Friday, May 28, 2010

Top Ten Things That Make Memorial Day Weekend Not Really a Weekend

10. The same children who can't be dragged out of bed in order to be at school at 8:15 are up and ready to play at 5:43 am on the weekend.  And silly mommy, you thought having that extra glass of wine with your husband and staying up an hour later was such a good idea.  It doesn't seem like a good idea when you're breaking up fights over what cartoon to watch and changing a poopers before 6 am.  Welcome to Saturday.

9. Get a shower and have breakfast on the table by 7am because there's soccer at 8...and 10...and 11:45, 2, and 5:30. Yeah, that's how I want to spend my Saturday. Hot field, kids running aimlessly, coaches yelling things like "Randolph! You take, touch, pitch and run!"  What. Does. That. Even. Mean? Super comfy bleacher seats for 27 hours straight -- thank you, my ass now has rivets. And then the all powerful Soccer Mom on the other side of the field, watching her Angel "play" (translation: running around aimlessly, actually touching the ball, and then looking at the coach like "What?! You said 'touch'! [under breath] Douche.") and Mom is busy eating egg salad, rearranging juice boxes and yelling things like "go kick!' and "play soccer!" So I start yelling friendly reminders too...things like "breathe!" I'm pretty sure Coach doesn't need me to come back. Ever.

8. You get to make three full meals a day for every single person in your house.  A big eggy breakfast is sort of a tradition in our family.  Yummmm...  But three hours later comes lunch.  And three hours after that comes snack.  And three hours after that comes dinner.  Clean/cook/eat/clean/repeat.  By Sunday night, the dishwasher is going: "WTF?! Can you people not eat a single meal out of the house?  I've been running non-stop for 48 hours and my ass is tired." 

Well said, dishwasher, in that we are alike.

7.  Errands are the enemy of the suburban weekend.  Especially those that I like to call "sneaky husband errands".  These are things like getting the oil changed, something about tires being rotated or going to Home Depot.  Things that should take an hour but end up taking the entire afternoon.  I do not doubt the validity of such errands.  I just doubt that it takes three hours to accomplish them.  I also doubt the assertion that they could not possibly be accomplished with a child or three in tow.  I do nothing without at least one kid with me.  This includes going to the gynecologist.  So I'm pretty sure you can get a damn haircut with some company.  I am on my own with the little boogers all week, while I drive them places and wash their clothes and feed them and read them stories and they are cursing my name and dreaming of time alone with their daddy.  I say give it to them - at Home Depot - while I bask in my bi-annual hour of alone time.  It's just a guess, but I reckon that if kids were required to accompany their fathers on "sneaky husband errands" Daddy would be home from Jiffy Lube in less than an hour.

6.  The pool opens this weekend.  I am equal parts elated and defeated.  I love the pool.  I just hate the fact that it requires two and a half hours of preparation, three bags and a cooler, a half gallon of sun block and a backseat full of foam toys (that I will have to carry and no one will actually play with) to get there.  Twenty minutes after arriving someone will have to take a schmidt and I will have to argue why shoes are required for the bathroom at the pool because swimming in the pool is not technically considered "washing". *Me gagging.*  Then it will either rain or the ice cream man will come.  In either case, there will be crying. 

5. Catch up. All the sh*t you didn't get done all week, like the dry cleaners and the vet and the grocery store for that ONE thing you forgot and the post office and the bank -- which close at noon, so you have to get your ass in gear otherwise you're standing in front of a locked door cursing the Randy. Why him? Because you were at home...catching up on the mur.thur.fur.kin laundry.

4.Oh, and don't forget about Quality Time. You know, when your family pretends you've been transported into a Norman Rockwell painting. And you spend all this frickin' energy trying to take something stupid and turn it into something fun for the family to do fortheloveofpete, can't anybody appreciate that?! Damn! I'm trying to make some %*#(@*#_% memories here!

3. The mandatory barbecue.  You're screwed no matter what. If its at your house - why are you reading this blog?  You don't have time, honey.  Vacuum.  De-clutter.  You should be cleaning the guest bathroom and peeling potatoes right now.  They're coming and they probably won't help you clean up either.  If it's at someone else's house - either you or your husband will have to spend the entire time monitoring your kids, silently resentful that your spouse is getting to actually have grown up time. 

The worst is that usually, it's not just your kids that you end up watching but the hell-spawn of the Jackhole family.  You know the Jackholes, right?  Who show up at a party and release their rabid, ill-behaved monsters offspring and then never check on them again until they're ready to go home.  Who do they suppose is watching their children while they chat and drink beer and enjoy themselves?  Jesus?  To my knowledge, Jesus is not at this barbecue.  He was invited but he's busy.  And if he does show up it is not for the purpose of babysitting your kids and keeping them from drawing on the walls with a sharpie, pounding on each other and ordering inappropriate pay-per-view.  Apparently that's my job.  I love barbecues.  Grrrr....

*The Jackholes are the same ones who bring their kids to the playground and vapidly watch their kids throw mulch into my four year olds eyes and do nothing.
2. And there's the Sunday Night Stupor.  You sit down on the couch at 9:30 pm Sunday night for the first time since school got out on Friday and sink into a catatonic state.  And you wind up sitting there  with a glass of wine in your hand watching an episode of  "Law & Order" on TNT for the 87th time because you just can't get off the couch.  Your conversations with your spouse consist of grunts, nods and cave paintings.  The only thing that can pry your keister off the couch is the idea of quickly replanting in the bed.  Because tomorrow morning it starts all over again...

1. Oh, what? Monday is a holiday? You mean, a holiday for you. For me, it just means one more day when you're up in my sh*t, asking for food, making a mess, and generally just in my house when you should  be at school or at work. The species Exhaustus Maternus is the only known species to actually like it is the day she gets to recover from her "week end" whatever that is. Having a holiday on a Monday merely serves to extend that "week end" and increase said workload on Tuesday by 33%. So, thanks government. And school systems. Clearly you all aren't moms. You're douches.

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  1. Seriously. Do we live in the same house?!

  2. oh gosh I love my Mondays!!!! :) But losing one isn't as bad, as say -- having family come over for an entire week and expect to be waited on hand and foot...making beautiful memories while I totally lose my schmidt!

  3. and lets thank Fairfax County for starting our weekend super early this year and dismissing the kids 2 hours early from school. Those are MY last 2 hours of potential quiet and they are GONE, GONE, GONE!! Also, your kids wait 3 hours after a meal before asking for a snack?? I think you meant 3 minutes!

  4. A-frackin'-men to point 7.
    And at Ft. Army, we have a 4 day weekend. Thus my Friday morning hangover. Momma must pre-funk for the 'holiday'.

  5. well our school system decided that our kids didnt need to go to school today(friday) so yea a 4 day weekend

  6. Thank you! Finally, someone gets me!! The last time we did a family bbq on this wonderful Holiday, the jackholes showed up, the mother left to do a little "shopping" and the dad passed out in a lawn chair in the backyard just shortly after announcing "Sure kids, you can play in the house!" freakin' a**hole.

  7. This is awesome, but I'm jealous you have a dishwasher. Then again, I have 3 little ones and they don't go to soccer yet.

  8. First-time reader of this blog. This is hilarious, and right on the money. Thanks for the smile...but I don't have time to be reading this stuff!

  9. Do you hear that? It is me whoot-whoot'ing you from Alabama! If I could give you a standing ovation while typing, I'd do that! Amen!
    I had my last baby two years ago and since I homeschool, I had my other five kids at every frickin' OB appointment! We were like a carnival show every month in there. God forbid I go anywhere without my six pack, but when my beloved has to run an 'errand' there is NO WAY IN HELL he can take even one of them.
    I've told him forever that his weekends are his time to get away from his work. But for me? Hell no. I live at work, I never clock out, I never even get a frickin' bathroom break wtihout putting out a fight through the bathroom door-if I'm lucky enough to get the door between us.
    This year for my b'day, since it's the only day I get away with anything, I'm taking off for the day! Haven't told them yet, I may text them after I peel out of the driveway!

  10. 11. You have to socialize with lazy, martry-like, 'family' who don't consider you family, a SIL who will walk around yelling random rude things all day, (like, "your butt looks big in that.) and everyone ignores it. And they don't drink. I think this year I will though. :)

  11. OMG, the "sneaky husband errands" !!! Wow - did you nail that one right on the head!!!!

  12. I'm in the same boat as Michelle. But since we're in Germany, it means the husband will get lost running errands and "accidentally" finding his way into a pub. So I will "accidentally" lose my schmidt and probably go on strike. Yeah, THAT'll happen. *sigh*

  13. LOVE it, as always!

    I thought I was pulling some stealth mom move by cleaning the house spic and span spotless and getting ALL of the laundry done Tuesday night.

    D.U.M.B! Outsmarted again by the school, Randy and damn Mr. Clean, as my children have been out of school for 3 days and at home with a sitter. So the house is no longer clean, the laundry is piling up and I wasted a freakin Tuesday night that I could have been watching mindless tv and enjoying a glass of wine.

  14. " If it's at someone else's house - either you or your husband will have to spend the entire time monitoring your kids, silently resentful that your spouse is getting to actually have grown up time."

    Yes, yes, yessity yes!! And he totally doesn't get why I am all seething "we need to leave NOW!" after I just spent 5 mins chasing a little one as he tried to run straight into the middle of a football/baseball/basketball game where he surely would have been trampled, all while he was chatting with so and so or taking pictures. I. Hate. Cookouts.

  15. We have Friday off, this year. So a four day weekend (except for my husband, of course)here in the miserable Seattle rain. Great post, I love the "sneaky Daddy errand" description. So true, I try to tell my husband, my boys would love to go to Home Depot with him. Man time, right?

  16. After you remove your secret Kate-Cam from my house...
    I have to put a clean blouse on..because I snorted coffee all over it.
    I have a number #11 every year-the dreaded Memorial Day Parade. We are in it because our kids are scouts and we have veterans in our family. After a morning of stuffing sunburned children into uniforms, I have to have them at the parade ground at the crack of dawn. Where we bake in stiff cotton for idiots to figure out how to line us up like sardines and walk down a street. The highlight always is the J-Holes. The same ones who leave their kids un-attended at the Park and I will unfortunately want to strangle at the picnic that afternoon. (the parents-not the kids) They stand their talking-loudly-about the people walking by them while their darlings throw stuff at the marchers. I'm sweating like a pig but not deaf. And if my little darling gets a concussion from a flying rock, my size 8's are gonna square up.

    What time does the liquor store close this weekend??!!

  17. So true. I hate weekends, holiday weekends are worse, and I want to kill summer.

  18. Don't even get me started. Husband has a FOUR day weekend. Starting today. Guess who was still up with the baby all night? Not Mr. Weekend, that's for sure. He was "busy" playing a game. And you know what? It's gonna be like that all weekend. I'm dreading it. Stupid holiday.

  19. Only a 3 day week end for me. And Yes. A week end for ME. I am on strike. As of 2 days ago when MIL announced the BBQ will be at my house. Again. They can have fun. I will not be there this year...

  20. Yes...the sneaky errands! Why CAN'T he take them with him? Mommies do things with the kids all the my personal favorite: getting ourselves ready for going wherever with the family while simulataneously getting the kids ready and packing kid-stuff. I actually used to feel like I wasn't doing enough when he would complain that I (as in me, the person responsible for getting more than herself ready) was taking too long, holding things up. He hasn't complained about that in awhile; I think he's seen the light. But: learn. to. take. all-of-'em. with. you. without. coming. home. making. yourself. sound. like. a. martyr. that the sound of the schoolbus' brakes? Why, yes...and my weekend begins!

  21. My DH is nice enough to watch the kids while I go to the store in the evening, but honestly, it's still a great big PITA. This only means I have to cook dinner, clean up everything, and escape all that screaming (you'd think those kids would be sick of me, but they never are!) And then if I'm gone too long, DH starts texting me. Dude, it takes you 30 minutes to drive just over 1 mile from work to home, but you are freaking out if I'm gone for more than an hour?

    DH informed me this morning he's off Monday. I'm already dreading it since Sunday (the one day we're all cooped up in here together) is torture enough. We never go anywhere together. Our youngest is nearly 15 months and we've never been out to eat as a family.

  22. Hilarious! Laughing out loud at work! Thank you!!!!

  23. #3 - Even yesser. He can't understand why I H.A.T.E. to go out to dinner with childless friends. It's because I get to entertain our 3 year old and make 17,651 trips to the potty while he gets to relax, chat and otherwise be a grown-up. And since I'm preggers, I can't even have an adult beverage to take the edge off. Sooo nice to know I'm not the only one seething inwardly!

  24. Yep, pretty much sums it up!

  25. So I've almost finished a bottle of Pinot by myself tonight (I'm on the last few sips, go me). I couldn't stop laughing after I saw the Will Ferrell reference.

    What. Does. That. Even. Mean?

    I can't even finish the post. The new Husband is a little annoyed. "What are you laughing at? Drink your wine! Get drunk! Watch 'Big Bang Theory' with me!"

    I (drunkely, especially) love you guys.

  26. WAIT?! Are you really having a BBQ on Monday? If I'm not invited I'm losing my Schmidt.

    Go out of town. Leave me your kids. Good Lord, woman, you need a break!

    (I wasn't kidding about the Pinot...)

  27. thanks again for the laughs, laughter through tears is Dolly's favorite emotion, mine is laughing at the truth while screaming AMEN at the computer screen. I would suggest doing a blog about how there's no "Rants from Daddyland" (I'm a recent subscriber so excuse me if you've already done that), but there's really not enough for a whole blog, bottom line- HE HAS NOTHING TO RANT ABOUT!!

  28. So I highlighted this part:
    7. Errands are the enemy of the suburban weekend. Especially those that I like to call "sneaky husband errands". These are things like getting the oil changed, something about tires being rotated or going to Home Depot. Things that should take an hour but end up taking the entire afternoon. I do not doubt the validity of such errands. I just doubt that it takes three hours to accomplish them. I also doubt the assertion that they could not possibly be accomplished with a child or three in tow. I do nothing without at least one kid with me. This includes going to the gynecologist. So I'm pretty sure you can get a damn haircut with some company. I am on my own with the little boogers all week, while I drive them places and wash their clothes and feed them and read them stories and they are cursing my name and dreaming of time alone with their daddy. I say give it to them - at Home Depot - while I bask in my bi-annual hour of alone time. It's just a guess, but I reckon that if kids were required to accompany their fathers on "sneaky husband errands" Daddy would be home from Jiffy Lube in less than an hour.

    Because amen SISTERS!! Holy schniekies that pisses me right off!!

    Then I kept reading and I just kept nodding and nodding until my daughter asked if I was OK. Note she's here while the boys are at hunter's safety which conveniently runs for the next 4 freaking Saturdays and hello, they don't let 3 year olds in. UGH!

    I hate long weekends, really just weekends period. Glad I'm not the only one!!

  29. Ok, can you ladies PUH-LEEZ do a post about DHs and all the schmidt they get out of doing? And how they have no idea they come *so close* to bringing The Rage down upon themselves. My DH's argument is always all "if-I-go-by-myself-I'll-be-home-faster-to-help-out". If you go with the kids, I don't give a rats a$$ WHEN you come back! Now he's been using "if-I-take-the-kids-there-won't-be-room-for-". Grrr! And the "working lunch" he'll want to have with his friend...he'll have ONE beer and come home and have to lay down because he feels sick because "he doesn't drink very often anymore". Good thing I'm not bitter. Just sayin'.

  30. Always takes longer for a DH to do anything... makes me mad that DH can just stop at a friends after work and not worry about child care... but if I make any plans I have to jump through all the child care hoops.. I ask him to come "straight home" to get the kid at the sitters he acts like its this big issue...




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