Monday, June 3, 2013

Please Don't Give Mommy a Report Card

I originally wrote this a couple of years ago. It is both horrifying and reassuring that nothing has changed.
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Where I live, tomorrow is the last day of school.  The day starts at 8:20am and ends at 11:00am.  Because that makes sense.  It seems like they've been in school forever, right?  But it snowed for three weeks straight last winter and as a result, they cancelled school - for three long weeks. *Shiver*  I still get flashbacks.  Hence, they are getting out tomorrow. 

The end of the school year brings with it some trepidation on my part.  We will have 2-1/2 months together and I am both looking forward to it and dreading it.  I love the idea of slowing down our schedule and swimming and having fun.  And then they start fighting over Super Mario Brothers, and I begin to consider donating a kidney in order to afford sleep away camp.


My concern was elevated after a discussion the kids and I had about report cards.  My friend Jane recently told me that her 6 year old strongly encouraged the notion of report cards for mommies.  I mentioned the idea to my little terror suspects and they heartily concurred.  In fact, they thought it was swell idea.

I can see their point.  It's all about accountability.  I mean, in a very real way, I work for them.  So maybe they should be able to evaluate how I'm doing.  I mentioned this idea to Claire. At first I thought she had stopped breathing.  Then I heard her exhale and say: "Womanhaveyoulostyourdamnmind?" and I could feel her Maude-facing me over the phone.

But I couldn't stop thinking about a Mommy Report Card.  And apparently, neither could my kids because I found this on the kitchen table this morning.  I had to sign it.  In ink.  Because even though it gave me the red ass, it was absolutely accurate. 

I figured you mommies would want to see it, so here it is:



It's going to be a long summer.

xo, Lydia

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28 comments:

  1. Perfect! This is hilarious, and pretty much exactly what my scores would be. I LOVE the part about the inexplicable crying in the car. I just crank up the music and turn the rear view mirror away. By the way, I'm reading this on Tuesday in my time zone--does that mean I'm reading a post from the future or that I'm up too late?

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  2. I am crying I'm laughing so hard, which is exactly what I needed. My husband left this morning for a new job that will take him out of town for two weeks every month. I have a four year old and a 15 month old, so if I don't go insane in the next two weeks(days)it will be an accomplishment. Seriously, this blog will help me maintain my sanity. I can't thank you ladies enough!

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  3. I laughed out loud at "Modeling good eating habits to avoid life-long food issues like Mommy's"... mine would be at best a 'D' there.

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  4. BTW, my verification word was "smutiess". I think I might take offense! I haven't been called such since college :)

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  5. Good job on the reading and snuggling! Don't worry about not being ready to be mainstreamed -- the standards in THAT class are way too high.

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  6. I think this is MY report card!!

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  7. Mine would be very similar.

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  8. Love it! Just what I needed after being up with a crabby, teething baby all night.

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  9. Mine would be eerily similar as well. Love it!!

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  10. I love it! I'm glad that mine is too young to know what a report card is, or I wouldn't be doing nearly as well as you!

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  11. FABULOUS! You made my under-appreciated, chaotic, insane, day. Thanks for that. I'm glad to see I'm not alone in my mommy cleaning/cooking/being on time mediocrity.

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  12. Is this on a curve? I really want to know!

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  13. I love this blog! It reminds me I'm not alone...

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  14. As a 1st grade teacher, I have to agree with your kids. Parents need report cards, too! But then again, as a mom, oh Lord, I would have to hide mine so my parents wouldn't see it!

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  15. I'm kinda jealous of your report card! I think mine would be worse, especially the clean non-crunchy floors.

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  16. Laughing and crying, but mostly crying, cause it's that kind of day. OMG, love you two.

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  17. Yeah, gotta Maude face you here, too. Read "The Blessings of a Skinned Knee" and take control!

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  18. Ha ha ha! First of all I love that you said it "gave you the red ass" because my dad says that all of the time and it's a dying art! LOL

    Second your scores are WAY higher than mine would be!!!

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  19. Aunt Mary wants to have a VERY long talk with the gang that made up this report card. Looks like you deserve a special prize!

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  20. To Amidy, do what I did. I needed to replace my kitchen flooring so I found a nice lino. It is brown with swirls of light brown, blues and greys, and tan all through it. The floor is dark enough to hide most of the dirt, and the swirls distract from the dirt you can see. Perfect!

    From mom of 7 yr old, 5 yr old, 4 yr old, and a dog.

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  21. OMG this is soooooo freaking funny and is exactly my life. I am so glad to know that my report card would have the same grades. I guess I need to try harder LOL. Besides tonight I was soooooooo tired and

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  22. I tell my kids constantly what a great mom I am. They are completely convinced (fooled/brainwashed). They have no idea that a house is supposed to be clean or that hot dogs every day for a week isn't healthy. The only weakness I admit to is being late because I have to say, "hurry up! we are late! do you want to miss the ...? no time for that! go, go go!".

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  23. Ahahahahaha to the Facebook grades. Lmao. You guys are awesome. I try, but that's all I can do. Screw the whole super mom mentality. I yell a little too much when we're late (all the freaking time) and I try to set my kids up to play alone while I play on Facebook. My kid logs in way too many hours of Mickey Mouse, but oh well. I breastfed him for over 2 years, so that HAS to count for something. Maybe it'll cancel out the one too many french fries.

    I get A's for kisses and hugs, though. And an A for effort...well, at least a solid B for effort. Some days I just get up ready to give up. *sigh*

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  24. my scores are all the same as yours - except my darling little boy with the beautiful blond curls often (like right now for example) has the funky dread sticking out the back of his head. Time for his first haircut? Yes But mommy is too scared that she will never again see the curls. Even Yesser!

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  25. "Does not have to forage for clean clothes out of the pile in the guestroom" Mine is piled three feet high, but it's all clean! Do I get a 'C' at least for that? -Rikkashaye

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  26. I love this!! I was told this morning that I "need to work on the yelling and swearing" :( oops I swear I do so much better with other peoples children, why can't I do as well with my own??? lol I promised I would work on it and say a vegetable instead of a cuss word. Then this morning on the way home from her appointment a car cut me off......... Umm I said CARROTS 25 times and it may not have been said in an "inside voice".

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  27. May I just try a question? OK for personnal hygiene and self control, but other domestic arts??? Where has women's lib gone? Here in Europe we kinda think that you American women are at the leading edge of gender aquality...

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