Monday, May 24, 2010

Top Ten Things Lydia Says When She's Tired and Shouldn't Be Talking

Lydia doesn't get enough sleep. Like, ever. And she tends to say stuff that she doesn't even think about when she's tired. And then doesn't realize she's saying it. She once told someone she drove a Ford Tampon... and never bothered to correct herself. Or, she says stuff that doesn't make sense. Or stuff that's so funny that I have actually compiled an entire Top Ten List to that effect. On the classified section of the newspaper.

I also haven't told her that such as list was in existence. Until she saw it in our drafts. And then she denied saying pretty much any of those things. But these things are 100% true and 100% Lydia. Some are quotes and some are things she confessed to after a dip (or seven) into a T-Box. Either way, she's awesome when she's tired. Because no one - NO ONE - can come up with this stuff...I know. I tried...enjoy. And laugh super hard. Because it's all at her expense. GOD I LOVE HER!

xoxo Kate

10. She once told the Cap'n that she was going to square up and kick him in the labia. He spit beer out all over the floor. She didn't realize what she had said; she was just pissed he spit all over their attractive brown area rug named Peter Orszag.

9. "I'm such an ass...I'm such an ass... How is it possible that I am such an ass?"

8. "Hi Kate, it's me.  I know it's midnight.  I'm sorry for calling so late.  I forgot how to spell the word "necessary" and the spellchecker won't work." [During the conversation, the other line rings. I click over. It's the C3PO version of Lydia who has just accidentally texted my house phone. AGAIN.] "Hi. Kate. Sorry. To. Bother. You. Solate. Forgot. How. ToSpell. Nes. Essary. I. Am. A. Jackhole. Lydia." Click back over and tell her it's impressive that she can call me and other-line call me. She hung up, so I could talk to her on the other line. You think I kid....

7. "I swear to God the next child that gets out of bed is sleeping in the basement with the cat. Forever."

6. "Hey, sorry to bother you, I know you're at work. What does 'LTS' mean? [huge pause] Are you there? Seriously, stop laughing. I forgot. You're a bitch."

5. "OhmyGod Kate I spilled potting soil down my shirt when I was potting the tomatoes for you and then the baby poured water down my cleavage when I picked her up. So now I have mud in my bra...and maybe possibly a worm. What?"

4. "I'm so tired. Like, can't walk tired. How do people who have kids do it every day? Wait. What did I just say?"

3. (when the IHPs and I were over for dinner) "I thought I made Awesome Sauce, but now I can't find it. And it's weird. Because I thought I also made some yogurt for MiniMiniMe and I can't find that either..."

2. "I would totally have a glass of wine with you but...HAWK! STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER! what? Do you want something to drink? Did I ask you that? I would totally have a glass of wine with you --THUMBELINA! DO YOU WANT A SNAKE IN YOUR ROOM? Hey, sorry, I suck. Do you want a drink?"

1. [While reading her a portion of a post I was writing... Yes, I concede it wasn't one of my best... Snitch] *snore* *sound of phone hitting the ground*
Cap'n: "Kate? She fell asleep...and she's talking about someone named Randy...ummm, who the f*** is Randy?"
Me: "He's the Laundry Fairy."
Cap'n: "Right. She dreams -- and talks -- about figments of her own imagination. Thanks Kate. You'll be paying the psychiatric bills."
Lydia: [while sleeping] "You SUCK IT. Stupid track suit [laughs] This is awesome."

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