Saturday, June 26, 2010

The Funniest Things Our Kids Ever Said - Part Trois

Happy Saturday Special Post! You asked, we delivered. Yeah yeah, it's late, but Lydia was all *infectious* and Kate was, ummm, being a snitchy working pirate monkey. Or something. Basically, she was useless. Until now.

Enjoy! And beware the coffee snorts on your computers. We totally spit our Selfy Steams all over the screen.

xoxo K&L

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When my oldest was around 4 or 5 we were looking for a new car. My husband kept saying he wanted to get a car with 4 wheel drive. We noticed that our daughter was looking underneath all of the cars and finally she looked at my husband and said, "Why can't you just find a car already? They ALL have 4 wheels!!"

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Scene: Driving on main road with many side streets. Summer day (windows all open) As we're driving by one such street, a woman on the phone pulls out and stops short just before T-boning us.


Mommy: Ooohh... [choking sound as panic sets in] crap..
Amber (3 yrs) [very loudly through the window]: "GET OFF THE PHONE!!!!"

The woman looked in shock at my daughter as we slid by her in traffic... classic. :)

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One day, my daughter Sydney (then 7) was throwing a fit. This was full on screaming and kicking. We were supposed to go visit a friend so I quickly cut her off. I told her she couldn’t go. She followed that with more screaming. When she calmed down enough to realize her sister was going to have fun and she couldn’t go, she shouted, “Sorry!” I said, “It’s too late for sorry.” This infuriated her. She yelled back, “Since when does sorry have an expiration date???”
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"Mom, I decided I want to put a DS on my Christmas list. So how do you spell DS?"


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I was doing laundry and putting clothes away in the kids’ room while my 4-year old and the baby were in my room. I overheard her tell the baby, "Claire, you be the look out! I'm going to steal dad's money now ‘cause you and I are the only ones in this darn family that doesn't have any!"

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When my son was about 18 months old, my darling husband had a brilliant idea while watching us play "what does the ____ say?"

Husband: “You know what the animals say. Now you should know what Mommy says.”

And what does Mommy say, one might ask? Why... “N AG, NAG, NAG.” Of course.

A few days later, I was *lovingly but authoritatively* telling my son to do something, when he stuck his little finger up in my face and yelled "Nag! Nag! Nag!!!" and then ran away. Wouldn't you know, he had the tone and look down, too.

My son amused family and friends for months with that line. Traitors. My husband is currently trying to teach our infant to say "nag" before "momma". And that is why there's "justifiable" homicide, ladies.

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My son was around two when we took our first trip to Orlando to see my family who’d moved there recently. Before leaving, I stopped to buy pull ups; however, there were no boy pull ups, only girls. With Disney Princesses printed on the front. I didn’t think he’d notice, but boy did he! As soon as I put them on him, he exclaimed “I can’t wear THESE! These are for GIRLS!” I chuckled at this and told him it was just until I could get boy ones later.

We arrive in Orlando and I am getting him ready for bed while we sit in the living room with my family. As I pull a new pull up on him, I tell the story of his disgust at wearing something meant for girls. Everyone gets a little laugh out of it. My son notices this. He’s made people laugh. He likes it. So what does he do?

He starts pointing at the princesses on the front of the pull up he has on, inadvertently pointing at his package and starts hollering at the top of his lungs “THIS IS FOR GIRLS! THIS IS FOR GIRLS! THIS IS FOR GIRRRRRLS!” as he thrusts his hips around at everyone.

I almost cried I laughed so hard. To this day we tell that story every time we get together.

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One morning, while I was preparing to take a shower, my four-year old daughter walked into the bathroom. She took one look at me (naked) and said with complete disgust, "Ugh! Mommy! HAIR?!?!?! In your PEE-PEE PLACE?? You've gotta be kidding me! That is GROSS." I nearly died laughing. I didn't have the heart to share with her that someday, she too, would have gross hair in her own pee-pee place.

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We're starting potty training with my 2-and-1/2 year old son and he wanted to know what that thing hiding under his diaper is called. I am of the school of thought that you should use the actual names of body parts with kids. My husband disagrees (thank you, MIL) so he told Alex that it is his "pee-pee". I cannot wait for MIL to come over again, so that she can hear Alex explain that he has a "creepy". Oh, even yesser.

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Conversation with my 6-year old son about his plans to go to college:

Son: Daddy, I don’t think I want to go to the Naval Academy.
Dad: That’s fine, bud. But college is important and when the time comes you will choose a good one I am sure.
Son: You and mommy went to college together right?
Dad: Yup.
Son: Daddy, I don’t think mommy knew you were a moron when she met you in college.


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We took the kids and the dog to the dog park. We have a Great Dane named Pixie so we get lots of attention. A woman at the park was telling my stepdaughter how beautiful our dog was and my stepdaughter said back in a helpful and hopeful voice, “Maybe when your dog dies you can get a dog like Pixie.”

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As a result of spelling words that are not to be comprehended by young children, my 5 year old has now come to believe that once you grow up you no longer pronounce words, you spell them. He is a budding reader and is still spelling phonetically. All of this has made for some interesting conversations lately.

Me: Would you like some grapes with that sandwich?
Kiddo: F U
Me: Excuse me?
Kiddo: F U, Daddy
Me: What did you say to me?
Kiddo: I said F U, DADDY
Me: Are you trying to spell something!?
Kiddo: Few. F U. Few!
Me: Here's your grapes, now run along.

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Thomas, doing some reading about Martin Luther King Jr: "Wow, it seems like he had a pretty nice life. Well, until someone shot him. Or is that Abraham Lincoln I'm thinking of? You know, there are some places people just shouldn't go in my head."


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Kid: "So and so gots a long way to go."
Mom: "Sweetie, you need to say 'has' instead of 'gots.'"
Kid: "Well...see, mom...I'm a 'gots' person."

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"Mom, remember that episode of the Simpsons with the hurricane? And how Homer didn't know there was going to be a hurricane? They sure are lucky they have Lisa. Homer didn't even know there'd be a hurricane until the dog blew away. *sigh* The poor animals always go first."

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And just when we’re ready to hit MommyLand Advisory System Threat Level Red, they give us this:

"Every time I give you a kiss, or blow you a kiss, or anything, they go right into you, so you can keep them for your whole life. They go right in your bones."

With love,
K&L


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10 comments:

  1. <3 it!!! Going to be a part 4? Thanks ladies!

    ReplyDelete
  2. This was great! I was talking to my (now 20 yr old) daughter today about when she was little and we used to watch Star Trek the Next Generation reruns a lot right after dinner... she was about 2 and asked me one day: "Mommy, how come Dumander Dyker and Captain Pee-card never goes potty?"

    I tried to tell her that on STNG, they had something in the elevator that vaporized their pee like the opposite of when they ask the replicator for food... she looked right at me like I was nuts and said: "Nah, they prolly go potty when there's dummershuls, like us."

    ReplyDelete
  3. Recently my almost-3-year-old was experimenting with a movie-theatre-style folding seat. I asked her several times to sit nicely and explained that she could get hurt if she kept playing with it.

    So she settled down with that patience particular to children and waited until I was distracted, then immediately folded up the seat and tried to stand on it.

    I caught her before she hit the floor, and as I was settling her (on my lap this time), she said in a very disapproving (and loud) voice "Mommy, I don't think that's a very good chair."...to the amusment of all in the area.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Love the phonetic speller!

    ReplyDelete
  5. My husband, when he cooks for himself, uses a lot of hot sauce, tuna, and whatever else he finds in the fridge or pantry. One day he was making himself lunch, and our 6yo daughter said: "Daddy, sometimes when you cook it smells bad to little children. I'm one of those children."

    ReplyDelete
  6. We were on our way home from picking up a buddy at the airport - about a 2.5-hour drive. My youngest, who was then 2yo, kept unbuckling the chest buckle on his carseat. I handed the duct tape (doesn't everyone keep duct tape in the car?) to my oldest who was then 9yo and sitting beside him: "Tape it down!"

    I meant for her to tape the buckle so he couldn't get it undone. She misunderstood, and unrolled a really long piece of tape. Holding it over the seat, preparing to tape HIM down, she said: "Mom, I really don't feel good about this."

    ReplyDelete
  7. My stepson would always say voila -- pronounced wa-la. So I corrected him one day. 'It's pronounced VOI-la. It's French.' Without missing a beat he said, 'Abigail, I like the American version better.'

    ReplyDelete
  8. My 6 year old son said,

    "Mama? I wooked (looked) out the window and made a wish on a star. And then I went to another window and made another wish. ANd to all the windows!"
    I said, "that's a lot of stars for wishes..."
    He said, "Don't worry, Mama. I left some for you."
    All together now:
    Awwwwwww.

    Your site is amazing. xoxo
    -kate
    http://she-says.org/

    ReplyDelete
  9. My favorite one to tell (and tell and tell until my friends could quote it, poor things) is about our songleader in church. My daughter LOVED Sherrod when she was two or three, but couldn't pronounce the middle syllable of his name. So she'd stand in the pew and holler "SHEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIID!" Yep, sounded just like she was screeching "shit" in church. My church group is laid back and thought it was pretty funny, but we live in a beach tourist town with lots of visitors, and I don't even want to know what they thought.

    ReplyDelete
  10. My almost 4 year old's newest thing? "MOOOMMMM Joey is pissing me off!" OMG! She says it constantly and in public and everything.

    The worst part of the whole thing is that I once told his dad on the phone "Joey is pissing me off". When she uses my inflection people just sigh.

    ReplyDelete

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