Friday, July 22, 2011

It's Hot As Balls

We're having a heat wave and it sucks monkey balls.  There's just no getting around how hot it is.  It's the fourth day in a row with temperatures over 100 degrees.  It's HIDEOUS.  According to the news, the air quality is a Code Red.  No big deal... It just means that the very air we breathe has turned into poison.  So, I mean, whatever...

And I would like to remind everyone that Code Red is never, ever a good thing in MommyLand.  Ever.  I mean, just look at our Schmidt Advisory System (thanks Pregnant Chicken).  Being in the rojo is no bueno.

The last time it got this hot, our air conditioning went out and I just about lost my mind.  But it taught me something really, really important.  There is a market for an effective and affordable anti-perspirant for cleavage.  You know I'm right.

It also taught that me that the the most powerful person in the entire world is not in fact an elected official or Bill Gates or the awesome bearded dude from the Dos Equis commercials, but rather the receptionist at Freezy's Heating and Cooling Repair.  Do not doubt the veracity of that last statement, my friends. 

When I was lucky enough to get her on the phone, I turned on every ounce of charm and mojo I had.  I used all the funny material in my arsenal to make that woman like me and put my humble home on the top of their repair list.  And then, just when I had made a little progress, my kids started brawling like it was UFC Night at a frat house.  All she could hear was screaming and thumps.  Then the baby started crying. 

Aww... furckitty furck wad.  But all was not lost.  For then, a miracle occurred.

The receptionist at Freezy's, the most powerful woman on earth, said: "Jeez honey, you got your hands full, dontcha?  Hose 'em down or something.  I'll get somebody right over there."  Thank you children, for that five minutes unbridled mayhem and brattiness.  For once, your misbehavior has actually helped improve an already bad situation. 

But it took 24 hours to get it fixed.  In that time, I also learned another important life lesson.  I learned that I hate and despise the neighborhood teenagers and their incessant need to drive around late at night blasting music.  It made me want to turn into Rita Delvecchio from mid-90's SNL and start screaming at them in my housecoat and slippers.  "You kids! You come back here and I'm gonna get my bat!  You scum-suckin' maggots! Turn down that damn music!  It sounds like cats in a trashcan, you dirty sons of bastards!"

Ok, maybe I don't have a housecoat.  Not yet.

But I digress.  Back to the hotness,  The mid-numbing, stomach-aching, lung-collapsing heat that never ends.  I really don't think there's a silver lining to this situation.  The situation that has effectively trapped me in my house with my kids with no hope of escape.  Because its not like we can go outside, what with the 100+ degree temperatures and the air being poison and all. 

There are only a couple of things you can do when it's this hot out.  All of them involve being wet.  One involves the purchase  or rental of a costly beach house.  Another involves a sprinkler. And the last involves going to the pool. 
But hell's bells, the pool is nasty, too.  It's as warm as bathwater (which is super nasty) and it smells like a toilet recently cleaned with bleach.  And it's basically turned into a huge petri dish (pee being the operative word).  You can actually see the protozoa swimming around all tadpoley and spermy.  In a few more days, they're going to grow spines and legs and crawl out of the pool to start a new species.

So the pool is not my favorite option.  And let's not skip over the fact that the sun will scorch your sanity and blister yer britches in about ten minutes flat, even if you slather yourself in SPF 50 and its 9:30 in the damn morning. 

You can't win.

You can't beat the heat.  You can't turn on your oven.  You can't limit your kids to less than 2 hours of screen time per day.  You can only hope for one of those mind-blowing thunder storms when the sky turns black and the heavens open up and lightning strikes and Highlanders appear out of nowhere and do battle while solemnly screaming; "There can be ONLY ONE." 

And then the temperature drops 20 degrees and things start to feel better again.  I'm praying for a thunderstorm, people.  I'm begging for one.  Because I can't take much more of this...


Until then, bring on the Freezy's guys. Or, that cleavage stuff. That would be awesome.

xo, Lydia

Please note: This post has spiffed up and improved from when it was orginally run last summer.  Just for you.

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  1. I have discovered the joys of Gold Bond Powder beneath and between the girls. It doesn't put a stop to the perspiration, but it helps.

    I have also discovered the joys of movie theatres and bowling alleys. Lots of theatres run kids movies for free or cheap in the summer, and one of the national chain bowling alleys has free bowling with shoe rental... I know it has some time and age restrictions, but it's a start!!

    In the meantime, think about Alaska. Raspberry Sorbet. Lemonade. Then take a cold shower.

  2. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sublimely expressing the hatred of heat! I grew up in and now live once more in the desert, and I furcking HATE heat. Triple digits are the norm here for at least three months of the year. I feel your pain!!! (I'd move if I could. I really, really would.)
    Thank you also for finding the funny in something that makes most people (including me) - at best - grumpy!
    Hope that heat wave breaks soon!
    ps - Love the tightrope art!

  3. Lucky you, at least you know the madness is supposed to end.

    I live in Vegas, we start the 100+ temps in early June (or May, if it's a bad year) and they just keep climbing thru August. It doesn't drop down below the 90s til October or November. We're effectively housebound for half the year. Now that sucks monkey balls.

    P.S. LOVE that last picture.

  4. Ah, Highlander, LMAO!! The heat is here as well. And we're off to the petri dish, too. Such fun!

  5. Love the Highlander reference!!! :)

  6. So, we have had the same heat wave in CT and I just moved to a house with NO AC! Not even a window unit since the ex decided that the one he promised us is not ours anymore! And I have to unpack! But I haven't bc its TOO HOT!! AND a storm came in 2 days ago, cooled us off for about 6 hours and then the heat came back!!! TORTURE.

  7. There is so much awesome in this post that I don't even know where to start:

    1. Dos Equis dude
    2. Cheri Oteri on SNL
    3. Highlander reference!

    Stay cool, Lydia. We are in the middle of a heat wave down here in AL too- plus, we have to deal with the freakin' humidity. Blargh.

  8. Oh oh oh! I just read an article at Salon (because I have to read smart stuff to convince myself that hours spent scrutinizing what a douche Jon is and how lucky Kate is that he left is not really *that* bad) that talked about A/C being one of the most world-changing technologies. Apparently it's also using up energy and something about global warming and killing polar bears. All I could think was DIE, little bear cubs, DIE--I need my A/C.

    (That was *mostly* a joke. Also I live in Oregon, where it's "too cool" for anyone to bother putting central A/C in apartment complexes and is 90 degrees INSIDE unless I open every window and avoid washing dishes, cleaning laundry, and cooking--my dream life!)

  9. You know what would help in this kind of heat? Snuggling with Edward Cullen.

  10. Wow. Rebekah - while I hate all that is Twilight, you made me snort my cappuccino.

  11. I read Laura Ingalls Wilder's "The Long Winter" in the summertime. It makes me shiver for no reason. I especially like to eat popscicles while I read it, partially because I find that when you read about people starving its not so sad if you're eating, and partially because it adds to the icy ambiance.

  12. If you put a few drops of essential oil and some witch hazel in a spray bottle, then keep it in the refrigerator, you can squirt it on the back of your neck, your face & between the girls for a blast of cool goodness. And it camouflages/deodorizes the cleavage sweat, too!

  13. I never thought I would find some solutions to the cleavage deodorant problem. Hilarious!

  14. ugh,heat. I told my OB last week I hate being pregnant in the heat. He said "at least you are only like 8 weeks along and not carrying extra weight" BUT I have morning sickness that could bring down a fully grown elephant and there is nothing like popping outside long enough to check the mail just to vomit at the mailman's feet.

  15. OMG... cleavage sweat, the worst part about summer! ewwwwwwwwww!!! Bring on the rain!

  16. It's true. It's damn hot! But it could be worse - you could be PREGNANT in this heat (I know, shut my mouth!).

  17. Yep, eight months pregnant in this heat. Not cool. Literally. Hang in there, girls!

  18. If you were to turn that meter into a fridge magnet with and indicator, you'd be millionaires! Seriously, I would buy a bunch....

  19. OMG girl. I just wish the damn heat melted fat as well as it does everything else. No, no fat melting. It just fries your fat crispy.

    Oh and uh...Adrian Paul is HAWT. Well, he was as Duncan McCloud anyway. I assume his hotness persists to this day.

  20. Y'all will hate me.....but I love living in Seattle!! Of course we have no air conditioning for the six days a year that the temp raises above 86degrees. So on those days I can relate!

    PS. Highlander!?! Lydia, I love when you let your geek flag fly!

  21. I'm with you Val, go Pacific NW! We just had a heat spell, +90 degrees for a few days. With no AC. Seriously, come on out for a little respite, Southern Ladies, you can stay with me and swim in our glacier fed lakes and rivers. However, it balances out with 9 months of overcast, rainy weather.

  22. We are at 25+ days in a ROW of 100+ temps. Yay for central Texas :-/. We sleep late every day, do the dollar movies, play wii sports/fit, nap, swim, and stay up laaaaate to play outside when the temp is 90 and below. And August is always worse!! Can't.wait.for.October!!!!

  23. hellooooo from the cool and wet southern hemisphere and I can't help wishing for a teeny bit of your heat but of course, living in a severe bushfire prone region of Australia I can sympathise with the heat going on for days and weeks. It's quite normal for us to get several weeks in a row of 40+ degrees celcius (104) with the added bonus of wondering if your town is going to be times! All I can suggest is keeping the house as dark as possible and if the a/c is down a wet towel draped over a fan works wonders. Good luck!

  24. I'm stuck in my house with two hot kids and only one measly window AC unit. Yesterday I watched the 1 and 3yo have a knock-down, drag-out fight over who got to stand in front of it. F this, I'm moving to Alaska.

  25. THANK YOU for this post - this is me right now. 100 degree plus since Saturday with 80% humidity! Took the boys outside for kiddie pool and Popsicles for 20 minutes the other day...ended up with my oldest vomiting from the heat (seriously, making a bad situation so much worse).

    We had a wonderful, amazing, and much needed thunderstorm yesterday morning - it actually rained off and on for hours. Which was great and amazing and the temp dropped down to 80....then the rain stopped, the clouds cleared up and we ended up with a heat index of 115.

    I'm with Louise...Alaska here I come!

  26. Indoor pools are awesome in this awful heat. Spent the afternoon in one yesterday!

  27. At least you have A/C in your house. We just moved to Rhode Island and apparently, they don't believe in it here... WHUCK!

  28. It's 100 degrees here from April to OctoberJuly 22, 2011 at 9:09 AM

    Take it from a Georgia mom: Fill the tub with lukewarm water (it'll cool fast enough) and dump the IHPs and all those useless Happy Meal toys in it - one gender at a time. Spread the bathroom floor with towels and CLOSE THE DOOR. Ignore the splashing and mayhem. Towels will dry in about 10 minutes if you lay them on the driveway/front lawn.

  29. Okay, seriously, you are hilarious. And when they invent the antiperspirant for cleavage, I'm there with money in-hand, Sistah. :)

  30. It was nice to see all the suggestions for cleavage sweat. I am much more well endowed than most of my friends who don't seem to have this issue.

    I am an AC princess - I spent yesterday's heat advisory running errands in my son's cute little VW bug - with no AC. Drat having to take my car to the shop. Have to say its really hard to look sassy when your hair is plastered to the side of your head and the sweat is literally rolling down your face.

    Come here, I am more than willing to share my AC!

    Oh and Rebekah the Twilight reference was AWESOME!!!!

  31. When I lived in Texas for a few years (grad school), I asked a long-time resident how on EARTH she got used to living in the heat (she grew up in Poland). Her response was epic:

    "One cannot get used to living in Hell."

    -kate in MI

  32. Hey Gayle - I hate hate hate the summer weather here Down Under and the possible incineration from 5 minutes of sunlight, but I'm not liking this endless rain right now, either! And while I didn't think things could get worse than no central A/C, I discovered no central heat means that I'm colder inside when it's 50 F outside than I was when I lived where it snows!

    Good luck, Summer Ladies. You'll be waving to us Down Under in December when we're swearing at the heat and you're not quite into Snowmageddon months. Meanwhile, we feel you're pain.

    P.S. Love the Highlander reference, too!

  33. The storms hit Iowa last night and broke our heat wave. Hopefully, it's coming your way!

    P.S. Regular deodorant works for The Girls. But be careful of nice bras because it can stain.


    This may help with the boob sweat issue. You're welcome. ;) They're also a product for men, but I'm too classy to post it. Well, too classy today.

  35. I love your blog! I'm a new reader and I'm addicted- you're so funny! I'm staying the summer in central America right now (Republic of Panama) and it's significantly cooler here. It stays at a constant 27*C. I think that's a little scary...
    Also, where DO you get those awesome vintage cartoon pictures?! I love them!

  36. Sorry to say it but I'm actually a bit jealous. We have yet to have a summer here in the lower mainland of British Columbia, Canada. Normally it can hit 35-40 celsius (95-104 F for all you 'mericans) but so far we have yet to go beyond 32 and that was only for a day. Imagine, clouds and rain with only a day or two of sun in a row. We have yet to even SEE the beach this year. Major suckage ladies. I just had to buy jeans and a sweater for my 7 month old, so where is global warming when you need it? Not here, I can tell you!

  37. "You can actually see the protozoa swimming around all tadpoley and spermy. In a few more days, they're going to grow spines and legs and crawl out of the pool to start a new species."

    this is where teenagers come from...

  38. I'm a miserable 8 months pregnant in this disgusting heat and stepping outside is torture on the most supreme of levels! Who knew you could actually sweat in all of THOSE places?
    My husband often comes home from work to find me laid out like a beached whale in front of a fan on high. I think I'm going to have to pay some therapists bills for my older offspring.

  39. I'm another one in HOT Texas where our heat is like this for like 5 months out of the year. Ok maybe not THIS hot but come on, when it's hot and humid it's HOT and HUMID and one more day is one too many. Blech. Hate it. And three kids trapped indoors all day is no fun. Especially since mommy hates waking up early and hangs out in her PJs until at least 9am drinking coffee, catching up on blogs while feeding the kids breakfast and by the time we are ready to go anywhere it's already hit beyond 90 degrees and it's too hot to stay anywhere. Oops. My bad. By the time I finally figure out that waking up early and getting a move on is a GOOD THING it'll be time to start back to school again anyways.

  40. 30 weeks pregnant here. Dying from the heat. It's been in the 40'sC since last Thursday. Our ac can't keep up and the little princess has to sleep on the flOor of our bedroom because her room is too freaking hot. I have read three 900 page books since the weekend and have barely got out of bed. Was planning on escaping the heat by going to the museum to show the kid some real dinosaurs if for no other reason than to escape the endless hours of dinosaur train we have had to endure. Was expressly forbidden from doing so by OB because he doesn't want me on my feet that much. Maybe I will just grab an air mattress and plant myself in the frozen food section of the grocery store. I think management will understand.

  41. P.S. The entire highlander tv series is on Netflix. We just watched it. Twice.

  42. I'm reading and loving every minuet of it :) very funny stuff!! I have to say in defense to the heat... I live in MI where summer is all of 3 months, the rest is mostly winter. Last winter was probably the worst one I've witnessed since moving to the lower part of this state. 20 yrs ago! My husband and I were out freezing our butts off shoveling snow that was deep and heavy every other day!!! Not to mention the windburn on our face... I was praying for summer all winter there's nothing going to stop me from enjoying every hot minuet of it. And I'll miss it when it's gone :/ I would totally move to Texas or Nevada or where ever it's not winter most the year. Money keeps us stuck her. Sorry ladies, I'll take the heat over snow any day!




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