Friday, June 18, 2010

Things Daddy *Really* Wants for Father's Day

Kate and Lydia are very lucky and grateful.  They have really great husbands.  Except for one thing: they are impossible to buy gifts for.  And Father's Day is practically upon us.  Lydia had a pretty long list of things she wanted for Mother's Day as you may remember.  And most of it was stuff you couldn't buy.  So in an effort to think about what to get our own awesome and deserving husbands, we created the quintessential list of what men really want for Father's Day.

Let's be honest. You know what they want most. Goodies. On demand. They want on demand goodies. We suggest Comcast or Verizon come up with that channel - OnDemand Goodies. It basically would be Kid Heroin TV and automatically order a pizza for dinner. Then moms all over America would be like, "Well, since the children are occupied... Sure! Lemme go brush my teeth first..."

Can you imagine that sales pitch?
Cable Company Guy: And, can we interest you in HBO, Cinemax or our Football package?
Dad: No, I think we have all the channels we need.
Cable Company Guy: What about the OnDemand Goodies Channel?
Dad: No, but thank y-- wait. What? I don't watch porn - no thank you.
Cable Company Guy: It's not pornography sir.  It's designed for families.  OnDemand Goodies Channel. For only $49.99 additional per month, it will remove all mom-centric programming and play only kid-centric shows. Plus, a pizza will be sent to your home.
Dad: So, you're telling me, there's no True Blood? No Designing Women or Golden Girls or Law & Order?? No Glee?
Cable Company Guy: None, sir.
Dad: Oh yeah, sign me up. How much? Fifty bucks?
Cable Company Guy: Forty-nine ninety-nine, sir.
Dad: Even better. You can activate it. Now.

They want their children to be quiet, obedient and well behaved. More like a Norman Rockwell painting. And less like the Addams Family. Just for one day fortheloveofPete. We're trying to make some !@#$(% memories here people! It's times like this that Daddy sorta channels his inner Clark Griswold.

Warning! Hilarious but lots of F-bombs! Not for little ears or the office!
Oh, and if we can accomplish this without the use of duct tape or prescription
medication - or grandmother on the roof - that would be nice.  But not necessary.

NO YELLING (Unless its at the umpire)
A day free from tantrums, especially from adult females. The chances of this are virtually guaranteed - and require no prior purchase of flowers, chocolate or alcohol. Just take the children [Editor's Note: All the children. - Kate] and go somewhere. Without said adult female. It's total win/win.

They want to sleep In. Like teenager sleep in. Like college hangover sleep in. Like wake up at 2pm and wonder why the hell there's no breakfast - or LUNCH - on the table.  They want to sleep The Sleep of Irresponsible F**ks. [Editor's Note: That's a totally awesome name for a band. - Kate] Let's face it, they want the kind of sleep WE deserve for all the hours we've sacrificed. But until we get it, they don't get it. And, haha, there's no OnDemandSleepIn. It's fictional. We know. We've looked for it.

FREE TIME TO BE AWESOME AND BAD ASS (with no big boy responsibilities) 
They want to do what they want to do.  No mowing the lawn.  No doing errands. No running around to 27 soccer games. They call the shots today.  They get to be Steve McQueen for the afternoon.  Maybe with their original - i.e. 20ish - hair color, find a Corvair in the driveway, and fit into jeans that have a number that's bigger in the inseam that it is on the waistband. They want to spend the morning tinkering under the hood and the afternoon driving around with the windows down (with a car chase or two thrown in) and no carseats in the back. That's fine boys. Dream Big. Because every once in a while, we wish you were Steve McQueen too...

They want to watch their special team play and win. And the ability to watch the entire game without interruption, complaints that Sponge Bob is better or eye rolling from the kitchen accompanied by: "Can I get a little help in here?" or "How long does it take play nine innings anyway?" This can only be improved with the addition of a friend or two, some appropriate sustenance for cheering on Special Team and a beer delivered, oh, every other inning. Alternative: same thing, different location. Say, Special Team's Special Bar. With Special Waitress.

A One-Day Pass to Mid-Life Crisis-ville with no repercussions. No, not the Big Boobed Blond who's as dumb as a sack of hammers. But the drive-a-corvette-convertible, take-karate-lessons, form-a-band-with-college-buddies-and-go-on-tour, have-you-lost-your-damn-mind? kind of midlife moment. Lydia bought the Cap'n a banjo one year for his birthday, because he thought it was really important to play bluegrass. Kate thinks this deserves a post all on its own. Trust me, this story is epic. She's talking about it now. Lydia, standing on a corner in a seedy part of town, outside a pawn shop, holding a banjo. Oh, it's also the last time she wore cute heels. This story needs to be told, right?

Have a delicious meal. By which, they mean a meal not prepared by children. Because that usually involves cereal with far too much milk that winds up in their laps in the bed (of which I have to change the sheets, thank you Randy) or scrambled eggs that have more shell than egg, or bacon that is flaccid droopy sloppy cooked in that just-so way that Dad knows he's going to spend the next 90 minutes in the bathroom wishing he had just taken everyone to Cracker Barrel. 

A one-swing chance to punch in the head a guy that drives them nuts.  It could be the outfielder that always steals home runs away from his team or it could be your neighbor, who really enjoys mowing his lawn at 7:00am on Saturday.  Actually, we want this for Mother's Day next year.

All kidding aside, Father's Day is a great opportunity for us to honor McLovin and the Cap'n and all the other GAM (grown ass men) who take Fatherhood seriously. Thank you. The world is a better place because of you.  

Oh, and would you mind seeing what's wrong with the TV? I was watching True Blood and now it's -- oh. OH. Hmmm. Lemme go brush my teeth...

xoxo Kate & Lydia

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