Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The Funniest Things Our Kids Ever Said - Part Deux

Here's the Part Deux!  If you missed Part Une - click here.  In this addition, small children discuss parts.  And take things apart.  It's pretty awesome.

Enjoy...

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My kids just figured out that the words "peanuts" and "penis" sound alike. And it's the funniest thing in the history of ever. Examples abound:

Kid 1: Charlie in my class is allergic to peanuts and tree nuts.
Kid 2: Then how does he pee? HAAAAAA!!!!
Kid 1: HAAAAAWWWWWWW! (stops laughing and looks deadly serious for one minute) I'm allergic to your peanuts because it is asgusting. (then falls out laughing at the hilarity of her own joke) Bwaaa haa haaa!
Kid 2: I don't care - I loooove my peanuts. (looks fondly at his junk and gives it a nice pat).

Kid 1: Do you want some of these penis cookies?
Kid 2: Oh yes I just love penis cookies! (snicker)
Kid 1: HHAAAAAWWWWW! Penis! Cookies! So! Funny! (rolling around on floor unable to breathe)

Kid 2: Hey Daddy, how come in the baseball song they say to buy me some penis?
Daddy: What? Huh?
Kid 2: Buy me some penis and cwackerjacks. What does it mean?
Kid 1: (giggling at the audacity of Kid 2)
Kid 2: Can you buy me some penis please? I'd really like that.

And it never gets old. For them.

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When my son was about 6 and his little brother was just getting mobile I took a shower *gasp* and left the two of them to watch a video in the TV room. When I got out I went to check on them and found ONLY my oldest son playing quietly *double gasp* all by himself. When I asked him where his little brother was he simply looked up at me and said "Let's just say he's somewhere nice and QUIET." WTF?! In total panic I start grilling him while frantically looking in cupboards, ovens, trash cans, etc for my younger son until FINALLY my older one admitted he put him IN THE CAR IN THE GARAGE!!! Sure enough, I opened up the door to find my younger one sitting in the drivers seat smiling at me like a crazy person.

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This one might not be that funny but it sure was one of those WTH was he thinking moments. When I was huge pregnant with my second son and having a bit of a tummy issue I got stuck in the bathroom for a good 5-10 minutes while my then 5-year old son played in the playroom. Towards the end of my "session" I heard a horribly loud THUD come from upstairs (where all the bedrooms were located) so I yanked myself together and ran up the stairs two at a time (not easy when you're giant pregnant with toilet paper stuck to you).

I walked towards my son's room to find him sitting in the middle of his bedroom floor, screwdriver in hand and the ENTIRE DOOR TO HIS BEDROOM laying beside him. At second glance I realized the kid had managed to SCALE the pantry shelves in order to obtain a screw driver (the correct kind I may add) and completely take the whole DOOR off the HINGES. I asked him WTH was going on and he simply said to me "I wanted it off."

Oh, my bad. Go on ahead.

The same week he took the damn water heater apart while I took a shower. We no longer keep screw drivers in our house.

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My almost 4yr old daughter likes to play with play dough. Her favorite is to "make" gourmet dishes and have me and my husband (and occasionally cats) eat the creations:

1. we try to mix it up a little by asking her to create off-the-wall dishes. It's cute to hear her try to repeat our orders when bringing back the dangerously-stacked chunks of black play dough. Don't know why, but she prefers to use all black. Anywho... I asked her to make me Shrimp Scampi. She comes back and tells me, "Mommy, here is your tramp skimpy!"

2. I'm trying not to laugh at her creation's name and forget to only PRETEND to eat the black mess. I totally inhale a bite of dough....Frick.

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So my almost four year old couldn't say her C/K's, i.e.: her older sister is Pora or Bora instead of Cora.  Well when we were eating dinner one Sunday evening (neighbors included) at my in-laws house, she tells everyone in her loud voice "I LOVE PORN!"

Yeah.  Now we eat corn in the privacy of our own house.

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My son is obsessed with Toy Story and has all the dolls. One night, we went out for ice cream after dinner. The server took our order and started to walk away, when out of nowhere, my son calls to her in his really loud voice, "And I have a Woody!!" She just walked away a little faster!

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Our family was going on a weekend to the mountains of North Carolina one Easter. I packed my 4 year old son's bag for him with all his clothes and sat it by the door to be loaded in the car.

When we got to our relatives' house in NC, I took his bag to his room to get him settled. When I opened it up, there was one t-shirt and about 200 matchbox cars. I nearly lost my schmidt until he said to me "but Mama- I had to repack it because all the clothes took up the room I needed for my cars."
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My son and I were in the grocery store and I hear his little angelic voice say, "Mommy look it's Mickey Mouse." I am looking everywhere. Lunchboxes, Ice Cream aisle everywhere the little pipsqueak could have seen the Disney creation. Mind you we do not live in California or Florida where Mickey spottings are probably pretty prevalent.

He's tugging on my hand and now pointing at "Mickey." To my horror he is pointing to a young black gentleman walking in front of us with his well coiffed afro in pigtails. From the back, to a 3 year old (at the time) I guess he did look like Mickey. I think my face said it all to the gentleman when he turned around. He laughed and went about his way.

My son however was horrified he didn't get to have his picture taken with Mickey Mouse. It was a while before I took him to the grocery store again.
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Setting: I take almost 3 year-old Pumpkin Pie in a public bathroom after he announces to my office that he needs to pee. We go in the handicapped stall as it will fit us both best and appears to be the cleanest. He is standing on my feet (so he can reach the toilet) peeing and looking at the hand rail next to the toilet.

Pumkin Pie: Mommy, isn't that rail pretty?
Me: Um, yes, very silvery.
PP: I really like it.
Me: Yes, it's very nice. (thinking, where is he going with this?)
PP: Is it clean?
Me: I guess so. (In comparison with the rest of the public restroom, right?)
PP: Can I lick it?

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I decided that telling my kids the proper names for body parts was not a good idea when my 2nd daughter had a rash. She was about 2/12-3 yrs old. We were in a shopping mall and she said loudly "My gina is sore" A little boy standing near by, about the same age, said "She has a Dinosaur?" I said "YES, she does!" and abruptly left the store with a very red face!
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When my son was about 4 1/2 we checked out a book from the library called "RataPata SkataFata" (or something like that). We'd been reading it for days, the story was about a little island boy who was always looking for a way out his chores and every time his mom assigned him a task he would close his eyes and say "ratapata skatafata" three times and his wish would come true, thus making it possible to escape his chores.

So after reading this book for about a week I took Little Man to the park one day, as I was getting all of our crap out of the car I noticed him hunched over, eyes closed whispering "RataPata SkataFata." When he had said it three times he opened his eyes and looks at me in utter astonishment and just like MAGIC had occurred he said in awe "My wish came TRUE!" Me, being so won over with his sweet innocent enthusiasm gushed "Oh baby what did you wish for?!" With a slow, EVIL grin he says, ever so slyly "That you were ugly" and turns with a snicker and walks away. For REAL?! I stood there, mouth open, trying to figure out if I should laugh or kick his smart a**.

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I was at a store waiting to return something & a girl was bending over doing one of those computerized applications when my 3yr old son yelled, "Mom-ney, Look! Look Mom-ney, a fat hiney! A fat hiney just like you! 2 fat hineys mommy, 2 of those!"
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When my son was about 4 we were rushing for church I put him in the shower with me and he asked "mama where your penis??? I said, "Ummm, honey, boys have a penis and girls have vaginas." Unfazed he went about putting his clothes on wrong. We rush into church and on our way out our Pastor is standing to say goodbye to everyone. We stop and he bends down to my son my son tells him "Hey boys have penisisiss and my mom has a hairy giant!"

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Thanks so much for sharing your funnies with us!
xo, Kate & Lydia


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22 comments:

  1. LMAO!! Omg, those are amazing!!

    I have two boys and they come up with some doozies as well. My favorite was when my 4 y/o was in the tub while I was putting laundry away next door. As I was finishing up I heard, "Mommy! Look at my penis! Look at my big, giant penis!!"

    Gotta love a confident man :)

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  2. Hooray! I have been waiting patiently for part Deux! Thanks ladies...this is so awesome! My kiddos have let some pretty crazy things fly outa their mouths, boy was notorious for always announcing that his "penis was sticking up." My daughter was distraught once when she asked "where her penis was?" after bathing with brother. But one of the cutest things my daughter has said was on the way to a horse ranch where the kids were going to get to ride horses. I was prepping them ahead of time, mainly so my daughter wouldn't be scared and then not ride. She said, "I want to ride Pinky Pie because she's my favorite!" I still giggle when I think about that. ;-)

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  3. So I take Christopher to the "fancy" children's shoe store at the "high end" mall today to get him a new pair of Keens for the summer. As we approach the check out I spy a random rack of cutesy aprons and as I am fondling a few Christopher LOUDLY reads the one to my left which he thinks says "Kiss the cock" and then e...qually as loudly asks me "what is a cock mama?" Ofcourse, it is PGA Tour tee off quiet all around me and I am like "A cock is a rooster so it says kiss the chicken" and I signed the reciept like a doctor and tore out of there at 100 mph. The apron said kiss the cook but I was so mortified I could not think clearly.

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  4. <3<3<3 these!!! I have some more real funnies, are you going to do more??

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  5. omg...crying laughing...kids are looking at me like i've lost it....lmao

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  6. These posts are frackin' awesome. Just sayin'.

    My son Alex is 8, and has autism. One trait of kids on the autism spectrum is echolalia, when they constantly repeat phrases that they hear, typically from commercials or movies. A few examples:

    When Alex was around 4, my husband and I left him in the living room one afternoon so that we could have a discussion (i.e. disagreement) in another room. The hubs and I are right in the middle of it, when Alex walks through the door, looks at both of us in turn, and says "Call the Dr. Phil show, at 1-800-****... if you need help with issues such as these." He then turns around and closes the door behind him. My husband literally spat his sweet tea across the room, and I peed my pants.

    Alex walked into my master bathroom one morning as I was performing the daily duel with the bathroom scale. When I just sighed and stepped off, he looks at me with his big brown eyes and says, "Tired of stubborn belly fat? Need to lose 20 pounds or more? Try Insta-Slim, the new diet sensation that's sweeping the nation!" He says this while giving my the cheesiest game-show-host grin.

    Needless to say, we've limited his TV time since then.

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  7. Well, my baby is still baking in the oven, but my older brother was awesome with stuff like this. Once he was misbehaving in a store and my mom leaned down to quiet discipline him and he yelled "MOM! YOU HAVE BAD BREATH!"

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  8. I loved reading these! I thought my kids we the only ones. I overheard a conversation between my daughters, ages 7 and 5, a few weeks ago. Age 7 " Hey, have you peed in the bathwater yet?" Age 5 " No, but give me a few more minuets." I just kept walking.

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  9. When my daughter was around 18-24 months old, she couldn't pronounce her own name, Jessica, so she shortened it to "Ca ca". We never did correct her and just tried not to laugh every time she said it (which was A LOT!!!!).

    This past year (she is now 12) early childhood nicknames came up in conversation and so I had to tell her what she did......and now she laughs just as hard at it as I still do.

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  10. When my son was 4 or so I noticed he was being incredibly quiet in his room. I went back to check on him and found him naked with open markers all over the floor. He turned around and his butt was blue and red. He said he wanted to be a baboon! Took days for all of that to come off his behind.

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  11. When Toy Story first came out, I went to KB Toys to buy my nephew one of the 3' tall Woody dolls that had just come out. I walked in and the 16 year old clerk asked if he could help me. I answered, "Yeah, I'm looking for a really big Woody...."

    And then I turned bright red and laughed hysterically for a good 20 minutes. He thought I was nuts, I'm sure.

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  12. These are hilarious! I love how most of them involve anatomy and it's not just at my house!

    My favorite story:

    When Joey was about 4 my dad bought a new boat. Hubby, dad, and Joey go out to look at the boat. Joey comes running in and tells me I "HAVE" to come look right now! So I follow him outside and he points at the boat's motor and says "look at that big black somabitch"

    We all burst out laughing and I STILL give my dad Hell about it to this day because I know exactly where it came from. It's so something my dad would say.

    Both of my nephews and my kids have picked up all kinds of fun stuff from Papa that they drag out at the most inopportune moments.

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  13. One time while showering with my then 3 year old, he turns to me and says "mom! Where is your wink?" So I give the ever popular response of "mommy doesn't have one, only boys do" and very seriously he looks at me and asks..."oh.. well.. are you sad?" To which I almost died laughing!!

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  14. I was at Wal Mart once doing three things at once I swore I would never do, which in turn put me into White Trash Mother of the Year status. Anyhoo... rule #1 broken 2 year old snot nosed with fever rule #2 eating at the McDonalds instead of trying to cook them something remotely healthy, and rule #3 having both my kids there way after nap time. I had to go because the hubby is a pilot, I have no family to call to help where I live, and we were out of milk and Tylenol. Rookie mistake I know I know, can you believe I am having a third kid and screw things like this up all the time. Well onto the funny ass shit my four year said. Just needed to set the scene... We are ordering food and they hand me our cups for the drinks, he spots the icee machine and asks."Can I have that Blue slushy instead of sprite?" My reply is no dear not today. He decides to reply very loudly, "Why does it have Booze in it?" I whisper in his ear, "yes Ben it does, so don't ask again." He announces " I am not 21 so I can't have booze but my mommy sure likes it is the other color Margarita? " Yep official white trash mom of the year. I am about 2o weeks preggo at the time too, luckily I looked slim compared to some of the other frequent McDonald's diners.

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  15. Ok... one to share here... My son is 26 now, but when he was 4, he couldn't pronounce the "C","K" and if he tried it came out with a "T".

    So its my birthday, and we have lots of family around, and my cousin is enjoying a piece of cake when my son comes up to him and loudly announces that he can pet his momma's titty! Oh Lord the look on my cousins face! After the laughter subsided, I explained he was offering for my cousin to pet our Cat. LOL

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  16. LOVE THESE!! My Oldest son has a great sense of humor, but doesn't generally joke much.
    "Mama, what are you making?" he asks me stiltedly.
    "English muffins. Do you want one?"
    "Muffins don't talk, Mom."
    "What??"
    "Muffins DON'T talk."

    The other day I got the kids a watermelon and as we're waiting in line to check out, my 3 year old starts BAWLING! "THANK YOU FOR DE WATERMEWON, MOMMY! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!" He does this for the entire time I'm ringing us up, out to the car, and falls asleep before we get out of the parking lot. Right before he starts crying? He grabs my boobs. "What are you doing?!" I say, "You can't do that! That's one of Mommy's private parts!" He looks at me all sweet and innocent. I think there were sparkles of innocent coming out of his smile, "But, MOMMY! I have to play with the watermelons!!"

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  17. Maybe it's all the penis talk, but what's up with that pink silo in the ginasaur pic?

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  18. I secretly wait to read your posts till I have a BAD day> just want to let you know that my BAD WEEK was just made better! Thank you ladies!

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  19. I started reading from the beginning of the blog a few weeks ago, so I'm still playing catch-up. I'm a bit late to the party, but I have a story to share:

    My daughter was 3 and my son was 1. I was bathing them together when my little girl pointed out that her brother had a part that she seemed to be missing. I explained that it was called a penis and that girls don't get one.

    I turned around to reach for a towel when my daughter started screeching. When I looked back, both of my children were standing up in the tub. My daughter had a horrified look on her face because my son was cheerfully peeing into the water.

    "MOMMY, that is NOT his pee-nice!" she declared.

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  20. When my niece was pretty young (I think two-ish), our whole family rented a house on the beach for a vacation. I was out on the porch of the house with her waiting for her parents to finish packing up the endless things one needs before taking a young child to the beach. She was getting impatient, and because I'm kind of a snot (my sister is 12 years older than me), I told her, "Don't worry, sweetie. Mommy and Daddy just take a little while to get going because they're sooooo oooooold." Without missing a beat, she looks at me and says in the most matter-of-fact tone, "Mommy isn't old. GRANDMA is old." Needless to say, I immediately ran inside and repeated this to my mom, who strangely found it less amusing than I did.

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  21. These are hilarious! I nearly peed in my pants when I read the 'gina is sore = dinosaur" one. hahahaha! I live for the things that come out of my kids' mouths :) Just blogged about it today, in fact!
    http://theycallmemummy.com/2012/06/13/kiddyquips

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  22. I nearly peed in my pants when I read the "gina is sore = dinosaur" one. hahahahaha! Kids say the best things. I just blogged about mine today :)
    Thanks gals!
    http://theycallmemummy.com/2012/06/13/kiddyquips/

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