Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Pissy, Missy and Sissy

I have been crying for the past four days.  Why?  Is there something wrong with me?  Let's not answer that question.  I'm crying because of all the end-of-the-year celebrations with the kids that mean they're a year bigger.  I'm crying because I'm so happy for Kate that McLovin is home. I'm crying because I keep seeing images of the Gulf Coast and I want to throw up.  I'm crying because I'm a fat, f**cking heifer and I'm starving all the time.  And I'm a bad mother and I'm exhausted and (sob, sniffle)...

There are so many reasons why I'm a blubbering idiot.  But probably only one reason that really matters: Aunt Flo.  My friend and former boss Tony [Editor's Note: He lives in Alabama, so I've seen him twice over the past month. LOVE HIM! - Kate] has a theory about this.  He says there are three main categories of physical and emotional response to getting your period: Pissy, Missy and Sissy.  You see he has three older sisters who used to always get their periods at the same time and that's what he would call them.  And Tony is sort of a genius, so I listen to him.  He claims that I'm most likely to be a Sissy. 

He also says that I'm surprisingly smart for someone with a head the size of a softball.  Technically, he didn't say that.  He wrote it.  On my performance evaluation.  [Editor's Note: GOD! Now I love him even more! - Kate]

So let's discuss the whole concept of Pissy, Missy and Sissy.  Because as annoying our menses can be, it is a part of the mommy landscape.  In fact, it's been the Mt. Everest of my landscape for the past few days.  So as much I may get all feminist and indignant when the Cap'n blames The Crimson Wave for my periodic weirdness, there is some validity to his assertions.  Perhaps silently weeping during the Glee season finale is a little odd.  But whatever.  You bought this cow, Cap'n, so get over it.

If you're prone to Pissy - then you go from being a nice, normal, frazzled mommy to Karen Walker for a few days a month:

God, I love Karen Walker.  And yes, I understand that she is a fictional character but I love her still. 

Here's how you know if you're Pissy:
You would normally say: "I didn't really appreciate that comment."
Instead you say: "I used to think you were stupid but now I think you need to shut your fat whore mouth, Grandpa Jim."

You would normally say: "I really wish that driver would let me merge."
Instead you say: "If the ASS HAT in the BMW doesn't either speed up or let me over - Momma's gonna run his DOUCHEMOBILE off the road.  That is NOT FUNNY, kids, stop laughing this INSTANT."

You would normally say: "Honey, I wish you'd call me if you know you're going to be late."
Instead you say: "I hope you don't think you're getting any dinner because I'm not even microwaving a damn plate for an inconsiderate jackhole who doesn't have enough respect for me to pick up the murthurfurking phone.  And I am NOT overreacting.  Much."

If you're prone to Missy, then you become the Little Madam for whom everyone had better step and fetch.  Silly mommy, don't you understand anything - you always come last.  People aren't supposed to be taking care of you, you're supposed to be taking care of them.  If you're Missy then you may find that not only are you unable to do things that you normally do but you're a little put out that anyone is even expecting you to do them.

You normally would: Get up at 6am, get your children dressed, fed and off to school and offer to drive your neighbor's kids too - as you know she isn't feeling well.
Instead you: Call your neighbor and petulantly beg her to drive your kids, who are wearing only marginally clean clothes and are staring at the NutriGrain bars in their hands wondering; "Is this my breakfast"? Meanwhile you're still in pajama pants, sighing and contemplating if there's any way you can get Starbucks to deliver a nice Selfy Steam to the house.

You normally would: Take the doggy for a nice, long walk and enjoy his company and the fresh air.
Instead you: Look at your dog and say: "You'll live.  Go pee in the yard."

You normally would: Make an effort to tidy up the family room.
Instead you: Wait until the kids come home and say: "Pick up your toys and put them away or no TV for a week! I am SICK of having to clean up the same mess every dang day!  Why do I always have to do everything around here?!" Then you step on a Lego in your bare feet and do a a bizarre hopping dance while screaming and the kids just laugh at you.

If you're like me, than you're a damn sissy.  In addition to being put on earth to make sure that no one ever cries alone, you may find that almost anything will move you tears but only when the circumstances are both stupid and embarrassing.

In morning traffic, you notice that the van right in front of you is a really cool family you know from preschool, also heading to morning drop-off. 
Normally you would think: "Oooh!  If I can get her attention, we make funny faces and throw suburban mommy gang signs at each other!"
Instead you think: "Neither of us have kids enrolled in the preschool next year.  Oh no.  We won't see them anymore...  We may never see them again...  It's so sad..." And then you bawl your wittle eyes out and soggily embrace them outside the school like you've just been diagnosed with cancer of the puppy.   

You watch the television show So You Think You Can Dance and notice that all they seem to do on that show is dance, use inappropriate adjectives and cry.
Normally you would: Smirk and make snarky comments about how they are all crybabies and how all the guys, especially the straight ones, have vaginas.
Instead you: Watch a dance performance so beautiful and moving that tears run down your cheeks and as the crazy lady with the abnormally big face starts screaming and waving her arms around, you're all like: "YES! Testify, Crazy, testify!"

You're running your daughter's Girl Scout Meeting and you see all the sweet seven year olds in your troop stand up and say the Girl Scout Promise.
Normally you would think: "It's always such a pleasant surprise when they stop acting like howler monkeys and actually remember the words."
Instead you think: "I love each and every one of those little girls.  Each one is growing into a (gulp) leader and a (sniffle) good person and they represent everything that is (muffled sob) right with America."  Then you have to excuse yourself to go ugly cry in the hallway and all the parents silently say a prayer that Girl Scout leaders undergo some sort of mental health screening process.  (They don't.)

Pissy, Missy and Sissy are some annoying snitches.  I'm not going to lie to you.   Sadly for the Cap'n and our children me, I get some quality time with all three of them.  But there is a silver lining.  Maybe its only my silver lining but here it is: every few weeks I start to feel crazy.  And then Pissy, Missy and Sissy show up and I'm like: "Whew!  I'm not crazy.  Its just Tony's sisters."

And that actually makes me feel better.

xo, Lydia

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  1. Ok, this is seriously the funniest thing I have read in forever! I am a pissy (poor hubby) and I can sometimes be a sissy! Your friend is a genius I love sissy, missy, and pissy! Too funny! Thanks for the great post and for making me feel better about myself (It's nice to be reminded that there are others who go through the same stuff LOL) Just not everyone can say it as well as you did! LOL

  2. I had to have my fetus holder (too early to say uterus. Damn!)anyway, removed last summer after it gave out following my seventh little knucklehead had finally done it in. There's only so much that duct tape and velcro can do. Now I never know where I am in the cycle of crazy, so I have nothing to blame it on when I get all 'Eunice from Mama's Family' on everyone. And it's sad, even if you have to drive a day care van full of kids you created, knowing you won't ever make a baby again. It's not that I wanted to make another one, but it's still sad. And my husband thinks I'm a little crazy for that.
    It is true when women live together they 'do their thing' at the same time, which is maybe a good thing so everyone can deal with it just once a month. My 12 yr old is already there (with 3 sisters behind her, help me Lord!)and I have told her father to BACK OFF when she's in the throws of it. She started like 2 months after mine was gone, fair? maybe.
    I have to add, living in Mobile, AL that many of us are SUPER PISSED about this gulf schmidt. It is ruining lives PEOPLE! It's killing our businesses, hurting families, and our homes. Where are all the damned benefit concerts, the celebrities offering help? Where the hell is Sean Penn when you actually need him (as if)?
    OH, and national news media, you can SUCK IT, because Louisianna-whom I love dearly, you are my neighbor, but is not the ONLY state suffering from this, so can you talk about some of the other neighborhoods because we are all screwed. Day 50 something of this? really?
    oh, sorry K&L, you see you don't need a uterus to still be affected by The Rage, I guess.

  3. LOVE the names!!!!!!!!! So nice to have names for the other me's!!!!!!! lol

  4. This is so true!!! Quietly enters Missy, then Pissy tears in on a rampage, Sissy appears at the end weeping at anything including stupid commercials. At the end I drive myself crazy never mind anyone else that is around me

  5. Bawled like a BABY during the season finale of "Glee." (At Kate's house!) It wasn't PMS, it was just epic.

  6. LOL! I'm a little bit of both, but Pissy and Sissy are the most predominant. Example: I was driving home from work when the remake of Lady Marmelade came on the radio (you know, the one with Christina Aguilera and Lil Kim - the trashy one) and when it got to the part where they all sing in unison at some crazy level of pitch, I just started crying at how beautiful it was. I CRIED AT LADY MARMELADE. There should be a rehab program for that.

  7. Dying laughing. DYING.

    Reasons I love you for this post:
    1) I LOVE Karen Walker with a fiery passion
    2) I, too, cried at the Glee finale
    3) So You Think You Can Dance. Mary Murphy. Yes, please.
    4) I am a Pissy Sissy. I can manage BOTH sisters simultaneously and as for Missy? Well, she comes out as part of both. As in "WHY IS THIS HOUSE SUCH A WRECK ALL THE TIME? I SWEAR IF I FIND ONE MORE DIRTY DISH IN THE SINK I AM GOING TO BREAK IT OVER YOUR HEAD! I AM ALWAYS CLEANING UP AND IT'S NEVER (sniff) CLEAN. Oh God, I'm a terrible housewife and now I'm yelling at you and OHMIGOD I'm sorry. J is gonna be scarred for life. I suck. I'm sorry."

    In short? I love you. And I, too, can't stop crying about McLovin being home. Only it's weirder because I don't actually know him...

  8. I am absolutely a Missy with frequent visits from Sissy. And to Kathy who left the comment earlier, your comment was almost as funny as Lydia's post. Totally agree about the whole oil thing. Love your blog, K & L. Thanks for the laughs so early in the morning.

  9. Kathy, I don't get the Crimson Wave either, but still have functioning ovaries and so, I get all 'Eunice from Mama's Family' (I LOVE that and I am SO stealing it!) on folks once a month too. And, like you, I live on the Gulf Coast, and I gotta agree with you, Louisiana gets ALL the press while we barely get any notice. They must be bigger whiners! Do you know we honestly had people who came to Biloxi after KATRINA say 'What happened here?!? Did a bomb go off!' and when we said 'Katrina hit here' they said, 'No, that was Louisiana'....we get ignored too, it's not just ya'll.
    Robbie from MISSISSIPPI...it's not just a myth, it DOES exist!
    --Oh, sorry Lyds, you are right on the money. And Tony, but since you are currently being Sissy, we are giving you all the credit...No, seriously, we are, stop crying...please?

  10. How did you know it Pissy, Missy, and Sissy were visiting me this week?!?! My parents visited and got a reminder of what I used to be like living with them, and my husband had been hiding under the bed since they showed up. Though they haven't stayed this long (since last Friday so far) since I was in high school (10 years ago).

  11. Its so nice to know im not alone in the world.

  12. So funny! I'm definitely pissy, with a little bit of missy on the side.

  13. so it's not bad to be all 3??? Just started mine and cried like a baby yesterday when I read Lydia's post, also cried on Sunday during the Season Premier of Tru Blood! Hello they are freaking vampires!!!

  14. I think I cried at least three times watching the season finale of Glee! It could have coincided with AF, but I prefer to think that it was just the most awesome episode ever!

    Oh, and I just came off the pill a couple of months ago and seem to have a raging case of Sissy (with a side of crazy thown in) once a month!

  15. Cancer of the puppy. Brilliance. Just...brilliance.

  16. OK, I have to post again... the anti spam, type this in, for my last post was feehoes... WTF

  17. I'm with Kathy on the lack of Crimson Wave but forget the hormones are still there until some incarnation of pissy, missy and sissy show up.... Then I remember...oh yeah, hormones... and look for the nearest T box for a few days.

  18. Perfection. Nothing more to be said. Well except maybe I encompass all three, usually, and try to consume my entire body weight in chocolate. Not pretty.

    Check this out, if you dare ;):


  19. I cried during the "Glee" season finale, as well. I blamed it on nursing hormones, which have turned me into Sissy for the past 6.5 (almost 7 months... *tearing up*). Although I am one of those oh-so-lucky people who has continued to have my monthly visit from Aunt Flo whilst exclusively nursing. (Which is so not fair.)

  20. "It's just Tony's sisters."
    So. Damn. Funny.

  21. So funny!!!!!! I cried at least 5 times watching the remake of Freaky Friday yesterday. Really? What a dork, I thought. Now I realize it is all Missy's fault. I love blame, it is so freeing!!!! LOL

  22. Cool!! Now I have names for my alter egos during the times they appear. I most often turn into Pissy, though I do get Missy sometimes, and Sissy appears during Pixar films and those stupid cotton commercials they run on Thanksgiving.

  23. What happens if what you would usually say is the Pissy thing? Yikes.

  24. What happens if what you would normally say is the Pissy thing? Yikes.

  25. I cracked up out loud when I was reading this post! I am Pissy. Actually I am Pissy most of the time, not just prior to Aunt Flo's visit!

  26. If you didn't cry during the Glee season finale, I'm not sure I want to be your friend.
    I just came of an IUD that made me The Three Sisters constantly. I didn't actually menstruate, but I was still a big bag of crazy. I've decided a once monthly crazy with a side order of gross is worth dealing with if it means my husband stops looking so worn.

  27. What a great post. I totally relate to that once-a-month feeling of relief when you realize you're NOT crazy, it's just the sisters come for their visit!

  28. Ladies,
    I recently learned that it's been proven that men have the SAME hormonal patterns that we women do, sans the messy ending. Yes ladies, that's right. Men PMS also. It's true. I'm in nursing school which makes me kinda official, right? ;-)
    Anyhow, tell them to quit b!tch!ng and blaming. I think it makes them Missy ALL the time.
    xo, Dag

  29. So THAT'S what's been going on, fricking Pissy keeps showing up at my house (and her friend Missy likes to tag along). Those heifers seriously need to find another place to hang out, I don't have time for them. :)

  30. This was awesome! It's Shark Week here, and sadly I can identify with all three of Tony's sisters. I think the snitches are on the next flight out of Cooterville tomorrow. Thank GAWD.

  31. Oh, I am so totally Pissy. Right now. My poor husband walked in the door after a hard day's work and I was like, "I am tired of little people asking me for s--t. I have to go now." To the kids I said, "stop mumbling! Speak more clearly! And I have to go now!" And I left the house for an hour and a half.

  32. How funny! I was sissy last week, missy over the weekend, and now I'm completely pissy! I loved this! And I cried at the finale for Glee, too!

  33. I am super Pissy. I even called my mom yesterday to tell her how Pissy I was feeling. I just hated everyone and everything but my kids who were just annoying me. So far I haven't seen Sissy or Missy but Pissy is still hanging out.

  34. I think my husband would tell you that I have multiple personalities. At least now he can give them names!

  35. Hello everyone it's Tony. Sorry for the intrusion ladies. Although I am not a Mommy Lydia has a called me a Mother so many times I qualify. Seriously, Lydia and Kate you are the funniest humans alive. I love you both. Can't wait to see you BOTH at Mardi Gras. It will be a blast.

    Please everyone continue to pray for the Gulf Coast!

  36. Hilarious! I'm mostly Pissy and sometimes a side of Sissy. My almost 10 yr old hasn't actually started yet, but is starting to get all hormonal on me. Her reponse to anything is to sit in a funk and pout and REFUSE to tell me what is wrong.

    And I LOVE LOVE LOVE Karen Walker!

  37. Really love it! Seriously though I might have to check myself in somewhere (like a spa) once a month because I am pissy, missy, and sissy ALL AT ONCE....for my family of course :)

    Praying I don't get worse when my twin 10 year olds start...because if early signs are any judge they can channel all three as well :)

  38. waving hello!!!! it's me, the woman who is obsessively OCD'ing your posts in an effort to catch up!
    I nanny'd a family of 4 girls, now ranging in age from 8 to 2weeks-away-from-16.
    I FEEL for their dad who not only had to endure his wife's own Pissy, Missy and Sissy, but now gets to enjoy it from 5 !
    He used to joke with me when the girls did normal emotional girlie stuff that he couldn't wait for PMS to kick in too. Especially on the days when I 'Sissy' informed him, "I am PMS'ing, ignore me."




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