Thursday, July 15, 2010

Completely Imaginary Celebrity Advice Column: Alaskan BabyDaddy

Dear Kate and Lydia,

My mom is going to be sooooo pissed.  You see I'm 19 and I'm a mommy.  My son's daddy and I broke up a while ago because he was acting all douchey.   After we broke up he acted even douchier.  About three months ago, we saw each other again.  Then all of a sudden he was all not douchey.  He's super cute and he's being really nice to me and being a single mom is like, really super hard.  So we're back together and we're totally getting married! 

Except I haven't told my parents because they sort of hate him.  Because when he was acting douchey, he sort of told a bunch of people that they were jackholes.  But he apologized for that!  Like a year later but still...  Do you think they're gonna be mad when they read about my engagement on the internet?  Am I doing the right thing? 

You see, my mom is like... black licorice or beets or body glitter or something.  If you like her, then you LOVE her and want to give her lots of money and have your picture taken with her.  If you don't like her, you sort of want to see her set on fire or something.  So no one will be honest with me because of her::eye roll::  So, I'm counting on you two... What do I do next?

Love,
Single teenage mom in Alaska

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Dear Bristol Palin,

First of all, you came to the right place.  Neither of us is a huge fan of your mom's.  One of us thinks she's sort of OK and the other thinks she's sort of embarrassing.  We both think the best part about your mom is all the Tina Fey that came with her.  So we're not fans but we're also not haters.  It's kind of a big, amorphous mass of not really caring.  What we are, in your case, is objective

So brace yourself, cupcake.

Honey, what in tarnation are you thinking?  Are your parents going to be mad?  That's a big yes.  Are you doing the right thing?  Ummm... Let's think about that... No

First of all, your baby-daddy is an asshat.  Notwithstanding the niceness you may now be experiencing, he is not a good dude.  We are totally sympathetic to your desire to have everything work out.  To be a wife and a mom and to put all the douchiness behind you and be a family.  And taking good care of your adorable and precious son has got to be priority numero uno.

And if you're doing this because you have just a wee bit of stored up bitterness you need to work through, well there is no better position from which to inflict enduring emotional and physical pain that that of legally married spouse.  But that is not a good reason to get married, no matter how much he deserves it.  Because you can totally square up on him without tying the knot.  Or you can call us and we'll do it for you.  But we suspect that your impending nuptials have nothing done with a desire to roundhouse kick him in the face like you were Chuck Norris.  Though we really wish you would...

Because your future husband is a turd, Bristol.  And you know that already, so please think things through a little more.  Let's map out the past year or so, to help clarify...
  • You guys break up.  He decides to work off his anger by bad-mouthing your whole family (including your baby brother with Downs Syndrome - that was a classy move), posing for Playgirl and making a failed effort to launch an acting career using the stage name (this is not a joke) Ricky Hollywood.
  • Your mom quits her job as Governor and starts making serious bank on the lecture circuit.  Your family now has lots of lovely money, which we imagine would slightly lighten the burdens of an 18-year old single mom.
  • Three months ago, the press starts reporting that you have also hit the lecture circuit and are earning $30,000 per speech.  Five minutes later, Senor Hollywood is sending you texts telling you how nice your ass looks in your Hollister jeans. And how he misses you.  And how is the baby doing?  And can he come over and bring you a Diet Coke and a Crunchwrap Supreme?
  • He makes a public apology to your parents in which he hopes to be forgiven for his "youthful indiscretions."  Meanwhile he is secretly banging their daughter. Again.  Then he pops the question again and like a strong, intelligent, independent woman of substance, you tell him to go f**k himself  say: "Squueeeeee! Yes!  I love you soooo much!"
  • You two idiots are too chicken-schmidt to tell your families what you're doing. [Editor's Note: Though isn't his mother in jail for selling OxyContin or something?  Yes?  Sigh... Don't let her babysit.] Because sneaking around having sex with this guy worked out really well for you last time, right?  So you sell the story to UsWeekly and your parents find out all the rumors are true via the press.  Well done, Bristol. 
  • So congratulations!  You've successfully humiliated and pissed off your parents and you got a man in the bargain!  Not just any man, either.  The dude that knocked you up in high school, abandoned you and your son, and then tried to destroy your family while showing off his wiener as "Ricky Hollywood." Come to think of it, if you really want him back - maybe you deserve each other.
We've admitted that we're not big Sarah Palin fans.  If you took the mathematical average of our feelings for her, positive and negative, the sum would equal: meh.  That being said, if she proposes taking a hockey stick to your betrothed, that's a policy we could support.  If she decides that you need a nice, long visit with her mean mommy voice, we say take that deal - you got off easy.

Also, a final bit of advice.  We strongly suggest having your mom hold a hockey stick poised and at the ready when you ask Levi to sign a pre-nup.  The second he hesitates - THWACK.  We'd even be there chanting: Go, Sarah, go!

Good luck, Buttercup.  You'll need it.
xo, Kate & Lydia

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