Thursday, July 15, 2010

Completely Imaginary Celebrity Advice Column: Alaskan BabyDaddy

Dear Kate and Lydia,

My mom is going to be sooooo pissed.  You see I'm 19 and I'm a mommy.  My son's daddy and I broke up a while ago because he was acting all douchey.   After we broke up he acted even douchier.  About three months ago, we saw each other again.  Then all of a sudden he was all not douchey.  He's super cute and he's being really nice to me and being a single mom is like, really super hard.  So we're back together and we're totally getting married! 

Except I haven't told my parents because they sort of hate him.  Because when he was acting douchey, he sort of told a bunch of people that they were jackholes.  But he apologized for that!  Like a year later but still...  Do you think they're gonna be mad when they read about my engagement on the internet?  Am I doing the right thing? 

You see, my mom is like... black licorice or beets or body glitter or something.  If you like her, then you LOVE her and want to give her lots of money and have your picture taken with her.  If you don't like her, you sort of want to see her set on fire or something.  So no one will be honest with me because of her::eye roll::  So, I'm counting on you two... What do I do next?

Single teenage mom in Alaska


Dear Bristol Palin,

First of all, you came to the right place.  Neither of us is a huge fan of your mom's.  One of us thinks she's sort of OK and the other thinks she's sort of embarrassing.  We both think the best part about your mom is all the Tina Fey that came with her.  So we're not fans but we're also not haters.  It's kind of a big, amorphous mass of not really caring.  What we are, in your case, is objective

So brace yourself, cupcake.

Honey, what in tarnation are you thinking?  Are your parents going to be mad?  That's a big yes.  Are you doing the right thing?  Ummm... Let's think about that... No

First of all, your baby-daddy is an asshat.  Notwithstanding the niceness you may now be experiencing, he is not a good dude.  We are totally sympathetic to your desire to have everything work out.  To be a wife and a mom and to put all the douchiness behind you and be a family.  And taking good care of your adorable and precious son has got to be priority numero uno.

And if you're doing this because you have just a wee bit of stored up bitterness you need to work through, well there is no better position from which to inflict enduring emotional and physical pain that that of legally married spouse.  But that is not a good reason to get married, no matter how much he deserves it.  Because you can totally square up on him without tying the knot.  Or you can call us and we'll do it for you.  But we suspect that your impending nuptials have nothing done with a desire to roundhouse kick him in the face like you were Chuck Norris.  Though we really wish you would...

Because your future husband is a turd, Bristol.  And you know that already, so please think things through a little more.  Let's map out the past year or so, to help clarify...
  • You guys break up.  He decides to work off his anger by bad-mouthing your whole family (including your baby brother with Downs Syndrome - that was a classy move), posing for Playgirl and making a failed effort to launch an acting career using the stage name (this is not a joke) Ricky Hollywood.
  • Your mom quits her job as Governor and starts making serious bank on the lecture circuit.  Your family now has lots of lovely money, which we imagine would slightly lighten the burdens of an 18-year old single mom.
  • Three months ago, the press starts reporting that you have also hit the lecture circuit and are earning $30,000 per speech.  Five minutes later, Senor Hollywood is sending you texts telling you how nice your ass looks in your Hollister jeans. And how he misses you.  And how is the baby doing?  And can he come over and bring you a Diet Coke and a Crunchwrap Supreme?
  • He makes a public apology to your parents in which he hopes to be forgiven for his "youthful indiscretions."  Meanwhile he is secretly banging their daughter. Again.  Then he pops the question again and like a strong, intelligent, independent woman of substance, you tell him to go f**k himself  say: "Squueeeeee! Yes!  I love you soooo much!"
  • You two idiots are too chicken-schmidt to tell your families what you're doing. [Editor's Note: Though isn't his mother in jail for selling OxyContin or something?  Yes?  Sigh... Don't let her babysit.] Because sneaking around having sex with this guy worked out really well for you last time, right?  So you sell the story to UsWeekly and your parents find out all the rumors are true via the press.  Well done, Bristol. 
  • So congratulations!  You've successfully humiliated and pissed off your parents and you got a man in the bargain!  Not just any man, either.  The dude that knocked you up in high school, abandoned you and your son, and then tried to destroy your family while showing off his wiener as "Ricky Hollywood." Come to think of it, if you really want him back - maybe you deserve each other.
We've admitted that we're not big Sarah Palin fans.  If you took the mathematical average of our feelings for her, positive and negative, the sum would equal: meh.  That being said, if she proposes taking a hockey stick to your betrothed, that's a policy we could support.  If she decides that you need a nice, long visit with her mean mommy voice, we say take that deal - you got off easy.

Also, a final bit of advice.  We strongly suggest having your mom hold a hockey stick poised and at the ready when you ask Levi to sign a pre-nup.  The second he hesitates - THWACK.  We'd even be there chanting: Go, Sarah, go!

Good luck, Buttercup.  You'll need it.
xo, Kate & Lydia

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  1. So freaking hilarious! I nearly spit my grande self esteemy (or's late...) all over my van this morning when I heard the wonderful news on the radio. WTF? I think there is a whole new SNL Tina Fey bit in the mom mother in law!

  2. Diet Coke & Crunchwrap Supreme? Thanks for making me spit orange juice all over my work laptop, ladies...

  3. Lovely! Having almost married a total douche at the age of 22 (without him being a baby daddy), she should RUN RUN RUN as fast as she can! No one should be allowed to get married until their head is completely out of their ashe not totally up it.

  4. Good luck, Buttercup is right. I hope her momma talks some sense into her. Of course, maybe she likes the publicity this will generate....her own little "Royal Wedding" Alaska-style.

  5. First of all, thank you for this because I have a new job and didn't have time to see it! WTF??!!

    Second of all, photoshop much? Obviously US had some creative license with that picture because that does NOT look like Bristol Palin at all.

    Third of all, UGH. I so hope it works out for her and the kid's sake but he's kind of a big ass so I'm guessing it won't.

  6. This was hysterical!! So true, too! I could only hope that Bristol gets a hold of this somehow!

  7. Rolling on the floor laughing my a@* off!!

  8. Somewhere in Wasilla, a team of divorce lawyers is gearing up to get really, really, famous...

  9. So hilarious. And best use of the word asshat I've seen in awhile.

  10. Imagine a picture of a hammer hitting a nail square guys are awesome and totally hilarious! And I too enjoy the use of the word asshat in this context. :) Let me tell you how sorry I feel for the youngest babies in this wacked out family...they didn't ask to be born into any of this nuttiness, but here we go...poor kids.

  11. This is awesome. I mean... awesome. Really and truly. Little Miss Bristol will get nothing good out of him. My guess is he decided to sell the story before telling her parents because it would bring in some money and prevent the full on attack that otherwise would have come his way. Doucharama.

  12. love it! I really wish I could accurately type my laugh....

  13. That was so good and true. What is she thinking, oh that's right, she isn't. Even though I am def. a Sarah Palin fan, I agree with everthing else you said about that loser she wants to marry - I feel so sorry for their baby boy!

  14. Oy vey - yeah, way to go Bristol. Proving yet again that teenage girls are nothing short of idiots - except perhaps in rare cases (just want to cover myself in case of hate mail). And um, yeah, way to scare a Mamma to future teenage girls to death. Sigh.

  15. Ummm yea Bristol, lemme tell you how the getting back together with baby daddy because he's baby daddy thing goes, it doesn't. What's that cliche phrase, oh yes, been there done that, stupid me. I, too, was forgiving and wooed by words, but I guarantee if he was a douchebag when you were with him and even bigger one when you weren't, he's still just as big a douchebag now!

  16. I aways tell people if I had married my bf at 18, I'd be in the ghetto working three jobs while he played video games all day and I'd still have to find sitters for the kids. Kind of like Bristol will have to. And yet, I still remember my intense love for him and I'd have done it, if i wasn't afraid of my Mom's reaction! LOL Enter Sarah Palin. She takes pictures with guns, Bristol! Are you CRAZY?! Wait... Maybe a quickie marriage Will take care of her annoying babydaddy problem... LOL On another note, what's with all the "we don't feel one way or the other scared-to-speak-you-mind-say-the-wrong-thing" stuff? Bc I thought ya'll were mind speakers no matter what! I only ask bc ya'll say it, like, ten times and it kinda felt like a "views expressed are not necessarily those of this station" crap. LOL

  17. You ladies nailed usual. Bravo!

  18. Am I the only one slightly disturbed by the way the baby daddy has his hand planted on the baby's behind?? That's just looks.....yuck. He should have stuck it on his leg, or on his arm, or on the mamas arm.


  19. Will you ladies please PLEASE print a copy of this, put it in an express mail envelope and send to Ms. Palin? While I do believe we learn the most from our mistakes, this is just not one worth making.


    PS- Thanks for making me laugh about it tho!

  20. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  21. If only celebrities would actually READ your advice, the world would probably be a saner place. In the meantime, at least we get to laugh!

  22. Okay... I love you guys. I really do.
    I am one of those freaks who thinks children of public figures are NOT fair game for public scrutiny and ridicule.
    Call me crazy, but how would you feel if it were one of your kids being blogged about in such a manner?
    I understand that Bristol Palin put herself in the public eye with her public service announcements and ads against teenage pregnancy. And the guy IS an "asshat" - no arguments there - as you have so aptly pointed out.
    However, I think there are plenty of other things out there to comment on and "find the funny" in that you don't need to drag Bristol Palin into the mix.

  23. Look, ya'll I was preggo at 18 and have been married for 25 YEARS... I had a choice... my issue is I am not sure Bristol did and if they had just been left alone without mommy deciding to accept the VP nod, w/o full disclosure of her daughter's "delicate condition" so much of the stress on the situation would have never occurred and they would have been long ago married.... no doubt. My issue is that when I was 18 i didn't get 30K to speak.... I wonder who paid for her health insurance... etc etc... she gives a "rosy" picture to teenage pregancy.. bet she doesn't have to pay off any student loans!

  24. Dear Bristol,
    I have been with a man for 17 years.... not knocked up until 3 yrs into the marriage, (yes my doing:) but he is still an ASS. Now that my kids are 10 and 7, kinda regretting the whole thing! DON'T DO IT.
    make sure you ask him if he likes to wear women's underwear.
    Don't ask ME. I should have kicked his ass to the curb when I found out the FIRST time 5 yrs ago.
    People don't change. Don't believe the hype.
    Much love, you know, whatever
    Soon to be single, (and kickin ass hot) mamma

  25. And they've broken up again! That didn't take long!




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