Monday, June 7, 2010

I Think My Kids Are Weird...

I love my kids but there are moments when I think: "Are my kids weird?  Like really weird?"

Please tell me I'm not the only one.  Other people think this too, right?  I mean, I guess it's actually good because I am only normal on paper.  In reality, I am not right.  But presumably you know that already because you read this blog. 

Would you like some examples?

Meow Meow Meow
Last week, while carpooling three kids from our neighborhood to school, Thumbelina (age 7) insisted that all conversations in the van consist exclusively of meows.  Technically, other cat noises were permitted.  Hissing and purring were fine provided they were done well.  She is nothing if not a perfectionist.

Also, I overheard a conversation that went like this: "If you were an animal, what would you be?"  To which Thumbelina responded that she would be an egg-sucking weasel.  Because of how much she loves eggs.  And because weasels can be sneaky and she loves sneakers.

The Darth Vader Prison Shower
I recently found myself hosing off my squealing, giggling 5 year old son with the shower's spray attachment.  While dressed as Darth Vader.  In all black clothes and a plastic mask.  The labored breathing is surprisingly easy to duplicate when you are forced to breathe through 1.5 cm hole in a sweaty plastic mask for twenty minutes.  Why did I do this?  Because the boy was disgusting and he refused to take a bath.  I had only one choice and this was it.  He was so dirty from playing outside and never wearing shoes that I had to use the shower attachment to hose down the tub afterwards.  Because their were twigs and grass and (what I choose to believe were) chunks of dirt all over my tub. 

And now, If I want him to get clean he shakes his head and hands me the black mask. 

What is that Smell?
I am forced to ask this question about fifteen times per day.  Often as result of flatulence.  My kids create enough noxious, explosive methane gas to blow up my house in a fireball you could see from space.  And it smells like they eat nothing but cabbage and bad meat.  The baby has been weaned for about a month and those post-breast milk diapers are unreservedly gag-inducing.  We also have a large, geriatric dog with chronic GI problems.  And that doesn't help.  But you would think they'd have learned to blame poor Woody dog for their olfactory offenses.  You would be wrong.  They take pride in that stink.  They made that stink.  I will never understand this.  They sometimes ask each other to look at particularly special poops in the potty as well.  They have given up on asking me.

The Dynasty Slap
My baby is now 18 months old. She is adorable and cherubic in her appearance. She is truly a sweet little thing. She is also strong willed. When she is unhappy with something, for example - not being allowed to play with steak knives - she screams in anger and then tries to slap you across the face. Not a little slap. A full on, hauls back from third base, Alexis Carrington bitch slap. I should have known. She's always been a slapper.

Nunts and Crunches
I know that all kids hear words and get them wrong.  For two years my kids referred to a certain set of books and movies as the "Narnicles of Chronia" and we never bothered to correct them.  But Thumbelina hears words, thinks she knows what they are and then gives seminars to her younger siblings about them.  Because she is the oldest and therefore knows everything. 

Here's a snippet: "No, Hawk.  That woman is called a NUNT.  They are married to GOD and live in churches but not the kind we go to.  The kind Grandmom in NJ goes to.  Nunts wear those long black dresses so you know what they are.  Grandpa Ned calls them penguins because he went to a school where they were his teachers a long, long time ago in the olden days in NJ and they used to hit him with a ruler.  Because teacher nunts are mean.  Nurse nunts are kind and good.  Mommy said.  Before we were born in a faraway land, Mommy worked at hospital with a lot of them and she said the nurse ones were nice.  They don't hit.  And that's good because if you fell down and broke your leg and had to use crunches to get around and a nunt hit you in the hospital you could fall down again."

Feet on My Face
My son is always putting his feet on people's faces.  Hawk has huge, clammy, moist, slappy boy feet.  They do not need to be on anyone's face.  At least three times a day I have to say: "What do I always tell you about putting your feet on people's face?!" And he says: "I know.  I can't help it!" or "But I have da socks on!" or "But I just put dem near your face..."

Bump-Its
Thumbelina once saw an infomercial for Bump-its.  She became obsessed.  So like an idiot, I bought some for her after she had a particularly good week at school.  She now wants to wear them everywhere she goes.  Like school.  Or choir practice.  Or a birthday party at a bowling alley.  When she wears a bump-it, she feels fancy and special.  And a strong urge to accessorize takes over.  For a trip to Walmart, she paired her bump-it up-do with a pair of red wayfarer sunglasses, a rainbow striped sundress and a magenta clutch.  You might think she would look like a little nightmare pageant queen.  Oh no.  She looked like a cross between Dame Edna and the blond chick from the B-52's.  She thinks she looks amazing.

Downward Dog
The baby has a thing for face planting.  It is odd.  She sees something soft: a pillow or blanket or sweatshirt on the floor and she face plants into it.  She turns her small face slightly so she can breathe, squinches up her eyes real tight, and pops her diaper bottom up in the air so that she makes triangle.  Then she starts cooing: "Wheeeerreee-aaarrreee-youuuuuu?"  Because apparently, in this position, she becomes invisible.  

When she is ready to return to a visible state, she usually notifies us by screaming out a high pitched squawk not unlike the noise a seagull would make if it were being torn apart by lions.  This noise has been clinically proven to cause myocardial infarction in otherwise healthy adults.

Oh, hello baby.  You're back.  How charming you are.

What's it All About, Alfie?
As if Thumbelina weren't eccentric enough - the Cap'n gave her a handful of old cd's to listen to in her room.  Things we knew were safe for small ears and didn't listen to much or had uploaded to iTunes.  Her favorite is Burt Bachrach's Greatest Hits.  She can found playing Barbies and signing along with "Do You Know the Way to San Jose?" and "Walk on By".  She has no idea why we think this is so funny.

I actually don't know the way to San Jose. 

You get it now, right?  My kids are awesome and fantastic.  But they're a little weird.  I haven't even gotten into Hawk's obsessions with his tuxedo or Star Wars.  Or how the baby seems to enjoy eating dog food.  With me as their mother, though, this oddness is perhaps unavoidable. 

And I wouldn't want them any other way.


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27 comments:

  1. One summer, my co-worker was telling me about her girls taking ballet and doing girl scout camp. All I had was that week my boys had made a voodoo doll and crucified a 12" Aragorn action figure in the back yard.

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  2. First, you're awesome for donning the Star Wars outfit to shower him with. I am nowhere near woman enough for that even despite the stench. Thankfully my 3 y/o loves baths. Her 10 y/o brother - not so much anymore but he's too old for me to interfere much more than to tell him when he gets Scabies I don't want to hear it. Yeah I really told him that. Then he searched the net and found out what Scabies are and now he actually uses soap with his water.

    Second, Elizabeth slapped and scratched too. She would also headbutt She gave my mom a bloody nose and black eye. When Joe would come home and I was visibly injured he would roll his eyes and take her to snuggle with him and she never slapped, bit, or headbutted him. Kids are fully evil that way.

    Finally, wait until they're older and they have a big vocabulary of words that they throw out there thinking they know what they mean when they really have NO idea. My 10 y/o is the KING of this and my husband has developed an eye twitch as a result. Most days you can hear the phrase "if you don't know what a word means DON'T USE IT" coming from my husband multiple times. Awesome.

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  3. My girl is 16 months old and does the same things. The tackling anything snuggly on the floor. Eating the dog food every time we go to my mom's house. Apparently, dog really is man's best friend because she doesn't touch the cat food. Running around with dirty socks in her mouth, giggling. Tonight, she played tackle Daddy's stinky foot for 20 minutes squealing and cackling, "I got it!!!!" every single time she won. The boys, well, they have a few years on her but I'm sure she'll catch up with their oddities.

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  4. If your kids are weird, then mine must be too. *The "foot" thing gave me such affirmation because I cannot go a single day, without hearing "Mom!! So-in-so put his/her/its foot in my mouth!" and I'm like "how in the hell does this happen to my kids?" I went my whole childhood without ever getting another person's foot in my mouth.
    *and we have the darth vader costume and it never.comes.off...and the same boy has this "leather jacket" (that is really a Bratz black jacket I got at a yard sale for a halloween accessory for Indiana Jones and scratched out the Bratz girls with a marker but he doesn't know that)and he wants to wear it all the time like he's a Hell's Angel biker or something.
    *my seven year old girl= Thumbelina, and she thinks she is so cool in whatever she comes up with wearing to Walmart or Mass or to see great-G'ma at the nursing home.
    *and my baby has the voice only a mother (and a pack of dogs) can appreciate.
    THANK YOU!! Now I have a support group for these kids of mine!

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  5. LOL I am glad to see my family is not weird at all, my son (almost 2) is the strong willed slapper who likes to faceplant into everything. It's fun until he face plants my chest then simultaneously slaps and bites me at he same time.

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  6. Thank goodness I'm not alone! But we seem to have done it to ourselves. Teach them to wave and say Bye-Bye? Not in this house! We taught the 16 month old to throw his head back and howl like a dog and kick his leg up while yelling HIIIYAAAH. LOL It's pretty sad when the daycare teacher says " you teach him the coolest stuff!"

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  7. I have nothing to say. I am laughing too hard. Your kids are AWESOME

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  8. A lady I work with has two sons that I went to high school with. Recently one of their friends was home and she was telling me what they were all like when they were kids. Apparently one night at the dinner table this friend had tied a bit of string around a fly and had it like a pet on a leash. She swore that he was either going to be a serial killer or a doctor. Guess what? He's a doctor now. So embrace the weird and hope for the best!

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  9. Oh this is too funny! We all have kids who are weird in different ways. My 5 year old GRILLS people who are single or don't have any kids - So, WHEN are you getting married? Why don't you have any kids? Don't you want kids? How many kids do you want? On and on!! It's like he's someone's old grandma! My 3 year old worries because she doesn't understand HOW her brain turns back on in the morning. It's a constant Q&A session about how she'll wake up in the morning. My 1 year old likes to pinch the fat around my waist while I'm changing her diaper - she's just trying to remind me who's responsible for the fact that my body will never be the same.
    Thank you thank you for a laugh on a not so great day!
    xoxo

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  10. I am stuck home from work today with a sick 3yr old and this has me in tears laughing so hard...wich is so what i needed after beign up every couple hours w/a feverish kid for the past two nights. My 1yr old is a major slapper too and is a master downward dogger/faceplanter...glad to know he's not the only little odd ball out there.

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  11. This one should be in the favorites! I LOVE THIS ONE! RJM

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  12. My 2yr old is not just a slapper, she is a puncher, she will draw her fist back like Mike Tyson and let it rip, and then look at you with the sweetest pouty face and sign "sorry".

    @ Kathy - my 6 yr old does the same thing, there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't come home from school, so and so put this in my mouth or nose or ear. And I'm like "REALLY?!?" cause I've gone my whole life without someone just putting something in my mouth, ear or nose.

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  13. My daughter is two and her weirdness is that as soon as she sits down, her leg starts floating up. It didn't occur to me until reading your post that maybe she is just looking for someone's face to put it in. I was recently somewhat vindicated when I found out my nephews (4 and 7) can't sit "properly" (ie limbs pointing DOWNWARDS) either. On the other hand, there goes my hope that she'll grow out of it anytime soon...

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  14. Oh, gee... where to begin on this one. My 4- and 7-year-old would play in mud all afternoon -- to the horror of the at-home mommies on my block. I'm an at-home dad, however, and I even let them have a special little mud pit.

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  15. My children are so bizarre that I was seriously considering doing a book proposal called "My Children are Weird. Is it Okay to Say That?" Maybe we should collaborate.

    I particularly appreciated the Alexis Carrington slap. Know that one.

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  16. Love, love, love the "Narnicles of Chronia"... I still refer to the 7th Harry Potter by the title my oldest gave it: "Harry Potter and the Deadly Hoes." And episodes like Nunts & Crunches are fairly regular, but I don't have the presence of mind to write them down, and with Mommy Brain, I instantly forget them.

    We also have the feet thing here, with two boys, both with massive feet. And they can't sit normally in a chair (in fact, one regularly fell off the chair and sometimes still does - and he's not the squirmy one!).

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  17. I can totally see the power of the Darth Vader mask. May have to try that next time I have to wrestle Little Dude into the tub.

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  18. My girls (2 & 4) also meow all the time! They will play and not even utter a real word, only meow and somehow they understand each other. The 2 year old has called me "Mommy-cat" almost since she started talking. She is baby-cat, then there is sister-cat and Daddy-cat. Sometimes to get her to listen to me I call her Baby-cat and she listens! Or call her food catfood and she'll eat it. This past New Years, we were at a friend's where she ate soft dog food (by the 4 year old's request) and she tells EVERYONE about it like it was yesterday. The 2 years squeals can only be heard by dogs :)

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  19. Lydia, relax, this is not weird, this is being an individual. It is true that kids need to learn to respect boundaries. Aunt Mary's glasses need to stay on her face or she can't see you. She was out at the local park concert last evening walking with a friend and her 8 year old. We were away from most of the park visitors, when her son needed to relieve himself and whizzed in the middle of the lawn. We might have missed it entirely, but the boy's best friend pointed it out so we would not miss this. My friend was embarrased, but fairly calm. Aunt Mary would have hauled one of hers home, and lost her shmidt.
    Just think, if they are ever kidnapped, the kidnappers will pay you to take them back! (read the Ransome of Red Chief, a short story for this reference.)

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  20. I can't wait to watch "SuperTroopers" with Thumbelina when she gets older... MEOW!

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  21. Oh dear. My 6 MONTH old does the downward dog and has since he was 3 months old. He especially likes to do it when I'm trying to put him to sleep. He also slaps and pinches and scratches. Oy.

    And he likes to suck on my nose and my chin. Ew. Please excuse me while I go wipe off the slobber.

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  22. My 5 year old dressed up as Gene Simmons for Halloween last year. My kids are "special" as we say around here. He also took cauliflower as his snack for the Halloween party at school and last night begged to eat with Mom-Mom because she was having spinach and he wanted some. My oldest had a trick or treat bucket that he wore as a hat all the time, everywhere we went. And the elaborate and well, interesting outfits are a whole nother story.

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  23. I'm moving in. Seriously. I want to live with you and your awesome kids.

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  24. I laughed so hard all the way through this one that the six-year-old has been standing next to me, asking, "What? What's funny? Why are you laughing?"

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  25. The dog food thing is totally normal. My Mom used to run a home day care & all the kids went through the dog food phase. My own two did, too. My now-3-year-old was particularly hard to convince. One day, her Daddy got done telling her how dog food was for dogs & she was a little girl (this was at about 16 months). She got down on hands & knees and started crawling toward the dog dish. When asked why she was crawling, she looked at Daddy like "this should be obvious even to clueless grown-ups" and said "Dog" & proceeded to eat dog food, while Mama and Daddy Lost. It.

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  26. Oh I totally blog about my kid and her weirdness. She called the whole FAM to see her poops in the past and Sunday was a dooozy! It was turquoise...which is what happens when you eat Batman Blue frosting off a cupcake apparently - From TARGET, of course.

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  27. I've never seen or heard of a weirder kid than my son. He is almost 3 and this is what he does all day everyday: first of all, he doesn't talk. But he makes every other noise imaginable. He likes to scrunch his face, curl his upper lip back so you can see all his teeth, then snuffle and snort. He runs full speed across the living room and throws himself bodily (sometimes backwards) against the couch, then runs and does the same to the other couch. He stands right in front of the tv and licks it, then dances on tiptoes and flaps his arms frantically while roaring. Then he turns in circles for about 15 mins (somehow does this without getting dizzy). He enjoys picking things off the floor, or his own body and eating it. He loves to throw himself against peoples' crotches/stomachs who are sitting on the couch and backwards headbutts our chests. He doesn't play with most toys as they are intended, and for example, if something has a button you have to push to get it to work, we show him how to do it and he does actually seem to understand, but he will grab our hand and force us to push it for him instead of doing it himself. This is just the tip of the weirdness iceberg. I'm glad to know my kid isn't the only weird one, but I also worry he won't grow out of it... he's gonna look really weird as a tiptoeing, flapping, grunting, spinning 30 year old -.-

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