Friday, July 2, 2010
More Overheard At the Pool
God I love the pool.
Mom: "John! Stop yelling! Unless you're drowning, there's no reason for all that noise. Cut it out!"
John: "So only yell if I'm drowning underwater?"
Mom: "Ummm, yeah. And, splash a lot."
Kid: "Dad! Throw me in the pool!"
[Dad picks up kid and football hurls him ten feet into the water]
Kid: [while airborne] "TOO HARD!"
Lifeguard: "You OK?"
Kid: "Umm, yeah. I think so."
Lifeguard: "You wanna go to the First Aid stand?"
Kid. "No, I think I'm just gonna go puke."
Woman: "God, I need to go get waxed. This is a disaster."
Friend: "Really? Doesn't that hurt? And you're all, you know..." [flashes legs open then quickly closes them]
Woman: "It's a waxing, Tess, not a pap smear."
[at the front desk]
Lifeguard: "Hi. What's the last name?"
Dad: "Duggar." *
[kid types into computer]
Lifeguard: "And first names?"
Dad: "Abby, Michael, Jane, Eli, Jonah, Kerry, Tom, St--"
Mom: "Tom's at Lisa's, David." [to lifeguard] "Not Tom. John, Charlotte, Caroline, Steven, and -- and -- who'd we miss?"
Kid #80 or something: "Me!"
Mom: "And Whitney. Oh, and five...no, six. Six, right? [counts random children] Yeah, six friends. Do you need their names too?"
Lifeguard: "Ummm, no. There's, like, not enough room on the form."
Mom: "Hey! I said no running!"
Kid: "But I gotta go pee."
Mom: "Walk quickly."
Kid: "Mom, I'm not gonna make it."
Lifeguard: "Run, kid."
Mom 1: "Oh, sh*t. I think I -- please tell me you have the -- you know."
Mom 2: "No. You grabbed it, I thought. I have the cranberry juice and limes. Oh, please don't say you--"
[frantic rifling through bags]
Mom 1: "I think it's on the counter with the green bag."
Kid: "Mom, I left my goggles at home in the green bag."
Mom 2: "How long are we here for?"
Mom 1: "Til six-thirty."
[they stare at each other]
Ron Burgundy shows up. Six girls scream McGee's name and point at Ron. The whole pool stops to watch. McGee flees in one direction. Ron flees in the other. Subtle.
Kid: "Mom! Mom! Make big waves for us! Please??"
Mom: "OK, baby, but I'm not sure how to do that."
Kid: "You just get in."
Kid: "Dad, can you give me a ride?"
Dad: "Sure, pal. Hop on."
[kid grabs onto dad's back]
Kid: [yelling] HEY! Who wants to ride my dad!?"
Dad: "OK! Let's pack up." [pause] "Guys? Kids? Hey! Pack up - let's get going!" [pause] "HEY! How 'bout packing up already?" [longer pause] "OK I'm going. Let's get moving." [sits down] "OK, one more hour." [kids smile at each other]
Duggar Mom: "Ping pong table, with Caroline."
Dugger Dad: "And the twins?"
Duggar Mom: *sighs* "Diving board."
Dugger Dad: "Oh, yeah, there they are." [looks around] "Wait. Where's Tom?"
Duggar Mom: "Jesus, David, he's not even here."
Dugger Dad: "There's so many..."
Duggar Mom: [gets up and walks away]
Kid, on diving board: "I LOVE THE POOL!" [splats] "Owwww. I don't love the pool."
Mom [in pool with three kids hanging on her]: "Oh thank God. It's over."
*some names have been changed, possibly.
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