Thursday, July 29, 2010

The Horribles Awards

When I was in Season One, we went to this -- thing. Some would call it a parade, but a parade involves things like organization and planning and, well, people worthy of being in a parade.

This thing we went to was always on July 3rd. They called it The Horribles Parade.

Girls, it was just. so. awesome. Every random thing you could think of - dogs on unicycles, garage bands in discarded KISS outfits that had somehow turned themselves into a march-able unit, boys that didn't quite make boys scouts but rather some other wilderness group you'd find on the Simpsons, conjoined quadruplets, people who fancied themselves wildebeests, let's-make-a-pact pregnant teenagers, chemists, sixty-eight Easter Bunnies. They were all there. Marching along. With their platform boots and beakers and egg-filled baskets and wombs. Waving at the crowd.

It. Was. The. Best. Parade. Ever.

We'd watch something come traipsing down the street and be like "WHUCK?!?! Bunnies?" But they were so thrilled to be part of this. And, I swear to all that is holy in this world, there was a whole part of the parade dedicated to a clusterf**k of teenage girls who had made a pact to get pregnant together.

So, yesterday I got to thinking, we should have a Horribles Mothers Parade. We could all dress up and march down our street to songs like "We Are Family" and "She's a Bad Mama Jama" and wear signs that say why we are the Best Horrible Mother in any individual category. Like Most Likely to Forget to Pick Kids Up From School, or Worst Dressed Even By Wal-Mart Standards, or Future Visitor On the Other Side of the Glass. And, our kids could watch us stroll by, whether toting along a martini shaker or screaming like the cat woman on the Simpsons...and then look at each other sympathetically and say, "yeah, my mom won for Best Horrible Mother Who's a Drunk" and they'd all nod and say that's what they thought. 

And then there'd be the Best of the Horribles...and it would be Kate. Because she outed everyone in the Horribles Yearbook. 
And the grand prize winner could get a hysterectomy, even though it's WAY too late now. Ummm, woot?

So, here's your chance. Nominate yourself before your kids nominate you. Tell the MommyLand world how and why you're the Worst Mother in the History of Ever (Who Isn't a Felon). As it's Friday, we'll post the Best of the Worst...or is it the Worst of the Best? Include a picture, and you're pretty much guaranteed top billing. Because we're suckers for people who do their own artwork...

I'd like to thank my kids...without whom, none of this is possible. I'd cry, but you had my hormones removed. Fortunately, I replaced them with wine. Boxed wine. Cheers. And, suck it. Losers.

xoxo Kate

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. I've got nothing on this - my mom forgot a junior high school honour society thing once, but that's it. Oh, how I'm looking forward to reading the shenanigans on this, though!

  2. I have potty mouth. My three oldest children have pretty much disregarded it. My baby? Who is 3? Has not. Hence having to get him out of saying things such "F#ck this" and more recently: "What the h*ll?" I'm not proud of this. He's always very nonchalant and uses it in contexxt. So yes, I'm nominating myself for "Best Horrible Mother who uses Foul Language". Vote for me!

  3. Can I nominate my Mother-in-Law? She's pulled some whucked-up schmidt over the years.

  4. I am totally waiting for my "Mommie Dearest of the Year Award" for actually losing my schmidt about all the the freaking hangers ALL OVER THE UPSTAIRS. No actual beating with the hangers or a can of Bon Amie ensued, but I screamed for a good 10 minutes about what ingrates they were that they couldn't even hang up a freaking hanger. Clearly not my best mommy moment. Might have been PMSing, but not really sure, as that glorious hysterectomy had been done 10 month after baby#3 came along. Those operations should be elective.

  5. I think I need to be the crazy lady that screams outside (for all the neighbors to hear) for her son to get back in the house while he is running down the street in his princess dress (an NOTHING else). The problem with having nothing on under it was there was a ripped seam at the waist so you could see his very white arse under the chiffon layer. This really is how one of my friends remembers seeing me for the first time.

  6. I was a new mom by adoption. I had 2 boys aged 3 and 2 and it was the second Christmas together. I took them out to get the classic Christmas/Santa Picture. As I was standing in line, there was a mother behind me who was continually commenting on the people in front whose children were crying and they (the horrible parents) were making them sit on Santa's lap when they clearly didn't want to. For much of the wait I was herding my 2 ADD sons and quietly hissing under my breath what they would get if they didn't stop knocking over those displays, etc. When we finally got to the front of the line, my younger son went to Santa's side. My older son stayed at the entrance as if his feet were glued to the floor. Then, my younger son started to scream as I went back for my older son and bolted off of Santa's lap heading right. As I bolted for my older son and grabbed him by the ankle, I dove across the floor to grab my younger son by his foot and then I laid across the floor with one arm outstretched in either direction as both boys tried to crawl in opposite directions but were held down by one ankle. After a few seconds, I used all my strength to pull the two boys towards me and get up off of the floor. I then put them on Santa's lap and commanded the photographer to take the picture. And as they took it, I looked at the woman behind me and said. "This picture is for me! I don't care if they want it or not!"
    So, I get the "Worst mother in history who made her child sit on Santa's lap and get a picture"

    1. Good for you!! Stand up to that Perfect Mommy B!! Some people just need to learn to keep their comments to themselves!!

  7. The only thing I will admit to at this point is I threw a BUTTER knife at my brother while I was holding my child. There was a reason involving him thinking it is okay to expose my child to certain I got all psycho and showed him how to stab family. Yea, I know this sounds COMPLETELY nuts. I am re-thinking my sanity as I post.

  8. I just sent in my nomination, for Best Attempt at Killing My Children Via Breastfeeding With Medication on my Nipples. I rule.

  9. OK, (deep breath).... I have 6 kids. While some people think that this alone may qualify me as a candidate for the Funny Farm, I am an over-achiever.
    Over the past 15 years, I have pulled quite a few doozies, but the one that stands out in my friends' minds is the following:

    I was 2.5 months pregnant with #4 (other kids ages were 7, 4, 2), and we were in the middle of a TOTAL gut and self-remodel of our 80 year old kitchen. Dh was doing the whole thing himself, and it took him TEN months. This particular story happens around month 6 of the remodel.

    -NO kitchen; as in, no walls, no floors, no appliances, no sink, NADA.
    -We cooked in the unfinished basement on a single hotplate and a microwave, and had a 25 yr old fridge down there, as well.
    -We washed dishes in the bathtub of our ONLY bathroom. Yick.
    -Our dining room (a pass-thru from living room to bedrooms/bathroom) was covered wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling-fan with the cardboard boxes that contained all 24 of our new kitchen cabinets.
    -Our dining table was smack dab in the middle of our 20x12 living room, surrounded by dining chairs, sofas and the TV. We ate, drank, read, and watched TV in this room.
    -I had horrendous morning sickness, pregnancy exhaustion, and was probably depressed, too. I rarely left my bedroom, let alone my bed.

    OK, so the kids were serving themselves food and drink in the living room all the time, as they had nowhere else to "be", and a mother who couldn't seem to function at all. They spilled enough juice to fill the Grand Canyon, and the stickiness from their hidden and haphazard attempts to mop it up was driving me insane.

    One day, as I lay in my "sickbed", my oldest yelled to me that his brother had created the 20th spill of the morning. I had a very bad mommy-moment. I shrieked out, "If there is ONE MORE spill in this house, I swear to Peter-and-Paul that I will take a match and burn down this house while you watch from the sidewalk!".

    So, I nominate myself for "Mother Most Likely to Commit Arson Over Spilled Juice".

  10. I would be the most likely to forgot to be the Tooth Fairy. Four times with my oldest I forgot. You have to be really creative when you have a child crying because the Tooth Fairy didn't come see them. My best happened over Memorial Day weekend. I told my son that the Tooth Fairy didn't work on holidays... union rules. See we all have fairy issues. lol

  11. I get Most Likely to Forget to Buckle the Carseat. He's only 8 months old and I've forgotten at least 5x. Mother. of. the. YEAR!

  12. I'm nominating my mother for Most Likely to Emotionally Scar her PreTeen Daughter. Imagine the following:

    You are 11 years old and a flower girl in your uncle's wedding. In between the wedding and reception you get your very first period. Your mother knows what a horrible 40 years of hormones lies ahead and so tries to compensate by making this event seem like the best day of your life. Your mother gets so excited that while standing in the receiving line at the wedding reception she introduces herself like this, "Hi, I'm the groom's sister and MY DAUGHTER IS A WOMAN TODAY!!!" To Every. Single. Guest.

    While we laugh about it now, there's still a small preteen part of me that is still mortified beyond belief. What's worse is that there are days that I catch myself behaving like my mother and I fear for my one year old daughter.

  13. I'm going to nominate myself as "The Mommy Most Likely to Lose Her Schmidt Over the Smallest Issue"..... here's my backstory.... I have three wonderful, smart, loving daughters. We school them at home because private school is something that cannot be afforded..... like even if I had a job to pay for tuition, we still couldn't afford it; and our local school district is SO jacked up that I wouldn't enroll my dog in it.

    My kids are with me all.the.flippin.time. The younger two consistently feel the need to pull every fother mucking thing out of their toy bins to get to ONE SINGLE TOY, causing the play room to look like the Super Dome in New Orleans after Katrina. The younger girls are also quite the little sneaky thieves too..... always absconding with my hair brushes, combs, clips, etc.

    Now, why I nominate myself..... The other day I was in a hurry (HA!) and trying to get out the door on time (again... HA!) and couldn't find my "good comb". AGAIN. I starting screaming about how sick I was of their constant need to take MY things out of MY bathroom... it escalated into me yelling about how ungrateful they are for all the things they DO have, how there are so many families struggling day-to-day to put food on their plates....yada yada yada. I was angry to the point that I started crying.... how they take advantage of me.... don't appreciate what I do for them... it goes on and on....

    I made the girls scour the entire house looking for my comb..... which made us late for our outing.... only to go back upstairs to my bathroom and find the *&^%@ comb on the floor under the edge of my sink cabinet. OOPS!

    Sadly.... it's not the first time I've "flipped out" over something so trivial. sigh.....

  14. Um, yeah, I so dated a guy in high school who went to college in Gloucester, where that banner is from up above and...yeah. He's an OB/GYN now. That is all.

  15. I nominate myself for "Most Creative Idol Threats" Here are some examples:

    "If you don't hush up right now I will pull your ears over your face and staple them to your chin!"

    "If you touch that one more time I will break everyone of your little fingers!"

    "Leave me alone or I swear I will drive out into the country and leave you with a family that drinks goats milk and kills their own chickens!"

    But the worst one is:
    "If you pick up that cat again I will break its neck and throw it in the garbage!"

    I.AM.AWE.FULL! So vote for me.....or I will fill your bed with prickers from the ouchie bush in the front yard!

  16. Last year was a complete sh**hole of depression for me and I was barely able to function. Left home alone during the day with my two youngest, I would often forget to feed them breakfast or lunch and only remember when I caught them eating out of the garbage. It was horrible and I'm not proud. I'm a regular here so you're damn skippy I'm posting this anonymously. They survived, and so did I, but I still think that I should get some sort of award for that kind of whacktacularness.

  17. I ate my 3 yr old son's M&Ms (his special treat after TBall-he lives for the treat) after he went to bed and relaced them with raisins. When he asked what happen I told him M&M's turn into raisins when you don't eat them fast enough. That's just the tip of the iceberge.

  18. Five of my six pack had some sorta workshop one day so my mom and I decide to have a nice lunch that didn't come with a toy. We waited in the entrance for like five minutes, getting all annoyed, when I realize...
    I left the baby in the car!
    I looked really cool running after her (like a crack head running away from the scene of the crime). Luckily, she was sleeping in her car seat. Obviously I had more than just a glass of tea with my lunch that day!

  19. I handle my stress beautifully by putting on a placid Stepford-wife smile and counting the hours until I can have a cocktail. Therefore, I nominate myself for "Mostly likely to nod at whatever you're saying while trying to contain the crazy look in my eyes."

  20. Hm, maybe "Most Likely To Wet My Pants While Reading This Site For The Very First Time." I own that one.
    But as far as mothering goes, let's see. I'm right up there with the "creative idol threats" cause just yesterday I told my 5 year old son that he he didn't stop growling at me I was going to cut his tongue out then he wouldn't be able to make any noise at all.
    But then again I so totally see myself in the "contain the crazy look till get a margarita" spot, too.
    I even forgot the tooth fairy when my daughter lost her second tooth. It was also over weekend where 6 other kids in her class had also lost teeth on Friday and she was the only one on Monday who said "the tooth fairy was so busy at everyone else's house she didn't make it to mine yet".
    Oh my goodness. I do it all. I yell at my kids from the front porch, the whole neighborhood knows when it's bedtime at my house. I have a clothesline in the back yard and I leave the towels out overnight.
    Oh, I got it. "Most Likely To Forget To Bathe her Kids Regularly". It's summer. We go to the pool and we play outside. Do we really have to bathe and wash our hair? Really? The chlorine doesn't take care of any germs?

  21. Was there a catagory for "Using Benign Authority Figures to Assist in Parenting?" When my two were toddlers...I lived for our twice-weekly playgroups at the park. My younger child is what those that don't live with her would call "strong-willed" and "spirited." My friends used to play a game (unbeknownst to me) where they would set up a bet to see how many minutes into the playdate it would take before I would loudly whisper-hiss, "Look here missy, straighten up or the PARK RANGER will come and give you a citation!!!" Of course my 2 year old had no idea what a citation was, but I think her impressive imagination actually helped make this an effective discipline technique.

  22. "Mom most likely to use duct tape as disciplanary stategy". With two boys 6 and 13, both with ADHD...I hve been known to threaten to duct tape them to their beds and/or each other. Just fr a few minutes of no one running around, yelling or getting into something. Fortunately I have never actually done this. Of course the other side to this I have told DH that he better be home soon or he would find the kids in this manner and me hiding in the closet with a bottle of alcohol. Gives a whole new meaning to closet drinker. Glad to say again, that I have never actually drank in the closet.

  23. Did you know that the tooth fairy has an email address? Yes, s/he does, because most of the time, s/he forgets to come. Sometimes for multiple nights in a row. There was the time s/he got confused because the tooth that fell out at church got left in the van so s/he didn't find it under the pillow and then the next night when s/he went to the van s/he got confused because it wasn't there anymore, it was under the pillow and then the next night s/he just gave up out of confusion. that. All 4 of my kids have had to live with unreliable imaginary creatures...the Easter Bunny skips us with some regularity too. Dang rabbits. And hey, if your birthday gets celebrated within the month of your birth, that's good. Party? Really? So I want to be nominated for the Mom most likely to screw up childhood rites of passage...




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