Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The Funniest Things Our Kids Ever Said Part Une

Someone suggested that we put together a list of the funniest things our kids have ever said.  So we put out the call - and Jiminy Christmas - did you answer the call.  We have been laughing ourselves silly ever since the stories started coming in. 

Thank you so much for sharing them with us.  Don't forget to check back this afternoon for Part Deux...

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When my son was 3 my brother got married. We stayed in a pretty swanky hotel for the wedding and upon arriving, he told my father that he LOVED his new house. We all giggled and thought it was so cute until the next day. We were in our room (we had brought a good friend to help us since my husband and I were both in the wedding) and he looked at me dead on (with a room full of people) and asked me if I was aware that there were hookers in the closet at this ho and tell? After almost peeing myself (my mother was not as amused) he said, "you know, you did not need to bring them, the hookers are already in there." ( I composed and realized he was talking about hangers).

Thinking that had just topped my weekend, after the wedding my friend took him out the side of the church - thinking he was following behind her - he decided to drop his pants to his ankles and pee in the bushes right as the church was unloading (fantastic!). My sister-in-law is awesome and loves my son - and now has 3 of her own so knows anything is possible! (BTW he called a hotel a ho and tell till he was 6 b/c we never corrected him - we just found it too funny!)
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My oldest niece once introduced me to her neighbors as "Auntie Kitty Big Boobs".  It was the first time the neighbors met my brother's family.

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My partner Elise has been on disability during her entire pregnancy and we've been trying to emphasize that to our 5 year old that he needs to help more. So, one day in the kitchen, Elise dropped something and I said, "Son, can you pick that up for her?" He pauses, turns around and says, "Momma, I think the pregnant lady just needs to 'man up.'"

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I went to pick my oldest up from daycare and my end of day report included this story.... While outside on the playground, my darling daughter spotted a chipmunk. She yelled, "Look a Shit-munk!" All of her friends were very excited. When corrected and told it was pronounced Chipmunks - her reply, "yeah, that is what I said" and for the rest of the day and weeks to come, they were known as "shit-munks'.  And all of her friends pronounced it that way too.

A few short weeks later- it was getting cold- and my little gem strikes again. She walks up to the teacher pointing to her lips, "My lips are chapped. I need some 'shit-stick'.

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Road rage rubbed off on my oldest kid and her daddy got blamed! While in the car with my parents- someone cut off my dad. Adorable daughter, in a snarky voice, proclaimed, "Jackass!" My mom immediately blamed my dad- from then on... when I drive, it became, "Jackie".

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In the grandparents pool with 50 blue hairs in Tampa.

Ally (3): Mom! (yelling at the top of her voice) Are you allowed to pee in the pool?!
Me: No!...
Ally: Oh. Sorry!!
Blue hairs: gone.

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When Kid #1 was around 3-1/2, we were in an airport. He needed to go potty, so we went into the handicapped stall. He was done and I was trying to get the toilet paper for him, which was being stubborn (would only tear off one at a time). Under my breath, I muttered, "Stupid toilet paper". He says, very sternly and loudly, "Mommy! We don't say stupid! We say DAMMIT." From a few stalls down, I hear this woman burst into laughter. All I could do was chuckle. We go out to wash hands, and she is still giggling, and says, "You just made my day!" We went on our happy way, and when it came time to get on the flight, I am struggling down this full airplane aisle, when I see the SAME WOMAN, still giggling! She says, "There's my guy! I called my sister from the terminal to tell her what happened!" We both got a good laugh!

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My 4-1/2 year old boy was naked in his room after his bath, and I said to him for the 217th time, "Please get your hands off of your penis." He stomps his foot and says, "But I LIKE my penis!" Rock on, little dude. Rock on.
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    My daughter was helping me to fold laundry the other day when she grabbed a pair of my undies and said "Mommy you have HUUUUUGGGGGEEEE panties!" OMG, I almost died laughing.

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    My little daughter likes to sing the firetruck song, they taught it to her at daycare, but when she was 2 she couldn't say the 'TR' noise right so it sounded something like this: "Fire Fuck, Fire Fuck, I want to ride the Fire Fuckkkk!" *Insert parents trying really hard not to laugh*

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    My sweet angelic 8 month old is just learning to talk, if you say him to say dadda, he says in the sweetest little demonic, sling blade type of voice, "mama,mama,mama,mama" and he growls when he says it too. I'm not even kidding, we call him sling blade now because he looks like him too! :) I could go on for years with funny stuff my kids have said! Thanks ladies, we love you!

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    My son, whose 3 1/2, is constantly saying hilarious things, such much so that I started a Facebook page for him - it's "Nixon says..." Anyway, this is what he told me Thursday afternoon when he got home from school. "When I pooped at school today and was wiping my hiney, I busted my fingers through the paper, and got poo on these two fingers. It's true, Mommy. Mrs. Barlow forgot to tell you. I rubbed some of it on my yeg - it's true. It's so true!"

    My other recent favorite happened after we watched a video online of a mama moose & her babies playing in someone's backyard sprinkler... "I like the mama (moose) the best - it yooks yike she has a wiener under her neck."

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    My son is 2-and-a-half and he's constantly making me laugh. Alex adores Dr. Seuss, and we were still reading How the Grinch Stole Christmas in April. My husband and I had just gotten into a HUGE fight that evening and weren't talking to one another. At bedtime, I snuggled my son up to me on the couch and started reading The Grinch. When I got to the part about him "staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown....", Alex pointed to the picture and said "Daddy!" My husband stared across the living room with a sour, grinchy frown as I assured him I had nothing to do with that comment. Secretly, it was all I could do not to give Alex a high-five, a kiss, and a bowl of ice cream! He still insists that the picture is Daddy.

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    Me: having to slam on the brakes to avoid running a red light with my own mother in the front seat.
    3 year old: SHIT!
    Me: deer-in-the-headlights guilty look at my mom's scowl
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    My husband takes our 3 year old daughter fishing for a couple hours so I can get some "me" time. While there, a couple young scantily-clad hussies, er - women (who are there to sunbathe, don't even have fishing poles) are paying my husband quite a bit of attention. "What bait are you using? What's that fish? Wow- it's so big! Oh, you're married..." yada yada... My daughter gets bored and so hubby gives her an empty Gatorade bottle to play in the water with. My daughter very smartly fills it up with cold fish water, walks over to the sun-bathing beauties and POURS IT OUT ON THEM! I've never been prouder. :)

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    When my son was 3 I was cooking dinner and he was drawing at the dinner table. He asked me "Mommy, do you have a penis?" and then before I could answer he said "Oh no, wait....you have a....um....a.....BEARD!"

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    Just yesterday
    My 4 year old son: "Mama, Ursula (the sea witch) has testicles"
    Me: *double take and snort* "What? No Ursula does not have testicles."
    Son: "Yes she does! Daddy said that Ursula has testicles! URSULA HAS TESTICLES!!!"
    Me: "Wait, do you mean tenticles?"
    Son: "Yeah she has tenticles."

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    Stay tuned for the next installment in a couple of hours!



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