Saturday, June 12, 2010

The Ex Files - Volume 4

This is it!  The last of our Ex-Files!
I despise Chinese food. I will eat fortune cookies - that is it - and half of the reason that fortune cookies are acceptable is because they don't SMELL like Chinese food. The aroma of General Tso's Chicken or Beef & Broccoli or anything beyond plain white rice nauseates me. Seven years ago, while I was about in Hour Number 25 of labor, laying in the hospital bed, drugged and semi-conscious, my darling (ex) husband decided it was time for lunch. He said he'd be back in a few minutes. He returned with ...yup, Chinese food, for himself AND his mother. The smell brought me out of my drug-induced haze - and still, to this day, all I can think is WTF?!? They ate there in my room, where the smell lingered for hours, from which I couldn't escape!!

My (ex)husband did not take any time off of work when the baby was born (despite the fact that he and his father run their own small construction business); but, there's bills to pay, right? Fast forward about two weeks. I have a brand new baby, and I'm getting adjusted to being a new mom. My ex decided that would be a good time to have his wisdom teeth taken out - voluntarily - and takes a Friday off of work to have it done. Of course, I had to drive him to and from the oral surgeon's... trying to help load a doped-up man much larger than myself into the car is tough enough, let alone with a new baby (oh and those still-sore muscles in sensitive places.) For the next two days, I had TWO helpless babies to care for. ...Oh, and did I mention that I still had my wisdom teeth? which had given me terrible trouble for years? Or that he never had any problems with his teeth to prompt him to have them pulled? Or the fact that in month #4 of pregnancy, half of one of MY teeth cracked and broke, or that the dentist wouldn't pull it at the time because I was pregnant? Unfortunately, after we paid for HIS teeth to be pulled, there just wasn't enough in our budget to have mine pulled. (And seven years later, I still haven't had it done.)

We divorced less than two years later. :) and the jackhole pays zero alimony and zero child support. What a sweetheart!

As to the Chinese food, may I suggest you place a REALLY BIG ORDER -- include the *special* off-the-menu offerings like fish heads and duck's feet and the particularly "aromatic" ones. Then let it sit in a cooler in the hottest part your driveway for about, oh let's say, 6 days. THEN take it over to his house, preferably on a day when his sunroof is open or the car windows unlocked. AND THEN remind him just how *fantastic* Chinese food can smell. As for his teeth, Kate gently suggests a hammer. Because she thinks justice should be poetic...and improve your ERA.

Dear Father of the Year,

Thank you for participating in our recent court ordered mediation session. I understand that you had to take time out of your busy schedule to arrange to discuss parenting issues with me.

I appreciate your acceptance of the fact that you have not made your children a priority over nearly the last year as you struggled with a rough time due to a "relationship" you were in. However, your plea to the mediator and me that everyone goes through a rough time and this happens and you deserve to be cut some slack fell on deaf ears. In case you didn't catch the whiskey.tango.foxtrot look the mediator shot you when you stated this, let me explain. We all go through rough times, however, we don't just abandon our children. That is the difference between you and the rest of the adult world. We take responsibility for our actions and make our children a priority all of the time, not just when it is easy.

Secondly, thank you for letting me know that my children are for sale and that for a price your parenting time can be bought. Your statement to the mediator that you would be willing to negotiate on parenting time if I am willing to negotiate on child support was a GREAT suggestion. I tell you what, you give up all your parenting time so that my children aren't warped by you and I will give up all financial support. WAIT, I gave that up three years ago as the little that you have been required to pay has never been paid on time or on the first request. I have been able to add Collection Agent to my list of qualifications on my resume, so thank you for that. Really, you are willing to give up time with your children, if I will reduce your child support amount?!?! Because if that's the case, sign me up, the less I have to deal with you, the better.

Lots of Love, Skinny Bitch

P.S. I'm still waiting on that current address so that I can send you a termination of parental rights and we can clear all this up very easily.

Kate never condones violence -- ok, yes she does, but not on the record -- so, allow us to suggest a way to not get your child support payments and yet not mind so much. As to not implicate anyone directly, we STRONGLY urge you to listen to this song and, you know, Carrie is such a good girl with a great voice. Don't you feel a need to pay a little visit to his truck?

I was married for the longest two years of my life to my ex...if we had actually been in the same country for longer than a few months (we were both military) it would have been shorter. But I digress. He emphasized again and again that we should never have kids, that I wasn't really a warm enough person to be a mother, that any kids we had would be sure to be "f***ed up" by my "girl drama." Little did I know that HE was having kids while I was deployed. He chose to tell me about the chick suing him for child support on Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas, ho ho ho! You ladies forgive me the bad pun. :-) This was after he told me right before Thanksgiving (he had a thing for holidays) that he spent his entire paycheck on a round of drinks for the bar on the past Friday night.

When we divorced, he took random stuff and broke other stuff. The glass out of the coffee table, rendering it useless. He punched holes in the ice trays. Seriously, whuck? He put dog food in the cereal boxes. He put tacks in my bras. He even made the move out date our house only four days after our divorce was final, forcing me to scramble to find a place to live. I was able to laugh at all of that, but the real ass-kicker when was when he gave away my two beautiful dogs while I was gone to work. He refused to tell me to whom he gave them, and left me their collars on the dash of my car. I thought my heart had been broken before, but I cried for days about my sweet dogs who thought they were given away without a thought. At least it confirmed for me that I was rectifying a mistake, instead of making one by divorcing him.

We're hoping you see him one more time. But you have some work to do before then. May we suggest the Fourth of July? Freedom from tyrants and all, you know? As for your homework, it will bring both short term satisfaction and long term companionship. Take your pretty self down to your nearest animal shelter, get the meanest looking mur.thur.fur.kin dog you can find. A girl. Name her Chopper. Spend the next 23 days loving on her and feeding her and making her think you're the best thing that's ever happened to her. And, most importantly, teach her to do this:

Then "accidentally" run into your ex. You'll know what to do next.

Urban Redneck here... These anecdotes are actually about my mom's ex-husband, aka my dad, who I love, but he is clueless. Background: My parents have been divorced since I was 5 (so about 30 years now and mom has been remarried for almost 28 years). My Dad, up until I was around 18, still asked my mom to bake pies for him to take to his buddies at his hunting camp during deer season.
When he had us on the weekends would also "ground" my brother and I for various infractions like taking off our tennis shoes without untying them - for ridiculous amounts of time (like a week for that) and then call all week to make sure my mom was "enforcing his rules." Still shocked to this day that she didn't tell him to go eff himself, and yes, I spent wads of cash on therapy for the dumbass who would punish me for something so trivial.

But, this last one takes the cake... Last summer, he brings his RV down to where my mom and stepdad keep their RV and boat to "visit the family" (mom and brothers and I all live relatively close, dad is several states away). The first morning, he shows up at 6 AM at my mom's RV carrying a package of bacon and eggs. No good morning, no nothing - just hands her the food and asks her if she has any coffee and sits down at the table like he owns the place... As you guys like to say "" Mom was so shocked she actually proceeded to make breakfast for him. When she called me later to tell me, I had to hang up and immediately call Dad to read him the riot act... Is it any wonder he's not remarried????

Well, let's all raise a T-Box to your mum. Because Lord knows, when I'm all about making bacon-n-eggs, I get out my biggest, heaviest iron-iest cast iron skillet that my grandmother used to have. That thing has 67 years of cooked-in grease, lard and possibly blood for all the times she went sidewhacking up my GrandDaddy's head from coming home a little too late and a little too drunk. And your mum, wow. That is some dizzying display of restraint. And you know what? She seriously traded UP. Like Himalayas UP. And, one day, you'll get that skillet...and you can dream about launching his left ear out of Fenway Park kindly suggest he grow a pair. And then fry 'em up. He can totally borrow your pan. But, remember you don't want it back. Gross.

Alright ladies, buckle up because you are not going to BELIEVE THIS!! I dated jackhole for seven, count them one, two, three, four, five, six, SEVEN years and lived together for the last 2 1/2. I supported him financially, cooked, cleaned, picked his drunk arse up at the bars, searched for him when he was too drunk to tell me where he was, and yes, you guessed it, bailed him out of jail...TWICE! He had been promising a proposal because I was the idiot that thought he was my "soul mate" since we had dated in high school, through college..yada yada yada, and he had even purchased a ring...scratch that...three different rings because he couldn't choose (red flag anyone?)
On a family vacation with both of our families there, he goes to propose while we are taking pictures on a boardwalk, grabs both of my hands looks me dead in the eyes (keep in mind I could see my daddy in the corner of my eye and he looked so happy for me), and then this is what he says to me, "Jennifer, you know I love you more than anything in the world right?" Me, "yes", him "I'm sorry I can't do this"...and walked in said he thought he was ready but wasn't and I was left standing there with oh 12-14 people staring at me in disbelief, and me all humiliated. I rode back home with my parents, cried so much I kept making myself sick, literally.

When we go home...guess what...I FORGAVE HIM...oh yes ladies, I was THAT GIRL. Anyhoo, since then he did that to me again on my birthday six months later and then I ditched his arse for what has turned out to be my savior. My sweet, amazingly handsome, brilliant husband, with whom I have a gorgeous son. Jackhole lives with his mother again, and does nothing....Karma is B*tch ladies!

Have you ever found yourself sitting out on the back porch, maybe right after sunset, probably after a (few) glasses of wine, listening to your sweet hubby and beautiful son playing in the yard? Hubby goes to get a drink of juice for the sweaty little angel and gently strokes your shoulder and kisses your cheek, and as he returns from the kitchen, he happily refills your glass, whispers something a little naughty in your ear, and returns to his boy to teach him how to catch fireflies. And for that nanosecond, you have a flash of what-could-have-been and you suddenly stand up and scream out loud, "SUCK IT UNIVERSE I WON! THAT'S RIGHT, BITCHES." Then you see your men looking up at you and you smile sweetly and say "love you..." 
Yeah, I've never done it every day either...xoxo Kate
I was in labor with our second child, I drove myself to the hospital because he was to busy drinking to come - he said he would go later. Well he does finally show up - 9 hours later - his excuse was he went to work (the dead beat doesn't have a job!) So he does manage to get there about 10 min before our son comes out. I have him and my ex says "Okay I'm going to bed" my response, "Don't you want to know how much he weighs?" Then my ex's response was and he was screaming when he said this "BI**H! I WORKED ALL DAY WHAT THE FU** DID YOU DO?"

(Lydia here.  I am shocked the nurses didn't "accidentally" inject him with something fatal for saying that to you.)

Mmmhmmm, well while I was still in the hospital I found out his "work" was actually screwing my best friend in my bed, in my home. I came home from the hospital (my aunt had to give me a ride) and there they both were just sitting on the couch watching TV!!!

Yep that was the end of my marriage and friendship right there. Grrrrrrrr still hate them both!

We're totally certain that post-partum depression would have been a completely valid defense. In fact, we'd go so far as to say the District Attorney would find some legal precedent that cited -- to paraphrase -- "douchebag had it comin'...sadly, the girl was just in the wrong place at the wrong time..." How do we know? It was totally on Law & Order once. And Jack McCoy doesn't lie.
My ex wins the prize for master manipulator - he set his entire life up the way he wanted it and THEN told me he wanted a divorce. Here are the details:
After only a year of living in California, he decided to apply for and accept a position in Florida. Since our kids were only 5 and 2 years old, I wasn't thrilled about moving again so quickly, but I always supported his career and this seemed to be a move in the right direction. So, off to Florida we went - to small town, 3 hours from "civilization", where I didn't know anybody. We had been there for less than a month when he had to go out of town for work for a few days. I had just put the kids to bed when I noticed that my husband's suitcase was by the front door. I said, "I thought you weren't leaving until the morning. Are you leaving now?" He said, "Yes." Then something happened and my woman's intuition kicked in. I asked, "Are you leaving for good?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Is there someone else?" He said, "Yes."

This is how I found out that my husband of 12 years had been having an affair for the past 2 years, wanted a divorce, and was moving his girlfriend/mistress (who I didn't know) out from California to live with him! WTF! Literally 3 weeks later, my husband had moved out, his girlfriend had moved in with him, and my kids were going back and forth between the two houses. I was freaked out for my kids because I wondered what they were going to think of this strange woman living with their daddy. Well, it turns out that back in California, they had already met her - at least twice! I had NO IDEA any of this was going on. And to make things more uncomfortable, in the state of Florida, you have to be a legal resident for 6 months before you can even FILE for divorce. This last year has been very, very long.

The good news is that we signed the paperwork this week, and I get to move with my children to a new city to start a new life. Nothing like having a mid-life crisis handed to you at age 35!

Oh! Oh! Move here! Lydia and I want you sitting on the porte cochere with us when he comes up to visit your IHPs (or are they more LTSs?) Either way, it's a long driveway, and you have to walk the damn thing, and having three angry mommies staring you down is like Dead Man Walking. With his hands over his protesticles. Cuz Kate's wearing a new pair of stilettos. And she ain't afraid to use 'em.

We'll be waiting for your arrival...the T-Box is already chilling. XOXO Kate & Lydia

And that is the end of the Ex Files!  Thanks so for sending us your stories!

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