Monday, May 17, 2010

One Week Later, You Mother...

It's been one week since Mother's Day.  As you know, I didn't have particularly high hopes for that day.  Ironically, my low expectations really helped.  It was actually pretty good.  I have no complaints.  The laundry all got done.  I did it myself, but done is done.  And at my house that hardly ever happens (you SUCK, Randy).  The baby slept in - until 9:00 am - which is unprecedented.  Of course I was up at 7:00 am because of choir, so the only parent that got to reap the benefit and get any rest on Mother's Day was my husband.  That seems fair.  But truthfully, the whole family was sweet and very nice to me and it was a very good day.  I even got one and a half good meals I didn't have to make myself.  Then I got my period.  So that was even awesomer.

I guess I should be thankful though, because I recently saw a news story on a dating website (that I will not name) that is exclusively for married people.  It's tagline is: "Life is short.  Have an affair."  This is not a joke.  They get about 2,500 new members per day.  Except for last week. On the day after Mother's Day, they had over 30,000 women open new accounts.
Holy Crap.

The douche who runs this website claims he's doing the rest of us a public service. Because otherwise, these folks would be hooking up with co-workers and getting fired or hitting more traditional dating sites and engaging in relations with unsuspecting singles.  So - you're welcome, America. 

Are you kidding me? 

I'm not even going to get into the moral crappiness of this site.  I just want to make a statement to the 30,000 women who decided to sign up for this "dating" service because Mother's Day was a disappointment.  And here it is:

You are the stupidest damn jackholes imaginable.  On what level is this a good idea?   Where is the logic?  Let's use some very basic Lydia-style reasoning to see how you got from point A to point B.

Item 1: Husband is an inconsiderate, selfish dick who has no appreciation for you.
Item 2: Your Mother's Day sucked.  You wanted something shiny and some flowers and some time to yourself and maybe a little romance.  Instead you got him being a jackass.
Item 3: You feel justifiably bad.
Item 4: You seek out another inconsiderate, selfish dick to make yourself feel better.   Except this one is also a stranger and totally anonymous and could be a serial killer and is additionally, by merit of being a member of this "service", also a lying, cheating douchebag (and probably someone who treated his own wife even worse on Mother's Day). 

Well...  Of course.  That makes total sense even to me (and I haven't slept since 2003).  Because two worthless arse-holes are better than one, right?  You're a genius.  That's not doing something for yourself, that's yourself making a big mistake.  One you will pay for for years.  The best case scenario is that you get stuck with someone else's loser husband (with his own track record of dirty internet cheating).  So, if you are one of the 30,000+ women who signed up for this site last Monday, may I make a suggestion?  Consider it an alternative to Item 4.  Let's call it:

Item 4a: Wait until your husband leaves for work.  Send him a text message saying: "You're a DICK.  And I HATE YOU."  Then hire a babysitter or call in sick to work. Go buy yourself something shiny, rent a movie with a high quotient of male hotness, buy like ten trashy magazines, a bottle of champagne and small chocolate cake.  Then have a pity party.  You'll be drunk, relaxed and happy by the time your husband gets home and you can then totally square up on him without remorse.  While he's holding his junk and whimpering, keep telling him: "I could be cheating on you right now with some internet furckwad but I'm not because I'm awesome." Wait a few minutes, hand him something to ice down his onions and let him know he can expect a repeat (in increasingly pointy shoes) every February 15th and Monday-after-Mother's-Day until he gets it right.  Then go sleep it off.

I'm not saying that this is the answer.  And sure, in some states it's considered "assault".  But it's a whole lot better than the alternative, trust me
And now you're welcome, 30,000+ women.

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