Friday, June 11, 2010

The Ex Files - Volume 1

We have been asked on multiple occasions to write about ex-husbands.  We're not as well qualified as you might think to seethe and rant about our exes.  Lydia, for example, does not even have an ex-husband.  I know - she's worthless.  Kate has one, but he's actually pretty cool and they get along surprisingly well.  We understand divorce and break-ups pretty well enough. Kate obviously went through one and survived to triumph with the awesomeness that is... McLOVIN.  Lydia has seen divorce first hand, too, as both of her parents have been married three times (and her dad is rumored to be heading for #4).

We thought perhaps we could handle this subject in the same manner as the Mother-in-Law stories.  We give you the forum, you send us your worst (or best) ex-husband/baby daddy/deadbeat/former fiance/bad boyfriend/sperm donor stories and we will print them here and provide a little commentary.

If you want to send us your story, please write to us at

Here we go - and you are going to love this first one...
DB tells me he has to go on Annual Training. We are newly married and I am a fresh eyed Marine wife. So his "AT" is going to last months..... he tells me it would be better if me and new baby go to stay with his mother. I do.......DUMBASS! (I was 17)

So YEARS later I am looking for his new duty station number. Going through his work stuff I find a card.... from the girl he lived with during his make believe "AT" in my home. I say nothing - don't go all Norman Bates yet..... plotting my revenge with a 4 yr old 2 yr old while pregnant.  I cannot see a fit plan. He comes home, I still say nothing. I don't talk to him he is unsure what to make of what is going on especially with the looks of death I vaporize him with every time he walks by. I go to sleep and it comes to at 3:35 am.  I pop up out of bed, go to the garage then go to the kids room where I hid the card. Walk into our bedroom where the POS lays. I proceed to make sure he remembered her forever as I super-glued the card to the only thing he could think with. After an emergency room visit he had trouble peeing for two months. And had to have several cleanings to try to remove all the super glue. Of course I had to be at each visit....for a good cry (from laughing so damn hard)

There is nothing we can add to this little piece of perfection.  Except for this: Congratulations on your restraint.
My XH is a police officer for the city we live in. At the time of this story, my XH and I had been divorced for over a year and he was already married to the so-called "woman" he cheated on me with. I had just started dating my current (and last!) husband.

On this particular night, my boyfriend was over, so his car was parked in the driveway. EH dropped off the girl in a huff and walks out. I'm not entirely surprised by this, but whatever. He calls in about 5 minutes to tell me I need to tell my "man" that his license plate sticker is expired and he needed to get it fixed before he got pulled over. That was irritating enough, since I knew he would be working in 2 hours, and would likely search for my BF's car, but the next day took the cake.

He sent me a crazy long email detailing all types of things about my new "man" that I knew meant he had spent most of his night researching. He knew his full name, and referred to him as such, which cracked me up since only his mother calls him that, he knew his last few addresses, that he had more than his fair share of speeding tickets as a young man, the school district he lives in, and then demanded to know about his 2 boys, and all types of details about my BF's life that he had to be on CRACK to think I was sharing. He said it was his right to know. Uh, no. Suck it.

I was livid! I still have that email. I'm never letting go of that piece of crazy. I also have the letter where my lawyer advised him to knock off the crazy in the most delightful way, lol.

We would have said to the EX: "We totally understand your concern.  Here's what you need to know: He has a MUCH BIGGER WEINER than you.  He's also not a philandering douchebag.  So its all good."

When my ex-husband moved out he stole all the spoons. And those little things that turn on lamps. Not switches, obviously, the ones that go right under the bulbs. He did douchier things later, but I thought those were actually pretty funny.

That is so frigging random.  We love it.  What was he thinking? Was he like: 

"You can have the butter knives, damnit - But. Not. My. Spoons.  NEVER MY SPOONS!  Try eating cereal without me - or soup.  YOU CAN'T DO IT.  Also, I have just made it more difficult for you to illuminate your apartment when it is dark outside.  So suck on THAT.  When that moment comes, when you want some Raisin Bran at night and it's soooo dark and there are no spoons - that's when you will know the REAL REGRET of having let THIS MAN slip through your fingers."

The ex and I were living together for about a year when I got pregnant with my first child. I knew he had cheated on me by six months into the relationship. I chose to accept his apology and ignore his excuses for the rest of our time together. My fault, I know, but here's the kicker. Approximately three months after our son was born, we split up and he confesses this to me: When I was pregnant, with his first son, he had sex with two other women, then came home and had sex with me all in the same night.
Our son is 15 1/2 and it still makes me angry to this day.

Oh. My. Dear. Sweet. Lord.  Were you by any chance married to Charlie Sheen?  Tiger Woods?  Probably not.  They're both still alive.  We're assuming your former husband is dead?  Because you found this out and then committed justifiable homicide?  No?  You let him live?  Are you Mother Theresa or something?  Because if it were me, he'd still be walking with a limp.  A simple rule, gentleman - when your wife is pregnant - DON'T PLAY SKANK TAG.   
I was 7 months pregnant with my third child, when my ex wakes tells me that he has a girlfriend and the only reason he is telling me about her is because he got busted and someone else was going to tell me if he didn't. I went into labor that day...he accused me of 'over-reacting' and forcing myself into labor to get attention. Uh huh...cause that is soooo much fun! I was planning to have my baby at home so I went to see the mid wife and she confirmed that I was in pre-term labor and was dilated to 3 cm and put me on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. He claimed to have broken it off with his tramp but the last 3 months of my pregnancy were super fun.

When the happy day came for my baby boy to come into the world, I called him at work at about 12:00 in the afternoon and told him I thought I was in labor. He said he had a couple of minor things to take care of and he would head home. He strolled in the door 9 and a half HOURS later. I found out a couple of days after my son was born that he had to have a date with the whore (and sex too) before he could come home to the birth of his child (remember he told me they broke up 3 months earlier).

I was in labor for 2 days with the baby, it was slow going but not too painful until around midnight the following night. I woke him up and asked him to call the midwife because my contractions were regular and starting to hurt. So he calls her while I got into the bathtub. She says "How far apart are the contractions?" He says "I don't know, I was asleep."  She says "Time them for a while and then call me back."

He comes and asks me how far apart they are, I say "I don't know, maybe 5 mins, I haven't been timing them."  He points the bathroom clock in my direction and goes back to bed. Couple of hours later, I wake him up again and say "Call the midwife, this is really starting to suck."  He calls her and they have the same conversation they had before.  And he goes BACK TO SLEEP. I wake him up again around 5 a.m. and tell him to GET HER HERE! He calls again and for the third time she asks how far apart they are, this time he tells her "SHE SAYS they are about 3 mins apart." The mid wife says "I will start heading over there, I am going to call you in a half an hour and you tell me how many contractions she has had, in the meantime, put her in the tub."

I take one step on my way up the stairs and get hit with one of those wonderful transition contractions and hit the stairs and STAY there for the whole half an hour. The mid wife calls again and says "How many contractions has she had?"  He says "She says she has had one long one and it hasn't stopped" I can hear her on the phone yell "SH*T, I'm not going to make it!!" and know this is not good!

Right about then I have this urge to hang over the kitchen sink and vomit...I stayed there until my son was born, right there on the kitchen floor with my amazing ex-husband just staring at me like "WTF are you doing????" I delivered my son alone all because my useless sperm doner was uninterested if either of us lived or died.

OK.  That is one worst things I have ever heard and my blood pressure is spiking.  Seriously?  He should go to jail for this.  Where is he at!?  Right now!?  Cause Kate and I are coming for him.  He better protect his testicles (protesticles = awesome new word I just made up) because Kate's bringing her flat iron...

My sperm donor is such a moron. Every year, during the time changes, he brings our son back home from his weekend an hour late (or earlier). It never fails, he just can't grasp the concept of the time change.

That's special.  But in an effort to be totally honest, I have a friend who goes home to England all the the time and I have never once in six years figured out when its OK to call her.  Because I'm an idiot.  And apparently, so is your ex-husband.   

My ex turned out to be the King of the Assholes, but ...

One thing he would just go furious crazy over is corn. I was not 'allowed' to buy corn because it was obviously an entire waste of money since it wasn't digested by the body (aka corn-shit ... you know, lol). Seriously! WWIII started the day he caught me enjoying some buttered-and-peppered corn. *eye roll*

Lydia had a BAD experience with fecal corn once...  And this picture says it all, but seriously?  What a d-bag.

Okay, my ex husband stupidness happens on a daily basis but this one I just got a kick out of. A little back story on our "relationship." We have a son together, he is almost 14 years old. My ex husband has seen him one time since he was 4 months old. And the ONLY REASON he was there then was because he had to go to court for non-payment of child support.  He's pretty near 30K behind...

As of right now we haven't been able to afford for my husband to adopt my son, so unfortunately he still carries A**ho*es last name legally, but he chooses in every other aspect of his life to use my husbands last name.  I mean he is the one that has raised him since he was 2 years old. Now time for the ex's stupidness to rear it's ugly head.

He sends me a message on facebook..."Since when is our son's last name Smith?"

So of course I send a message back... "Since he chooses to use that last name, I mean it's not like he knows who you are."

To which he replies... "Well you are the one that took him out him away from me, thanks for taking away my chance to be a father."

I moved away back home to Ohio when my son was 4 months old.  So of course I made sure he knows why I moved away too... "You chose drugs over your son and your wife. I told you from the jump that if I ever found out that you were using again there would be no second chances." 

I get this back from him..."Piss off!" and blocked.

LOL! Yet his "son" has a facebook page as well and he has YET to add him or even try to speak to him.

For Pete's Sake... Glad to see he still has his priorities straight.  Because when it comes right down to it, do you know what matters most?  THE NAME YOU USE ON FACEBOOK.  Obviously. And of course he hasn't "friended" his own son.  Why would he?  It could be embarrassing.  His network of FB friends would see that his own son chooses to take another man's name.  And that would make your ex-husband LOOK LIKE he's a bad father.  What a terrible burden that would be for him.

Open Letters to Father of The Year. Things I want badly to say but have been advised by my attorney not to. Letter 1

Dear Father of the Year,

I wanted to remind you that I am no longer your wife, and have never been your mother, therefore it is not my responsibility to handle your affairs.

I politely explained to you that you had been sent notices via US Mail regarding our daughter's testing for learning disabilities and meetings to discuss the testing. Your response, "I don't know where they would have sent them" honestly did not surprise me. I affectionately told you they likely sent them to the the address they have on file for you, as that is usually where people mail things, likely the last one you gave them. You then replied, "well you should have given them my correct address."

Hmmm... and what would your correct address be? I don't think your truck has a mailbox, so should it be your sister whose couch you sleep on's address or your girlfriend who allows you to stay there but not really live there's address? And if we were to determine which of those is the correct address, why is it my responsibility to update the school of YOUR whereabouts? Again, let me remind you, I am not your mother and am no longer your wife. You did not want my services, you rendered them useless, determined that you could take better care of yourself than I had for so many years. Therefore, it is no longer my responsibility to inform the school of YOUR correct address. You might want to take care of that quickly, as we have another meeting next week. Oh, and please let me know where I should mail this to.

Lots of Love, Skinny Bitch

Oh Skinny B.  You should always listen to your lawyer.  We have watched A LOT of Law & Order, so trust us.  We know of what we speak.  Don't send these letters - let us post them for you.  YOU ROCK.

That's it for now - check back in a couple of hours for Volume 2.
xo, Kate & Lydia 

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  1. These are all excellent, but I really love the very logical reasoning for not buying corn. HAHAHA.

  2. I'm still LMAO over the spoons.....

  3. Ahhh, all of these women have so much more patience than I. If it were me, any/all of the above jackasses would be on the missing person's list right now...or I'd be in prison!

  4. My ex is real peach. he even looks like Henry VIII (obese and beady cruel eyes)

  5. The spoons reminded me of my ex. He's actually a pretty nice guy but when he was moving his stuff out, I was gone for the day and he went a little silly. He took the loveseat (but not the sofa); one end table (he left the other one & the matching coffee table); the coaxial cable for my computer; two of the 4 matching bathroom towels and half of the matching dishes. Talk about equitable division of assets! I really wish he had taken the entire set of dishes and left the entire set of towels (or vice versa), instead of breaking up the sets.

  6. Because we no longer want to be married to each other and don’t want to make each other a single parent, my baby daddy & I are continuing to live together even after our separation. We own the house together. He’s moved downstairs, leaving the upstairs to our child and myself, and we very much co-parent, quite nicely, actually. Does it make this hot-mama-whose-just-trying-to-keep-the-peace a total whack job for agreeing to PAY HIM RENT each month for the part of his house he’s not living in that I am living in now? (Did I mention I own 1/2 the house? (Please tell me there’s someone else in this situation? Anybody living w/ your baby daddy out of choice?)

  7. Oi - I'm such a horrible best friend!! My DH actually said OHHH EMMM GEEE!! SKinny Bitch is posting on Rants! (Yup that's right ladies, you're so effing amazing that even my DH in Afghanistan is checking you out and reading things for entertainment!)

    Keep up the good work ladies!!

    ~ Fat Girl




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