Friday, June 11, 2010

The Ex-Files - Volume 3

Even more ranting!  If you've missed Volume 1 or Volume 2, click away...

Open Letters to Father of The Year. Things I want badly to say but have been advised by my attorney not to. Letter 4

Dear Father of the Year,

I appreciate your contacting me 3 days before school is out with a suggestion regarding summer care for our children. Your forward thinking to let me know that you have an idea prior to the day school gets out shows vast improvement on your part. However, I have already taken care of summer care quite some time ago.

In addition, I appreciate your suggesting that your step-sister help with watching the girls since she is now unemployed and is staying home with her two children. I am, however, concerned by your feeling that this is an acceptable environment for our children for the summer.

In case you need reminding, her personal life is in as much shambles as yours. Your step sister currently does not have a driver's license, as it has been revoked for driving under the influence a second time. This first time, her influence was not alcohol, which was substantiated by the fact that the father of her children had to "drag her by her hair to rehab" while she was pregnant with her oldest son. The second offense was in the middle of the afternoon in which she hit a telephone pole so hard it was uprooted on a street with a posted speed limit of 30. She also stole credit cards from your parents and accumulated several thousand dollars in fraudulent charges.

So, again, thank you for your prompt suggestion of such a fine upstanding citizen to care for our children this summer, but I. Got. This.

Lots of Love, Skinny Bitch

What the WHAT?! It sounds like his maybe his sister is an even bigger hotshot than he is.  If all this is true and he thinks having her watch your kids is a good idea he needs a check up from the neck up.  But I mean - other then the drugs and drinking and criminal offenses and consistent lack of good judgement - it sounds like she's a professional nanny - what could you possibly object to?

My ex was a pizza-delivery guy when I met him. He was also a "Muslim" (though he never practiced any of the Muslim traditions or went to mosque - hence the snarky quotes). During our marriage he gave me a horrible time about my being a Christian. But after we divorced, he decided out of nowhere that he wanted to be a Catholic priest! He got really into it, carrying rosaries around and taking our kids to Mass, though he had never wanted me to take them to church. This went on for about a year or so. Now, while he has decided to 'follow' Catholicism, he no longer wants to be a priest as far as I know.

He has been trying to be a pre-school teacher lately. This makes me laugh since he doesn't even want to take care of his OWN children! Somewhere in between pizza-delivery and the priest "thing" there were also a few years of trying to be a rock star,which included in his words, "two national tours" that in reality were actually a van full of guys, crossing only a few state lines, hoping to get a gig somewhere (ANYWHERE!), crashing on anyone's floor they could.

And there was the time, after he figured he might not actually be a rock star, that he wanted to try out to be the next Bruins goalie! He seriously thought he could make it, even though he sucks at even "beer league" level! He was extremely upset when I reminded him that tryouts were the same day as our son's field day, not to mention on the other side of the country! It was all my fault that he couldn't be in the NHL! OY! I honestly don't care what he does at this point, as long as he finds a way to pay his child support!!! Lol!

You know, you are really a big PARTY POOPER.  If you can dream it, you can BE IT.  Lydia for example is ready to commence her career as a Vampire Slayer.  It could happen!  The next time he decides on a new and random career choice - tell him that's awesome but it will have to wait as you are just starting a new job as a professional Barrel Racer on the women's rodeo circuit.  And you're taking classes to become a licensed Acupuncturist and would he mind if you practiced on him?  With some rusty nails?
My ex does all the regular whacktacular things that ex-husbands/dads do including forgetting to use sunscreen resulting in half dollar (do they still make those?) size blisters, feeding the punks loads of sugar and fries, not bathing them or making them brush their teeth. You get the idea...

One thing he did after we split was to make a less than obvious purchase. Instead of a new sports car, wave runner, or motorcycle, he bought a tanning bed. Yep, you read that right. Had to get hot for the babes.

In January when he came to get the punks for their weekend daddy adventure, he put them in the car and came back to give me the news that he had asked his snitch to marry him. He basically dropped the bomb and left. Luckily I have the best friends in the whole world who swooped in to rescue me from myself. Soon after, he pronounced that they would be going to our church as a family. My church. The one I grew up in. The one I had to beg and plead with him to go to. The one where he daydreamed and slept through most sermons. I promptly informed him that if he ever stepped foot in the church, it would be the last time I would be there.

His snitch decided to email me back and act as if I was being ridiculous and that they thought it would be best for the boys to provide a consistent place to go to church. I informed her that a new place would be good for them, give them a new perspective, find your own freaking church. Then I asked him questions he couldn't answer and that was the end of that.

Fast forward past many stupid events to the month of the wedding. After asking him for the 12th time if he was leaving town after the wedding, so I would know if he was going to get the boys on his usual night, he sends me his HONEYMOON ITINERARY. Yep, thanks douchebag, I wanted to know you're taking her to a place I always wanted to go to. Awe.Some. He then proceeded to tell me details I didn't want to know like he needed to get the boys early to get fitted for tuxes...he is 47, she is 46. Really? I hope you enjoy people making fun of you behind your back.

THEN...while on his 10 day honeymoon, he begins to send pictures to my phone of him(alone) in that absolutely beautiful place. Needless to say, I was speechless. Who sends their ex-wife pics of themselves on their honeymoon? This ain't no sitcom, jackhole.

By the way, I am younger, smarter, and prettier than his new snitch.

He sent you pictures of himself on his honeymoon?  He probably had a really nice base tan, what with him owning his own tanning bed and all.  Seriously, not to sound like Liz Lemon but that's a damn DEAL BREAKER.  Who on earth would date a dude who owned his own tanning bed?  Does he think he's Tom Jones?  "The ladies just a loooove a sun-kissed complexion.  I'm gonna be the biggest PIMP in town with my new tan and my new divorce and my bad ass attitude."  What a douche-canoe.

My ex is worthy of a book but I'll try to keep it to a short list...

He is 17 years older than me and my first daughter was born when I was 17, you do the math. That should have been my first clue but I married him on my 18th birthday.

He spent years trying to talk me into having 10 kids and I insisted we stop at 3. For someone that wanted so many kids, he sure didn't act like it later. When I found out I was pregnant with #3, which he was well aware we were trying for, I called and told him at work and he said "Dammit, she's pregnant again."

He cheated on me with a man. He met this man online, gave him directions to the nearest intersection, and walked home so the guy could follow him. He did the deed in the garage while I slept with 3 kids inside the house He woke me up to brag about it later. Despite all this, he won't shop at Kroger because they support the homosexual agenda. Whatever that means.

We renewed our vows after 4 years of marriage (before the above story happened) and he let my cousin/maid of honor feel him up under the table that night. I didn't find out for almost 2 years and we were already split up by then.

Holy CRAP, Batman.  The thing with your cousin is super-douchey but I really can't get past the whole thing in your garage.  Your Prince Charming of an ex-husband sounds like he really needs a visit from Kate and Lydia.  Kate will wear her pointiest Choos and I will bring Bad Mommy.  We won't actually hurt him, just educate him on the "Mommy Agenda" and then make him walk into Kroger's and scream:

"Everyone!  Please listen up! I like to take it in the can from random internet dudes! But I'm such a piece of crap that I also claim to hate homosexuals. And I can't see the irony in that because I'm such a stupid, useless, sack of hair! Thank you!  That is all!"  
Let’s start with the first douche bag thing my ex did and that was ask for a divorce while I was 3 months pregnant with my 3rd child as a SAHM.

While I was pregnant he told me that he was the one who had done all the raising of our first 2 kids so he should have full custody. Even though he was constantly deployed and I was a stay at home mom, but then after baby was born calling every 10 minutes while I got out for a 2 hours between feeding breaks and then telling me “do you know that taking care of kids all alone is hard?” even though I stayed home nearly 24/7 with a newborn, a 6yo and a 10yo by myself.

Even though I was breastfeeding, my ex switched to formula without telling me because it was just easier, but blamed my diet for the baby’s constipation.

(Lydia here.  I would have squared up.  There would have been no stopping me)

Then he proceeded to let me know that my kids didn’t spend enough quality time with me and I needed to work harder at that even though I had no family around, had to clean, cook, go to online school, shop and take care of a baby by MYSELF while my kids were on summer break.

Meeting me at chuck e cheese to take the kids for his days for a birthday party but showing up without a diaper bag or anything else to actually care for the baby and then asking for my stuff, even though when I was pregnant I gave him a fully stocked diaper bag because I knew he was too stupid to make one himself.

He actually wrote a letter to tell me that me that going on dates while he has the kids is a bad influence on the children.

When the baby started sleeping through the night I would drop him off and the ex would put him to bed as soon as I dropped him off and then demand I come over and wake him up so that I could take him home. Because God forbid the baby might wake he actually said because “he needed his beauty sleep”. He screamed all the way to my house too.

Having a screaming contest with the kids ten minutes before he knows I’m on my way to pick them up for CHURCH.

Telling my kids he purposely fed them sugary foods before I came to pick them up so our road trip would suck because my toddler handles sugar like a meth fiend.

We split Thanksgiving and he was to have them in the morning and feed them lunch, I got them for dinner. He waited till 4pm to feed them right before he brought them to my house for dinner. So I’d cooked all day, we waited around starving for them to come over and then they weren’t hungry.

He was taking the kids on a vacation but hadn’t done laundry and said he wanted me to pack the kids’ clothes that I have at my house so he could take them on vacation with him.
(Is he related to Randy?  That sounds douchey enough to be Randy move.)

While he was already out of town on business he called to ask if I would go over to his house to feed his cat and that he hadn’t bothered to arrange anyone else and knew I’d just do it for him or the kids’ pet cat would die. Nice guilt trip, jackhole.

He had a birthday party for my daughter at his house and asked me to contribute the goody bags for the party, which I was not invited to. Another year he wanted us to split birthday party costs and share a b-day party with his girlfriend’s friend’s daughter at their friend’s house (who I’d never even met and neither had my daughter). Um, SupAwk perfectly describes that scenario.
(NO GOODY BAGS, you ASS HAT! Don't you know anything?)

I made plans to go out of town for a 10K race with my boyfriend during my ex’s weekend with the kids. My ex called last minute to say he had a business trip and I had to take the kids. I told him I would but I was going to be out of town with my boyfriend (who later became hubby #2) just as a heads up and that I would change my hotel plans so that we could stay in separate rooms. Not good enough, he wanted me to pay a sitter for the weekend (HIS weekend) or leave the BF behind, but it’s hard to run 6.2 miles carrying 3 kids. What gets me is that he wasn’t going to pay a sitter while he went out of town on his weekend.

We split Halloween one year with me taking them first then the kids spending the night and going another round of trick-or-treating with their Dad. When they left my house they were wearing face paint and costumes and had been pretty sweaty since we were trick or treating outdoors and live in the south where it’s still hot and sticky that time a year. When they were returned to me the next morning they were still in their costumes and smeared makeup still all over their faces. They had gone out again, but never got bathed or changed, and wore their nasty costumes to sleep too.

Your ex sounds like a really awesome combination of "thinks he's the best parent ever" and "can't manage a f**king thing by himself" and "I judge you so much that I should be called Judgey McJudgerson".  How do you not slap him with a sandwich every time you see him??   

When our oldest was an infant her daddy worked 2nd shift and mommy worked during the day. He would often fall asleep while on watch. One day I got a call that he had sat her on the couch by him (I believe she was 3 months old at the time but he expected her to stay in a sitting position) and he then started to stretch and rub his eyes. Unlike a mommy who does not take time to do either, or at best rubs one eye at a time, he actually had both eyes closed for some time. Then he heard a thud. He looked down and our precious was on the floor after a complete 360 flip.

A few months later she had a terrible diaper rash and it was recommended that we let her go commando for a while during the day. He had her pack n play all set up in front of the tv with PBS playing. Then took a nap. When he woke up he saw that she was eating something, but could not remember giving her anything to eat. It was her own poop.
(Wait.  That was gross wasn't it?)

A few years ago he took the kids hiking. I think they were 3 and 5 at the time. He also took along a friend, his wife, and their 3 kids. He prides himself on his keen sense of direction, having served in the Marine Corps for 5 years and training in the desert. Besides, this was a state park with lots of arrows. Yet that afternoon I had still not heard from them. I kept calling his cell but he didn't have a signal. I wasn't worried so much as annoyed. When I finally reached him he told me that they had gotten lost. He had to carry a sleeping 3 year old around for a couple hours. The 5 year old was a trooper though and kept up. Finally the ran into a jogger who pointed the way out.

Maybe the USMC in its infinite wisdom, trained him WRONG so he wander off into the desert and never come back.  Wouldn't surprise me.  Just don't let him take the kids the next time he decides to go hiking...

I was a brand new mommy, had just put on hold my very rewarding career to become a SAHM and my new little darling was sick for the first time (3 months old). Now my baby thundered vomit for about 3 hours between 11 and 2 am, most of which landed in my cleavage because I held him constantly that entire day. I was crazy, stumbling tired and I finally got the baby to bed. At 3am I woke with an urgent need to upchuck...I sprint to the bathroom and begin to wretch...oh I could have won a medal for the back spasming barfing. I did this for about 30 minutes until I was covered in sweat and weak...very weak. I called to ex hubby, no answer. I pleaded for help to scoop me up off the floor and get me to bed, no answer. I called one last time in that urgent voice, enough to be heard but not loud enough to wake poor sick baby...finally an answer...ex hubby responded,"SHHHH I'm trying to sleep."


That was the moment I knew he would be an ex husband one day. I fell asleep on.the.bathroom.floor. (so so wrong) and was woken up at 5am by ex hubby holding crying sick baby out to me...I needed to get up to help little darling was early after all.....AAARRGGGHHH!!

Oh yes.  The Puking Episode.  We've all been there.  I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone.  It really is a litmus test; how you handle The Puking Episode.  And of course, it's karmic - what comes around, goes around - and often out of both ends.  Here's hoping he learned that lesson the hard way.

That's all the ex-husband bashing and ranting we have for now!  Check back this weekend, as we'll be posting a Ex-Files Volume 4 and our big lessons learned from all the horror stories.  Because I for one, am thinking my husband is looking pretty awesome right now...

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