "it all went down, and how her son was ruined". I ended up in the hospital with some crazy complications, and on some pretty risky drugs in order to save our lives. She tells me "you reap what you sow". As in, having sex before marriage means I deserve life threatening complications for me and my baby.  This phrase was repeated on many occasions until my husband threatened to sever contact if she ever said something so horrible about his family again.

You can tell her the same thing when you square up and send to her to Mars on a foot rocket.  Anyone who would say that is a c-bag.

Testimony 71
After we’d been married about a year my MIL moved to our town to be closer to her only son and grandson. She lived with us while her house sold in Texas. My son was in daycare at the time and I popped over to the daycare one day to check on him and caught the daycare lady yelling at my three-year-old son and throwing things around the room because he didn’t care for the vegetable she served at lunch. I immediately pulled him out. My MIL is living in my home and working out of my home, she telecommutes.  School was out for the Summer and I’d had a heck of a time with daycares (thus the surprise visit) and I decided to hire my teenage cousin to babysit during the day at my home. My MIL threw a RAGING fit railing for two hours about how inconvenienced she was going to be by this whole situation and how dare I be so thoughtless toward her. I told her very clearly that it was MY house and I’d do what I wanted in it, and also my cousin was cheaper than the local daycare facilities, it was short term and she should just deal with it.  She got her first taste of my rather nasty temper and shut up, but every single night when I came home she’d complain about something my cousin and my son had done that day to disrupt her work.

When my son was young he was VERY sickly. For two years he was in and out of the hospital. He had RSV three times and rotavirus twice and when he’d get sick two things would happen. One it would shut down his lungs and two he would stop taking any form of nourishment. So he’d end up in the hospital for IV fluids and breathing treatments. Every time he was in the hospital I stayed in the hospital with him. I didn’t leave his side, I slept on a cot in his room and needless to say it was exhausting. Every single time she would call me crying about how horrible it was for HER that MY son was sick and how bad she felt about it. Instead of snuggling my very ill son I was supposed to sit with her on the phone and comfort her. If I didn’t I would start getting phone calls from the rest of my husband’s crazy family telling me how horrible I was to discount how my MIL was feeling and what she was going through.

Oh my GAWD.  What is it with these women thinking everything is about THEM?  I'd be like: "Snitch, it WILL be about you because I will go upside your head if you are ever stupid enough to pull this crap again while my child is sick in the hospital.  The only thing that's stopping me now is the fear that once I start slapping, I might not be able to stop."
 Testimony 72
MIL asked if she could be present for our 20 week prenatal appointment. (You know, the good one: boy or girl?) While I was not against this (because other than the first two examples, the whacktasticness didn't really manifest until that pink line showed up on the pee stick) our OB was in temporary offices at the time and the ultrasound machine was tucked into what amounted to little more than a broom closet and there was only room for one spectator. I told MIL expecting disappointment but she seemed fine. Turns out she thought that the one spectator was going to be her, and that hubby was going to sit in the waiting room while she stole his first glimpse of his son. When we gently informed her of the reality she ranted and wailed about how could we do this to her? It's her first grandbaby so she has a right to be there, don't we realize how special this moment is and what right have we to deny her and blahblahblah. Why yes, crazy lady, we do realize how special it is because oh, that's right, it's our first baby and as the father we feel that your son has more of a right to be there than you do. Did we mention that you're crazy?

She did the name thing too. She wanted Benjamin. Plus she hated the middle name we picked out (Jamie) and said, and I quote: "It's an awful name for a boy, or for anyone really. It's just not a very good name in general, it sounds like a farmer or a laborer or just someone uneducated". Did I mention we decided to name him after my sister, who was murdered, and that she knew this?
When my son was just 5 months old she screamed at him, at the top of her lungs, for crying because he was hungry. Said he was ungrateful for not wanting to be held by his "dear grandma", who barely gets to see him and only wants to love him. Then she told me that I was purposely turning him into a mama's boy just so he would choose me over her. Apparently I was doing this by "being overprotective" (getting upset with her for yelling at an infant), and by not letting other people feed him (he was breastfed) so they'd have a fair chance to bond with him.
When the boy was eight months old she wanted to use bungee cords to strap his carseat to the back of an ATV 4-wheeler, off-road thingie. Got upset when I said no and accused me of being overprotective again and even if he bounced around a little it would just help to strengthen his neck muscles. She's full of this kind of sage parenting advice.

I can not believe anyone in their right mind would suggest something like that.  Why not strap him to the ATV, bounce him into the forest and then use him to bait bear?  That would help strengthen his neck muscles and teach him to run really fast.

And with that...  We're done!  Thank you so much for sending in all your stories and for cementing Mommyland as the capitol of Dysfunction Junction. 

xo, Kate and Lydia

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