Friday, June 4, 2010

Open Letter: Pool Etiquette for Adults

Dear Idiotic Jackholes at the Community Pool,

It's that time of year.  The pool is open and we will be there - almost every day.  So I think it's time to make sure we're all on the same page.  Because some people do not seem to have any sense and that makes Lydia and Kate crazy.   We have a couple of items to address with grown-ups, teenagers and small children.  Let's get started with the grown-ups, shall we? Teenagers and their bullschmidt we will deal with at lunch and little kids we will post right after school.  So check back later...

Adult crazy people, here are a couple of things you would know if you weren't idiotic.

It's Not Europe: Kate approaches swimsuit season like it's her job. She's at the gym and all about finding the perfect suit and has actual concerns about tan lines. So when SHE has issues with what you're wearing at the pool, it's a big freakin' deal. Your swimsuit barely contains enough actual fibers in it to make a decent Kleenex, much less an entire garment. And, you're at the community pool, ya jackass, not Rio. Brazilians would cringe at what you're wearing and these are the people who have perfected the art of ripping hair from your hoohah. Which we did not need to know you do, but thanks for the visual can someone please come burn my retinas. Now, go put on some clothes fortheloveofPete, because I'm pretty certain that elastic is gonna give out any second, and then someone is gonna lose an eye.  

Lydia and Kate's Rules
If you are an adult man and not a professional athlete or regularly competing in triathlons, you. may. not. wear. a. speedo.  If you are a professional athlete or regularly competing in triathlons, go on with your bad self.  It's still funny but, as you know, Lydia and I love to giggle. 

If you are an adult woman, please be judicious.  None of us have the bodies we truly want and if you do, we strongly advise you to keep that keep information to yourself.  We should be careful about not exposing small children to parts they don't need to see and exposing ourselves to ridicule.  If you have more than three kids, are over 40, are not a professional model or athlete, are wearing a swimsuit that is more string than bikini or that has been seen on Paris Hilton...  Please, please reconsider your choice.  We say this with love.

Also, in the south of France children run around naked when they go swimming.  This is not the Riviera.  This is the suburbs so for the love of Maude slap a swimmy diaper on that kid. More on this later.

The Lifeguard is Not a Babysitter: And guess what?  Neither am I.  You need to actually pay attention to your kids.  Otherwise they could... oh, we don't know... DROWN.  Here's the deal.  The lifeguard is a fifteen-year old girl more concerned with how she looks in swimsuit and twirling her whistle-on-a-lanyard than with guarding anyone's actual life.  Know that fact.  Plus, it's a big pool.  She can't see everything.

I am a stranger.  Never, never leave your precious children in the care of a stranger.  Now, yes it is true that I would take good care of your child in your absence but you have no way of knowing that.  I could be a crazy person who would decide to take your child and drop him off with Ricky at the Bouncy Haus of Horrors.  So don't leave your child with strangers and don't just assume because I am there and because I am a mommy that it is somehow my job to supervise your kids while you become engrossed in a book or cell phone conversation.

Do Not Release the Toddlers: Let's discuss the seething, disgusting petri dish of nastiness that is the baby pool.  I hate it and yet, there I will be all summer long.  There's always kids inside the fenced in area that is the baby pool (I call it the enclosure) that want to escape.  I don't blame them.  I don't want to swim in a diaper pail either.  But you don't ever, ever, EVER release one of the little monkeys from the enclosure.  Why?  Because they could get killed.  They could hop in the big pool and drown.  They could run out of the pool complex and into the street.  Anything could happen to them.  And if it does, it could happen in an instant.  Anyone with a lick of sense knows this.  And yet last weekend I saw a grown ass woman walk over to the baby pool enclosure and open the gate for a tiny child to toddle out of.  The child toddled right over to the big pool and fell in while his mother watched and screamed "NOOOO!  STOOOOP!" in slow motion.  The kiddo was totally fine and returned to his momma in about 15 seconds but I nearly went ape schmidt on the jackhole who decided to take it upon herself to let him out. 

I wanted to say "I will meet you in the parking lot in five minutes and I will have a sock filled with quarters and I will be swinging for the fences" but instead I gave her The Look and asked what in tarnation she was thinking about.  She mumbled something and ran out.  Which was smart of her because an angry mob was forming.

God Made Swimmy Diapers For A Reason: Last summer, some dumb ass had their kid swim in the baby pool in a regular diaper that, I kid you not, was visibly full of crap.  Several of her asked us to do something.  She didn't speak English.  She didn't understand the international sign for "change the poopy diaper" (point at kid's disgusting, engorged diaper and wave hand under nose then pretend to vomit).  So the other moms (independent of each other - we didn't know each other) all removed themselves and their children from the baby pool and told on her.  To what high authority did we appeal?  The 18-year old Head Life Guard.  The Head Guard actually said: "Duuuuuudde!  That is soooo groosss!"

I still gag when I think about it.  If your toddler is not potty trained - PUT THEM IN A SWIMMY DIAPER.  If that child pees or poops in it - and here's a completely crazy and novel concept - CHANGE THE DIAPER.  The end, snitches. 

Because not every pool has a Carl to clean out the turds...

xoxo K&L

PS: Check back at lunchtime for pool etiquette for teenagers.

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