Wednesday, May 19, 2010

What Did He Just Say?

I have been married to Cap’n Coupon for a very long time. How should I describe him? He is kind of a combination of Cary Grant, Clark Griswold and Steven Colbert.  I know, y'all.  I am a very lucky woman. He has a serious job and most people who know him have no idea how funny he is. He spends so much of his time reading things and looking stern and making recommendations and thinking about how to save money that maybe he saves up all of his absurd and silly statements just for me. I really hope so. Because the man says things that make me spray coffee out of my nose on a daily basis. Even after fifteen years, I still have no idea where these thoughts come from. Even ones I hear all the time, like when he orders me a Venti Ralph Macchio from Starbucks, still crack me up. It’s not just the words, it’s the sincerity of the delivery that kills me.

So here are some examples of the things I hear:

“Lydia, if you would empty the diaper pail I would be very happy to give you a bright, shiny nickel!”

“If you’re going to grow a mustache, go strong. Go handlebar. Look like a Civil War general. Don’t mess around with it. Don’t do a mustache half-step. You grew that thing – make it matter.”

No one can say the words “good times” without them being immediately followed by the phrase “great oldies”.

If you ask him to turn out the light, he will raise one eyebrow and say: “Who needs tomorrow?”

(While listening to “Hard Candy Christmas” by Dolly Parton, the kids flipping out because they love Dolly so much... )
Cap’n: “I realize there are only a couple of narrow categories of people who like this song.”
Lydia: “And none of them are straight men?”
Cap’n: “You’re wrong. There are the truckers.”
Lydia: “Oh right. You also love that trucker song. From a million years ago... What’s that called again?”
Cap’n:CONVOY! That song is awesome. We’re going to put that on the iPod, right? That song rules. But not the version with the muppets. No no no.” (shakes head in disgust)

“Who is that man? He lives on this street? No. He looks like a damn prospector, I think I would remember seeing him before now.  He's obviously here looking for gold.”

“Do we have to watch Glee? I know you love it, but seriously? They’re singing and doing ballet, Lydia.  I'm a married man.  Nothing about this show appeals to me.  In fact, if I wanted to watch this show, it should be a red flag.  Like me being Facebook friends with Eric Massa or Ted Haggard.  Well, that would be two red flags because I'm not on Facebook."

“You can have the big slice of cake. In fact, you can have the Kimbo Slice.”

Last weekend while driving in the Big White Tampon, all three kids started flipping out, screaming, fighting and acting like a pack of rabid howler monkeys. The Cap’n looked at me, nodded once and said with swagger: “I got this."  He then proceeded to put on the song, “Ruby Don’t Take Your Love to Town.” The kids were immediately happy and started going “Yay!” and cheerfully singing along as they seemed to know every word. I stare incredulously at my family.
Cap’n: “You see that turn-around? That’s what Kenny Rogers does to everyone who loves America.” 
Lydia: "Who loves America??"
Cap'n: "Mister Kenny Rogers has a voice like the clarion call of freedom.  His voice would be poison in the ears of Osama Bin Laden."
Lydia: (nodding in agreement) "Well, he does know when to hold them..."

“Thumbelina, please chew your strawberries with your mouth closed. You look like you’re eating a raw spleen.”

He makes frequent references to the television show “Chico and the Man." Like a deranged man who collects vintage T.V. Guides, he can make the case for why the long-forgotten series should be judged without its last season.


When he wants to antagonize our son, the Cap’n will say: “Hello, one-eyed lady.” And then Hawk will go ape-schmidt screaming: “I AM NOT A ONE-EYED LADY! Gaaahhhh!!! How many times, Daddy? How many times do I have to tell you I am not a one-eyed lady?!”

On Sunday, Hawk was babbling incoherently about Legos and Star Wars and the Cap’n was all paying attention and nodding like he understood every word. Then the Cap’n interrupted him and asked: “Did you just say Drew Henson farted"?”

“Baby? Where’s the baby? Is she in the kitchen with you? Baaaabbyy? Baby come back. Any kind of fool could see.”

And sadly, it seems that our kids are just as weird as their parents. Yesterday Thumbelina got mad at her little brother for not sharing and so she called him a bigot. Like this: “Give me the green marker! Right now! You. Are. A. BIGOT.”

And this morning, Hawk told me: “Daddy is so funny that he makes me pee like a mammal.”

Sigh… These people are crazy. Isn’t it awesome?

xo, Lydia
This completely random picture (above) is one suggested by the Cap'n. 
The dude in the tie is Gordon Brown.  Former PM of the UK. 
Like Thumbelina, the "B" word recently got him into trouble.

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