Friday, June 11, 2010

The Ex Files - Volume 2

Let the ranting re-commence!

Open Letters to Father of The Year. Things I want badly to say but have been advised by my attorney not to. Letter 2

Dear Father of the Year,

I understand that you somehow feel wronged because I am now pursuing full custody of our children, which really have for sometime been my children with whom you visit with infrequently as your schedule and unpriorities allow. As you explained your rationale for this last night , "I've had a rough time, but now I'm back on my feet. I'm going to be more careful about my decisions." I thought, a rough time, huh?

A rough time that has lasted, oh I don't know, three. effing. years.

And now you are back on your feet eh, as in one of the stipulations of your Momma paying for your attorney is that you move into one of her rental houses and feed your children with the food that she purchased and put in your refrigerator.

And you are going to be more careful about your decisions. Like your decision to go back to your current whore of the quarter, whom has been in and out of jail and continues to drive. Without. A. License. Despite. Repeated. Convictions. For. This. Offense.

Let me tell you what we Mom's do when we have a rough time, we suck it up. That's right, you don't know that the last three years of my life, picking up for your slack, has been a rough time too, because, I put my big girl panties on (clean ones every day mind you) and DEAL. WITH. IT.

That's right, despite the fact that you cheated on me, left me for bartrash and refused to pay child suport, our (scratch that) MY children still have clean clothes (don't judge because they are still in the laundry basked unfolded, they are clean) , food on the table every night (even if sometimes its cereal) and their own beds to sleep in (not an air mattress on the floor of my friend's I stay there but I don't live there house). I help them with their homework, shuttle them to each and every athletic practice and game and spend time with them. And at the end of every day they tell me that I'm the best mom in the world, and they aren't being snarky when they say it, like I am when I call you Father.Of.The.Year.

So I'm sorry that you are now faced with seeing your children every other weekend, which is more than you do now anyway. Put your big boy panties (yes I said big boy panties, clean ones preferably) on and Suck. IT. UP.

Lots of Love, Skinny Bitch, a.k.a. by MY children, Best Mom In.THE. WORLD.

Another great one, Skinny B.  You BAD ASS.
My ex-husband really isn't that bad but there are two things at the end that I think are funny. The first is, he showed up about a year after we had been seperated, we hadn't even spoken in like 9 months, and wanted me to just come back home with him. When I told him no and that I was home, he flipped out, started calling me a B***h and telling me how many women he had slept with and what kind of drugs he had done since I had left. I told him I didn't care and he left. Now he is married to the woman who was the Maid-of-honor in our wedding. She recently told me that it was all my fault they were together and that I should be over it by now.

Maid of Honor?  She sounds like she could use an honor-iffic kick in the taco.  We'd have been all: "Get over it? I am over it, Hooker.  And you can KEEP HIM." 

We were together for 11 years, married for 5 years. We had three kids in three years (2 out of 3 planned), my oldest having turned three a month before my youngest was born. And with a two week old, a 21 month old, and a 3 yr old he informed that we were interfering in his life and he packed his bag and moved out.

Then proceeded to spend the next three years complaining how expensive it was to run two households and that I should get a job (while caring for the children 6 days a week) and take some responsibility for myself - all the while trying to claim that his $500,000 a year company is going bankrupt and he can't afford child support. Meanwhile he is spending money on himself to the tune of $300,000 in one year.

But . . . I got the house, the van, THE CHILDREN, and spousal support until my youngest starts grade 1, which means that I am able to stay home with my babies as we had always planned.

And he got his freedom, which incidentally is the name of the bearded dragon he got right after he left.

He moved out when your youngest was two weeks old?!  What the WHAT?! Did that poor man have post-partum?  From carrying and delivering the baby?  Oh THAT's right.  He didn't do any of those things.  We are so glad you got everything in the divorce because we're not lawyers or anything but we're pretty sure you could have run him over with your mini-van and not done any hard time.

So, I have to say, for the most part, my ex is a pretty good guy. Typical male “duh” moments (the ability to step over laundry repeatedly, and then be surprised that there is no clean underwear in his drawer), but nothing major.  However, he can be completely oblivious. Completely.

Last weekend was my 7 year old daughter’s last baseball game. It happened to be ex’s weekend. I arrived at the 12:30 game, set up my chair behind home plate, and got comfortable. Pretty soon, the game is ready to start. My little girl is first out of the dugout, top of the batting order.

And her pants are on backwards.

Yep – drawstring hanging out the back, pocket in the front backwards.  So I look at her dad, and said “OMG – her pants are on backwards!” and he says “Huh – well, it’s not my fault, she dressed herself”.  Of course she did! She’s 7! And fully capable of dressing herself. However, as her 34 year old father, don’t you think you’d at least *glance* at the child before leaving the house for an event where she is going to be spending time as the center of attention…you’d think that. But you’d be wrong.


And yes, I did make her go fix it.

I would blame your ex husband for this kind of stupidity, but it seems disingenuous coming from someone who accidentally wears her clothes inside out (with an alarming degree of frequency) and is almost never without a coffee stain on her boobs.


This is an ex-boyfriend story. Foolishy, rebound-y & love drunk, my BF & I got a house together after only dating for 6 months. We both had 2 kids from our 1st marriages & got along great. Fast forward a year & half after we move in together. We start talking about getting married, pick out a ring & all is well & good.

His son who was 14 at the time was pretty scrawny for his age (little late starting puberty) so my lovely ex (let's call him LaDouche) decides he wants to put his son on testosterone shots so his son can "better his chances" of getting scouted in hockey. To this day I have no idea how he got the kid's doctor to go along with this. It took about 2 months for the shots to kick it & when they did, the boy's temper turned him into full blown Hulk. And you don't want to see Hulk angry!

Well at the point it turned into everything I did was wrong (didn't make his dinner right, didn't like all our house decorations, didn't train the dog right, you name it). It got so bad that Ladouche said his son wanted me to move out because son wasn't happy with me. Now mind you the boy's mom left them when he was 10 & moved to another state to become a flight attendant & my ex was her 2nd hubby. When the boy got home the ex & I sat down w/ him & he started flipping out & tried to push me down the stairs (my 2 & 4 y/o kids were asleep at the time, thank god).

So my ex says, "I can't handle this stress, you deal with him" & left me & his kid in the house. The boy's mom was called & was *kind* enough to stop in a few nights later while she was on a layover so we could discuss this. While all of us were in our family room (me, my ex, his son, son's mom & her new hubby), son whips out a steak knife & holds it to my throat & tells me he'll kill me & my kids if I don't move out. I told my ex & his ex we need to get authorities involved but was told by them that will never happen because they're afraid the boy will go to jail.

So I started packing mine & my kids things & looking for an apartment & moved out within a few weeks. Ex shows up at new place & tries to take all "our" stuff back because his son thinks it's theirs. Ex follows me home from various places, shows up at my work, calls/texts/emails 35+ times a day. Ugh he turned just plain batshit crazy. Had to call the cops, block his #'s/email addresses from my home phone, cell phone, work phone/ work security escorted him off premises a few times.

Ok, want the cake topper now??? Come to find out (via the lovely credit agencies) that ex got a hold of all my personal info/ss# & took out credit cards in my name so I got whammed with almost $10k. I just got that cleared up about a year & a half ago. I've since moved to another town because I wanted to be far away from where he & I lived & where the apartment was that I had first moved into. Even though we broke up over 2 years ago & he's moved to another state, I still do a double-take when I see a car like the one he used to drive.......will it ever get better???

LaDouche fed his 14 yr old son HOROMONES in order to better the child's chances of getting an athletic scholarship?  May I suggest a little thing called "practicing"? LaDouche is a murthfurkin PSYCHO and his poor kid's problem might just be hereditary.  Thank Maude you and your kiddos got out of there!  Even if he did move away, you need to get yourself a nice, big sock fulla quarters - just to help with The Fear.

My ex is my daughters sperm donor biological father.  She was two years old when I finally left him. He (I mean his girlfriend) paid child support, until of course they split up and then he had to pay it himself. It was always a struggle and we seemed to always have appointments & hearings with Domestic Relations, because that’s how I want to spend my vacation days from work.

Anyway, I always gave him a break with child support…if they said he should pay $500 a month, I said I would take $250 instead. He didn’t have any other bills, as he lived in his parents basement, but I wanted to keep the peace for my daughters sake.

So, flash-forward to when our daughter is 9. A hearing was scheduled with domestic relations (because he again wasn’t paying his support). All of a sudden, he says he can’t afford to pay child support (remember – the man boy has NO bills, and had a full-time job). This annoyed me, because I always gave him a break (even though we were struggling financially), so…I asked the caseworker what the maximum was that he could pay. She said $450 a month and I told her that is what I wanted.

Oh…let the temper tantrum begin.  Nothing like a grown man stomping his feet and saying “It’s not fair.” So, because he is a genius, and thought it would scare me, he said “Fine, then I will just terminate my rights and your husband can adopt her.” Without missing a beat, I said “That’s fine, you never wanted her anyway” But deep down I just wanted to cry.

I didn’t think he would actually go through with it, he had never finished anything in life before. A few days after that meeting though I was notified by an attorney he hired to handle the termination of rights and adoption.

So, while he is a bad ex, more so, this is a bad father story. How do you tell your 9 year old daughter that her father no longer wants her? That money is more important to him than she is? Maybe I should have taken the bait and dropped the amount down, but would that have been any better for her? For me?

In the end though, there wasn’t much to do, he was adamant about terminating his parental rights, even if my husband didn’t adopt her. Which he did, because that’s what a good man does. I do feel bad for her biological father sometimes though, like at her elementary school graduation, or her first performance in something, or just when she smiles one of her great smiles, because he’s missing all of it, he’s missing the opportunity to watch her grow into the beautiful woman she will become. And when she does, she’s probably going to hunt him down and kick his ass.

I hope she does kick his ass.  I hope at her High School or college graduation or wedding or when she gets a PhD or wins American Idol, that he comes crawling out of the woodwork to beam with pride at his beautiful daughter and she squares up on him and nails him square in his baby-maker.  ASS HAT!  I hope he enjoys living in his parents basement FOREVER.  Stupid dickwad.

Oh and give your new husband a high five from me.  You traded up, sister.
Open Letters to Father of The Year. Things I want badly to say but have been advised by my attorney not to. Letter 3

Father of the Year,

I saw you recently commented on a mutual friend's facebook status. “Mutual Friend” is just going to sit back and let Karma do her job on this one.

FOYO: karma is such a bitch....wait, isn't that wat pay backs are supposed to be?

I just wanted to take a moment to clarify for your sake, paybacks are when your babies momma's treat you like the shit you are and deserve, karma is when babies momma's are nice to you even though you don't deserve it and sit back and watch life square up and kick you in the nads. (editor's note, yes he has two babies momma's.. his youngest daughter is 2 and he left her mother when she was 7 months pregnant with her, he does not pay child support for her either and has kept her overnight less than 5 times in the 2 years that she's been born.)

Hope that clarifies the difference between Karma and pay backs for you. And you are right, both are a bitch, but Karma is so much more fun.

Lots of Love, Skinny Bitch

P.S. Wat is spelled What. I don't know if that's karma or if you are really that dumb.

Skinny B, we think he's really that dumb...
Also, what's with the douches all on Facebook making ridiculous comments and sending bizarre messages?  BLOCK THEM, people.  Isn't that what they mean when people say 'cock block'?  I'm just saying... 

Check back in a few hours for the next round of Ex Files!

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