Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Tween-der Years: McGee's Birthday

McGee officially entered Tweendom yesterday. Eleven. Eleven going on twenty-six-and-still-living-at-home. It's going to be an interesting next few years. Mostly because I'm pretty sure I'm raising another version of myself. And look how I turned out.

I'm pretty sure the world can do without another Kate. Yeah.

So, I thought I'd put on my Cool Mom hat and let her invite up to twenty friends [yes, I was out of my damn mind] over after school for hanging out and music and popcorn and movie and dancing to *sigh* Justin Beiber. We printed up some invitations, you know, "join us from after school until 6:30pm..." because while I'm pretty sure I have the wherewithal to withstand the onslaught of twenty 11-year olds, it would only last for two hours before Hurricane Kate hit.

Unfortunately, after she got to school, McGee took some, ummm, editorial liberties with the invitation, and changed the end time to 8pm. Whuck?! And I only found out when moms started e-mailing with their giddy/elated/she-must-be-out-of-her-damn-mind-quick-RSVP-before-she-comes-to-her-senses notes of "John will be happy to attend. Good for you for braving dinner with all of them. [Husband] and I finally get to go to Happy Hour! You're the best!"

I finally got suspicious and asked McGee.

"Oh, it wasn't long enough, so I changed the time. Daddy said I could..."

WHUCK?! Daddy does not live here. Daddy lives up the street. Is Daddy going to be Part Deux of this little progressive party? Is the dinner hour at his house? Can I please send the army of pre-teen howler monkeys the eight house walk up to his house for sustenance? Because I just went to the grocery store 45 minutes ago and there's still not enough food in my house to feed all those kids. Besides, do I look like I feel like seeing what life is like for a Duggar?

Fortunately by the time I greeted all of them after school for the mile walk home in 97 degree weather, all parents were duly informed that their Happy Hour was canceled. If I can't tap a t-box, neither can they.

And, for the next two hours, I walked around my house with a newspaper section and a Sharpie. Lydia came over to watch the craziness. And, being that this was their first Girl/Boy Party, I wore out two newspaper sections. So did Lydia.

[walking home]
Friend 1: "McGee, you totally look just like your mom!"
Friend 2: "Yeah! Except for she's taller...and your hair color...and kinda in the face. And, you know."
Friend 1: "Boobs?"
Friend 2: "Yeah."

[overheard in McLovin's "office"]
Boy: "Who's that?
Girl: "It's Elvis. Her Other Dad is like obsessed with him."
Boy: "Her Other Dad is obsessed with a dude?"
Girl: "Yeah, but he died. So it's OK."
Boy: "Who died?"
Girl: "Ugh. Elvis did."
Boy: "OK, good, because that would be weird."

Friend: "McGee, does your mom really have hidden video cameras in the house?"
McGee: "Yeah."
Friend: "That's just wrong."
McGee: "Yeah, but it's also funny. Especially when someone falls."

Girl: "Who wants to write on me?"

[Fourteen screams of ME! ME! ME! followed by spontaneous appearance of way too many Sharpies]
Girl now looks like an inner city overpass. Kate feels, somehow, she's to blame for this. She totally is. Other girls follow suit. Clearly.

[two girls talking about their cell phones]
Girl 1: "I like your phone."
Girl 2: "Thanks. It's a Razr."
Girl 1: "It says Motorola."
Girl 2: "It's a Motorola Razr. Duh."
Girl 1: "That's so cool. My mom says I can't shave until I'm 12."

[on choosing a movie to watch]
Best Friend: "Let's take a vote on the count of three! ONE! TWO! THREE!"
McGee, over the din: "OhmyGod it's like the Iowa Caucus in here!"
[instant confused silence]
McGee, to me: "Great. Thanks Mom. You made me a dork."

[after movie is on]
Girl: "John, I can't see! Move your head!"
John: "It can't be that big. I haven't eaten anything yet."

Eleven-year old boy, known in the group as McGee's boyfriend, [Editor's Note: I think I'll call him Ron Burgundy. - Kate] slowly snakes his arm around McGee's shoulders as the movie plays. Glances around the room to make sure everyone can see his "move." Makes eye contact with another boy and exudes so much smug satisfaction that he would make Gwyneth Paltrow proud. Makes eye contact with Kate. Looks scared. Gets pale. Removes arm.

[during the opening of the presents]
Girl 1: [screams] "Open mine!"
Girl 2: "NO! MINE! MINE!
Girl 3: "Oh, do mine first! Otherwise you'll think it sucks because we only had 10 minutes to pick it out."
McGee opens this gift.
Girl 1: "Ooh! Lip gloss. Ohmygosh! Perfume! [Editor's Note: These were things I was specifically asked not to purchase. Kate cringes at what we call the Trampy Teenager Starter Kit. You know, day-glo red orange nail polish called "Mello"; something that resembles, but isn't, makeup; scented and -- Good Maude - edible body lotion. Somewhere, on Whore Island, a clown has found her boudoir drawers raided. - Lydia]
Girl 3: "Well?"
McGee: "I LOVE IT!"
[Kate looks constipated]

After his nap, Happy comes downstairs. He's greeted with screams of "HAPPY! HAPPY! "Happy I want the first hug!" Then jostling of bodies as they all position themselves for the first Happy hug. Happy, with a deer in the headlights look, just hugs the first kid in front of him. Then runs like hell.

Girl: "Ooh, look at that gift box! It's so pretty!"
McGee: "I love the box."
Thumbelina: "Ooh, I love that box too..."
Boy: "Really? Boxes? They're boxes."
[three girls glare at him]

The last gift is from Ron Burgundy. They've all saved it for last. To great fanfare. It's a pretty little necklace that looks like a little silver bow. McGee smiles at Ron Burgundy. Happy scowls at this and smacks him. Hard.

[scent of perfume fills the air]
McGee: "This is awesome! I smell"
Kate: "Oh, good Maude. [eyes tear up]
Lydia: "I can't smell it. Stupid cold."
Kate: "It's like Tranny Hooker meets a Las Vegas Funeral Home. Without Wayne Newton to distract you."

Lydia here. A group of five girls circle Kate following the McGee/Ron gift moment, asking her if she's OK with the whole "boyfriend" situation. Kate nods.
Girl 1: "My mom wouldn't be."
Girl 2: "My dad would FREAK OUT!"
Kate: "Why?"
Girl 3: "Because we're WAY too young to have boyfriends."
Kate's turn to grow pale and look scared.

[knock on door]
Girl: "RON! Your mom is here!
Girl 2: "C'mon McGee - go meet your mother-in-law!"
[Kate throws up in her mouth.]

[as party is ending, kids back outside]
McGee, to Kate: "Why are you stalking us with the newspaper and a Sharpie?"
Kate: "You'll see."

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  1. oh my MAUDE! I am so glad I have 8 more years tween free! But, I am glad that I can read all about it here LOL!

  2. Oh no...I have 2 of these female beings to see to adulthood - God help me.

  3. [as party is ending, kids back outside]
    McGee, to Kate: "Why are you stalking us with the newspaper and a Sharpie?"
    Kate: "You'll see."

    That was my favorite part of the whole post b/c I can just see myself doing this in 10 years...

  4. Iowa caucus. *Snort.*

    One of my 9-year-olds just started utilizing a mirror for hair-brushing, AND she's reading Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret. Oh good Maude.

  5. LMAO... I love the Whore Island reference. This party sounds hysterical. On my next birthday, I'm having everyone write on me, too.

    Okay, no. No I'm not.

  6. My oldest of 4 is a boy (almost 10 y/o), followed by 3 girls -- two 7 y/o & one 4 y/o. That's right.....I'll have 3 tween/teen FEMALES AT THE SAME F#$*&@ time! I think I'll get an I.V. of wine permanently injected for those years. Is that bad?

  7. Ron Burgandy rofl!

    Ron Burgundy: The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show... [kisses his biceps] and see if she likes the goods.

  8. I'm scared son is only two but he would Ron in this story when he gets older.

  9. OMG...the part about Ron snaking his arm around McGee, the GP reference, and Kate's glare...yep, coffee up the nose! I really should know better by now not to chance drinking my coffee while reading your latest and greatest! ;-) Thanks for the awesome start to my day, once again!!!

    BTW - I finally found your "favorite rants" link...and went directly to the 5 guys rant. I think I came close to hyperventilating a few times I was laughing so hard! We can't ever go there (and lucky me, our city just got one!) because of my daughter's peanut allergy. Damn peanuts.

  10. I have a 12 year old.... complete with a string of "boyfriends" far longer than mine could ever hope to be. Every word of this post is absolutely true. I pray to the gods of low cal vodka everyday to save me from my preteen nightmare.... so far, no luck. Best of luck to you, Kate.... because lemme tell ya.... it only gets "better". 8#

  11. I haven't had time to reread old posts so can you fill me in on "newspaper and a Sharpie"...I'm dying to know what that means!!!

  12. Ugh! I am over the teen years with one - well, she is off to college so I will just have to worry about her getting knocked up by some idiot frat boy now..

    But, then there is the four year old and all of this to look forward to again. At which time I will be (gulp) 49!!!! ARGH! The supreme idiocy of it all! BLAH.

  13. Anonymous at 2:36,

    It's Kate. I have an OBSESSION with Sharpies. A bad one. I. LOVE. THEM. I buy them all. the. time. And when I takes notes, I write them on unread sections of the newspaper (classified, sports, stupid advice columns)

    Here are two posts about it...

    Oh, and when I'm not writing notes on newspapers, I'm Sharpie tattoo-ing the kids. It's awe.some.

    xoxo Kate

  14. Okay. Not gonna lie. I know who McGee's boyfriend is... & I kind of like Ron Burgundy. He's adorable, & he's sweet as hell... I just want you to know that. :)
    Love the play by play. I want the scoop on who was there next time we TBox it.

  15. Tween girls = snitches in britches

  16. THANKS Kate for explaining!! I, too, have a Sharpie obsession...I have a 30 pack of all the colors that NO ONE is allowed to touch and also use the black ones for work every day...I usually end up with tons of them in my car, my office, and occasionally, the wash (that only happened once thankfully and no clothes were ruined!)...

    Thanks for the laugh - LOVE LOVE LOVE this blog! :)

  17. We have a 5 year old son and twin boys about to join us any day. I LMAO reading this until my 5 year old came home from school and reminded me we will have a house full of "Ron Burgundys"!!! Bring on the booze!! (Need to know where to score the low cal vodka!). :)

  18. I have a 10 y/o and he's totally clueless but the girl up the street and her two friends have a crush on him. I haven't enlightened him yet. Also I have a 14 y/o niece and I am watching my brother go through it. It gets so much worse by then. She had her first formal dance this year! Her Facebook status makes me want to poke out my eyes with hot pokers. I am totally not prepared for my 4 y/o to hit that stage. If her dad has anything to say about it she'll be too busy checking boys in to the boards to actually notice them in other ways.

    Also - Anchorman is my FAVORITE Will Ferrel movie.

  19. McGee, to me: "Great. Thanks Mom. You made me a dork."

    I cackled right out loud at that one, because both of my older daughters have said the the same thing to me, as well as variations including nerd and geek.

  20. Low-cal vodka??? Hook a mom UP!

    I cringe for the day my 15mo old becomes Ron. He so totally will be him... in about 10minutes. Charms the daylights of any female within a mile on any given moment. I'm so screwed.

  21. OMGravy this is seriously one of the funniest posts ever. The Iowa Caucus comment made me laugh so hard my 10 year old came in from the other room to see what was so funny. He was even more confused as I caught him in the Mommy Straggle hold for a good 3 minutes thanking God he was a boy and I have 5 years before my fist daughter is a Tween.

  22. I had to be careful, laughing so hard at this with my poor, 8-week-postpartum bladder...I have a 17-year-old Ron Burgundy and it is driving me crazy! What is worse is fielding the random calls to the home phone rather than his cell and then seeing the Facebook statuses about it! Guess the sleeplessness of newborn hell is getting to me, or the realization after reading this post of what I have to look forward to in about ten years? or worse, wondering if I was this way as a tween and there will be huge karma to pay??? I now feel this urge to call my mother and offer profuse apologies.... :)

  23. A couple of thoughts:
    a) having actually participated in the Iowa Caucuses, I particularly enjoyed this reference. And it was right on!
    b) I never thought I would be one to think "wow. she's a bit young to be wearing that." or "my, the definition of 'clothing' sure has changed since I was a girl" or anything like that. But then I had a daughter. And we are now living through the summer of the-shortest-shorts-in-the-history-of-ever. Seriously, they make the girls in those old Nair commercials look like they were wearing capris. My brother-in-law and I had a complete conversation with our eyes yesterday standing in line behind two 14-year-olds who were wearing bikinis and mini-shorts. It amounted to
    Me: I shower wearing more than that.
    Him: Our girls aren't leaving the house dressed like that.
    Me: Word.
    c) The swift realization that these girls *didn't* leave the house dressed like that. They were just traipsing all over in public (un)dressed like that.
    d) I love being about to control my baby's wardrobe. I mean truly, deeply love it. And I will remind myself of that each time I lovingly fold the laundry.
    e) Do you think that bloomers will be back in style in about 10 or 12 years?
    f) You guys CRACK ME UP!!!




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