Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Tween-der Years: McGee's Birthday

McGee officially entered Tweendom yesterday. Eleven. Eleven going on twenty-six-and-still-living-at-home. It's going to be an interesting next few years. Mostly because I'm pretty sure I'm raising another version of myself. And look how I turned out.

I'm pretty sure the world can do without another Kate. Yeah.

So, I thought I'd put on my Cool Mom hat and let her invite up to twenty friends [yes, I was out of my damn mind] over after school for hanging out and music and popcorn and movie and dancing to *sigh* Justin Beiber. We printed up some invitations, you know, "join us from after school until 6:30pm..." because while I'm pretty sure I have the wherewithal to withstand the onslaught of twenty 11-year olds, it would only last for two hours before Hurricane Kate hit.

Unfortunately, after she got to school, McGee took some, ummm, editorial liberties with the invitation, and changed the end time to 8pm. Whuck?! And I only found out when moms started e-mailing with their giddy/elated/she-must-be-out-of-her-damn-mind-quick-RSVP-before-she-comes-to-her-senses notes of "John will be happy to attend. Good for you for braving dinner with all of them. [Husband] and I finally get to go to Happy Hour! You're the best!"

I finally got suspicious and asked McGee.

"Oh, it wasn't long enough, so I changed the time. Daddy said I could..."

WHUCK?! Daddy does not live here. Daddy lives up the street. Is Daddy going to be Part Deux of this little progressive party? Is the dinner hour at his house? Can I please send the army of pre-teen howler monkeys the eight house walk up to his house for sustenance? Because I just went to the grocery store 45 minutes ago and there's still not enough food in my house to feed all those kids. Besides, do I look like I feel like seeing what life is like for a Duggar?

Fortunately by the time I greeted all of them after school for the mile walk home in 97 degree weather, all parents were duly informed that their Happy Hour was canceled. If I can't tap a t-box, neither can they.

And, for the next two hours, I walked around my house with a newspaper section and a Sharpie. Lydia came over to watch the craziness. And, being that this was their first Girl/Boy Party, I wore out two newspaper sections. So did Lydia.

[walking home]
Friend 1: "McGee, you totally look just like your mom!"
Friend 2: "Yeah! Except for she's taller...and your hair color...and kinda in the face. And, you know."
Friend 1: "Boobs?"
Friend 2: "Yeah."

[overheard in McLovin's "office"]
Boy: "Who's that?
Girl: "It's Elvis. Her Other Dad is like obsessed with him."
Boy: "Her Other Dad is obsessed with a dude?"
Girl: "Yeah, but he died. So it's OK."
Boy: "Who died?"
Girl: "Ugh. Elvis did."
Boy: "OK, good, because that would be weird."

Friend: "McGee, does your mom really have hidden video cameras in the house?"
McGee: "Yeah."
Friend: "That's just wrong."
McGee: "Yeah, but it's also funny. Especially when someone falls."

Girl: "Who wants to write on me?"

[Fourteen screams of ME! ME! ME! followed by spontaneous appearance of way too many Sharpies]
Girl now looks like an inner city overpass. Kate feels, somehow, she's to blame for this. She totally is. Other girls follow suit. Clearly.

[two girls talking about their cell phones]
Girl 1: "I like your phone."
Girl 2: "Thanks. It's a Razr."
Girl 1: "It says Motorola."
Girl 2: "It's a Motorola Razr. Duh."
Girl 1: "That's so cool. My mom says I can't shave until I'm 12."

[on choosing a movie to watch]
Best Friend: "Let's take a vote on the count of three! ONE! TWO! THREE!"
McGee, over the din: "OhmyGod it's like the Iowa Caucus in here!"
[instant confused silence]
McGee, to me: "Great. Thanks Mom. You made me a dork."

[after movie is on]
Girl: "John, I can't see! Move your head!"
John: "It can't be that big. I haven't eaten anything yet."

Eleven-year old boy, known in the group as McGee's boyfriend, [Editor's Note: I think I'll call him Ron Burgundy. - Kate] slowly snakes his arm around McGee's shoulders as the movie plays. Glances around the room to make sure everyone can see his "move." Makes eye contact with another boy and exudes so much smug satisfaction that he would make Gwyneth Paltrow proud. Makes eye contact with Kate. Looks scared. Gets pale. Removes arm.

[during the opening of the presents]
Girl 1: [screams] "Open mine!"
Girl 2: "NO! MINE! MINE!
Girl 3: "Oh, do mine first! Otherwise you'll think it sucks because we only had 10 minutes to pick it out."
McGee opens this gift.
Girl 1: "Ooh! Lip gloss. Ohmygosh! Perfume! [Editor's Note: These were things I was specifically asked not to purchase. Kate cringes at what we call the Trampy Teenager Starter Kit. You know, day-glo red orange nail polish called "Mello"; something that resembles, but isn't, makeup; scented and -- Good Maude - edible body lotion. Somewhere, on Whore Island, a clown has found her boudoir drawers raided. - Lydia]
Girl 3: "Well?"
McGee: "I LOVE IT!"
[Kate looks constipated]

After his nap, Happy comes downstairs. He's greeted with screams of "HAPPY! HAPPY! "Happy I want the first hug!" Then jostling of bodies as they all position themselves for the first Happy hug. Happy, with a deer in the headlights look, just hugs the first kid in front of him. Then runs like hell.

Girl: "Ooh, look at that gift box! It's so pretty!"
McGee: "I love the box."
Thumbelina: "Ooh, I love that box too..."
Boy: "Really? Boxes? They're boxes."
[three girls glare at him]

The last gift is from Ron Burgundy. They've all saved it for last. To great fanfare. It's a pretty little necklace that looks like a little silver bow. McGee smiles at Ron Burgundy. Happy scowls at this and smacks him. Hard.

[scent of perfume fills the air]
McGee: "This is awesome! I smell"
Kate: "Oh, good Maude. [eyes tear up]
Lydia: "I can't smell it. Stupid cold."
Kate: "It's like Tranny Hooker meets a Las Vegas Funeral Home. Without Wayne Newton to distract you."

Lydia here. A group of five girls circle Kate following the McGee/Ron gift moment, asking her if she's OK with the whole "boyfriend" situation. Kate nods.
Girl 1: "My mom wouldn't be."
Girl 2: "My dad would FREAK OUT!"
Kate: "Why?"
Girl 3: "Because we're WAY too young to have boyfriends."
Kate's turn to grow pale and look scared.

[knock on door]
Girl: "RON! Your mom is here!
Girl 2: "C'mon McGee - go meet your mother-in-law!"
[Kate throws up in her mouth.]

[as party is ending, kids back outside]
McGee, to Kate: "Why are you stalking us with the newspaper and a Sharpie?"
Kate: "You'll see."

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