Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Overheard at the Pool

We spent Saturday at the pool. Oh, and I totally secretly put up the RfM Pool Rules while I was there...so I got to hear a lot of moms talking about it. At one point, another mom asked if I had seen the list and I was all, no what list? so then I had to go into the clubhouse and read it while she was standing with me. It's kind of hard to know which ones to laugh at when, frankly I think they're all damn funny, but you don't want to piss anyone off.

This is so not the point. The point is, when I went back to the pool yesterday, THE LIST WAS STILL UP.

You're welcome.

Anyway, back to Saturday. There's a lot of stuff that you can learn, if you just sit there and not chat up anyone, and don't ever get in the pool. Because when you get in the water, you somehow morph from Mom into a pool toy/slide/jungle gym/throwing device. No and no. There are six thousand of your little friends here. Play. With. Them.

I stake out the - surprise surprise - same spot at the corner edge of the shallow end. Again, total creature of habit. And with the exception of my small fries asking me for things and saying "watch this! watch this!MOOOOOOMMMMM! WATCH ME!" I just listen...oh good Lord. Luckilly, I had my handy newspaper and sharpie, because I needed to take notes...
  • Dad, to son: "You need to say on this side of the rope. JOHN! This side! No, MY this side, not YOUR this side! Boy, your backside is gonna need a new side if you don't stop. Now."
  • Mom, tossing kid into the water. Kid goes under then pops back up. Mom: "That was so cool!" Kid: "It. Was. Not! Cool! For. Me." complete with hand slam into the water with every word. 
  • Kid One: "On the count of three let's all jump. And don't fake jump. That just makes you a douche." Kid Two: What's a douche?"  Kid One: "Somebody who drives bad, I think. My dad says it."
  • Girl Teenage LifeGuard, to another one: "...new swimsuits suck, my ass keeps sucking in the fabric."
  • Kid, to Mom: "Mom, did you see my cool jump off the diving board?" Mom: "Yeah, it was great. Good job son." Kid: "Mom, I didn't jump. Can you please pretend to watch me?"
  • "Dad Dad DadDadDad DAD. Wait. I mean Mom. Mom. MOM! Watch this!"
  • Mom, to other Mom: "...not sure how she does it, but it's got to involve a lot of alcohol and some sort of voodoo magic." [Editor's Note: I was really bummed I missed the rest of this conversation. Happy had to go to the bathroom. When I came back they were talking about boob jobs. - Kate]
  • Two teenage girls: "She said he was all ugh about it, but I think she wasn't. She was all oooh." "Ewww." "I know right. Like he even." "He never evened." "Ha. Neither did she."
  • Lefty: "I splatted off the diving board and I think I hurt my boys...but I checked and they're both still there."
  • Moms, redux: "...would go up to like a D cup, but then you know [name withheld] would talk about me like I'm the pool tramp, and she likes that crown. Do you think she knows?"
  • Mom, to kid in the baby pool: "Do you need to go pee? Are you sure? Stop grabbing yourself. C'mon, let's go try and go pee [pause] Oh, you don't have to anymore. No No! Shhh. Stop! No talking!"
  • Dad, to 4 year old daughter: "Doodle, you can't take your top off. Because Daddy said. Stop it, or you'll have to get out of the pool. [she gets out and takes off her top] DOODLE! That wasn't what I meant! [He totally catches me laughing] To me: "She's FOUR. And stripping. I'm a dead man."
  • Tweener boys: "Didja see she got boobs?" "Sorta boobs." "Still, it's more boobs than she had last summer."
  • Moms, part three: "I was wrong. There wasn't anymore wine at my house, so I switched us to vodka." "What did you mix it with?" "Ummm, ice." 
  • Friend, to Kate: "...haven't heard a word I've said. Are you eavesdropping again? [I nod.] "Which ones?" [I point with my lips, a la Lydia] "Are they talking trash about Queen Boob again? [I nod.] *gasps* "I'm going to get a chair!"  
  • Tweener girls: "...going to the new Twilight?" "YEAH at midnight!" "Oh, that's no fair. My mom said no...stupid. I know she's going to go. Which is gross. Because Edward is like MY age." "I thought you liked Jacob." "Well, yeah, but still, she's my MOM. She has that old dude in those movie with Brad Pitt."
  • Exhausted Mom, with far too much stuff, just arriving at the pool: "STOP IT! Can you please help me carry this. No! Cut it out, I told you already. What? No, I'm sorry. I forgot the goggles. Can you please stop bothering your brother. OH, God! Do you want to go home?! [four children give four yes answers] "F**king...well, we're not! God I hate the pool."
  • Friend, to Kate, again: "You're taking notes? You're gonna write about them, aren't you? God you're such a bitch...it's so awesome. Oh, please don't write that."

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