Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Overheard at the Pool

We spent Saturday at the pool. Oh, and I totally secretly put up the RfM Pool Rules while I was I got to hear a lot of moms talking about it. At one point, another mom asked if I had seen the list and I was all, no what list? so then I had to go into the clubhouse and read it while she was standing with me. It's kind of hard to know which ones to laugh at when, frankly I think they're all damn funny, but you don't want to piss anyone off.

This is so not the point. The point is, when I went back to the pool yesterday, THE LIST WAS STILL UP.

You're welcome.

Anyway, back to Saturday. There's a lot of stuff that you can learn, if you just sit there and not chat up anyone, and don't ever get in the pool. Because when you get in the water, you somehow morph from Mom into a pool toy/slide/jungle gym/throwing device. No and no. There are six thousand of your little friends here. Play. With. Them.

I stake out the - surprise surprise - same spot at the corner edge of the shallow end. Again, total creature of habit. And with the exception of my small fries asking me for things and saying "watch this! watch this!MOOOOOOMMMMM! WATCH ME!" I just listen...oh good Lord. Luckilly, I had my handy newspaper and sharpie, because I needed to take notes...
  • Dad, to son: "You need to say on this side of the rope. JOHN! This side! No, MY this side, not YOUR this side! Boy, your backside is gonna need a new side if you don't stop. Now."
  • Mom, tossing kid into the water. Kid goes under then pops back up. Mom: "That was so cool!" Kid: "It. Was. Not! Cool! For. Me." complete with hand slam into the water with every word. 
  • Kid One: "On the count of three let's all jump. And don't fake jump. That just makes you a douche." Kid Two: What's a douche?"  Kid One: "Somebody who drives bad, I think. My dad says it."
  • Girl Teenage LifeGuard, to another one: " swimsuits suck, my ass keeps sucking in the fabric."
  • Kid, to Mom: "Mom, did you see my cool jump off the diving board?" Mom: "Yeah, it was great. Good job son." Kid: "Mom, I didn't jump. Can you please pretend to watch me?"
  • "Dad Dad DadDadDad DAD. Wait. I mean Mom. Mom. MOM! Watch this!"
  • Mom, to other Mom: "...not sure how she does it, but it's got to involve a lot of alcohol and some sort of voodoo magic." [Editor's Note: I was really bummed I missed the rest of this conversation. Happy had to go to the bathroom. When I came back they were talking about boob jobs. - Kate]
  • Two teenage girls: "She said he was all ugh about it, but I think she wasn't. She was all oooh." "Ewww." "I know right. Like he even." "He never evened." "Ha. Neither did she."
  • Lefty: "I splatted off the diving board and I think I hurt my boys...but I checked and they're both still there."
  • Moms, redux: "...would go up to like a D cup, but then you know [name withheld] would talk about me like I'm the pool tramp, and she likes that crown. Do you think she knows?"
  • Mom, to kid in the baby pool: "Do you need to go pee? Are you sure? Stop grabbing yourself. C'mon, let's go try and go pee [pause] Oh, you don't have to anymore. No No! Shhh. Stop! No talking!"
  • Dad, to 4 year old daughter: "Doodle, you can't take your top off. Because Daddy said. Stop it, or you'll have to get out of the pool. [she gets out and takes off her top] DOODLE! That wasn't what I meant! [He totally catches me laughing] To me: "She's FOUR. And stripping. I'm a dead man."
  • Tweener boys: "Didja see she got boobs?" "Sorta boobs." "Still, it's more boobs than she had last summer."
  • Moms, part three: "I was wrong. There wasn't anymore wine at my house, so I switched us to vodka." "What did you mix it with?" "Ummm, ice." 
  • Friend, to Kate: "...haven't heard a word I've said. Are you eavesdropping again? [I nod.] "Which ones?" [I point with my lips, a la Lydia] "Are they talking trash about Queen Boob again? [I nod.] *gasps* "I'm going to get a chair!"  
  • Tweener girls: "...going to the new Twilight?" "YEAH at midnight!" "Oh, that's no fair. My mom said no...stupid. I know she's going to go. Which is gross. Because Edward is like MY age." "I thought you liked Jacob." "Well, yeah, but still, she's my MOM. She has that old dude in those movie with Brad Pitt."
  • Exhausted Mom, with far too much stuff, just arriving at the pool: "STOP IT! Can you please help me carry this. No! Cut it out, I told you already. What? No, I'm sorry. I forgot the goggles. Can you please stop bothering your brother. OH, God! Do you want to go home?! [four children give four yes answers] "F**king...well, we're not! God I hate the pool."
  • Friend, to Kate, again: "You're taking notes? You're gonna write about them, aren't you? God you're such a's so awesome. Oh, please don't write that."

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  1. I love this more than I have words for. Love the douche kids. A lot. Oh and the four year old stripper. And the vodka drinker. I heart vodka. And eavesdropping. I bow before you in honour of your stellar encapsulation of an afternoon spent doing just that.

  2. Mixing vodka with "Ummmm, ice" = priceless!!!

  3. This is priceless. This one totally sounds like something I would say when I am at the point of ultimate frustration and no longer able to make sense: "Boy, your backside is gonna need a new side if you don't stop. Now."

  4. OMG. Thank you so much for this, I laughed out loud at every single one. LOVED the "douche" comment because even though I try, I know I'm going to be saying sh!t and douche around my son, especially in the car. (probably because I already do and he's 7.5 months and I can't seem to stop)

  5. Those boob/vodka moms sound awesome. And a douche is someone who drives bad? Hahaha! My 3-year-old thinks Jesus is a bad driver, too.

  6. Please tell me you hang out with the vodka moms. They seem hilarious.

    Your pool has much more interesting conversations than ours. Of course, ours is a blow up baby pool on our patio... so it really limits discussion.

  7. When my oldest was a baby, we went to a family reunion at a lakeside park in Wisconsin. I had 3 cousins that were all about 4 at the time. They had been splashing with their parents and swimming all day and the parents wanted to stop and eat so they dressed the kids and made them presentable. The kids started begging to go back in the water and one of the dads said "No, you just go dressed and you'll get your clothes wet." Before we knew it, there were 3 naked kid butts running to beat all toward the lake.They didn't get their clothes wet!

  8. Bwahahaha! I love people watching, especially when it's somewhere as diverse as the pool! My favorite conversations are always the ones with the mom who thinks she's really attractive and she keeps asking her friend "did he see me? did he look?" and you then realize she's talking about the 17 year old lifeguard.

  9. I don't know which one I like best!!! On a side note, I work with tweens and one of the boys has NOT IDEA who George Clooney is!! I almost had an aneurysm when I learned that. Kids these days.

  10. It was a big mistake to drink my coffee while reading this--I laughed so hard at the douche kids that I spit it all over my computer.

  11. This is exactly the kind of entertainment I've experienced at the pool and at the beach. Why didn't I ever think of writing it down. Oh, and George Clooney will never be considered the old dude in my book, He'll always be HOT!! LOL!!!

  12. Just the pick me up I needed this afternoon! Great quotes!

  13. Oh my god. So hilarious! Please go to the pool again soon....I can always use more laughter in my day!

  14. Freaking awesome! I love eavesdropping! I thought this stuff was just at my pool... We have a Queen Boob too. You aren't in Oklahoma are you?

  15. Love you, love this entry!!!
    You rock! (And so does your pool!)

  16. I can't see my keyboard through my laugh-tears. Oh. My. Goodness. This is perfect.

  17. I got this email from my best friend this morning...
    I hadn't read RFM in a minute so I'm going back through and reading some before I leave the house today and this is SOO our conversation I swear... Moms, part three: "I was wrong. There wasn't anymore wine at my house, so I switched us to vodka." "What did you mix it with?" "Ummm, ice."

    I had to stop what I was doing to come read, and she's right, I'm sure those words have come out of my mouth before.

  18. I laughed so hard I might have pee'd a little. If I was in your state I'd say I think the vodka drinker was me.... LOL




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