Friday, June 4, 2010

Open Letter: Pool Etiquette for Teenagers

Dear Teenagers who Swim at the Same Pool as Myself and Small Children,

I understand that many of you actually work at the pool and are responsible for safe-guarding my kids' young lives.  In itself, that is horrifying.  The rest of the teenagers at the pool are there to "relax, man" which means distract those who are trying to keep people alive and inadvertently teach my young children profanity.

This does not mean I don't like you, teenagers.  I actually love teenagers.  Provided they don't live in my house.  Because I firmly believe that most teenagers are great.  For everyone who is not their mother (or big sister who they live with and whose rules they have to follow). 

So here's what you need to know to have nice summer at the pool without my losing my schmidt and hollering at you, which is like totally embarrassing and supawk.

Beware of "The Dude"

Here's the thing, at every pool there is a dude.  Eventually he may become the The Dude, as we see here.  But for now, we are discussing a much younger dude.  He's a guy that has graduated from High School or has been a senior for a looong time.  He is always there, hanging out.  I have never been to the pool without seeing him.  He can do mad acrobatics on the diving board.  If he has a girlfriend, she is much younger and the tongue kissing PDA's you will be subjected to are nauseating.  Mostly he is on the prowl for girls who appear to be waaaayyyy too young for him.  As a teenager you may have thought this dude was sooo cool, for about ten minutes or until your mother saw him. 

Now that you are a mother, you're about ready to give him ten minutes of a Gitmom special that will put him right in his place.   I wish there were some way to put teenage girls' brains in a time machine so they could see this Dude at age 27, when he will still be living at home, delivering pizza, smoking weed and playing X-Box constantly.

Do you know what he sounds like?  He sounds exactly like this friggin' dude.

You are All Stupid: Teenagers are stupid.  Even the smart ones are stupid.  And the less clothes they wear, the stupider they become.  At the pool, they're practically naked.  That means they're essentially non-verbal.  The scary part is at the community pool - they are running the show.  They are life guards, the pool managers, the babysitters.  There is the rare truly intelligent and responsible teenager, who can always be counted upon to do what they say and be where they're supposed to be.  I have yet meet one but I understand they exist.

So be careful, teenagers.  Be especially careful, lone smart and responsible teenager - because as my dad used to say: "In land of the blind, the one-eyed man in king." 

I Don't Want to See Your Parts:
To the girls. Yes, it's super that since last September, you've acquired yourself some boobs. Well done. Someday you'll wish you could take them off and put them in a drawer. Until then, can you maybe wear something that actually covers your new jugs?  Or keister? We're not asking for granny pants. We'd just like you to stick to one kind of cleavage.  Also, how about a bikini top that doesn't make it empirically evident that you have a piercing in your nipple? The children aren't swarming around you because they think you're cool. They're wondering if you're a pirate.  And dear, their parents are wondering if you're a pirate hooker.

To the guys. Please look down. Inside the waistband of your swim trunks is a handy little string used to tighten them up. We understand the whole fashionable let-the-pants-hang-low-and-show-the-boxers but dude, you're not wearing boxers. Let's leave the mooning to the guy fixing my kitchen sink, m'kay.

Watch Your Damn Mouth
No one has a greater appreciation for expletives, particularly the "F" word than we do.  When we are alone, we toss four letter words around in a frenzy of profane happiness.  So trust us, we get it. 

But know this, teenagers, we work really hard not to have our children devolve into little F-bomb dropping shorties once the pool opens.  Why?  Because while it might be funny for approximately one minute - it quickly becomes both tedious and horrifying.  Tedious because we will spend the next six months patiently saying: "No no, darling. It's 'what the FUNK'.  And we only say that at home, remember?"  Horrifying because we have mothers-in-law and teachers and neighbors.  And if they heard what our kids are capable of saying, they would not appreciate our parenting skills.  And they might tell us how we suck at being moms.  And at the moment, Starbucks does not carry Selfy Steams, so then we'd basically be screwed.  So watch your murthurfurking language around our kids, ya hear?  

That wasn't so bad, was it?  Just watch your arse and we'll all get along fine at the pool this summer.

xo, Kate & Lydia

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