Douchewasher: (noun) much-needed household appliance which removes all jackass behavior from badly behaved men. This includes major infractions (Sandra Bullock could have used one) and smaller ones (hogging the covers, snoring, Daddy Errands and so-busy-at-work-ness). Used in context: "Is he acting right or did you have to put him in the douchewasher?" Actually, Sandra Bullock maybe needs this. Confused? Read this. Which probably means you need to read this. And! And then there's Maude!
The Old "JB": (descriptive term) Lydia just looves our esteemed Vice President. Mostly because he is a total, unapologetic blow hard. Isn't he awesome?! So in nod to his now-infamous comment, whenever she sees something that she really loves, that is a momentous, enormous thing - she gives it the Old JB.
PantTops: (noun) Article of "clothing" - barely; she shorter, skimpier, whorier version of Daisy Dukes; consists of fabric that spans the hipbone to the crotch, most predominantly worn by college students and women who don't own mirrors; discovered by Kate and Bianca when, to their horror, they saw a group of girls seemingly wearing only shirts in public. Turns out, they had on PantTops. We just couldn't see 'em.
Gitmom: (noun) What happens when your kids start getting so unruly that you have to come down on them like a ton of bricks and enforce Mommy Law with such rigid consistency that they wish they were at school, the dentist's office, Grandma's house, a federal prison on a Caribbean island - anywhere but home with you and the unyielding iron will of the Gitmom.
For Maude's sake/Oh my Maude: (exclamation) statement of incredulity or irritation that simultaneously pays homage to the Patron Saint of MommyLand and keeps Lydia from accidentally taking the name of the Lord in vain.
Spittin' Cherry Pits: (adjectives) Inspired by The Witches of Eastwick; also known as MoonBat Crazy. Condition that arises when getting your B on advances one letter in the alphabet and you become Crazy with a capital "C". Consists of making random unenforceable threats to your children or husband ("I swear to all that is holy in this world if you don't stop hitting your sister I'm going to walk down the street and give every single one of your toys to the starving children of Haiti!") Most commonly referenced during the confession-hour with your friends, as when Lydia says, "Everything was fine until I turned off the Wii, the kids melted down, the dog threw up, dinner burnt and I went completely Spittin' Cherry Pits MoonBat Crazy."MANtrum/MOMtrum: (noun) Every once in a while, Daddy (mantrum) or Mommy (momtrum) loses their schmidt and has a tantrum. Hopefully it doesn't occur in front of the kids, but sometimes it does. Then much time must be spent explaining why just because we threw a fit (the dishwasher overloaded/ the outfielder caught what clearly should have been a home run/ someone left a red crayon in the pocket of their white shorts and then put them in the laundry) does not make it OK for little people to do it. Ahem. You do it, too. Don't judge.
Sentimessal: (adjective) hybrid of sentimental and mess; clothing that you refuse to give up despite that fact that a) it's hideous; b) you look stupid in it; and c) your friends and children all groan when you wear it. In MommyLand, it applies to Kate's Boobs Akimbo T-Shirt and this pair of Lydia's clogs. [Editor's Note: She actually wore these into my house. - Kate] The only known way to rid yourself of sentimessality is ritual burning of the offensive garments. Lydia and Kate are planning theirs for next weekend. Both are simultaneously thrilled to be getting rid of each other's foul-nasty items, and kinda weepy about losing their own. Because we're sentimessal. Also, because we're jackholes. SupAwk: (noun) Hybrid of super and awkward; describes a situation where all the participants wind up looking up at the ceiling wishing they could disappear. Or turn back time. (Wait. Crap! Thank you, Cher. Now I get to hum that song for the rest of day.) Usually follows saying something stupid; term coined by Kate's 16-year old niece. To describe Kate.
Selfy Steam: (noun) Starbucks does not sell self esteem (Lydia asked). You'd think with all the whips, frappes and crappes, they'd listen to Kate and create a "Selfy Steam" concoction that would make us all happier moms. You know, a regular coffee with a Xanax or two tossed in to dissolve into all that caffienated-y goodness. We talk about them all the time now, even though they're imaginary. For example; "I'm bloated and fat as a cow. My skin looks like the crypt keeper and my hair is so over-due for striping that the top of my head looks like a cheetah's ass. I need a Selfy Steam and an UsWeekly." Then Kate hands me an imaginary one and says: "Your jugs look great today. Perky!"Share
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