Friday, May 21, 2010

The Most Whacktastic Mother-In-Law Stories Ever Part V


Lydia and Kate think if there is one night of any night when you ALL need to tap a t-box, pop a cork, fwish open a beer or hell, drink the vodka right from the bottle, it is TONIGHT!
We, the Supreme Chancellor and Allied Commander of MommyLand -- you think that's a joke, but we seriously gave ourselves thoses titles when we formed our company (guess who's who??) -- have declared today, May 21, 2010, to be the BMIL from Hell Rant Day. Well done Mommies. You've done our land proud.

And, while you listen to the Barry White in your head and watch the fireworks that erupt from your kids playing with the stove, raise your...drinks...and thank Maude that maybe, just maybe, you didn't have the worst story here...or here...or here...or, HERE... 

And if you did, the Supreme Chancellor and Allied Commander are on their way. We're on a freakin' mission, remember?

xoxo Kate & Lydia

Testimony 41:

Briefly, my MIL moved in with us before we were married for two years. She is a PITA and was all about telling me how to be the wife and trying to show me. Then I became pregnant with triplets. She didn't do a damn thing when they were in the ICN or when they first came home. She had no respect for their needs, their feeding times, their sleep, etc...

It hit a head after about five months. I was "yelled" at again by my husband for something she had passed along to him. Untrue, of course, she ended up grabbing my face and yelling in it how much she hated me, while I was holding one of my 19 week old, premature, daughters. Then proceeded to call me a whore, a sneak, a liar, a sponge off my husband, and a cheat. Continued to yell how I must be having an affair. Well, since I was the only one caring for the children at that time and I was still recovering from problems with my C-Section, I didn't have time for a man on the side or to "get a job."

Good Lord. We're hoping your grabbed your precious little people and ran like hell. Or, you used their nap time for target practice. Nothing like a big open mouth to aim at, huh? Next time she wants to "show you something" make sure you have her do it in traffic. We suggest rush hour might be handy. We can hear your daughters now..."Nana yell...Nana go squish..." and then clap like monkeys with cymbals.

Testimony 42:

My DH's mom is lovely, and we have absolutely no issues with her. However, his father's second wife is another story. Here's the tale of my first meeting with my future step-MIL. There are many more, but this kinda sets the tone for our whole relationship.

The boyfriend (now DH) and I had been living together for a year, were both in our mid-20's, professional, university grads, making a good living, etc. His father decided to invite the new girlfriend to move in with him, and shipped her and her 3 young kids across the country, making a stop to introduce her to his own grown children. Within 5 minutes of walking in the door (I hadn't even gotten her name yet) she rummaged around in her purse and THREW(!!) a box of condoms at us, saying "Here, I don't want any grandkids". There were so many things running through my head I couldn't get any of them out! It went something along the lines of "'Scuse me? I just met you lady, you're not ANY sort of relation to us (yet-ugh), you're only 6 years older than me and I can take care of my own damn birth control!" I was completely embarassed and appalled. My BF carefully removed me from the room before I totally lost my schmidt and force fed her prophylactics.

Fast forward several years, we were married and had just had our first child. She was all over us now, won't leave us alone, constantly going on about "her" baby (ie. MY baby) and how she's bought all the essentials so we can leave baby at her place (translation: show the baby off to all her friends as some sort of accomplishment of hers??). She lives over a 4 hour drive away, and no way was I going to leave my breastfed newborn baby at her house. Good grief!

Wow. She is a peach. She sounds like a one woman version of Annie. I mean, it's lie 99%  Miss Hannigan what with the dragging sullen children behind her, and I realize I'm mostly imagining Rooster, but seriously, it's not that hard. The point IS- you know you were totally singing about the sun coming out tomorrow when you found out JUST HOW MANY MILES are between you and that whacky snitch.

Testimony 43:

There are sooo many...

1. Threatening to disown her son (my soon to be DH) if I didn't sign a prenuptial because otherwise I could "steal all the family money". Threatening occured 12 days prior to wedding. Obviously no prenup was signed, and she didn't follow thru with threat, but replaced it with another of "I will not be at the wedding." Of course at the last minute she came.

But you hoped, didn't of those rare times you hope for a train wreck. Or boils. Or the plague. Or even just a good ol' fashion broken hip. Damn.

2. Spent most of the wedding planning bemoaning the fact that we weren't having it in a church, that it was outside ("you can't expect my friends to sit in the sun") and that it was going to be "trashy" (was a $23k wedding photographer!

EEEEEEEE! I totally had a trashy outside was. awesome. - Kate

3. Flipped out on the morning of the wedding during photo taking because the photographer (also my aunt) kept calling her "Sharon" instead of "the mother of the groom". Started screaming at everyone, driving all 3 of her children away which resulted in no pictures of her and her 3 children. Which later became both the photographer's fault and my fault for using an "amatuer."

"Satan? I mean, wanna bring your tail and horns and STFU? Super."

4. When told I was pregnant with my first child, and asked not to tell anyone until I was ready to share, she told everyone at the family Thanksgiving THE NEXT DAY!! When I expressed my disapproval she acted like she didn't understand because "they're all going to find out eventually". I hadn't even told my own parents yet, but estranged Uncle David already knew.

Offer to tell stories of the conception if she can't keep her yap shut. That usually works...

5. Insisted on shopping for the crib with me, was mortified that it was black ("black is not appropriate for a baby") and that the sides didn't go down. Insisted on buying a baptism outfit even though we had told her multiple times we were not raising him Catholic and thus he would not be baptized.

6. At my shower brought enough gifts to make just about everyone gawk, and made a big deal when opened all 27 of them...and then asked, in front of everyone, "didn't your mother get you anything?"

"Yes, THANK YOU...she did. She taught me that Squaring Up on your MIL is something that the guests happily do for the Mother-To-Be. It's the latest baby game...oh, and she brought the weaponry. Super useful for this game...Ladies..."

7. Showed up at the hospital even after being told she was NOT to come. Thankfully didn't make it to the delivery room. I was in the hospital for 5 days with baby b/c he was early and severely jaundiced. He had to spend all time he wasn't nursing in the nursery under the lights. Despite the fact that we kept telling her to call, she would randomly show up and then be pissed that she couldn't see him or hold him. She would return each evening (with frineds!!!!) and invade my room, continuously shoving a binky into baby's mouth (though I asked her about 5 times NOT to) and staying for at least 2 hours. finally on the 3rd night I had the nurses put a sign on my door "NO VISITORS".

I'm feeling the need for a restraining order...or a tank. Possibly both.

8. Refuses to be around my son without having a television on because "he likes it". Even though we seriously limit tv (mainly b/c son thinks its crack and when the tv goes off, he goes we rarely put it on.) I think its really weird that she doesn't want to play with him, take him outside, read to him...but she insists he doesn't like that stuff b/c "he likes tv". Pretty much starts every visit with some sort of critism to me "Why isn't he wearing a hat?" or "His nose is running! He should be home in bed!" or "OMG HOLD HIS HAND HE MIGHT FALL" (said child is almost 3 and she still thinks anytime he is doing anything more than standing on carpet he needs assistance. Said child is, at this very moment, catapulting off the back of the couch!)at a posh mountain resort that we funded was LOVELY!!) In her mind having a DJ and a buffet instead of a 5 course meal was trashy.

"Hi MIL. Your grandson is catapulting off the sofa, not watching TV, and spitting at a picture of you. All in all, it's been his best. day. ever. Oh, and he's naked. Except for a hat. Wanna picture?"

9. When he was a baby refused to "babysit" unless we brought him to her...which was ridiculous, since she had nothing for him and we would have to pick him up and wake him up to bring him home. And would then get offended when we found other babysitters and say things like "Well if your driveway wasn't so long I'd consider it". Okay, we'll just up and move to a house with a shorter driveway so you can babysit once a month?
10. And the latest: emailed me to insist I accompany her to a wedding for people I do not know. Say she asked DH, but he said no. basically the email stated it would look very bad if she didn't go and since she's a widow I should accompany her out of respect. I respectfully declined, stating the DH was working that weekend and I didn't have a sitter, etc etc. She told me she was "very disapointed" in me. Because I don't want to give up a Saturday in June, scramble to find a sitter, and spend the afternoon with her at a wedding 2 hours away of PEOPLE I DO NOT KNOW???????? I must be the worst DIL ever:)

Six words: Click Delete. Feign Ignorance. Open Wine.


Testimony 44:

My MIL has no concept that her words/actions affect other people. She had moved in w/ a friend (this is a pattern, she moves CONSTANTLY) and then decided she didn't like living w/ a raging drunk - it was sooo hard not to say "I told you so." So she came and stayed w/ us for 3 weeks while deciding where to go next. She brought w/ her everything she owned, which my husband and cousin moved for her, and her giant shedding dog. Belongings were deposited on the front porch where she proeeded to hold a week-long yard sale. My neighbors were thrilled. Now, we have 3 kids and a 3 bedroom house. My oldest daughter (7 at the time) essentially gave up her room to this woman. One day while I was gone, my daughter apparently wanted to play in her room and was basically kicked out by MIL. Daughter cried to husband, which prompted MIL to tell daughter she was a brat and husband that we had spoiled her. Husband wisely chose NOT to tell me about this until MIL had moved on. This is just the last in a long, long string of selfish, self-absorbed behaviors that have led to her being banned from staying at our home ever again. Oh, and when she left, she didn't take the dog...

You got rid of the bitch, but kept the dog? I'd totally call that win/win. If nothing else, you can train dog to attack when he hears the words Mother In Law. That would be SO awesome. In fact, it would be *theatrical*

Fido! Mother In Law!
Get 'er boy!
Launches self at horrified former owner.
Children applaud.
Curtain drops.
Thunderous applause.

Thank you. Just hand me the Tony now. I'd like to thank everyone who lost. Suck It.

Testimony 45:

My MIL had my husband young, and uses that as an excuse for all kinds of bad behavior. She will tearfully say, "I did the best I could for being a young, single mom." as if we should be blamed for calling her on it. After years of her saying horrible things and disrespecting him and the boundaries we tried to put in place, my husband wanted no more to do with her. I objected, saying she's family and she loves our kids. This story is the reason I changed my mind:

MIL was over on a very hot, summer day. My twin girls were just over one-year-old and, after playing in the backyard for a while they wanted to get in the kiddie pool. I stripped them down, got them some bananas and then went inside to get drinks for the adults. When I came back out my MIL was laughing histerically. I asked what was so funny. She said that one of the girls was laughing and licking her banana while she played naked in the pool and she had gotten video of it. I thought that was bad, but then my MIL laughs again and said, "This will be great, I'm going to play it at her wedding." I said, "NO. YOU. WON'T." and went inside because there was no way I could calmly explain how sexualizing my toddler and then planning to humiliate her with that in the future wasn't funny.

Some days, there just ain't enough stupid in the world. I suppose I just didn't realize all the world's stupidity actually resided within just ONE person. Turns out, it does. Freakin' unbelievable.
By the way, did they ever get that camera out of her lower intenstine? They didn't? Gooooood.    

Testimony 46:

I could write an epic novel on how crazy she is. I've actually set up a Twitter account so I can release these experiences into the wild as a form of therapy. You can follow me, and my crazy MIL @myMILissocrazy.

The first time I met MIL was at her MIL's memorial. MIL told me, in excruciating detail, how I could be a financially successful single mother and not have to work. It's like a ponzi scheme for sluts.

Basically, you need mutiple baby daddies who all have six figure incomes. You take your 28% from each one and after four children, you're bringing in at least $120k a year based on your sluttiness ALONE. Under no circumstances should two or more of your children share the same baby daddy, and you should never marry one of your baby daddies, as this will reduce your per capita support. My husband and I were newly dating at the time, and he would have been a prime candidate for a baby daddy under MIL's plan. He was
horrified as she explained her plan. It's all based on a premeditated scheme of hump him and dump him. You're only allowed to desire a man based on his income and his ability to impregnate you. It's totally gross.

We got married, and a week after we returned from our honeymoon, she was bugging us for grandkids. She was on speakerphone telling us to "get busy!" and asking "do you need me to draw you a diagram?" Um, thanks but no thanks!

Wow. She's just. so. *not* even -- there are no words. Kate - KATE has no words, and that woman can talk about nothing for a week straight. Though we think a creepy diagram of "get busy" by your ProPolyBabyDaddy MIL would pretty much cure teenage pregnancy for like, ever.

Testimony 47:

I wasn't going to write, but just couldn't resist...
Like so many others, my lother in law is a total loon. There are many examples, but I think my favorites were the times she cornered me-literally backed me into a corner- and questioned me as to when I would give her a grandchild-starting with our engagement. She accepted no reasons for our waiting. Silly us, we wanted to wait until we had good jobs and could afford to raise a child- we got married while I was in college and we were barely making enough to support ourselves. And we all know that babies are cheap... So, after being married for three years we decided to start "trying" and about a year later learned that both my husband and I had issues with fertility (medical issues). Awesome. So, not really wanting to discuss my reproductive system with my MIL, I just tried to put her off. At every holiday and family event. For five years. Until the day she told me that if I didn't start having kids soon they would be "born retarded or deformed or something" because I was so old. (I was 32.) Yeah, she's a peach. So, in my hormone-drug induced craziness, I leaned close and whispered that the reason we couldn't have a baby is because her son is impotent and the psychologist thinks it's because he has mommy issues. (Did I mention my beloved husband had never defended me to her?) Gotta love those fertility drugs.

Happy ending, though. We now have an amazing son who is completely healthy and brilliant despite my advanced age of 35 at his birth. And we moved far, far away from her looniness. Oh, and my beloved husband jumps at the chance to defend me to her.

"Oh, MIL, I'm sorry we're not making babies fast enough for you. But, I assure you, we're working on it every. chance. we. get. And, oh my God, your son is super creative. I mean, Good Lord. Didn't know some of that stuff  was even physically possible. Huh, turns out it DOES. Do you want me to keep talking?"

Testimony 48:

My MIL is a wonderful, sweet lady, but she can be a bit of an airhead at times, and is occasionally a bit passive-agressive.

1. When we announced that we would be welcoming a baby boy into our family, she clapped her hands and said, "Oh goody! There's been a 'C' in every generation for the last 500 years!" Now, "C" is my husband's name, but it was not on our list of names for our son. I was so stunned that all I could come up with as a response was, "Well, every tradition comes to an end!" She glared at me, but thankfully didn't say any more about it.

2. I had complications with my first pregnancy near the end, necessitating an induction and near bedrest AFTER delivery. I felt lousy, had an extremely fussy baby, and spent most of those first few days unshowered, still in my bathrobe, covered in a combination of baby spit-up and breastmilk. I answered the phone one day to a number I didn't recognize, and her voice chirped through the phone, "Oh good! You're not sleeping! I'm in the driveway with 4 of my friends to see the new baby!" I saw red. I did manage to tell her that I was very sorry, but it was REALLY not a good time for me. I figured that Satan would have a snowball fight before I opened that door!

3. After the birth of my second son, they came to the hospital to see us about 12 hours after I gave birth, about the time my euphoria wore off and exhaustion set in. I had to feed the baby, and she just sat at the end of the bed staring at me. Since it's nearly impossible to breastfeed a newborn discreetly, it was making me very uncomfortable. I finally excused myself to MY BATHROOM where I sat on a rolling stool to nurse my baby. When I reached the point of exhaustion that I couldn't be upright any more, I came back to my bed and literally made a tent of the sheet over baby and I so I could lay down and nurse. She still didn't take the hint until my mom announced that I needed rest and that everyone needed to leave. She then actually asked if they could just take the baby to the waiting room so they could spend time with just him! I was furious, and blurted out, "HE's EATING!" They finally did leave.

Kate is actually paying homage to you at the computer, wvaing her arms and saying ohms...she's also making plans to send you an arsenal of hammers. They're suprisingly easy to throw, make that amazing whop-whop-whop sound as they spin thru the air, and leave *awesome* dents in the cranium's of certain WHACK MILs.

Testimony 49:

My MIL grossly favors my younger daughter. She will buy things for her and nothing for my older daughter. She forever invites one but not the other places. My kids are night and day in both build and personality. We had a friend drop off some pants to fit my older daughter. They were a kids size 12. My younger daughter pipes up and says, will Morgan give me clothes when I’m a 12? I said, honey, you will never be a 12. You’re short like mommy.

MIL pipes up (with both kids in the room) and says, and your sister is fat like daddy!

After much gasping and steaming, I said are you kidding me????? She said what? - then started laughing. She said, oh don’t be so sensitive. She knows I’m joking.

I wish I could have said get the eff out of my house!

This is the same woman who is hell bent on old wives tales. My children catch more colds than most kids because I put ice in their juice. You catch a “chill” which gives you a cold. When she watches them, she microwaves all beverages so they are room temp or warmer. That keeps them healthy.

Can you imagine the amount of eye rolling I do???

"Girls, gramma is off her damn rocker. You know when we make cookies and we use just a teensy little bit of vanilla? Gramma thinks it's a beverage. And, she said so many unkind things her teeth fell out and the reason she has wrinkles is because she's shrinking from the inside because she's so nasty. That's how you can tell..." Your hot mamma wives tales could be WAY better...and the best part? I've said it before and I'll say it again. Nur. Sing. Hoooooooome....

Testimony 50:

Okay, so I've read a bunch of your stories and they are pretty horrendous! Just wanted to add my stories for posterity!

When I met and fell in love with my husband he had not had any contact with his family for over a year. He was working two FULL-time jobs and putting himself through private college. The day before he left home to go to college for the first time his mom moved all of his stuff to the garage. He had no place to go back "home" to. Anyway, I met him during the summer before his senior year of college. He took me to his home town, drove me past his parents house and said "That's where my family lives." and kept on driving. We spent the evening having dinner with his pastor and his wife...they were more important to my husband than his own mother. A few months later we got engaged and I said that I would really like to meet his family before we got married (oh, if I only knew then what I know now!!!). So my now husband called his mom and said he has news for her. She asked if he got a girl pregnant! Um, we went to spend Christmas with his family. No big stories from that first visit, what can I say, she tried to be nice.

At our wedding, she came down the isle to greet us after the service and shakes my new hubby's hand and says "Good Job." Huh?? She didn't think our reception wasn't good enough for her friends who lived 2 hours away, so she had her own reception "for us" at her home the next day...however, half of my family traveled 12 hours to come to the actual wedding! During the pictues for our wedding, she wanted a picture of "the family" which by the way, didn't include me, but DID include the pregnant 17 year-old girlfriend of her second son (who by the way is now a full sis-in-law and can't stand our M-i-l).

Four years later when we were pregnant with our first child, she gave me a USED potty seat for Christmas. Yup...wrapped up and put under the tree. THANKS! Also, when we would go to visit, we would sleep on an air mattress in her family room. No biggie, except when she would turn on the lights so she could do laundry or vacuum at 2 or 3 in the morning. When our daughter was born, she was so excited to have a girl in the family (hubby is the oldest of 4 boys, other grandchild was a boy...daughters-in-law don't count), she stopped at every single place to shop between her house and ours (4 hours away) and bought something PINK! Seriously, and entire Rubbermaid tub FULL of pink! That's fun, except that when she got to the hospital all she could say is "She's so small. Are you sure she's ok??" Yes, she was 5 pounds, 10 oz, but she was healthy! Grandma wouldn't even hold her! Spent 45 minutes lamenting her TINY size and then left and drove the 4 hours back home.

We continued to stay with my in-laws when we would visit until my son (second child) was about 3 years old and having terrible asthma issues. It seemed to act up much worse when we went to visit...hmm, could be because f-i-l smokes and didn't think anyone would notice if he smoked in the basement! Anyway, after a long night with many nebulizer treatments, we were headed home and she wanted to make sure we all knew that our son's breathing problems are all caused by us not exposing him to more smoke when he was a baby. WHAT!!???? Seriously? I thought my hubby was going to slug her! We have not stayed at her home since!

Now, we live over 14 hours away (being the HORRIBLE D-i-l I am, I made my hubby move, HELLO?? He is a pastor, he is serving a church here, had to move here!) and when we were there at Christmas, we were staying with my brother-in-law and his family, but TRIED to see her...we were there for 5 days and saw her a total of maybe 30 minutes. Yea, thanks Grandma! Of course the brother we were staying with hasn't talked to her in nearly 2 years. His 3 year old daughter doesn't even know that SHE is her grandma! They see her around town, but she's so horrendous to them that they don't even talk.

So anyway...that is my mother-in-law...sounds like a gem, huh?

Thanks for sharing all the stories...makes me know that I am not alone!

If you find a piece of hardened, fossilized poo in the woods, and you polished it and put it in a necklace, can you call it a gem? Because, if so, your MIL is a g.e.m.

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