Friday, June 4, 2010

Open Letter: Pool Etiquette for Teenagers

Dear Teenagers who Swim at the Same Pool as Myself and Small Children,

I understand that many of you actually work at the pool and are responsible for safe-guarding my kids' young lives.  In itself, that is horrifying.  The rest of the teenagers at the pool are there to "relax, man" which means distract those who are trying to keep people alive and inadvertently teach my young children profanity.

This does not mean I don't like you, teenagers.  I actually love teenagers.  Provided they don't live in my house.  Because I firmly believe that most teenagers are great.  For everyone who is not their mother (or big sister who they live with and whose rules they have to follow). 

So here's what you need to know to have nice summer at the pool without my losing my schmidt and hollering at you, which is like totally embarrassing and supawk.

Beware of "The Dude"

Here's the thing, at every pool there is a dude.  Eventually he may become the The Dude, as we see here.  But for now, we are discussing a much younger dude.  He's a guy that has graduated from High School or has been a senior for a looong time.  He is always there, hanging out.  I have never been to the pool without seeing him.  He can do mad acrobatics on the diving board.  If he has a girlfriend, she is much younger and the tongue kissing PDA's you will be subjected to are nauseating.  Mostly he is on the prowl for girls who appear to be waaaayyyy too young for him.  As a teenager you may have thought this dude was sooo cool, for about ten minutes or until your mother saw him. 

Now that you are a mother, you're about ready to give him ten minutes of a Gitmom special that will put him right in his place.   I wish there were some way to put teenage girls' brains in a time machine so they could see this Dude at age 27, when he will still be living at home, delivering pizza, smoking weed and playing X-Box constantly.

Do you know what he sounds like?  He sounds exactly like this friggin' dude.

You are All Stupid: Teenagers are stupid.  Even the smart ones are stupid.  And the less clothes they wear, the stupider they become.  At the pool, they're practically naked.  That means they're essentially non-verbal.  The scary part is at the community pool - they are running the show.  They are life guards, the pool managers, the babysitters.  There is the rare truly intelligent and responsible teenager, who can always be counted upon to do what they say and be where they're supposed to be.  I have yet meet one but I understand they exist.

So be careful, teenagers.  Be especially careful, lone smart and responsible teenager - because as my dad used to say: "In land of the blind, the one-eyed man in king." 

I Don't Want to See Your Parts:
To the girls. Yes, it's super that since last September, you've acquired yourself some boobs. Well done. Someday you'll wish you could take them off and put them in a drawer. Until then, can you maybe wear something that actually covers your new jugs?  Or keister? We're not asking for granny pants. We'd just like you to stick to one kind of cleavage.  Also, how about a bikini top that doesn't make it empirically evident that you have a piercing in your nipple? The children aren't swarming around you because they think you're cool. They're wondering if you're a pirate.  And dear, their parents are wondering if you're a pirate hooker.

To the guys. Please look down. Inside the waistband of your swim trunks is a handy little string used to tighten them up. We understand the whole fashionable let-the-pants-hang-low-and-show-the-boxers but dude, you're not wearing boxers. Let's leave the mooning to the guy fixing my kitchen sink, m'kay.

Watch Your Damn Mouth
No one has a greater appreciation for expletives, particularly the "F" word than we do.  When we are alone, we toss four letter words around in a frenzy of profane happiness.  So trust us, we get it. 

But know this, teenagers, we work really hard not to have our children devolve into little F-bomb dropping shorties once the pool opens.  Why?  Because while it might be funny for approximately one minute - it quickly becomes both tedious and horrifying.  Tedious because we will spend the next six months patiently saying: "No no, darling. It's 'what the FUNK'.  And we only say that at home, remember?"  Horrifying because we have mothers-in-law and teachers and neighbors.  And if they heard what our kids are capable of saying, they would not appreciate our parenting skills.  And they might tell us how we suck at being moms.  And at the moment, Starbucks does not carry Selfy Steams, so then we'd basically be screwed.  So watch your murthurfurking language around our kids, ya hear?  

That wasn't so bad, was it?  Just watch your arse and we'll all get along fine at the pool this summer.

xo, Kate & Lydia

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  1. Can I print this out and post it at my pool? And hand it out? And staple it to the murtherfurking foreheads of the teenagers??

  2. I know guys in college who quote that line from Dazed and Confused all of the time - and it's creepy not sexy! And I wish I could have read this when I was a teenager... how could I have been so clueless?? Oh right, the lack of clothes made me stupid hahaha! and I totally agree with Kim! This should be available at every pool!

  3. Can we just make it required reading at the end of the school year - and they have to turn in a 1000 word essay on how they will behave over the summer?

    I love Dazed and is when I feel in love with Matthew Mygawdimgay. (as hubby calls him.)

  4. I love Dazed and Confused. I hadn't experienced the awesome that was that movie until I met my husband. He had to show me.

    Honestly at our pool the young moms are so much worse than the teens that I have to choose the lesser of two evils. I have to reserve the stink eye for the young moms who somehow get a rise out of the teenage boys checking them out. I just can't stink eye in enough directions. I really wish I had the eyes in the back of my head my kids think I do!!

  5. Great. Now I NEED to watch Dazed and Confused. Guess what my T-box and I will be doing after the kids go to bed.

  6. I know that Matthew is supposed to TOTALLY skeeve me out in "Dazed," but he's just. so. sexy. If I was the red-headed afro chick, I'd be all excited, too.
    But in all honesty, I think I'm most like Parker Posey in that movie. "Wipe that smile off your face, b*tch."

    Wait...what was the post about again? :)

  7. When reading about The Dude, I IMMEDIATELY picture McConaughey in Dazed and Confused! Then BOOM! There was the clip. And geez McConaughey is hot even if he is supposed o be skeeverific in D&C. You gals ROCK.

  8. Our local county pool used to be run by these teenagers. There was one adult in charge but I think he thought he was THE DUDE. Then we had two drownings in three years. THE DUDE was gone and, in his place, an actual grownup who actually spoke to adults and hired teens/college students who actually watch the swimmers. They actually make kids take a swim test before going into the deep end and actually blow the whistle on those not playing safely! I am actually not making this up!

    There was one mom who thought the lifeguards were being excessive in their vigilance, but this is the same mom who wonders why no one will invite her wild and destructive kids over to their houses. She's very lucky she's never been hit with a sock full of quarters, but that's probably because no one here had thought of that.

  9. Okay, Speaking as someone who used to be a responsible teenage lifeguard if you find us... PLEASE HELP! We can not see everything all at once (particularly when half our "staff" are not like us. We are infact only trained to see your child WHEN THEY'RE DROWNING! Not to mind read Terror Suspects intentions. If you know your two year old b lines straight for the slide they can't handel everytime they're released from the wild, warn us. Mommy's from mommyland rock on with your tanning and vigilent watching. Mommy's who mommyland rants about... I hate you all.
    I am proud to say however in three enteries (times when I had to jump in to save a child, or in one case a child and her Daddy who couldn't swim) I had no ambulance calls and was able to get to them pre any HORRID thing happening. And I guarded for 6 years. Was I the super strict kids don't like that mean lifeguard Gaurd? Yuppers. And you may all thank me for it... though sadly, I more often got "what do you mean little Johnny can't swim well enough to go down the big slide without a lifejacket? He's the best in his class!" Oh you fool....




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