Thursday, May 20, 2010

Secret Agent Moms. Please Don't Tell Anyone.

Do you remember a couple of weeks ago we posted this?  The MommyLand Schmidt Advisory System?  Well, apparently this was interpreted on the internet as us being government agents.  Seriously, we started getting hits from the oddest places.  There's no other explanation.  The frequent references to Little Terror Suspects may not have helped either. 

I guess there are people out there who think that there is an actual US Department of MommyLand Security.  Well, there certainly should be.  So yesterday afternoon, we decided to start one.  We prefer to call it the MommyLand Security Agency (MSA)*.  Not the NSA, because that's for professionals.  In this capacity, we feel we are semi-professional

*It is also not MRSA, which is scary and should be avoided if possible.  Because it is gross and also you can die from it.

While we were giggling over the fact that we were secret agents, something amazing happened.  And this whole story is totally 100% true.  We got a secret message.   And that's how we knew that we actually were spies.  Because someone posted a comment very late last night, and it was entirely in Chinese.  We decided first thing this morning that it was our patriotic duty to decode it.

But first we had to clean up some dog vomit and get the kids off to school.  Dooty calls.

After I dropped the kids off, I got a frantic text message from Kate: "Urgent! I have translated the message.  Call me."

Now to say I was impressed with Kate's covert-ops language skills is a bit of an understatement.  I was gobsmacked.  You translated a secret message from Chinese to English before breakfast?  In the twenty minutes it took me to drive the kids to school?  Oh Kate.  You are so awesome.  With your gorgeousness and your Dior shoes and your ability to break enemy code while applying lipstick on your way to work...  You deserve a medal.

Then she said something about cutting and pasting it into Google's translator.  

But whatever, she did it.  And she was ready to tell me the message.  Pins and needles!  Do we have to bust up an international gang of drug dealers?  Is someone trying to build a death ray and only we can stop them?  Is one of our beloved readers trapped in a factory on the other side of the globe and needs us to recue her?  I nervously whispered if I should hang up and call her back from a more "secure line." She sighed and said, "You better sit down."

Here is the communication we received last night from our Chinese language correspondent:

"Please you will purchase this Hello Kitty vibrator."

Oh.  Umm.  Oh (again).  But what does it mean?  The stupid Cap'n was all: "It's spam, Lydia.  Chinese spam.  It means exactly what it says.  Please stop calling me at work.  You are not a secret agent.  And perhaps you might consider that a real secret agent would not blog about her activities.  No.  I am not a spy, either.  I'm not sure you really grasp what secret means.  Sigh... Can I go now?  Also, please tell me to take you off speakerphone before you start talking about vibrators."

But he is just jealous.  And I am going to call back in a minute and tell him so.  It's not spam.  It's a secret code.  Oh, I'm having a breakthrough!  I get it now.  I think it has something to do with this:

I think maybe there's a connection here, people.  Kate and I have work to do. 

Fortheloveofpete, Kate. Stop humming the theme to Mission: Impossible and lurking behind corners holding a pretend gun and then jumping out with karate hands. Super. Now it's in my head, you snitch. STOP TRYING TO SCARE ME!  Agent Fancy, I'm about to Square Up...  We have serious work to do. 

First, I called Aunt Mary. Obviously. She sent me the Hello Kitty Sandwich Maker to begin with and she mentioned it in a comment on the blog months beforehand. So "Hello Kitty {insert name of small household electronic}" is obviously code for something very important. Unfortunately, Aunt Mary seemed to think that I was either joking or coming completely unhinged. She was very kind, but neither helpful nor supportive. She kept saying "Get some sleep, Lydia.  Really.  Or have a nice cup of tea for your nerves. A little Earl Grey never hurt anyone."  I hung up assured of her innocence but deeply concerned nonetheless.

I fear she may be a pawn in this dangerous game.

But a few hours later, it happened!  I found the evidence I was looking for. I was reading all about how hot David Beckham is international news from the UK and I saw this:

Holy crap, y'all.

I have never seen a Hello Kitty vibrator before. But I'm pretty sure if they exist and somebody decided to make them into action figures, they would look just like this.  This is the message.  We have been called to action.  We will not refuse this call.  FEAR NOT, Great Britain! 

Sigh... I just called the Cap'n again and he still thinks we're stupid.  I think he's being unreasonable.  Not really secret agents?  Come on.  Let's use logic and reasoning to review the data collected so far that firmly establishes that only we can save the London Olympics from disaster: 

1) Kate and Lydia start a blog and establish their awesomeness on a global level.  Even though only about 17.3 people per day actually read it.
2) Lydia's Aunt Mary leaves a random comment about a Hello Kitty small household electronic device.
2) Two months later it arrives and makes delicious ham and cheddar panninis.
3) A few weeks later, the MommyLand Schmidt Advisory System is launched worldwide.
4) A comment is received in Chinese (presumably from a resident of the former British colony Hong Kong) in the middle of the night and leads Kate and Lydia to their destiny...

Wenlock and Mandeville, you big Hello Kitty-looking Mascots, get ready to meet Kate and Lydia. No one and I mean NO ONE is going to mess with the London Olympics.  Pervy terrorists be warned, MommyLand is on the case. 

Relax, England, we got this.   America's secret weapon is ready to be deployed. 

Awaiting next transmission...

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  1. I'm 1/2 tempted to remove my kick-ass Spam blocking stuff from my blog. Because sh*t like "you will purchase Hello Kitty vibrator" cracks me right the heck up.



  3. you are off your rocker funny

  4. Now I'm going to be laughing the whole time I'm watching the olympics and these guys show up. My husband might have me commited! LOL

  5. If y'all keep this up, I'm going to have to make it a point to use the bathroom before I read this - this is the second time I've almost peed myself laughing so hard at your posts.

    edit - my word verification is "moutbon" - is that more code?!

  6. I nearly pee'd my pants reading this post this morning, because I have actually SEEN a Hello Kitty vibrator in real life! True story! A friend and I were in a store (that we obviously mistook for a Christian bookstore) and while we were at the register paying for our... uh... "books"... the very helpful cashier pointed out the sale items in the display case. And I kid you not, they were featuring Hello Kitty vibrators! Being in a Christian bookstore, we were of course appalled, so we didn't buy one (even though the discount was ridiculous!) but in retrospect I've kicked myself a thousand times because of opportunities to share. Just. Like. Now!

  7. xiè​xie (Mandarin pinyan for Thank You). That was hilarious. I can understand the numbers 1-10 and at least 5 color words in Mandarin. Let me know if I can be of some help. I also know the word for crayon should that come in handy when discussing Hello Kittys slutty cousin. Not that it would, just throwin it out there...

  8. OMG.... now we need a Mommyland Sitcom to go with this BLOG, the visuals are just not enough!...LOL

  9. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! I cannot laugh this much so early in the day.

  10. I don't want to worry you, but it sounds like the Cap'n (if that is his real name) might be a part of the conspiracy, sent to keep you from discovering the truth.

  11. Y'all are on fire! (wait you better check) Ok? Good. You f'n crack my ass up. you are nutjobs and I love it. If I ever called my husband at work and talked about how me and my BFF were spies he'd come home and look for drugs then send my ass right back to work. Keep it up sisters.

  12. 我是间谍请做我火腿和切达乳酪你好全部赌注三明治

  13. I almost spit my tea on my laptop!!!!!! You are freakin' hilarious. Maybe crazy, too!!!

  14. I second the comment about you ladies watching a sitcom...I feel like i am reading Seinfield for need to pitch it! Get an agent!

  15. Secret... AGENT... Mom! (Like the song? Secret Agent Man?) I love this. I wish I were a spy like you.

  16. Can I be a co-agent...even though I'm not married (give it 8 months) and have no kids? I'm really good at covert operations...

  17. AH-HA!!! My husband is been telling me I'm just nuts, but thanks to you I can prove him wrong!

    They're everywhere just watching us and waiting for the right moment to attack!!!
    Go Mom-Secret-Agents!! Save the Olimpics, Save the world!


    Amazing? Definitely.

  19. My 2 year old's babysitter is from Taiwan, she speaks Mandarin, so I can help with the translation, though she might be part of the infiltration. I'm pretty sure in addition to teaching my daughter to count in Chinese, say hello, please, thank you, sister and brother, she has also taught her 'stupid americans' to mumble under her breath when her father or I do or say something stupid.

  20. You ladies are so on top of this! My sinuses are full of coffee, but I'm lovin' your covert status and wish I could join you. I can only hope that my blog gets some undercover 'spam' messages someday...hope and pray!

    Can I borrow you're Mommy Advisory System and post it on my fridge? In my truck? On the bathroom mirrors? And/or wallpaper the playroom?

    Muah! Be safe...LOVE IT!

  21. I think you should get garter-gun-holsters.

    That would make you look "official".

  22. I laughed hardest at the Cap'n and Aunt Mary's bizarre under-reactions to your discovery of the Hello Kitty plot. This is just like how Sarah and the CIA thought Chuck was crazy just because he knocked out some diplomat's tooth only to discover it was 100% tooth when they analyzed it with their handy dandy tooth analyzer, which they keep (because you never know when you'll have to analyze a fake tooth with secret intelligence...stuff) in their designer spy pad under the Buy More, all of which makes PERFECT SENSE on television. Won't Cap'n and Aunt Mary feel bad later when the Zamibians come after you in the asylum? Yes, yes they will.

  23. HILARIOUS. Totally hilarious.

  24. Okay, I live in England and I have to say that I am freaked by those weird Olympics One-Eyed-Monsters. We have a saying in dear old Blighty about One-Eyed trouser snakes...are those monsters any relation do you think?!
    Thank the gods for you awesome Spy Mommas. It is just such a brilliant disguise too. I mean you come over all unhinged and kid-whipped but really you are cool, in control super-agents with a Plan to save us. I want to be a cool Spy Momma too. If you ever think about recruiting I'm right here....

  25. OK, Agents. I'm headed to the Spy Museum gift shop to stock up on pens disguised as lipsticks and other important Spy Equipment. I have a camera that looks like a soda can already. (what? Like you don't have one.) All we need are some night vision goggles and we are ready to KICK HELLO KITTY'S VIBRATING BUTT!!!!!!! I love this country and I'm not gonna let it go down this way!

  26. I don't know those freaking mascots are supposed to be but I hate them and they will haunt my dreams.

  27. (I wonder if your Chinese visitor was trying to sell you one of these?)

  28. So you weren't the only ones to get a secret message. Here is another hilarious post about it from the land of blogging.

  29. OMG...I don't know how I missed this post from a few days ago...however, it is hysterical!!! I live in Hong Kong and let me just tell you, they are Hello Kitty crazy here and in most of asia. The proof? They opened a Hello Kitty MATERNITY HOSPITAL in Taiwan a few years ago!!! Can you imagine delivering a baby there?

    Thanks for the laughs! You girls are awesome!

  30. we saw this in a shop in Asbury Park today- I may want one:




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