Thursday, June 10, 2010

Mommy's Deteriorating Mental Health

Have you ever had a really, really bad day that reinforced that you were (a) a bad mother and (b) perilously close to losing your schmidt and (3) in very bad need of a break?  That was my day.  Here's what happened.
  • I woke up exhausted and running late.  So... normal.
  • Sent my daughter to school without breakfast.  Didn't realize that she hadn't eaten it until after she had been at school for thirty minutes and I saw the dog stealing it off the counter and scarfing it down.
  • Our geriatric dog nearly died of pancreatitis last week.  It was horrible.  After $550, two days in doggy ICU, a regimen of narcotics fit for a Lohan and his precious canine life still hanging by spit...  The one thing the vet told me we HAD TO DO was make sure the dog did not eat any fat.  So you can imagine how happy I was to see him eat the two pieces of toast slathered in butter. 
  • My son wore Crocs to camp at his preschool.  They were different colors.  One was broken.  They were both left feet.  I didn't notice until he walked into the building.
  • When I got home from dropping him off, I went to unbuckle the baby from her car seat.  Except she was already unbuckled. And naked.  She had unbuckled herself and then stripped off.  She's 18 months old. 
  • I got the baby down for a nap.  Then started to prioritize the 5 hours of crap and chores I needed to knock out in 90 minutes of naptime.  Fantastic.  Another day of crunchy, filthy rugs and laundry piling up.
  • Dang it!  Realized with a start that I was going to have to re-run the washing machine because everything in it had soured.  So I re-ran the machine.  For the THIRD time. 
  • The baby woke up screaming after one hour.  Went in to find her completely naked again and covered in her own excrement.  Also, her entire crib.
  • Look at clock.  Have twenty minutes to bathe baby, dress baby, clean up what appears to be three gallons on poopers and drive fifteen minutes to the preschool to pick up Hawk.
  • The school calls.  Thumbelina is at the nurse's office with a stomach ache because (as she told the nurse) "mommy told me I couldn't have my breakfast because I took too long to put on my shoes."  I tried to explain that I was not a Joan Crawford style-abusive psycho and the child actually left her breakfast on the kitchen counter.  The nurse was like: "All righty then, Mrs. Coupon.  I'll just give her a granola bar and send her back to class."
  • Guilt.  Shame.  Sigh .... Oh-my-Maude-I-am-so-friggin-late-crappitty-CRAP.
  • Arrive at the preschool late of course, to find my poor son forlornly waiting for me in the dreaded role of  'last kid'.  I walk in, give him a kiss and took a moment to talk to the teachers.  Until one of them made a funny face and said: "What is that smell?"  
  • OK, first of all: That's my line.  And second of all, that smell is ME
  • was unknowingly covered in had a little poop on me.  Its just that after cleaning it all up, it was all I could smell.  And of course I was wearing a black t-shirt so I couldn't exactly see the poo smears.  Awesome.  My third school-related humiliation so far today.   
  • Get home and change into a new black t-shirt.  Realize that it's 2:00pm and I haven't had a shower and I still sort of smell, just not like baby poo. 
  • Try and sneak a shower.  Just get my hair wet when I hear maniacal cackling so loud that its impossible to ignore.  Step out of the shower soaking wet and tip toe into the hallway, stepping onto something round and crunchy and almost fall down.  Oh sweet LORD.
  • The baby has stolen a brand new, extra large box of Kix cereal, carried it out into the hallway and dumped the entire thing all over the hard wood floor.  The cereal is an inch deep and the two kids are gleefully screeching and stomping the cereal into dust.  Whuck?!
  • The dog comes scrambling into the hallway at a full run, skids out and starts gobbling Kix as fast as he can eat it.
  • I'm not proud of what happened next.  I turned around, got back in the still-running shower, washed my hair, cried for a minute, got out and got dressed.  When I checked on the kids and dog maybe seven minutes later, they were still happily stomping on Kix.  Actually, the dog had already done a bunch of clean up for me.  Happily, that particular brand of cereal is low fat.
  • My neighbor and good friend Ellen offered to pick up Thumbelina from school for me.  Which is great, because it gave me the time I needed to clean it up.  Swept, vacuumed, mopped. 
  • Doorbell!  Hugged Thumbelina and thanked Ellen and then heard the same maniacal cackling and crunching sounds.  Schmidt.
  • The baby just did the exact same thing all over again, except this time she did with a slightly smaller box of Honey Nut Cheerios.  Furckitty furckwad.
  • Twenty minutes later the mess is clean and I'm pretty sure my dog is going to need to go back to the ICU because even though I kept shoving him out of the hallway, he may have eaten more cereal.  That can't be good. 
  • Also, Thumbelina is sobbing on the couch because I won't let her stomp on the cereal and the other kids got to do it twice.  And I am the meanest mommy in the world. 
  • Is it be possible to go one, single day without somebody crying or freaking out?  Please?
  • Peace and quiet.  We are snuggled on the couch in a heap watching Scooby-Doo and for the moment, everyone is happy.  It's wonderful. 
  • DANG.  IT.  We have to leave for swim practice in four minutes.  No one wants to go, especially me.  I have no idea where the towels are or if they're clean, they're still in the bag from yesterday. 
  • Show up a few minutes late, with all of us in foul moods because we'd all rather be on the couch watching Scooby.  Walk right into Mean Mommy who Hates Me.  Fantastic.  Now I have a stomach ache and feel like I'm back in seventh grade and a pimply loser. 
  • Hurry up, practice.  Hurry up and be over.  
  • Longest. Practice. Ever.
  • Get home, exhausted and sweaty.  Stumble up to the house carrying squirmy baby, purse and two pool bags filled with wet crap.  Why am I carrying everything?!  Why won't my big kids come in the house?!  What the hell is for dinner?!  When is the Cap'n getting home from work?!   Woody, GAWDAMMIT, stop barking!  I can't find my keys!
  • Mommy loses her mind and is suddenly Spittin'-Cherry-Pits-Moon-Bat-Crazy.  In the front yard.  In front of a couple of neighbors who are just coming home from work.
  • Kids are now crying and walking on eggshells because Mommy clearly needs a check up from the neck up. 
  • Except for the baby.  Who does not appreciate being spoken to like that.  So she slaps me across the face as hard as she can.
  • I sort of needed that.  Well played, baby.
  • Frozen pizza for dinner, it is!  For the kids, I mean.  For me, it's 7:08pm and I am tapping the T-box early tonight.
  • Bathe, feed and put the children to bed, remembering to be kind and loving as it is not their fault that I suck. 
  • They are finally all in bed, quiet but not asleep yet.  Then the dog starts barking again (he really must be feeling better) and I hear keys in the door.  Daddy's home.  It's 8:25.
  • "DAAAADDDYY! DADDY!  DADDY! YAY!!! DADDDY!" (Scamper, slappy, jumping, barking, baby crying)
  • I give the Cap'n a pleading look, pour another glass, go into our bedroom and lock the door.  I'm not coming back out until they're all asleep. 
  • At 9:30, I get the "all clear".  I am super buzzy from two XXL glasses of wine.  I smooch the Cap'n, who is delighted with his dinner of cold Red Baron pizza and warm beer after a 14 hour work day. 
  • Did I forget to mention that I'm also awesome at being a wife?
  • Too tired to care, I collapse in the chair, put on True Blood and fall into a stupor.  It's totally awesome. 
  • HOLY FRIGGIN CRAP!  It's almost midnight.  How did that happen? 
  • Note to self: Tomorrow at 6am, I will be both exhausted and hung over and have accomplished nothing. 
Before I fall asleep I say a prayer:  "Dear God, Lydia here.  Thank you for my family and for keeping them safe and healthy.  I'm sorry for being such a wiener and also for getting drunk.  Please help me to be a good mom and a good person and to always be grateful for all that I have and clearly don't deserve.  Thank you for the people who love me even though I'm an idiot.  Oh, and if you could maybe aim your omnipotence and benevolence in this direction, not having a hangover tomorrow would be great because I am going to have work extra hard at not being jackhole as it is.  Thank you. Amen."

Sigh... Tomorrow is another day.

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  1. Huge hugs to you, Lydia! Sorry you had such a crappy day.

  2. Did you know that it never really says "God will never give you more than you can handle" in the Bible. I know a lot of people say that, but it's not true. He just promises to walk with us through the crap, and never leave us. Have a good sleep, it's only 9:30 in Washington. If it makes you feel better I completely failed as a wife tonight. Forgot to record the Stanley Cup Final for my husband. He even sent me a text...and I replied "ok". Poor guy.

  3. I don't know how you find the time and energy to share with us after a day like that, but thank you so much for doing so! What struck me the most - after all the "Oh-my-Maude!" moments - was after The Day From Hell, your last thought was gratitude. That alone makes you a Great Mom.

  4. I am so, so sorry for your crappity-crap-crap day. Those are days when I tend to log into FB and post something genius like "I am so DONE. DONE to the power of DONE. Where are the FREAKIN GYPSIES when I need them?!?" And then I log off and cry about how much I SUCK. But good moms tend to think they suck more than bad ones, so you rock.

  5. I have one kid, she is only a month old and I already feel like this :(

  6. deja vu during this story.Especially the part about the Kix. Except mine used a dozen eggs. REALLY fuuun to clean up. Yeah, I sceamed then cried. Then the kids cried. Then we all sat in the middle of the egg mess and cried together. Cuz it was just that kind of day. So I totally understand you, and it feels good to know I'm not the only one. Except I was out of wine. And my husband was working a 24 hour shift at the firehouse. So I couldnt run and hide. period. But thanks for sharing!

  7. IM NOT ALONE! Specially with needing to run the washer a THIRD time AND with leaving the kids to play in a mess so I can get something accomplished! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!-You do know you're not alone right? *HUGS!*

  8. Lydia,

    You guys make me feel so much better about my parenting! I work full time and still have days like that with all 3 kids and the dog!

  9. The cereal? Yeah, a box of oatmeal squares was my UNDOING a year and a half ago. Nervous hospital here I come! See, not alone and not all that bad, huh? :)

  10. Day. From. Hell.

    I'm so so sorry. I actually when a little crazy just reading this and thinking about it happening to me!!

  11. Oh man, I am so glad this kind of stuff doesn't just happen to me! Rock on Lydia. For serious.

  12. If it makes you feel any better, my 2 year old son either ate or fed to my lab three of my birth control pills today. While I was on Facebook like a loser.

  13. This post makes me feel not alone.

    I was laughing so hard though because you have described some things that actually have happened to me. Yesterday I wondered how long one of my twins was running around without a diaper on before I actually noticed it because I was too busy trying to get his sister to stop taunting her older brother who was in time out for pouring water on the floor and making fun (but slippery) footprints all over my floor.

    You are a good mom.

  14. Thanks for letting me know i'm not alone! I have SO been there. Especially the poo/preschool pickup part. I really should start drinking!

  15. Been there. Every time I Really try to go all Stepford Wife-Donna Reed perfect, this Exact scenario happens to me. Sorry you had a soul-sucking day!!!! I HATE those days where you RUN at full speed all day and go backwards the whole time. Tomorrow IS another day, Thank GOD!!! Good job only losing your schmidt once;0) You're a Great Mom!!!!

  16. Note to self: Use the phrase "need a check up from the neck up" at some point this week.

    Sorry you had such a crappy day! Your baby cracks me up though - probably only because I have not been slapped in the face like that!

  17. Just a helpful tip...put duct tape over the straps on the baby's diaper. I had to do that with my son after constantly having to clean up poop.

  18. First time reading this blog and I love it. You need to quit beating yourself up. The backing away from it all shower crying bit was what any good mom would do. The best moms take time for themselves. Well, they should. Most of us don't. If you truly want to feel better about yourself check my blog out...if you have time and the inclination and a glass of wine =)

  19. and FYI - no, it is NOT possible to go one, single day without somebody crying or freaking out...sigh

  20. just reminded me that I have a load in the washing machine that is 2 days old. LOL

    Just stumbled upon this blog and I have to of the best blogs I've seen in a while. As moms, we can all...sadly but proudly, relate. :P

  21. Oh man. What a day. But! All the cereal getting dumped out? Is a perfect excuse to go to Target and buy more cereal. And more wine. And something pretty.

  22. It is glad to know I am not alone and there is someone brave enough to post about crazy days! Where were you all 9 years ago?

  23. You are awesome. This made my day. I'm glad I'm not alone.

  24. Here's one more "been there, done that," another round of "thank you for admitting you have days like this so I can, too," and especially, an echo of "sorry about the crappy day."

    Why is it so much easier for me to still see that you rock after all that than to forgive myself when some of the flying shit sticks to me after a particularly nasty storm of it?

    Bless you!

  25. Let my ten month old lab lick the carving board after I made a little roasted chicken. He sucked down all the goopey, gooey deliciously tasty chicken drippings and then went into total intestinal arrest. Pancreatitis. Awful. I was sure we'd killed him.

    And, not letting the labrador have ANY fat is a killjoy like not letting Mommy have wine. Sucky overall.

  26. I just found this blog and LOVE have described in a nut shell the life of a mom! Your phrasings are CLASSIC! I now have something to look forward to reading everyday, Thank You!

  27. I feel the same except for me it is -

    Crap, we have to get the boo boo up at 6;30am to soak her infected toe that mommy poo poo'd the other day until daddy looked and saw it was a pus-filled mess...then get her and I clothed and bathed to go to daycare and work - remembering I have not brushed her hair in TWO DAYS as we walk up the drive into daycare AND her half-sisters High School graduation is tonight. By tomorrow my blonde child will have dreadlocks.

    And me? I can barely speak because last night in frustration on the phone with T-bone I said, "I love you too honey. talk to you later..." which translated to screaming f-uuuuuuu three times at the top of my lungs in the car & instantly losing my voice. Karma on Mama?

    I get to work and JOY today is the potluck that we are having for one of the owners who is YOUNGER than me and able to retire. Yeah, this guy needs my fruit salad. *hisss on whoever decided we should do this*

    And soon I have to go face my husbands snotty and clueless fugly ex, and her husband who is too tall to talk to, at my step-daughters graduation, plus the party all day saturday at their house.

    Can I please have you send two t-boxes and a sippy cup? And prayers that I remember that I love my step-daughter and the rest of my family! reading you. makes me feel better that I am not alone.

  28. I cut and pasted the Mommy needs a checkup from the neck up as my quote of the day... then I got to the prayer... AMEN Sister... however, hint.. sometimes we have to just miss the lesson and go with the Scooby moments.. Be Still and Know that I am God.. or just catch our breath. LOVE YA.

  29. you do not suck, you rock!!

    sure, life with the kids was a bit of a disaster today, but think of all the joy you bring to all your blog readers around the world when you share your pain and suffering! doesn't that make it totally worth it?? :)

    "well played, baby" made me laugh out loud, and boy did I need a giggle

    thanks for sharing :) big hugs to you and hope you don't suffer too much in the morning!

  30. UGH! I hate days like this! Cheers to you for surviving. Kids survived and were fed, KUDOS! Frozen pizza totally counts as food and is a major favorite by the children in my house. Sometimes I think they make me lose my schmidt on purpose so they can have fun things like frozen pizza or cereal for dinner.

  31. Man do I feel your pain. I'm having the same kind of day. Imagine my relief when I checked your blog and saw I wasn't alone. It's not just me. And my hubby's only been gone for a week leaving me alone with the three young kiddos. As soon as he's back, I'll join ya' for a t-box. Sounds like we've both earned it. p.s. we put a lock on the pantry to keep out our little man...but no worries, he figured out how to unlock it in about two days. Rats!

  32. So sorry you had a bad day!!! Those days are the worst!! I once had a breakdown in the middle of the kitchen when I took the time to take a shower and my then 3 y/o son mixed raw eggs, Koolaid powder (red), and milk in the middle of the kitchen floor. It was a carpet floor. First I cried because who in the heck puts carpet in the kitchen?! Then I cried because it was like the 9th mess he'd made that day and I had spent all day cleaning up mess after mess and if I had just skipped that shower... So I full on had a breakdown in the kitchen. The worst? I had ONE KID at that point and he did stuff like that all of the time and child safety locks had no effect and his dad worked out of town, and, and, and... I really didn't think we'd live through those days. ((((HUGS))))

  33. I have the perfect solution.
    A. Yell it out, and when you're sick of yelling
    B. Xanax

  34. This is my first visit to you, and if I had known how incredibly funny you were in describing your day from *&$^, I would have kept my coffee away from the keyboard.

    Thanks for the morning smile--this mommy stuff is not for the faint of heart!

  35. Freakin' CLASSIC!!! LOVE IT!!!

  36. Tip on the baby undressing herself at naps:
    Get the zip up footy jammies and put them on her backwards. For this warm weather just cut off the legs and arms. It will look ghetto but she will not get out of them.

  37. LOVE THIS. Just laughed until I cried. Preach it!

  38. OMG. Been reading this blog for a few months now and it is so awesome I've told all my mommy friends about it.
    Reading this at work now and even though I'm a sleep deprived, defacto-single-mom, overworked, stressed out mess I soooooo needed to take the time to read this (and comment)....made me laugh (and cry) so hard my coworkers in the next cube thought I was having a breakdown! Made my day! Thanks for being so funny and awesome...and posting something every day to make us all laugh! :)

  39. Thank you for the people who love me even though I'm an idiot. Oh, and if you could maybe aim your omnipotence and benevolence in this direction, not having a hangover tomorrow would be great because I am going to have work extra hard at not being jackhole as it is. Thank you. generic viagra products




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