Monday, June 21, 2010

Top Ten Questions You Should Never Ask A Mommy

I started thinking recently about some things that are annoying and stupid.  There are so many. And I am so often the perpetrator of the stupidity.  So I thought I'd do some public service.  These are the top ten questions you should never, ever say out loud - especially not to a mommy. 

Ready to find out what they are?  Here we go...

5. Are those pants a little tight?

Yes, perhaps they are. Because I have a huge fat ass. Because I had three kids in five years. And I have food issues. And I'm 37 which means that no matter what I do, I'm never going to look good in a bikini again. And every time I look in the mirror the reality of this smacks me in my fat face.

Kate is skinny and gorgeous and she says even she gets this kind of crap sometimes. That makes me feel slightly better. The really sad part of this question is that the person who asks it is often related to you. Or a good friend. Or someone who knows you really well. Because they think that they know you well enough that you won't get your wittle feelings hurt. Well that's stupid. Because no matter how big my ass has gotten, my feelings remain the same size.  But neither is as big as your mouth.

9. Is she adopted?  Where did you get her from?
Have you ever heard of Baby Depot?  It's right next to Burlington Coat Factory. Well, they actually sell babies at the Baby Depot.*  You didn't know that?  I picked her out cause she was cute, and I like cute things.  But I saved the receipt.  'Cause when she gets all big and pimply, I'm going to return her.  Unless she's a pretty teenager in which case I'm going to make her wear a plaid skirt and a Hello Kitty backpack.  'Cause that's cute, too.

COME ON.  What do people expect to hear?  Unless this question is immediately followed by: "We-have-been-trying-to-adopt-for-years-please-tell-me-everything...", it should never come out of your mouth.  We've dealt with the whole "She's not really yours" crap before and this is not much different.  So please, even if you're curious, mind your damn manners.

8. When did you stop working?
Apparently now that I stay home and take care of my kids, I don't work.  Thanks for pointing that out.  I actually work 24 hours a day and never get a break or a day off.  And you know what makes it even more awesome?  The fact that no one who does not do this same job seems to have any appreciation for the fact that what I do is actually WORK.  So I never stop.  It's exhausting and demoralizing.  It pays nothing, and most of the world treats me like I'm at home because I'm too simple to be anywhere else.  Thanks world.  You can SUCK IT.

7. Didn't you say you were trying to get pregnant?
Are you trying to be mean and cruel and make ladies cry?  Think about what you just said.  If someone told you they were trying to get pregnant, then they probably are.  If they don't look pregnant to you, its one of two things: they are not pregnant and they are probably pretty sensitive (and maybe even heartbroken) about that; or they are pregnant and they are choosing not to tell you right now because they've had a miscarriage (or two) in the past. 

Maybe in the past you asked someone this question and you didn't understand why their face fell and they started mumbling and then pretended to get an important call on their cell phone even though you never heard it ring and then didn't talk to you again for months.  Now you know.

6. Do they have the same daddy?

The worst part of this question is that implies it was asked in front of your children. That says a lot about the person who decided to open their idiotic fat mouth and start yapping. Why not just say what you're really thinking, snitch: "Those little bastards don't look nothing alike. And you look like you could attract some men folk. Did you lay with lots of men to make these babies? Well, DID YOU?"

It doesn't matter what the actual answer is. I would just say (slowly and with dignity): "We are a family and you are an unattractive Ass Hat."

5. Who takes care of your kids while you're working all day?
Do you know what this question really means?  It means: I'm judging you for not staying home with your kid(s).  I want you to know that I think your kids are cared for by someone else most of the time -who is not their mommy- because you selfishly choose to work. 

If you ask this question and that's not what you mean - then choose your words wisely.  Because that question is actually code for "I want to make you feel like schmidt and throw some gasoline on the smoldering fire of your maternal guilt."
4. Did you deliver him normally?
What does that mean?  What is normal?  I've had three kids and none of the occasions when they came out were normal.  Is it normal for you to expel 8 pounds of anything out of your body on a given day? Are you like: Oh yawn - I'm having a kid today - no big whoop.  So what are you really asking me?  Did I squeeze him out of my junk?  Or did I have a c-section like a naughty girl.  Are you kidding me?  Is a c-section abnormal?  What about an epidural?  Or a birthing center?  Or a home birth?  What's your normal?  And, by the way, why do you want to talk about my vagina so much? 

3. You're not letting her eat that junk food, are you?
Yes, I am.  Because I respect the power of the Happy Meal.  Sometimes you just need to call in the big guns.  Do you know what gets my kids through a doctor's appointment when they know they're about to get a million shots?  The prospect of four chicken nuggets, some fries, and a silly toy from Mr. Shrek himself. 

Are these meals disgusting?  Oh yes.  Is it an every day thing at our house? No, no, no. But guess what? Sometimes you just need to order a pizza.  Or chinese food.  Or get something from the drive-thru rather than schlep all the kids in and out of the grocery store and then back to the house to cook and clean and listen to whining and crying.  If you live in a world where it's all organic, home-cooking all the time - congratulations.  Good for you (and your daughter, Apple).  The rest of us live in a world where we do the best we can.  And sometimes that world includes a Happy Meal and a large sweet tea for Mommy.

2. Why isn't your baby walking yet?
Please feel free to substitute "walking yet" with potty training, speaking full sentences, suckin' on a binky, drinking from a bottle, reading books, riding a 2-wheeler, getting into college, and any other snitch-worthy "milestones" that may come up.   Here was my answer:

"My baby isn't walking yet because he's big for his age.  Really big.  So he looks like he's two but he's only six months old.  So that's why he's not walking yet - because he'sonly six months old.  Yes.  I'm sure of his age.  I'm not sure why its any of your business or why you seem to think its OK to stand there shaking your head as if something was wrong with my child.  Do you see me looking down my nose at you for being a fat-arsed, nosy old bag?  No, you do not.  Because I am awesome.  And so is my kid.  If you'd like an opportunity to compare your child unfavorably with mine - just go ahead and do it.  Because that's what this question is really all about.  Thank you for your concern."

1. Are you pregnant?  When are you due?
We all know that you should never assume someone is pregnant because maybe they're not and then you just called them fat.  Which is not a very nice think to do.  Basically, if you meet someone and you think they're pregnant - unless the baby is actually coming out - don't ask this question.  Trust me.  I learned the hard way.  I asked and I was wrong

I asked a waitress while out on a date with the Cap'n.  I kept saying: "I really think she's pregnant.  I can tell. I know these things."  And he was all like: "Don't say anything Lydia.  I'm begging you  - don't say anything."  He reminded me of my long history of similar blunders.  But then, at the end of the meal, of course I said something.  And as the words started coming out of my mouth, my husband claims the whole scene went into slow motion and he started making baseball signs for me to stop and saying: "NNNOOOOOO!!! PLLLEEEAAASSEEE SSSSTTTTOOOOOOOPPPP!"  But of course I'm an idiot, so I kept right on talking.  And she wasn't pregnant.  And she had to be nice about it because it was a fancy restaurant and we were at her table.  I wanted to cry.  The Cap'n was torn between wanting to laugh at me and feeling bad for the poor woman I had just insulted.

That waitress got the biggest tip of her young life.  And three and a half years later, the Cap'n still enjoys making fun of me.  And it's yet another restaurant I am scared to go back to

So I guess that story is an open acknowledgement that I am a total ass (but you probably already knew that).  I'm pretty sure anyone can stop thinking for a minute and ask something stupid.  But the point is - I learned my lesson.  Perhaps this list will help others from saying douchey things, humiliating themselves, and randomly hurting other people's feelings.  (I can attest, it's not a lot of fun if you have a conscience.)

See - trying to save people from douchiness - is that a public service or what?

xo, Lydia 

*I am totally kidding about Baby Depot.  You cannot get babies there, unless you bring them there yourself.   
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