Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Happy 5th of July, Jackhole!

retro 4th of july Pictures, Images and Photos
I have a couple of bad neighbors and guess what their favorite holiday is?

The Fourth of July.

Perhaps their predilection for this holiday explains why their celebrations, like a bad summer romance, begin in the middle of June and end sometime (presumably when the fireworks run out) during the second week in July. You see, I was previously unaware that our nation’s Independence Day was actually a three week bacchanalian festival of Bud Light, Newports and setting off cherry bombs until 3am.

Notwithstanding history or tradition, Senor Jackhat sees it as his personal opportunity to party like a mad man with his lil' buddies.  And apparently our objections extend beyond being merely unpatriotic in their view.  Apparently, we are bunch of red communist b*tches. Brother, please, I am an authentic red-white-and-blue b*tch (who only wishes she had a pair of steel-toed crocs for this jackhole's onions).

I understand that I don’t like these guys. They're spoiled, expensive car-driving, suburban wanna be tough guys.  And am therefore not inclined to be understanding. But the Fourth of July is now over. So my patience is gone. If after tonight the noise and parties continue, I will lose my schmidt and it will not even be funny. For the last few days, every time I would hear the BANG! BANG! I would secretly hope it was the sound of my least favorite neighbor being shot by his pit bull in some Tom & Jerry-style mishap. Let’s not even discuss the improbability of that statement, let’s just focus on how truly desperate I am to have even thought it.

So here are some of the things I have been considering doing in response. They are all extremely juvenile and sadly, some are likely illegal.

  • I may grab a bat and get all Carrie Underwood on his truck. Maybe next time he’ll think before he sets off an M-80 under my window at 3:30 in the morning. 
  • I will put on my bathrobe and slippers and go over there screaming with my Jersey turned up to ELEVEN. I will be like: “Listen up, Hot Shot. You stop making noise before I come in there and hit you with this spoon. Why don’t you show a little respect for your neighbors, you motherless crack addicts?” Also, I would be holding a large wooden spoon.
  • Eggs in the mailbox. Old eggs, that may have been sitting in the sun for a few days. Accidentally.
  • TP in the trees and bushes in his front yard spelling out: D-O-U-C-H-E-H-O-L-E
  • A flaming bag of dog poo on his front porch that I may have possibly decorated in the colors of our enemies (I would not so desecrate the red, white and blue).
  • Globs of the stinkiest, nastiest diaper cream (I’m thinking original Desitin or A&D cream with the fish oil scent that never seems to wash completely off your hands) all over the underside of the door handles of his various cars.
  • Dumping several large bottles of industrial-sized blue food coloring into his pool so that when they emerge from their refreshing late night swim, they do so looking like a frigging Smurf. Drunky Smurf, perhaps.
Last night was so bad that my neighbor and good friend Ellen had to be physically restrained from going over there and squaring up. I would have loved to see that because she wouldn’t even need a spoon. She would only need her adorable tiny super-strength and for me to hold her earrings. And maybe for me to hum something for a soundtrack to her ass-kicking, like “Fire Burning on the Dance Floor”.

So hopefully, my jackhole neighbor will have gotten all of this lighting-noisy-crap-on-fire-stuff out of his system and last night was the end of it. Otherwise, either Ellen and I are probably going to get arrested (and I'll have to get a new spoon) or Kate will have to come over with her pointiest Manolos on and get to work. Either one is probably not modeling good behavior for our children.  And the chubby asshat really doesn't deserve this much thought and anger anyway. 

 Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
xo, Lydia

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  1. I vote for drunky smurf!!! I'm pretty sure that's not illegal...maybe. In any case, unlikely to get caught if you do it during his daily booze run :>

  2. Oh honey, you need you some Hungarian. My dh and his dad are PROFESSIONALS in the revenge business. Our neighbor bitched at dh because our yard was weedy. Dh went that night and peed on the handles of his garden tools. I shit you not.

    Seriously. As gross as it is, scrape up all the dog crap from the poor senior vet's yard and plaster his front porch with it. Or the door handles of his car.

  3. drunky smurf!!!!! haaaaaaaaaaa...that is hysterical! you should totally do it! ;)

  4. Here's whatcha do...Get some really, really good fertilizer/grass seed. You, Ellen and Kate go in under cover of darkness...Say, 5:00 am. You guys use the seed/fertilizer to write drunkey smurf, or asshat, or drunken douche on his lawn. Hopefully it will rain soon, but even if it doesnt he'll have a nice pretty DESCRIPTIVE word in his lawn in bright green (if it rains it'll be sooner, if not, it'll take a little longer) EVERY TIME HE MOWS IT WILL GET PRETTIER, AND BRIGHTER. My hubby tells me he did this one when he was a teenager. You gotta love the diabolical way his mind works. And essentially ALL YOU DID WAS FERTILIZE HIS LAWN. Helpful you. ;o)

  5. Take some advice from a Kansas girl -- 1. Throw hundreds of packets of jello into the pool. Only takes water to activate! 2. Stuff a couple Tampons into the gas tank. It'll always read at least 1/2 full tank. And it sounds like douchey is too lazy to refill until the gas light comes on. 3. Definitely pick up the poo and artfully fling it at his house (I do this everytime my neighbors' dogs do it -- of course, I'm full-out B at this time; cussing out them, their dog, AND their mothers for not raising them better) 4. egg and then saran-wrap their cars while they are passed out in a drunken stupor. 4. Call the cops and tell them that there's been strange activity at his house. People coming and going at all times of day and night; a strange smell coming from the basement -- "OMG, officer, do you think they might have a meth-lab! I just thought the poor boy had terrible allergies when he asked if I had any sudafed and took all 3 boxes I had!" Or you could just say he's dealing coke. Either way, I'm sure the police will be patrolling your neighborhood a bit more :) And do NOT be afraid to call them when they scream at each other late at night. Just tell the cops you think there's a baby in the house and don't want it to get hurt in their arguing. Police take reports of domestic abuse very seriously...
    In any case, good luck with silencing the idgit.

  6. There are enough of us on here, we should all go over in our minivans blaring the soundtrack to The Wiggles Space Dancing DVD till their heads explode!!

  7. they all sound like good ideas, I'd have a hard time choosing just one (hint, hint). Also,I can sympathize with you,I have decided to place calenders in ALL my neighbors mailboxes for Christmas this year with several references to the 4th and WHEN IT IS! We have been listening to the booms of firework fun since JUNE 25th, and my morons go one step further,they are also shooting them off during the DAY, because we all know how pretty fireworks are in the sunlight. And did I mention I have a 5 month old who's bed is by the window? You have inspired me, I have 3 large dogs & I may add a little something extra with the calenders. Thanks as always for reinforcing my feeling of not being alone in the world, Karen

  8. Ugh, can you call his parents? The downside of your parents doing everything for you (as I learned from a friend who lived in her parents-bought home with her parents-bought Mustang and her hubby's parents-bought Dodge Ram) is that they can chew you out for speeding tickets and collaborate with your boss on behavior modification. I'd rather be poor by a looooong shot, but I digress. I'd write a letter with details, take some photos, get several neighbors to sign it, and mail the whole thing to douchey's Daddy.

  9. I vote for combination of all- I think that you need to unleash Lydia hell on this twerp.

    We have a couple of college girls who are living in their parents home across the street. They have a ginormous dog who attacked the neighbor's pup a few weeks ago, and when Animal Control came to talk to them, LIED and said that the dog had been in their yard the whole time. The same dog who roams and terrorizes the neighborhood. And they like to walk around in bikinis for no reason. Thank goodness for camera phones. Next time Cujo got loose, my neighbor snapped his photo (standing in our cul de sac staring at their house like he was seriously WAITING for them to come out), and when Bikini Girls lied to AC AGAIN, they received a nice little $200 fine. Yay for justice!

  10. Doesn't your city have noise curfews??? Hello, Jersey 911.

  11. Drunky Smurf! And please sneak some pics. Who knows, maybe he can get hired on with the Blue Man Group. :)

  12. It all sounds good to me. Go for it. Chalk it up to karmic retribution, and no moral failing on your part. If it's serious enough to make a girl take off her earrings to deal with it, then I say bring out the big guns, mama.

  13. Know there are doucheholes like this all over the country. I think he may be related to the jackholes that live next to me outside Philly. These morons don't work - 12 adults - yes 12 ADULTS live in a 2 bedroom house. The 'dad' is 50 and looks about 80. All they do is drink all day starting about 1pm (ALL SUMMER LONG) in the blazing sun because they do not have air conditioning. Hell - they had their power turned off by the electric company last summer for 3 months and did not phase them one bit. So let's fast forward to 11pm - can you say CHAOS. Many times we will find someone passed out in the grass the following morning when we leave to go to work. Dumbasses! Let's not forget blasting fireworks all summer long normally about 2am and my bedroom faces their yard.
    Ready for the kicker ladies - we just moved out a month ago for my hubby's job to another state. These jackasses were foreclosed on and evicted TWO DAYS after we moved out. For the love of Pete!!
    I feel your pain girlfriend - thanks for the laughter on a daily basis!
    And being a Bronx girl and knowing way too many ways to retaliate on someone - I LOVE Sandy M's suggestions - they are awesome!

  14. I went to my neighbor's house at midnight and unscrewed all their outside lightbulbs just a little so they wouldn't turn on because they left them on ALL NIGHT EVERY NIGHT for months.

    Also, I second the kool aid or jello in the pool.

    How about playing some lovely classical/baroque/ or even better -- gregorian chants -- starting at maybe 5 p.m.? Play them outside, and a good volume.

    But be careful. You don't want their wrath particularly, do you? But writing to douchey's parents? Excellent.

  15. Oh, Lydia. I love the diaper cream idea and the Drunky Smurf! DO IT. Just think what a great blog post it would make!

  16. I HATE inconsiderate neighbors... AND fireworks.
    Okay, I actually like fireworks, when done by responsible, qualified individuals in designated areas as an art-type display.

    Last night our Jackhole neighbors were setting off huge, illegal aerial fireworks. Right across the street from andover my HUGELY pregnant, due-any-day pony's paddock. Poor girl spent the entire night frantic and running in circles, and one of my dogs dug out of our back yard, slipped her collar, and disappeared in the night. Luckily she came back in the morning and I was able to calm the pony down before she hurt herself... but still!

    So... I'm completely supporting any and all evil payback plans. I especially love the fertilizer on his lawn idea... beautiful! And I would definitely be writing his mommy and daddy a nice getting-to-know-you letter. Jello in the pool?! Awesome!

  17. bwahahahahahahahahaha! I've lived behind a jackhole like that before, and boy did I get my "B" on when the fireworks didn't stop till 3 am one year. The following year I called the cops, and the noise stopped very shortly thereafter. I love the jello suggestion, as well as the poo on the front walk. You ladies crack me up every day, thank you.

    PS, while at the zoo today with the fam I got incredibly annoyed at somebody letting their kid push others out of the way (she was old enough to know better but probably had not been taught that she was being rude, she had to be 9 at least) and I mentally screamed MUR THUR FURCK for at least 2 min so I wouldn't open my mouth and say something! It totally worked!

  18. Hmmm... we used to be the jackholes lighting off neighborhood firecrackers - BUT, we always invited ALL the neighbors on the street (and only did it for one night and cut off about 10pm, even tho the party might last longer).
    And then the ONE guy on the block who always turned the invite down would get his revenge by mowing his grass at 6:30AM on July 5th.
    Love, love, LOVE the fertilizer idea, and the car door handle ideas are all great, regardless of which material is chosen.
    I'd be inclined to have the kiddies build a catapult to deliver the poo into the pool, too...

  19. Nightfall has commenced here on the East Coast - and I hear fireworks in my development - the Million Dollar Question is - HAVE THE FREAKS COME OUT TONIGHT!?

  20. I must have the same neighbors. I told my husband that since they are making me experience their 5th of July, I was going to send them a recording of the baby screaming and dogs whining so they could experience mine.

  21. Ugg so I'm reading this post it's past 10:30 July 5th and there are a whole bunch of people on my street lighting fireworks together. I'm thinking I wish they had a pool. Worst part is I know that they have at least 2 kids under 4 down there that they are probably letting help light the fireworks. Best part, I'm moving out of this neighborhood in 2 days. I hate how a couple of bad neighbors can ruin a good neighborhood! I loved this place when we first moved in,a bunch of loud mouth, inconsderate people moved into several houses on our street and now it seems like I'm getting outta hell when we move!!

  22. I vote for ALL of Sandy M's suggestions. I'll help. Please let me help.

  23. What happened to the juicy suggestions in the comments that I read yesterday? Worried about law suits? Bring 'em back! They were hysterically funny!

  24. This is classic! And I can so relate. I have multiple neighbors who think that July 4th lasts for three weeks. And that all exploding things must be light in the middle of the night. I want to kill them all. I really do! LOL

  25. LMFAO!! go for all of it! Seriously I work on healthcare and I've had about 10 hours sleep past 5 days ( total!!) plan to get my revenge on July 6 at about 2 am lighting of 1000 firecrackers in middle of street, as tonight starts MY vacay!! Hehe

  26. Here's one you didn't mention: douse them all with the hosepipe. A couple of years ago we had some pretty crappy neighbours who went on and on and on with their fire works and partying, I think they must have used up about three months worth of salaries to buy all those rockets and twisters and whatnot. DH turned their own hose on them and hosed all the fireworks as well as all their booze and the drunkards lying in the flower beds. It was classic. Since then we keep a water bazooka nearby when we are expecting fireworks, you know for just in case. We plan on making it a family tradition when DD gets older. We will offer points to the family member that squirts the most douche bags. Double points if the douches have animals.

  27. OMG, I think you need to do all of that...especially Drunky Smurf ;)

  28. OMG!! Please, please please put the blue dye in the pool! Those of us with asshat neighbours are counting on you!

  29. Try living with your backyard bordering not 1 but 2 hidden common areas that not too many people in the HOA but neighbors know about. They had fireworks going before, during and after the town fireworks. Kids go to bed right after the town fireworks (which we see from our son's room or back yard). However the fireworks from our neighbors keep going and going. They have older kids so they must not remember what it is like with little ones around. Most of our other neighbors with little kids seemed to be out of town last night so we were the only ones serenaded to sleep by fireworks. And DH had to get up at 5 to leave for work! Ugh!
    We never had this problem when I lived in NJ as all fireworks were illegal except sparklers, however here in VA you see those firework shacks popping up in every parking lot in town! We have seen them offer up to buy one get 15 free!

    Jrseygirl in VA

  30. I vote to have a giant industrial sized pile of manure anonymously dumped on his front lawn. I have often thought how I could get revenge without violence or going to jail. And this was the course of action I came up with. No one gets hurt (or goes to jail) and you can secretely sit back and watch them shovel the huge pile of sh*t.

    Sharron in FL

  31. This is my neighborhood, too! And last night the jackhole's across the street set up their display slight left of center, closer to my yard, so that my new roof was littered with firecracker debris until midnight!

  32. Totally in our neighborhood, too! The same jackholes! A couple of years ago, they set someone's fence on fire with their asshattery.

    I read option two, and all the dialogue sounded like Mary from The Cake Boss inside my head. :-)

    I like the diaper cream idea.

  33. We have come to the conclusion that, at 12:01AM July 5th, everyone should be legally required to get all stabby on the neighbor that shoots fireworks. Not fatally stabby... just enough that they stop.it.already.




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