Monday, May 24, 2010

Top Ten Things Lydia Says When She's Tired and Shouldn't Be Talking

Lydia doesn't get enough sleep. Like, ever. And she tends to say stuff that she doesn't even think about when she's tired. And then doesn't realize she's saying it. She once told someone she drove a Ford Tampon... and never bothered to correct herself. Or, she says stuff that doesn't make sense. Or stuff that's so funny that I have actually compiled an entire Top Ten List to that effect. On the classified section of the newspaper.

I also haven't told her that such as list was in existence. Until she saw it in our drafts. And then she denied saying pretty much any of those things. But these things are 100% true and 100% Lydia. Some are quotes and some are things she confessed to after a dip (or seven) into a T-Box. Either way, she's awesome when she's tired. Because no one - NO ONE - can come up with this stuff...I know. I tried...enjoy. And laugh super hard. Because it's all at her expense. GOD I LOVE HER!

xoxo Kate

10. She once told the Cap'n that she was going to square up and kick him in the labia. He spit beer out all over the floor. She didn't realize what she had said; she was just pissed he spit all over their attractive brown area rug named Peter Orszag.

9. "I'm such an ass...I'm such an ass... How is it possible that I am such an ass?"

8. "Hi Kate, it's me.  I know it's midnight.  I'm sorry for calling so late.  I forgot how to spell the word "necessary" and the spellchecker won't work." [During the conversation, the other line rings. I click over. It's the C3PO version of Lydia who has just accidentally texted my house phone. AGAIN.] "Hi. Kate. Sorry. To. Bother. You. Solate. Forgot. How. ToSpell. Nes. Essary. I. Am. A. Jackhole. Lydia." Click back over and tell her it's impressive that she can call me and other-line call me. She hung up, so I could talk to her on the other line. You think I kid....

7. "I swear to God the next child that gets out of bed is sleeping in the basement with the cat. Forever."

6. "Hey, sorry to bother you, I know you're at work. What does 'LTS' mean? [huge pause] Are you there? Seriously, stop laughing. I forgot. You're a bitch."

5. "OhmyGod Kate I spilled potting soil down my shirt when I was potting the tomatoes for you and then the baby poured water down my cleavage when I picked her up. So now I have mud in my bra...and maybe possibly a worm. What?"

4. "I'm so tired. Like, can't walk tired. How do people who have kids do it every day? Wait. What did I just say?"

3. (when the IHPs and I were over for dinner) "I thought I made Awesome Sauce, but now I can't find it. And it's weird. Because I thought I also made some yogurt for MiniMiniMe and I can't find that either..."

2. "I would totally have a glass of wine with you but...HAWK! STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER! what? Do you want something to drink? Did I ask you that? I would totally have a glass of wine with you --THUMBELINA! DO YOU WANT A SNAKE IN YOUR ROOM? Hey, sorry, I suck. Do you want a drink?"

1. [While reading her a portion of a post I was writing... Yes, I concede it wasn't one of my best... Snitch] *snore* *sound of phone hitting the ground*
Cap'n: "Kate? She fell asleep...and she's talking about someone named Randy...ummm, who the f*** is Randy?"
Me: "He's the Laundry Fairy."
Cap'n: "Right. She dreams -- and talks -- about figments of her own imagination. Thanks Kate. You'll be paying the psychiatric bills."
Lydia: [while sleeping] "You SUCK IT. Stupid track suit [laughs] This is awesome."

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  1. LOL!! Poor Lydia!! You've got nothing on me! I am totally crazy when I'm tired, my husband threatens to sleep on the couch when I'm too tired!

  2. I.Love. This. Once, I was so tired (1st baby had just been born) that I forgot who was on the phone AS I was talking with them. I made them call back and leave a message on the answering machine telling me what they wanted. The next week I answered the door for the Fed Ex guy and I had been nursing said adorable baby . . . only had forgot to er. . . put things back where they belonged thanks to a major lack of sleep. Classy, no?

  3. After baby #3 I fell asleep sitting upright talking to kid #1. That must have done wonders for his self esteem.

  4. #1 had me laughing out loud at work!! I am a librarian, folks!!! :)

  5. I told my daughter on Saturday that if she didn't stop eating crackers and have some milk that her pee would come out as dust.LOL.

  6. At least Lydia is funny when she's tired, I'm just b*tchy. I've had both an ex husband and my best friend tell me at various times you need to go to bed, you are being hateful, of course that only made me more hateful, "what makes you think I'm need to go to bed, I'm not tired, you are just p@ssing me off!" Thank God they both loved me, because if I had been in their shoes, I probably would have squared up.

  7. Ow, ow, ow! My spleen! I'm not sure at what point it stops being laughter and I'm technically convulsing, but whatever--that was hilarious.

  8. I'll never forget when a friend of mine had been up all night with the baby and the next day movers were coming to give her an estimate. She had been nursing the baby and there was a knock at the door, so she got up answered the door and showed to two mover guys around at all that she needed moved. They were there for 30 minutes, after they left she looked down and the baby had fallen asleep while nursing leaving her whole boob out in the open!!!!

  9. I used to fall asleep while reading books to my boys. I'd keep reading nonsense until one of them woke me or I said something that I realized sounded wrong. I only remember the one where I started promising the kids balloons (the book had nothing to do with balloons!

  10. after a particularly long night i once had a telemarketer ask me what kind of toilet bowl cleaner i used, and without missing a beat answered "Clear blue easy", if it weren't for the laughter coming from the other side of the room & the awkward silence on thr other end of the line, i don't think i would have even realized i got it wrong

  11. That's pee in your pants kind of funny. Going to bed now to dream about Randy...

  12. I can't stop laughing and crying at the same time!!

  13. Oh THANK you. I'm just catching up on posts, and that was fanTABulous. I think I just peed my pants...

  14. Some of these made me laugh out loud and spit!

  15. I know this is an old post, I'm going through the archives. I am at work and totally LOL, crying. I hope my boss doesn't see me on the cameras! Thanks for the laugh!




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