Monday, July 26, 2010

Bible Study? Moi?

I am going to be teaching an evening Bible Study course this summer.  Stop laughing.  I know.  It gets better.  The Bible Study that I am about to teach is on a fascinating topic...  Wait for it...

The Twilight Saga.

That's right.  I was asked a couple of months ago to help teach this course for junior and senior high school girls.  So I met with the Youth Minister at my church and the conversation went like this:

(warning - Twilight spoilers)
Lydia: Thanks for asking me to do this.  But I'm not really sure why you want me, other than the fact that I'm sort of a nerd about Twilight stuff.
Youth Minister: We think you'd do a great job!
Lydia: So there's four sessions, right?  That's convenient  - one for each book.
Youth Minister: There are four books?
Lydia: You haven't read them?!  But you're going to be teaching this with me!
Youth Minister: Oh no, you're going to be the instructor.  Just you.
Lydia: ARE YOU INSANE? I don't think that's a very good idea.
Youth Minister: You'll do great.  Tell me some of the things you might talk about with the girls...
Lydia: Um... Well, I think Bella is sort of a bad role model for teenage girls.
Youth Minister: I thought she was good role model? 
Lydia: Well... She sort of only cares about her boyfriend.  And she lies to everyone she knows including her parents to accommodate the relationship.  Were you thinking about the whole abstinence thing? (Youth Minister nods) Well, actually she only agrees to marry her boyfriend so that he'll have sex with her and then turn her into a vampire.  Because Edward - that's her boyfriend - doesn't believe in premarital sex.
Youth Minister: (looks a little alarmed) So Edward is the good role model?
Lydia: Ummm... Sure.  I mean, he denies his sinful nature and all by only killing animals and not people.  And he totally wants to bite her and eat her and have sex with her.  She's the forbidden fruit - the apple on the cover on the book.  So there's that.  But before they were dating, he used to break into Bella's house every night and stare at her while she was sleeping.  That's a little creepy and stalkery.
Youth Minister: Ahem.  Oh.  Wasn't there a werewolf?
Lydia: Yes! Jacob.  He's pretty cool.  Except for this one time he sort of forced himself on Bella and she had to punch him the face to get him to stop making out with her and then she had to go the hospital because she broke her hand.  And then he threatened to kill himself so she would say she loved him and make out with him again.
Youth Minister: These are books for kids?
Lydia: Young adults.  So how do I talk about the sex parts?  And the pregnancy? And the half-vampire baby that ends up killing her after chewing its way out of her stomach and breaking all her bones?
Youth Minister: I don't think... Maybe you shouldn't talk about that part.
Lydia: Seriously? What about how the Volturi - who are the sort of like royalty or the government or whatever - are totally corrupt and evil?
Youth Minister: Seriously?  I need a minute...  (pauses)  You know what?  I think you should talk about whatever you want.  If kids are reading this stuff, it sounds like they should have the chance to talk about it with a responsible adult to help process some of these messages.  And the parents can sit in if they want, OK?
Lydia: Responsible adult?

So I'm on my own.  I have to come up with a curriculum all by myself.  But I have carte blanche!  Which is scary but also cool.  I've decided that it's a bad idea to base it on something I saw on Twitter last week, even though it would be awesome: 

"Teenage Girls, if your boyfriend is all sparkly in the sunshine & won't have sex with you, he's not a vampire. He's gay."


Then I thought of using The Oatmeal's amazing book synopsis as a jumping off point.  Then I thought again.  Then I considered using Mom-in-a-Million's book reviews.  Then all of it was rendered unnecessary.  Because I found out the awful (albeit hilarious) truth. 

The Youth Minister called me and layed it all out.  There are no junior and senior high school girls signed up for my class.  They're all mommies in their 30's and 40's.  Because the teenagers are all: "Twilight...yawn. Where's my phone?"  And the mommies are all: "Omigawsh!  Have you seen Eclipse yet?  Can you stand Taylor Lautner?! He's so cute!  Squeeee!!!"

The Youth Minister seemed sure I would be disappointed.  I was actually thrilled.  It means that I'm writing a Twilight curriculum for myself.  I anticipate that I will have excellent course evaluations.  People will wonder why everyone in my Bible Study leaves feeling so calm and happy.  Here's my outline:

Twilight Bible Study Curriculum For Moms by Lydia (in four sessions)
1. Tap T-box.  Pour into small foam cups.  Distribute.
2. Press play.
3. Giggle and make obnoxious comments.
4. Say Amen.
5. Go home.

It's going to be an epic saga, my friends.  I'm not really sure it has anything to do with the bible, but we'll figure that out later. 

xo, Lydia

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