Monday, July 19, 2010

No Speaka The Language

We're having a family dinner with the Little Terror Suspects.  The children are discussing the fact that they think they're both bilingual.  They are not.  Thanks to Dora the Friggin Explorer and 30 hours of preschool Spanish class, Hawk thinks he is a fluent speaker. Of Spamich.  He is a fluent speaker of a bunch of crap that he just made up that he thinks sounds like it could be Spanish.  It was super funny.  At first.  Then we took him to a Mexican restaurant where it quickly became not even funny a little bit.  Especially when the child became irate that people were not responding to him in Spamich.

Thumbelina, on the other hand, has overheard one conversation in French.  Armed with the knowledge that anything French is both fancy and awesome, she feels that she understands the French language and can even speak it un peu.

Thumbelina (age 7): "So if someone asks you about a cat, how would they say it?  La cat?"
Lydia: "No, honey. La chat."
Mini-mini-me (20 months): "SHAT!  Momma!  Shat!"
Hawk (age 5): "In Spamich, it is el taccasa."
Lydia: "The word 'cat' in Spanish in gato."
Hawk: (sighs and shakes his head) "No, it's not, Mommy.  You didn't take Spamich, so you don't know.  Like I said it's el cattasa."
Lydia: "What? That doesn't even..."
Thumbelina: "In French, the word 'man' is man-soor, because it's a man.  Get it, mommy?  It's not hard."
Cap'n Coupon: (looks at me, highly amused) "That's right, honey.  It's not hard.  Just pay attention to the kids and you'll get it eventually."
Thumbelina: "And 'woman' is mad-man-zell.  But I don't know why. Maybe because when they get married, she makes the man-soor mad."
Hawk: (oozing smugness) "Do you know what you call a man who is about to get married to a lady? He is called a Beyonce."
Thumbelina: "You're right! I didn't know you spoke French!"
Hawk: (shrugs casually, as if to say: Whatever. I'm awesome. Now you know.) "I get it from Daddy."
Lydia: "Daddy speaks English and German.  Not French.  Or Spanish."
Thumbelina: "Oh Mommy! That's so sad.  You're the only one in the family that can't speak lots of languages..."
(The three of them stare at me with pity in their eyes, as if I have just arrived home from the Ambulatory Care and Outpatient Lobotomy Center. I leave the table and pick up the baby from her high chair.  She immedietly squeals: "SHAT!" and then happily slaps me across the face.)
Hawk: "Don't be mad, mommy.  We still love you."
Cap'n: "Sure we do.  Even if you can't speak Spamich."

The End.

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