Monday, May 17, 2010

One Week Later, You Mother...

It's been one week since Mother's Day.  As you know, I didn't have particularly high hopes for that day.  Ironically, my low expectations really helped.  It was actually pretty good.  I have no complaints.  The laundry all got done.  I did it myself, but done is done.  And at my house that hardly ever happens (you SUCK, Randy).  The baby slept in - until 9:00 am - which is unprecedented.  Of course I was up at 7:00 am because of choir, so the only parent that got to reap the benefit and get any rest on Mother's Day was my husband.  That seems fair.  But truthfully, the whole family was sweet and very nice to me and it was a very good day.  I even got one and a half good meals I didn't have to make myself.  Then I got my period.  So that was even awesomer.

I guess I should be thankful though, because I recently saw a news story on a dating website (that I will not name) that is exclusively for married people.  It's tagline is: "Life is short.  Have an affair."  This is not a joke.  They get about 2,500 new members per day.  Except for last week. On the day after Mother's Day, they had over 30,000 women open new accounts.
Holy Crap.

The douche who runs this website claims he's doing the rest of us a public service. Because otherwise, these folks would be hooking up with co-workers and getting fired or hitting more traditional dating sites and engaging in relations with unsuspecting singles.  So - you're welcome, America. 

Are you kidding me? 

I'm not even going to get into the moral crappiness of this site.  I just want to make a statement to the 30,000 women who decided to sign up for this "dating" service because Mother's Day was a disappointment.  And here it is:

You are the stupidest damn jackholes imaginable.  On what level is this a good idea?   Where is the logic?  Let's use some very basic Lydia-style reasoning to see how you got from point A to point B.

Item 1: Husband is an inconsiderate, selfish dick who has no appreciation for you.
Item 2: Your Mother's Day sucked.  You wanted something shiny and some flowers and some time to yourself and maybe a little romance.  Instead you got him being a jackass.
Item 3: You feel justifiably bad.
Item 4: You seek out another inconsiderate, selfish dick to make yourself feel better.   Except this one is also a stranger and totally anonymous and could be a serial killer and is additionally, by merit of being a member of this "service", also a lying, cheating douchebag (and probably someone who treated his own wife even worse on Mother's Day). 

Well...  Of course.  That makes total sense even to me (and I haven't slept since 2003).  Because two worthless arse-holes are better than one, right?  You're a genius.  That's not doing something for yourself, that's yourself making a big mistake.  One you will pay for for years.  The best case scenario is that you get stuck with someone else's loser husband (with his own track record of dirty internet cheating).  So, if you are one of the 30,000+ women who signed up for this site last Monday, may I make a suggestion?  Consider it an alternative to Item 4.  Let's call it:

Item 4a: Wait until your husband leaves for work.  Send him a text message saying: "You're a DICK.  And I HATE YOU."  Then hire a babysitter or call in sick to work. Go buy yourself something shiny, rent a movie with a high quotient of male hotness, buy like ten trashy magazines, a bottle of champagne and small chocolate cake.  Then have a pity party.  You'll be drunk, relaxed and happy by the time your husband gets home and you can then totally square up on him without remorse.  While he's holding his junk and whimpering, keep telling him: "I could be cheating on you right now with some internet furckwad but I'm not because I'm awesome." Wait a few minutes, hand him something to ice down his onions and let him know he can expect a repeat (in increasingly pointy shoes) every February 15th and Monday-after-Mother's-Day until he gets it right.  Then go sleep it off.

I'm not saying that this is the answer.  And sure, in some states it's considered "assault".  But it's a whole lot better than the alternative, trust me
And now you're welcome, 30,000+ women.

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  1. This is awesome! That site makes me completely want to hurl! People just have no respect for eachvother anymore. It's sad.

  2. omg I freaking LOVE you. You're so right about all of it.

  3. Priceless! You are better than Dr. Phil, not that I ever watch his a$$ but you are awesome!

  4. Yes!!! I heard the idiot who started that website do a radio interview a couple years ago and he is just as douchey and slimy as you'd expect. I swear, there is a special circle of hell reserved for him, as well as the jackholes who frequent his site. I love your solution!

  5. There is nothing else I can add. You're a genius.

  6. You should have posted this on Monday. I'm over the stinky Mother's Day. Of course, I just had an anniversary yesterday. Since today is almost over for me, I could celebrate this way tomorrow. Oh wait, my husband is now home sick and is not supposed to be into work for a few days. So now I have three kids to take care of and a birthday party on Friday. Happy, happy

  7. LMAO! Lydia! This is priceless advice. I so wish I had done that last Monday! Not that I joined some psycho website for cheaters, I just went to work and whined a lot. You know, what women who aren't stupid cheaters do. But this? This is a much better solution. He better buy a protective cup for our Anniversary...

  8. I know what site you are talking about. I actually know someone who uses it (sad face). I have to agree with your reasonings about why these women are stupid. All moral and ethical arguments aside, its just asking for more grief.
    I also want to share this with the women who think their mother's days sucks. Last year this was my mother's day:
    Woke up to cute hand made gifts from kids (ages 4 and 6) which was nice. Then told we are all going to breakfast at Cracker Barrel. Hmm, did we forget about church? So, I had to be the bad person and tell them that no, we are going to church, but I guess we can go there for lunch (sorry, to have to say this, but I really don't even like Cracker Barrel). At church I had to excuse myself twice because of the dirty looks by now ex gave me so that I could go outside and cry. After service the kids came upstairs with gifts they made. I exclaimed that I was happy that I got 2 (one from each kid) but the oldest tells me hers if for Daddy. He just smiles. I burst into tears.
    We go home where I barricade myself in my room to cry. When I FINALLY come out we go to a Mexican restaurant for dinner (because that's what I like) and glummly eat. Three days later I was served with divorce papers at work.

    YEAH! So, suck it internet cheater ladies!!!

  9. Every year I plan my own day and buy my own gift, usually a night away at a hotel by myself, dinner by myself, massage and pedicure by myself. Its awesome and my husband totally supports it because he doesnt have to think of it. Everyones happy.

  10. I always say I wouldn't want to go through this life with any other asshole. So I'll keep him. Too may STDs out there anyway.

  11. I am all for just taking the rigns on this one. After many years of being bummed out on Mothers day i just decided to plan my own stuff. It usually involves a night away at a hotel with a nice dinner, massage and pedicure all by myself. Its awesome. My husband takes care of the kids for 24 hrs and I get a break. As long as he doesnt have to plan it he's happy and I am thrilled to get exactly what I want.

  12. I found you all about a month ago and you are seriously my favoritist blog ever. I needed that laugh today.

  13. I agree with "anonymous" that some mamas might just need to take care of themselves! A partner who's not great at celebrating you on Mom's day isn't necessarily a bad guy--he might just be clumsy or not very creative. There are plenty of slimy guys out there who know how to buy flowers, fancy dinners, and treat a girl right--for one night!

  14. Unbelievable. I cannot believe so many people are doing this. It doesn't help that the media is making infidelity so trendy these days either. This website isn't doing a public service to anyone, it is providing an easy vehicle for desperate, unhappy people to ruin their families just by seeing if the grass is really greener. I think in general these days people don't value the institution of marriage anymore. It is for LIFE. Especially if there are children involved. No it isn't always going to be peachy, but you freakin deal with it and move on to a better day. You don't go have an affair. If the marriage is really so bad for legitimate reasons (abuse, neglect, existing infidelity, etc) then you get out, not add some outside influence to an already bad situation. These people need to stop being immature and selfish and start acting like grown-ups and PARENTS.

  15. I LOVE "keep telling him: "I could be cheating on you right now with some internet furckwad but I'm not because I'm awesome." " You ROCK.

  16. There's a website just for finding affairs? Oh HELL no! That's just asking for a case of something icky and requiring antibiotics and maybe an anti-itch cream.

    Item 4a is really the best idea I've ever heard and applicable for failed anniversaries, birthdays, and other causes of celebration that men sometimes just don't get.

  17. WOW!! Someone once told me a relationship ends the way it begins... if when you find someone they are cheating, don't expect that they won't do the same thing to you.

    I've also seen that if men would pour as much attention into their wives as they do their mistresses they'd find no need for a mistress.

    Loving 4a! Though as a single mom now, I see what I should have done years ago, plan my own totally awesome day with my kiddos and leave the hubby at the time to fend for himself for a day.

  18. That douche you speak of, I worked with his wife.
    I remember asking her what he did for a living because my retinas were damaged from the glare off her engagement ring. She just said he ran a web business and left it at that. It wasn't until long after I worked with her that I found out what that "web business" was.
    It's all nice that they have a ton of cash and a part of me appreciates that some people are pigs so why not cash in on the bacon but they have two little kids and at the end of the day do you really want your kid telling people his daddy hooks up OPP? Not cool, son. Not cool.

  19. I laugh til I cry reading this stuff. Great job!

  20. I did have a F.U. chocolate delight after my "was it really?" mother's day.

    All my friend's got fancy gifts on their first mother's day (we all had our kids in a span of 1.5 years), except for me. Now I tell Dh it's not even worth getting anything now, he wasted my first MD and that was what really mattered to me.

    blah, I wouldn't even care if the other women in my life wouldn't flash their gifts under my nose.

  21. While I totally agree with 4a, I wonder about the motivation for signing up. As you noted, the logic of signing up to cheat with someone who is already treating his wife poorly if you’re upset about your husband treating you poorly makes absolutely no sense. I wonder if many of these women are not actually looking to cheat themselves but rather looking to catch a cheating husband—the bad mother’s day could have been a clue that the husband is really out to lunch. While I still think a more direct approach is preferable, women need all the help they can get to get custody, alimony, child support, etc. (if they’re squaring up legally against a dishonest d-bag) so I can’t fault somebody for trying to catch a cheater.

  22. Can I get a slice of that F.U. Chocolate Delight? I love your advice (because items 1-3 totally apply) and your line of reasoning is completely magnificent. My mother's day was pretty sucky and I think that I'm going to go with the pointy shoes for round one of 4a (because 4 is totally not an option).

  23. That FU Chocolate Cake sounds perfect right now. MUCH more satisfying than that sammich I pouted in the car eating.




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