Beware of "The Dude"
Now that you are a mother, you're about ready to give him ten minutes of a Gitmom special that will put him right in his place. I wish there were some way to put teenage girls' brains in a time machine so they could see this Dude at age 27, when he will still be living at home, delivering pizza, smoking weed and playing X-Box constantly.
Do you know what he sounds like? He sounds exactly like this friggin' dude.
You are All Stupid: Teenagers are stupid. Even the smart ones are stupid. And the less clothes they wear, the stupider they become. At the pool, they're practically naked. That means they're essentially non-verbal. The scary part is at the community pool - they are running the show. They are life guards, the pool managers, the babysitters. There is the rare truly intelligent and responsible teenager, who can always be counted upon to do what they say and be where they're supposed to be. I have yet meet one but I understand they exist.
So be careful, teenagers. Be especially careful, lone smart and responsible teenager - because as my dad used to say: "In land of the blind, the one-eyed man in king."
To the girls. Yes, it's super that since last September, you've acquired yourself some boobs. Well done. Someday you'll wish you could take them off and put them in a drawer. Until then, can you maybe wear something that actually covers your new jugs? Or keister? We're not asking for granny pants. We'd just like you to stick to one kind of cleavage. Also, how about a bikini top that doesn't make it empirically evident that you have a piercing in your nipple? The children aren't swarming around you because they think you're cool. They're wondering if you're a pirate. And dear, their parents are wondering if you're a pirate hooker.
To the guys. Please look down. Inside the waistband of your swim trunks is a handy little string used to tighten them up. We understand the whole fashionable let-the-pants-hang-low-and-show-the-boxers but dude, you're not wearing boxers. Let's leave the mooning to the guy fixing my kitchen sink, m'kay.
Watch Your Damn Mouth
No one has a greater appreciation for expletives, particularly the "F" word than we do. When we are alone, we toss four letter words around in a frenzy of profane happiness. So trust us, we get it.
That wasn't so bad, was it? Just watch your arse and we'll all get along fine at the pool this summer.
xo, Kate & Lydia
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