Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The Funniest Things Our Kids Ever Said Part Une

Someone suggested that we put together a list of the funniest things our kids have ever said.  So we put out the call - and Jiminy Christmas - did you answer the call.  We have been laughing ourselves silly ever since the stories started coming in. 

Thank you so much for sharing them with us.  Don't forget to check back this afternoon for Part Deux...


When my son was 3 my brother got married. We stayed in a pretty swanky hotel for the wedding and upon arriving, he told my father that he LOVED his new house. We all giggled and thought it was so cute until the next day. We were in our room (we had brought a good friend to help us since my husband and I were both in the wedding) and he looked at me dead on (with a room full of people) and asked me if I was aware that there were hookers in the closet at this ho and tell? After almost peeing myself (my mother was not as amused) he said, "you know, you did not need to bring them, the hookers are already in there." ( I composed and realized he was talking about hangers).

Thinking that had just topped my weekend, after the wedding my friend took him out the side of the church - thinking he was following behind her - he decided to drop his pants to his ankles and pee in the bushes right as the church was unloading (fantastic!). My sister-in-law is awesome and loves my son - and now has 3 of her own so knows anything is possible! (BTW he called a hotel a ho and tell till he was 6 b/c we never corrected him - we just found it too funny!)

My oldest niece once introduced me to her neighbors as "Auntie Kitty Big Boobs".  It was the first time the neighbors met my brother's family.


My partner Elise has been on disability during her entire pregnancy and we've been trying to emphasize that to our 5 year old that he needs to help more. So, one day in the kitchen, Elise dropped something and I said, "Son, can you pick that up for her?" He pauses, turns around and says, "Momma, I think the pregnant lady just needs to 'man up.'"


I went to pick my oldest up from daycare and my end of day report included this story.... While outside on the playground, my darling daughter spotted a chipmunk. She yelled, "Look a Shit-munk!" All of her friends were very excited. When corrected and told it was pronounced Chipmunks - her reply, "yeah, that is what I said" and for the rest of the day and weeks to come, they were known as "shit-munks'.  And all of her friends pronounced it that way too.

A few short weeks later- it was getting cold- and my little gem strikes again. She walks up to the teacher pointing to her lips, "My lips are chapped. I need some 'shit-stick'.


Road rage rubbed off on my oldest kid and her daddy got blamed! While in the car with my parents- someone cut off my dad. Adorable daughter, in a snarky voice, proclaimed, "Jackass!" My mom immediately blamed my dad- from then on... when I drive, it became, "Jackie".


In the grandparents pool with 50 blue hairs in Tampa.

Ally (3): Mom! (yelling at the top of her voice) Are you allowed to pee in the pool?!
Me: No!...
Ally: Oh. Sorry!!
Blue hairs: gone.


When Kid #1 was around 3-1/2, we were in an airport. He needed to go potty, so we went into the handicapped stall. He was done and I was trying to get the toilet paper for him, which was being stubborn (would only tear off one at a time). Under my breath, I muttered, "Stupid toilet paper". He says, very sternly and loudly, "Mommy! We don't say stupid! We say DAMMIT." From a few stalls down, I hear this woman burst into laughter. All I could do was chuckle. We go out to wash hands, and she is still giggling, and says, "You just made my day!" We went on our happy way, and when it came time to get on the flight, I am struggling down this full airplane aisle, when I see the SAME WOMAN, still giggling! She says, "There's my guy! I called my sister from the terminal to tell her what happened!" We both got a good laugh!


My 4-1/2 year old boy was naked in his room after his bath, and I said to him for the 217th time, "Please get your hands off of your penis." He stomps his foot and says, "But I LIKE my penis!" Rock on, little dude. Rock on.

    My daughter was helping me to fold laundry the other day when she grabbed a pair of my undies and said "Mommy you have HUUUUUGGGGGEEEE panties!" OMG, I almost died laughing.


    My little daughter likes to sing the firetruck song, they taught it to her at daycare, but when she was 2 she couldn't say the 'TR' noise right so it sounded something like this: "Fire Fuck, Fire Fuck, I want to ride the Fire Fuckkkk!" *Insert parents trying really hard not to laugh*


    My sweet angelic 8 month old is just learning to talk, if you say him to say dadda, he says in the sweetest little demonic, sling blade type of voice, "mama,mama,mama,mama" and he growls when he says it too. I'm not even kidding, we call him sling blade now because he looks like him too! :) I could go on for years with funny stuff my kids have said! Thanks ladies, we love you!


    My son, whose 3 1/2, is constantly saying hilarious things, such much so that I started a Facebook page for him - it's "Nixon says..." Anyway, this is what he told me Thursday afternoon when he got home from school. "When I pooped at school today and was wiping my hiney, I busted my fingers through the paper, and got poo on these two fingers. It's true, Mommy. Mrs. Barlow forgot to tell you. I rubbed some of it on my yeg - it's true. It's so true!"

    My other recent favorite happened after we watched a video online of a mama moose & her babies playing in someone's backyard sprinkler... "I like the mama (moose) the best - it yooks yike she has a wiener under her neck."


    My son is 2-and-a-half and he's constantly making me laugh. Alex adores Dr. Seuss, and we were still reading How the Grinch Stole Christmas in April. My husband and I had just gotten into a HUGE fight that evening and weren't talking to one another. At bedtime, I snuggled my son up to me on the couch and started reading The Grinch. When I got to the part about him "staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown....", Alex pointed to the picture and said "Daddy!" My husband stared across the living room with a sour, grinchy frown as I assured him I had nothing to do with that comment. Secretly, it was all I could do not to give Alex a high-five, a kiss, and a bowl of ice cream! He still insists that the picture is Daddy.


    Me: having to slam on the brakes to avoid running a red light with my own mother in the front seat.
    3 year old: SHIT!
    Me: deer-in-the-headlights guilty look at my mom's scowl

    My husband takes our 3 year old daughter fishing for a couple hours so I can get some "me" time. While there, a couple young scantily-clad hussies, er - women (who are there to sunbathe, don't even have fishing poles) are paying my husband quite a bit of attention. "What bait are you using? What's that fish? Wow- it's so big! Oh, you're married..." yada yada... My daughter gets bored and so hubby gives her an empty Gatorade bottle to play in the water with. My daughter very smartly fills it up with cold fish water, walks over to the sun-bathing beauties and POURS IT OUT ON THEM! I've never been prouder. :)


    When my son was 3 I was cooking dinner and he was drawing at the dinner table. He asked me "Mommy, do you have a penis?" and then before I could answer he said "Oh no, wait....you have a....um....a.....BEARD!"


    Just yesterday
    My 4 year old son: "Mama, Ursula (the sea witch) has testicles"
    Me: *double take and snort* "What? No Ursula does not have testicles."
    Son: "Yes she does! Daddy said that Ursula has testicles! URSULA HAS TESTICLES!!!"
    Me: "Wait, do you mean tenticles?"
    Son: "Yeah she has tenticles."


    Stay tuned for the next installment in a couple of hours!

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    1. Holy crap that's funny stuff. Kids say the most hysterical things.

    2. Will add one of my own here: When my son was roughly 3 he was in the tub and was quite excited to share the following with me: "Mommy I have balls in my pee pee holder!"

    3. i can so relate...when my daughter was 3 she got mad as i asked her to go in and go potty before we left....she threw a fit and said" F*@kin mommy!" I slapped her mouth and told her we don't talk like that then turned around and laughed.....

    4. Awesome. My son likes to read the street signs along the road.... He looks at me and says "Mommy, you can afford a "dewey".." It took me a long time to figure out he was reading a "D.U.I. You can't Afford it Sign"... After a long conversation about drinking and driving he finally got it. Now to this day whenever there is a bad driver on the road he asks "Mommy, did they have wine for breakfast?"

    5. Just wrote a rant on my own blog last night venting about how kids will drive you f@!king crazy with their nonsense, so it's great to get up this morning and read all this silliness they bring with them too! Thanks girls.

    6. Thank you for making me laugh this morning! :)

    7. When my son (now 11) was 3, he went up to my 21 year old cousin and said "I have a big penis."
      My cousin said "So do I"
      My son said "Yeah but mine's bigger."

    8. These are great!

      Here's my son's latest... I put him in his car seat, and he said, "Wait, Mom! I have a BJ!" Me: You have a WHAT?!?!
      Son: I have a BJ. (As he's pulling his underwear out of his butt.)
      Me: No. You have a WEDGIE. (As I'm trying unsuccessfully to hold back laughter.)

    9. My son's dad and I were dating (He was 3) and when I got to the house to see them that morning he had clothes on over brand new spiderman big boy underwear. When he heard me at the door he ran to it, threw the door open and said "Igotbigboyunderweardoyouwantosee!?'
      he had his pants down showing me before he even finished the sentence and all i could think was 'like father, like son' lol
      They had the spider symbol on the front. His stepgranma is scared of spiders and he ran at her in his undewear and stopped and thrusted his pelvis forward and hollered 'LOOK! LOOK! Are ya scared!' yep, fear the tiny spider. lol We also used to find his toy soldiers in the 'pocket' in the front. 'cause that's what it's there for, right?

    10. This past weekend was my daughter's 4th birthday. I decided I would attempt to make her cake. Cake decorating is not my sport so at one point I am having such a hard time I growl "drat" at the stupid fondant. My daughter giggles and says "No Mommy, say a grown up word. Say a grown up word!!!" I explain that I don't need to say a grown up word... so a little bit later she left the kitchen and I'm still having a hell of a time and say "How the fuck do they expect me to work with this shit?!" And from the other room I hear "Yeah, Moooommyyyy! Good job!"

      She also told me at the mall this past week "Mommy, I can't walk anymore. My legs will kill me!"

    11. here's one: My Babysitter was giving my 3yo daughter and 18month old son a bath together. My Daughter says, "Look [G] has a ittle-little penis!" Babysitter responds nonchalantly, "uh-huh..." Daughter continues, "not like my daddy! He has a great big penis!" She had to pull me aside when we got home to share that one, she was laughing so hard.

    12. Oh for the love of God these are cracking me up! I need to be studying physiology...damn the hilarity that is this blog!

    13. This one is STRAIGHT from RFML!! Our daughter (almost 3) is sweet - and precocious ;) so my hubby started calling her a cupcake, baked by the devil - after I told him about a particular image on the blog. Well, a few weeks ago, my mom was out visiting. We had gone to the lake and were having a picnic. Gramma was telling Ella how wonderful she was, and says "Ella, you're my little cupcake" without missing a beat, Ella says "baked by the debil!" I nearly fell off the picnic bench!!! Of course we had to get it on tape, so here's the reenactment!

    14. oh my - one more! I often bathe my kiddos together, and in the process we've had a few anatomy discussions ;) So, DD was washing herself - and being as cute as a 2 yr old can be, was asking me which part she should wash next--
      DD: Wash my arms?
      Me: uh-hu
      DD: Wash my legs?
      Me uh-hu
      DD: Wash my peanut?
      Me: *can't talk...laughing too hard*

      (hmmm - maybe bathing them together ISN'T the best idea!)

    15. This one is not about what he said, but I think it qualifies...

      Last week I was changing my 14 month-old's diaper, and he was chattering to one of his sisters' Polly Pocket dolls that he was holding in one hand. Just then he began waving the doll around, and reached down with his other hand to grab something else.
      The only thing that could have made it funnier is if it had been a Bratz doll.

    16. My son came home one day, when he was about 5 I think, and told me he was mad at one of the girls at school and wanted to kick her in the wiener. I told him girls didn't have wieners. He insisted that they do. I told him I was a girl and I should know -- so he wanted to see mine. (Nope.) I got out a book that had labeled illustrations of a boy front-and-back and a girl front-and-back. Oh. OK. So the next day at the bus stop he was telling folks that girls didn't have penises -- they had vulvas. Thanks for sharing.
      He also challenged me on this one last time, and I told him girls didn't have penises, they had common sense. He is 8 now and STILL remembers that -- and repeats it with glee.

    17. A few funny kid stories:

      My sister and her son were at Target when he was 3. They were in the checkout line, when my nephew looks down and announces in his super-sonic 3-year-old scream, "Mommy, my penis is hard!"


      My own son (middle child) is so sweet but innocently distructive that we call him Hurrican Casey. The other day, my husband was on kid duty upstairs with our daughter. Oldest son came up and told Dad that Casey had gotten water all over the bathroom. My husband said to start wiping it up. Oldest son said "Um. It's kind of everywhere."

      My husband went downstairs and saw the carnage. We just got a new kitten and the kitten carrier (the kind that folds in half to make two sides), and Casey had tried to put water in it. Except there are holes in it, because, well, it's for live animals. Water everywhere in the bathroom. EVERYWHERE.

      Upon questioning, Casey revealed his motive:

      "Clark (new kitty) needed a swimming pool!"

    18. My 3 year old son thought it was amusing to blow on my face. when he had huffed and puffed a few times he said, "ok, mommy, blow me."

    19. Here's mine: One night my 3 year old was playing with his kitchen and he went over to Daddy, wearing a pot lid on his head. He said “hey daddy, I’m a pot-head!”

    20. Ok Here's mine.My girls where outside playing with the neighbor kids. Well My hubby got home and no kids around so we get going when in walks our little darlings? "What are you doing without any clothes on?" hubby" Just getting ready to do the laundry, now go back outside and play". They leave.
      A little while later I go out to get my girls in for dinner and my neighbor tells me my 5 year old has been yelling that she just saw her Mommy and Daddy naked together!!!it was a nice day so pretty much our whole block heard!!

    21. When my daughter was 2 years old she used to get a sippy cup of milk first thing in the morning and watch Sesame Street on our bed while my husband and I got ready for work. Obviously, she had seen Daddy in his boxer shorts and a t-shirt plenty of times. However, one Saturday morning while my husband was getting dressed to go play basketball, she burst into the room to see him wearing a pair of briefs. She burst out laughing and said, "Daddy! You're wearing Mommy's panties!"

      For the life of me I can not explain why, but this is also the child who used to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way. Oh what fun, the Israelites in a one horse open sleigh. Hey!"

    22. The Spud...our 4 year old joy... is still working on the potty training thing. When he gets a diaper rash, I try to tell him he won't if uses the potty all of the time. But when he gets a rash, he likes to announce to the world "Mommy, I got a boo boo on my butt-butt. You kiss it?" Yeah... Like I don't do that enough already?


      From bathing my godson "The Kid" and "The Spud" - The Kid, at the end of the bath, tells his Dad - "Hey Daddy, Spud's penis is big." Dad tries to explain circumscised and not. The Kid - "no Daddy, he's huge!!" - A proud moment for a Mom....

      And a final note -
      The Hub noticed money missing from his dresser. He noticed The Spud taking coins from his dresser, and followed him to his room. The Spud lifted the mattress and carefully put the money there. When the Hub asked him what he was doing? The Spud - "Daddy (full eye roll and sigh), I got four girlfriends and dat berry, berry expensive..." I still can't tell that story without the mild panic attack of "YOUR"RE FOUR FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!"

    23. One more?

      My 3 year old daughter had a habit of announcing every bowel movement. (She's an only child - the world revolves around her.) After LOUDLY letting the household know that she had diarhea, I went to offer moral support. She finished her business, flushed the toilet and after wiggling back into her pants looked back into now-flushed potty.

      "Mommy, do you know what I hate about diarhea?"
      "No, honey."
      "There's always that one carrot."

      (And there was...)

    24. My husband had taken my sweet 4 year old to the mall and while they were shopping, she, of course, needed to go potty. So, he takes her in the men's room to a stall, where she proceeds to go #2. She must have been constipated because she started screaming and crying "Daddy, it hurts! Get it out! Get it out, Daddy!!"
      My poor husband... needless to say, when she was done, they walked out of the restroom very quickly - only looking behind them to make sure the mall cops weren't following them out while calling state children's services.
      I don't think he's taken her shopping by himself since then!

    25. These are hysterical! I have an anatomy one as well... when my son was 6 we somehow ended up on an anatomy discussion and I wanted to make sure he had the proper names so I told him that boys have penises... he hesitated a second and then asked "what do girls have? Fuzzies?"

    26. My 5 1/2 year old daughter (third born) at the dinner table -- after some "bubbly farts escape "ohhhh, my but is spicin' up!"

      Same girl - nasty insult to her 10 year old brother "Jack, you are a stupid, meanie-boy, poopy-head, mediocre clarinet player" (a la Sponge Bob -- p.s. he plays the trombone)

      Finally, one night before bed "mom, can we read "The Samll Train Who Thought She Could Do it?" (a/k/a The Little Engine That Could)

    27. I wonder if Charlie Sheen got his idea of what to do with hookers from reading this post?


    28. this has totally made my day


      my little girl was about 3 (she is 16 now) when i had her little sister. Well I needed to wash dishes so I was running back and forth trying to watch them and wash dishes.So one of the times I peeked around the corner she was slapping her sister from side to side. I ran to catch her and had to explain that she should not hurt her sister. She told me, "She messed up everything mommy." So we had another long talk,while I tried not to laugh.




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