Thursday, July 22, 2010

My Top 10 "Oh, Now I Get It" Moments

We've told you all about Amy, the Pregnant Chicken right?  How we love her and stalk her and wish we could spend every day curled up at her feet staring at her adoringly?  Just read this, you're going to pee a little.

Here's the sitch', before people have kids there are many occasions where they'll observe people who have children and think "When I have kids I will never ______" Then you go and get yourself some of those cherubic, little angels and if you're like me, you have about 8 million "Oohhh, Now I Get It Moments" – they're like Oprah's "Aha" moments but without the free car.

Here are just a few of the little judgement gems that I passed with Gweneth Paltrow smugness until I had children. I was an idiot but clearly the Gods were listening.

"My kids will never sleep with me."
I love my sleep and therefore, any child of mine would be kissed on the head at 7:00 pm, would be put in their crib and would stay there until the morning. Except what I didn't realize is that it's really hard for me to sleep through bloodcurdling screaming and that I'd have a kid who thinks Dr. Ferber can go suck it. In a desperate measure, I tossed him into bed with us one night and we've all had a good night's sleep even since. I don't tell many people about it because it's the grand daddy of all my "I'll Nevers" unless, of course, you bring it up then I'm all over it like the hypocritical hippy I am.

"My kids will eat what they are fed."
Don't like dinner? Well, I guess you're not eating. Then I walk away and think about how I'm already worried about his calcium intake and if he's eating enough protien. If he goes to bed hungry then he'll no doubt perish in his sleep all because I wouldn't let him have cereal at dinner. Joan Crawford, Dina Lohan, me. Here's your cereal.

"I'll never ignore my kids like that."
Why do you even have children if you don't want to be around them?! How hard is it to accommodate your child if the sweet little petal is asking you to read Goodnight Moon? Pretty hard if it's the 4,753rd time you've read it that day and if you ever have a stroke it will, no doubt, be the only information you'll retain. Sometimes I just want half-a-stinking-second to think. I love my children but for the love of God, let me pee alone – I can't remember where I've heard that brilliance before.

"Why don't you just take your kids to the park, it's so easy?"
You know, you just sit there while they have fun. Oh, wait you want to go on the swing? No more swing now? Now the slide? Mommy can't fit up there but hold on, come down now!! That's too high!! Okay, yes, let's play in the sand. No, that's not your truck that's the little boy's truck. Give it back, please. No hitting!! Hey, do you want a cookie? The cookies are at home. Okay, let's go home and get a cookie. Bye park!  Kiss my ass until I've had another Goodnight Moon stroke and forgotten how horrible you are.

"Why would you take your kids swimming, it's so hard?"
I mean, it takes about 3 hours to get ready for 10 minutes of fun. Except I didn't think of what else I would do to occupy a small child for 3 hours if I wasn't getting ready for swimming. Plus, no doubt some mom somewhere, sometime probably told me that children that don't learn how to swim by 6 months have an 80% chance of drowning in an inch of water and grow up to be illiterate serial killers – she must have read it in an article somewhere.

"Kids shouldn't eat crap."
How hard is it to prepare wholesome, organic, homemade meals and snacks all the time? I once threw an open bag of cheesies down the basement stairs to stop my kids from fighting like drunk white girls while I was on a really important phone call. They swarmed it like racoons and ate all the trans fat goodness silently off the floor. I stand by my actions and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

"Kids shouldn't watch too much tv."
Oh, but what's that? Children stand behind you like a 20lb footstool when you're carrying pots of boiling water, try to throw things down the toilet while you're cleaning it or take their diaper off and pee down the air vents while you're taking a shower?! Oh, too bad there isn't a magical box that played friendly pictures and sounds to distract them for a few mintues while you went poo. Wait. What?

"How hard is it to look half decent after you've had a kid?"
If I have pants on when I leave the house I consider my appearance to be completely appropriate and should therefore, not be judged. I wore glasses with one arm missing for a year-and-a-half because it broke off and I couldn't find time to fix it. I haven't been to the dentist since my second son was born and he just turned two. I finally made an appointment because I'm scared I'm going to have teeth like a 14-year old beagle if I don't smarten up.

"How hard is it to keep your cool?"
Pretty hard sometimes. I find that small children have given me a snapping threshold that would make Gordon Ramsay say "Whoa, cool it lady." Inanimate objects seem to be the main focus of my wrath because they won't be taken away from me if I really start spitting cherries (best. phrase. ever.) Instead, I find myself hulking the tabs off the effing diaper because they won't peel up, drop kicking a basket of mittens across the room because I can't find a pair that matches or swearing that if I ever find the murther furking jackhole that put 14 previews on every kid DVD, I will chant "Kali Ma" as I plunge my bare fist into their chest and pull out their still-beating heart. Breeeeeeeathe.

"I would never let my kids become my whole life."
I used to go over to my "previously cool" friend's place and think how sad it was that her house was overrun with sippy cups, Polly Pocket shoes and Dora the Explorer crap. Now I lay in my hippy bed reading Goodnight Moon until my right eye twitches and they fall asleep.  Then I look at their perfect, little faces and wonder how I ever lived without them.

If I could go back in time, I'd tell that childless woman that it's easy for her to make all these grand proclimations and impose rules on an imaginary child where she hasn't factored in love, fear or sleep depravation. Then I'd tell her stop worrying about what she will and won't do when she becomes a mother and to go take a long look at her fantastic bum in the mirror because it will soon disappear along with the all misconceptions she has about motherhood.

"Goodnight nice ass everywhere."


Want more?
Part 2 of "I never..."
Part 3 of "I sware I'll never..."
Part 4 of the "I'll never" series of awesomenesss...
And don't forget to visit the Pregnant Chicken for everything that is hilarious and bad ass about pregnancy, as well as her other posts on this subject. We love you, Amy. See you in the freezer.

xo, K & L

Share Follow MommylandRants on Twitter
 Subscribe in a reader
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. so glad I stopped by! lol I am the self-admitted Queen of the I NEVER. I'm NEVER having kids (we have 3, the Monsters 3 and 4, and the Diva 8 months) I'll never yell at my kids the way my mom did.. (HAHAHA yeah right!) I will Never let my kids fall asleep with the TV on (except if they are being really quiet and not bothering me) My kids will NEVER be disrespectful the way so and so's kids are. (the fact is that no matter how well you teach your kids, they are their own people that have minds of their own.. and they will normally do something completely disrespectful and inappropriate when as many people as possible are there to witness it)

    I really think I'm going to have to blog about all my I nevers.. and soon haha :D

  2. Best post ever (and that is saying something). Favorite? I'd never feed my child crap. Hilarious.

  3. My Mom was horribly offended when I showed her the SNL "Mom Jeans" clip. I was just trying to point out the obvious, in my own defense...

  4. I swore I would never play "kid music" and my children would grow up with a great appreciation of the music I love...none of that barney sing along crap or Disney Sings soundtrack. No, she'd listen to Weezer and love it just the same.

    ...until I saw her eyes light up and smile and clap to Ralph's World and Laurie Berkner. Now we sing all the toddler hits together, dance around like idiots and sometimes, if I'm lucky, she'll dance to My Name is Jonas. But only if she's tired of Abby's Alphabet Soup.

  5. Easy peasy.

    I swore I would never take small children on an airplane -- I would never be "that sucker" that totes seven bags of goldfish, eighteen juice boxes, three coloring books, two Leapsters and nine thousand DVDs over one arm with a mother furkin' 90 lb. car seat over the other. I would never be that woman who, after the kids have been whining relentlessly onboard for the first forty-five minutes of flight time, just puts her seat back and headphones on for the last 15. Screw it. Sorry folks. You'll live. And, you? The guy in the seat in front of my future Pele? There's a seat in the back. Stop glaring at me.

  6. Awesome, you hit the nails on the head (repeatedly). Good intimate object thing to do when you lose your cool! How about "I will never be that parent who has a screaming baby on a plane." Yeah, right....

  7. I would NEVER let my kids eat in the car. It's a choking hazard you lazy, incompetent woman! And throwing food at them? What are they pigs at a trough?

    Until the day I found myself racing down a highway late for God knows what annoying child function craning my neck back to yell at one (or two or three toddlers) and then threw a banana nut muffin at the one in the way back so she would shut.the.fuck.up. I clocked her in the forehead.

    Oh so many bonus points to me though because (1) I didn't crash the van (2) I didn't clock her hard enough to require a detour to the ER, (3) her siblings got a great laugh out of it and (4) she didn't choke but did indeed shut.the.fuck.up.

    For 32 seconds.

  8. II never understood the whole "My child laughing is the best sound in the universe" until I as making these silly sounds at my 5 month old and she started giggling for the first time. BEST. SOUND. EVER.

    I get it now :)

  9. Ha!! Nevers - I had several of the ones up there as well as these:
    I swore I'd never "Yes, dear, uh huh..." when they were trying to tell me something important to them. That was before I realized that 45 minute monologues about games they've made up are THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER and they don't stop talking about them... until five minutes later and there's a new one.

    I would NEVER put my kid on a leash - those are the saddest thing ever. Until my first learned to run immediately after walking and had a habit of ripping his hand out of ours and running straight toward the nearest hazards (preferably busy roads).
    Hubby (of the 'you whip out your boob' fame) had an old lady comment about the 'poor baby on a leash' when said baby did exactly that and instead of having to scrape up roadkill, hubby calmly reeled him in and said, "THAT is why we have the poor baby on a leash."

  10. I have nearly 5 year old twins and a 7 month old. I SWORE I would NEVER let them watch TV in the car. EVER. Then we went into a friend's minivan and she had a DVD Player in and for once the car was quiet. No screaming, no yelling "Mommy, he's touching me!" Just wonderful Silence! So this mom who said I would NEVER let my kids watch TV in the car is the proud owner of a DVD player for the car and we now watch TV for the 10 minute drive to the grocery store, this is possibly my one chance for silence all day long!

  11. I'll never get frustrated or upset when my baby cries. I mean, the poor little thing has no other means of communicating and how would I feel if I had no other means of communicating? Plus, how do you get mad at a sweet little face like that? Yeah, epic fail on that one.

  12. I said I would NEVER sound like my mother but I do and I'm really happy that I do cause now I realize what a ROCK STAR she is!!!

  13. I promised I would never force people to talk to my child on the phone...and I do. But only to family, or close friends. ha ha. And sometimes long distance, but only if I'm paying the bill!
    And I promised I would never bribe my kid. HA!

  14. These are simply lovely. I hate pretentious mothers. :)

  15. Best.Post.Ever.

    I'll never feed my kids in the car was my fav pre-child mantra...umm yup if you removed the car seats there's enough cheerios, raisins, and puffs to feed us for months were we ever trapped in the car. I could not wait unitl my youngest was old enough to toss soem puffs/cheerios back there to get him to stop screaming.

  16. I swore, I'd never let my kids eat McDonalds Chicken McNuggets. I saw the story on the news about the horrible mom that set out Chicken McNuggets for her family supper. While everyone was chomping away, she found on that was a deep fried chicken head. They even showed the special nugget on the news. I was finished. I held off for a couple of years. I would take the kids to Burger King and Wendy's, anywhere but the God forsaken McDonalds. After a year or two I finally gave in, but I still think of that news story every time I order up.

  17. Oh Amy... another great piece. :)

    My "I never"... "I'll never talk to my child like their a child." You hear that after a certain age people will start talking to your child like their an adult, so you should really do that from the get go so they're not thrown into a tizzy when they turn, like, 5 years old. You know the talk... higher voice, kid-like words, referring to yourself as Mummy all the time. Well, not only did I do that, but I now find I'm talking to adults like they're kids. When I went back to work after Baby #1 and had to explain something to someone, I starting talking to them like I would my daughter. Peer review did not go well.

    - Tracy

  18. I will NEVER spank my children -- yeah, been there done that just a few times. Not that I'm a you have to spank your children all the time, but I swear there are times when nothing else gets through to them but a good smack on the bottom.
    Also I will NEVER let my children eat Pop-Tarts for breakfast---lol, let's just say I gave that one up a long time ago. The kids are fed, so who cares?

  19. i love m. sindy felin's response. still smiling...

  20. I would never let my child sit anywhere but quietly with me at church. None of this wandering around, looking for Empty Nesters to cuddle. No standing on the bench. No need to take them out screaming every single week, because if you start really early and practice reverence, they'll know what's expected and live up to it. Yeah, right...
    I don't remember one single thing that's been said in a Sunday church service since 2004. I have not had one single Sabbath without becoming inwardly homicidal to one of God's precious children since about then too. I now pack toys, books, coloring pages, snacks, and still enlist the help of the Empty Nester with the "Magic Sunday Bag," and they STILL are totally incapable of behaving in church. I never pictured myself sitting at church, swearing in my head, but it happens. God forgive me, it happens A LOT!

  21. Oh yeah, and I will NEVER let my children watch movies. LOL, it's 8:00 in the morning and they are watching Flubber. :)

  22. Oooooh, I like the one about throwing the bag of trans-fatty goodness down the basement stairs; will have to try that!

  23. I was one of those people that hated seeing parents get short with their kids when they are trying to talk to them....3 kids later with a 4 yr old that has to tell us everything she is doing, wants to do, and doesnt really want to do....with her life, day, or in the next hour. Please for the love of god....BE QUITE! I dont give a flip what your barbie is doing and that she made your bear mad cuz she wouldnt let her ride the bus to school....WHAT? Or when the babies are sleeping she comes to me and tells me how she will marry a prince and live far far away....uh huh...sure....when is this happening so I can take a damn nap. Go eat a snack and leave me to my thoughts for 2 seconds!....I love these posts cuz it makes me feel like Im a pretty ok Mom! Im not alone out there.

  24. I love you. All of you. I am way past the toddler stage with an 11, 9 and 7 yr old.. all new kinds of fun by the way.. Our 7 yr old still crawls into bed with us on occasion.. I still bribe them with cheetos and they still believe that the best way to get my undivided attention is to talk to me through the bathroom door or walk in if its not locked. I am waaaayy past post pardom and my jeans still fit funny at times and now I use extra minutes on the Wii and texting as leverage.. Cheers to all of you with a big glass of wine at the variable hours "I call get into bed and stay there" time.

  25. I used to watch my husband's step brother play video games ALL the time. I swore my children would never watch T.V. let alone own a video game and play for HOURS on end...
    Last night I lost my schmidt and confiscated 1 Wii, 3 DS, 1 PSP, and over 30 games between them! My BIL was VERY quick a few months back to rub my "I am never" back in my face LOL! Now my oldest (10 in 2mo) is saving his money for a itouch! Hahaha! Yeah, I suck!

  26. I second the "I'll never listen to kid's music" post. "I'll never listen to kids music. My children will be into Coldplay, Jack Johnson, Dave Matthews, and other cool, baby friendly music." And they were, until our first 5 hour car drive, when our one-year-old screamed for the first hour until I put on "Fisher Price - Songs on the Go!", and her eyes glazed over to a rockin' version of The Wheels on the Bus and she dropped off to sleep to the tunes of Michael Row the Boat Ashore. I think we listened to it even after she went to sleep, in silent thanksgiving.

  27. I swore too that I would never be that mom that had nothing to talk about but her kids. Oh, whoops. I just did it again.....

    Oh, and the tv thing to occupy them. Should have remembered that last night when I was trying to get dinner together and realized it was too quiet so found my 3 yr old son trying to get something out of his nose that he had just inserted.....(ME) "oh, there's that stupid vitamin capsule I lost a couple weeks ago".....

  28. Not really an "I never" but before I had my kids I would see 3 and 4 year olds who were not yet potty trained. I always said that when I had kids they would be trained by the age of 2- 2 1/2. HAHAHAHAHA! Wrong. It's not one of those things you can control. Learned that the hard way when my 3 1/2 year old was pooping like a big person in her little diaper. My 2 1/2 year old isn't even close either. :(

  29. I swore I would never let my kids leave the house dressed in stupid looking clothes. Sadly my son spent a year dressed as a firefighter- complete with mask and air pack and my daughter spent a long time going everywhere in a princess nightgown with rubber boots!

  30. My "I'll never" was the "I'll never ignore my child when he is speaking to me -- he will always have my undivided attention so that he feels loved and important as a person". My mom was a classic "Mmm hmmmm"er while she strategically read the mail or balanced the chequebook, not hearing a word that we said (which we later learned to use to our benefit -- "But Mom, we told you and you said "mmm hmmmm"!"). So, that wasn't going to be me. No way, no how. I was going to hang on every important word that my son honoured me with imparting.

    Until I realized that a 6 year old boy can literally talk about Super Mario from 6am until 8pm without taking a breath, and even then he's calling you back into his room to tell you "just one more thing, its important!". So, yeah, I "mmm hmmmm" all the time. Life is never exactly as you imagined it would be.

  31. LOL I swore that my kid wouldn't ruin the amazing sex I was enjoying with my husband. There is no greater turn-off than spending the day with a toddler and no greater way to ruin the mood than a "hi daddy" in a wee little voice at the foot of the bed. I can't wait until she's old enough for sleepovers.

  32. Thank you. This was one of the best laughs I have had in a long time. My "never" was that my son would never have a TV in his room...3 years later he most certainly does have a TV in his room, a decision I do not all...

  33. Excellent post!
    Another - "I will never talk to my children while I am talking to another adult on the phone." Since the phrase 'I am on the phone' is apparently gibberish to anyone under twelve, I have often carried on two or three conversations at a time - but I still don't like it. I do it with the mad face and that talk to the hand gesture.

  34. Okay, first, LOVE and appreciate this post and all the comments. Second, though...I have to say that I have a 10 year old, and 15 month old twins, and so far, we keep to a pretty good schedule, only sacrificing a couple of the I never woulds (McDonalds french fries, you suck. And TV, well, you're awesome, screw the I never woulds on that one) The 10 is a step, and I have been in her life since age 2, but she's only lived in my house since age 4. When I got pg with twins, I figured, okay, if I can get these guys to age 3, I at least have some idea of what I'm doing from then on. So far, we have kept with the twins schedules, and not completely ignored the 10 year old who can dress herself, feed herself, go to the bathroom in a toilet by herself, pack her own lunch for school, etc. The fact that she can do all these things by herself, and sometimes herd one or both of the turtles for me for 10 minute is what keeps me sane, so points for me, and super rockstar kudos for those of you with kids closer in age. So, basically, because I keep a good schedule at my house, so far, most of the I never woulds are still good. Give me a couple years though, and I'm sure it'll all go down the drain! Ha ha! Thanks to Kate, Lydia, and all of you amazing guest writers and commentors. You all keep me giggling!

  35. Oh how I needed that today! You have no idea. I just might make it through the day because of this very post! :)

  36. A girlfriend of mine once told me, accompanied with her best mommy-glare, "everyone is a perfect Mom until they are one". In most cases, she was right... but maybe she should have picked a different example than succumbing, yet again, to her rotten (I say that with love) little boy and his fifth tantrum of the day. Four years later, I'm a Mom, that was still good advice, and for the record; her son is still rotten. Still, though, good advice.

  37. This whole post just made me feel lots better about myself.
    Thank you.

  38. I had so many nevers there are too many to post. However, I will tell anyone that will listen (especially my kids while they are strapped into their car seats- a captive audience) that I was the perfect mom before I had kids.

  39. Oh god, these are so, so true!

  40. "I will never bribe/threaten my kid." Last night I offered him $5 to find a missing Wii game that needs to go back to GameFly. He did. This morning I threatened to take the $5 back if he didn't get out of bed RIGHT THIS MINUTE. Because it works, and sometimes just working is enough. :P

  41. I swore my kids would never eat in the car. One day we were late, all the kids were crowded in the car and starving (grocery shopping was on the list of errands). We stopped to get gas, went in and bought popcorn chicken and jojos. I was unable to trust the starving masses to pass out the food fairly, so at one point I was throwing greasy fried food through the car to the youngest child who was in our beloved "third row seat". My husband just looked at me and said, "So we weren't going to let them eat in the car?" On the bright side, after owning the car for three years now I am certain we could crash into a ravine out of sight on a country road, be trapped for a week and the whole family could survive on the crumbs caught in cupholders, seatbelt pockets and seat cushions!

  42. I swore, up and down, to anyone who'd listen that I'd NEVER put a leash on my child. I made relentless fun of children on leashes, and of their parents, who were clearly too lazy to just keep a hand on them, pop them in a baby carrier or strap them in a stroller.

    Then I had a child. Who likes to wander off. Not run mind you. Just slowly, quietly, when you think she's behaving, just wander away. So, she wore a leash. Yes, it was one of those cute doggie backpack ones, but a leash nonetheless. And yep, her new little sister will no doubt wear it when she's walking too. Because I'm that lazy mom now.

    I also swore I'd NEVER sniff a bum to check the status of a diaper. It looks horrible, it's horrifying, and just tacky, right? The first time a mama sticks her finger in because she's pretty sure it's "just wet" and pulls out a poop covered finger is the last time. And thus, another bum sniffing mama is born. Yep, I'm a bum sniffer, and I'm cool with it.

  43. Love it!!! I identify with all of this! Y'all really need to see Facebook gift app: Gift Parents won't Appreciate. You can send someone a pair of mom jeans, and I changed my Goodnight Moon gift's name in your honor, Lydia. Thanks for the fun post!! (Oh, I couldn't believe when I heard these words come out of my mouth: "Just wait until your father comes home!!" Yikes!! I actually said that?!?!?! I told that to my husband later and he said "What the hell would I do?"

  44. There are too many "I would never"s to list. I simply say that I was a GREAT parent before I had kids :)

  45. I would throw a shoe at the dumb 20-something me who proclaimed she would never travel on airplanes with small children. Yup, b/c Grandma and Grandpa and every other relative who lives 850 miles away or more (which is, well, all of them, b/c my husband and I have isolated ourselves on the east coast) would keep very quiet about never seeing the grandkids. And super-long car trips with multiple small kids are such joys, right?

  46. Brilliant(comments included)! Nuff said...

  47. I laughed out loud reading through this post and all of the comments too! Love it!!! Food in the car was one that I thought I would never do, and just like some other posters pointed out, crumbes, cookies, cheerios (and those damn McDonalds fries!) hidden in every nook and cranny of the car could feed our family for a month.

    I also swore my son would not have a pacifier hanging out of this mouth past the age of one...yeah, guess who's 19 months and still holds on to his paci for dear life...

    The bum sniffing is a given. I don't think I ever thought I wouldn't sniff, I just never thought of the logistics of checking and the possibility of having a poo-covered finger...until it happened, and now bum sniffing seems like the most natural thing in the world.

    I used to think Elmo was weird and creepy and that I would NEVER buy anything Elmo, yeah right....

  48. "Goodnight Moon stroke" will TOTALLY have one of those someday!

  49. I never wanted to say "I guess I can't have anything nice". My mother said it and when she did my insides turned with the sheer assininess of that comment. Yep, I've said it.

  50. I swore I would NEVER my husband DADDY - now I get it (teaching Daddy kid empathy)
    ...let kids sleep with us - now I get it (2am is NOT the time to rationalize with a scared kid)
    ...tell my kids to SHUT UP - now I get it (I am a horrible person, and I am working on that)
    ...turn a blind eye when Thing1 smacks Thing2 - now I get it (primate justice)
    ...give my kids juice - well, I'm pretty good there.

    Thanks for the grins, and the reality check :)

  51. Love this post!!!

    Mine --

    "I'll never leave my children unsupervised while I sleep like that terrible mother (my sister) does..."

    Um yeah....they sometimes eat breakfast bars and watch PBS until they can convince me to get up....

  52. My kids will NEVER throw a tantrum in public! another variation of this is: I will NEVER yell at my kids in public.

    um, yeah

    My kids will NEVER be loud and disturb people when I take them to a restaurant.


    My son will NEVER own a toy gun!

    he made a gun out of Legos when he was barely 2 years old - so much for that!

    My under 10 kids will NEVER watch a PG-13 movie.

    OH look, the new Harry Potter movie is rated PG-13 - let's go kids!

  53. LOL Love this! I can relate all too well.

    My favorite "I'll never" was I'll never let my baby "cry it out"

    That is, until I had a baby with colic and realized holding him/rocking him/etc. will not stop the crying and for my own sanity and my other children's well-being I have to put him down and its ok I'M NOT A BAD MOM.

  54. I would never hit my child. That was the law to me until one day my two daughters where fighting in the backseat screaming,"She's hitting me, she's hitting me", when I just lost it. I grabbed a vent brush and while driving I was trying to hit whatever I could in the back seat to make them stop. It was kind of like that kids game where is the animal pops up then I hit gold. My girls to this day will not let me live this "Mommie Dearest" moment down!

  55. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this post!!!!!! My biggest "I never...." was actually carried out through my firstborn's toddler hood. I was always horrified by the parents with their kids on leashes. I was deeply offended when the mother of a friend bought me my very own kid leash as a shower gift.....and then came baby number 2!!!! Gone were the days of strolling through the airport/park/museum/zoo etc with my darling little girl staying right next to me. Now I was chasing a screaming toddler through said venue trying desperately to catch him before he shot out into traffic or was abducted. So, child 2 and 3 wore those cute little fuzzy backpack leashes, while I got back to strolling...and I learned to glare back at the jackholes that thought I was treating my children like least they are alive and still with me!!!!!!

  56. I was NEVER going to let my child in public with dirty clothes or food on her face. That worked pretty good for awhile and then I had twins two weeks after my daughter turned 2. If she has clothes on I feel like we are doing good. There is no way I'm going to change the clothes of 3 bodies everytime they get something on it. We would be going through 15 outfits a day at that rate. Randy visits my house too. I should at least wipe my 2 year olds face off, but sadly she occasionally wakes up with food from the day before still on her face (although daddy is the more likely culprit with that one).

  57. "I'll never let my kids watch crap on TV!" What do they watch now? Spongebob videos. All the time. Nonstop. They don't actually watch any other tv BUT Spongebob.
    However, dinner gets made, laundry gets done (and even put away sometimes, so SUCK IT RANDY!) cat litter gets changed and mommy gets computer time. Yay Spongebob!

  58. I have too many Mommy friends and family members to say "I never..." But I do hope to not rot my toddlers' new teeth. I know someone who did that. Eeewww. Gross till they fell out.

  59. Love it!! Here ya go. I'll never bribe my kids with lollipops at 9am just so they will sit in the stroller so I can try to get a workout in so my ass is sagging to the floor at 35!

  60. I'd never... be inconsistent or let them negotiate with me once I had declared a consequence or something along those lines.

    Like today when we went to the store and 5 year old Frick says, "Mom can we get a cookie?" "No." "Can we get a drink from Starbucks?" "No. We're not having more treats right now." (2 minutes later.) "Pleeeeease can we get a drink?" "OK, fine."

    I "never" give "one more chance" 3 times, either.

    I "never" let my kids watch PBS Kids and eat their breakfast.

    I "never" forget to schedule doctor appointments or dental appointments for months.

    I "always" make them brush their teeth before bed.

    Oh and our family meal times at the table are just delightful! When Frick isn't running the conversation "raving" about how "delicious" the food is, 2 year old Frack is "sitting contentedly" eating his food, not doing anything barbaric, unsanitary or provoking to his older brother.

    Yep, that's how I roll.

  61. I have to say I was lucky enough to have never expected much from my life with my children but to live it as it comes... but we do eat what we eat... but I add on to it with simple things I know they'll eat. But I miss peeing by myself... I understand the lack of inner calm and that snapping has becoming part of my daily routine. Ohhh and TV, imagine having 2 toddlers in your house at once... TV saved my life, I am litterate and finished school... my parents used TV too.

  62. I just have to say, I am totally and utterly relieved that I'm not the only mom who hates the park! Loved the whole post, but that one especially made me feel better about my park aversion. Thanks!

  63. ohmygosh! This is AWESOME
    I never would have kids in my bed....3 yr old just got the boot after a move 2 wks ago. I would never let my kid cry it out-then I never had time for myself till 11....ha ha See ya "I never!" I would never let my kids have candy, except special occasions. My kids would always be bathed, teeth brushed, read to and lovingly tucked into bed....then I realized the world will not end. I would never lose my patience....then I had a step-daughter...and now a 3yr old. I am a single mom, working FT and attending school. I LOVE my kids, completely crazy about them-but when all I do is field questions and hear mom mom mom mom in the little time I get....I want to pull my hair out. I would never wear mommy jeans or shorts...then I went to find shorts for work and they are, indeed, mommy shorts. Saggy ass effects and all.
    I HATED those leashes, thought people were treating their kids like pets-and some do, yanking them around and such. Then I had my son, who was extremely scared to go far from I used a leash as a way to comfort him that I was near and get him to walk a food away from me! yay!!! Then his little sister came along...with a mind of her own and an adventurous little spirit who screams when the leash is put on. But runs into the road otherwise. I now own two leashes. Go figure. My kids are the cute ones with food on their clothes, my daughters hair is unruly and almost always in her eyes and their carseats need a washing within a week of being purchased, eat more junk than I like (part of that is due to the chaos that is our life and I hate it). But they are happy, healthy and we're all learning. :)
    I could go on and it makes me laugh and I am careful to never say "I would never" ha ha ha Ya right, it still happens-just not as often

  64. LMAO about the previews on kids DVDs... I stand there skipping them one at a time as my son shrieks "no mommy! I no want that one"


  65. In the olden days kids were occupied in the fields during the day. If they whined about being bored, mom gave them a hoe and sent them out to the back 40. It's the reason they survived to produce the next generation.

    Now we live in suburbia. We have no back 40. Television was given to us by [insert the name of your deity here] so our children would live beyond the terrible twos and the fricking fours to produce our grandchildren.

    That's why I have five in my house (TV's. Not children.)

  66. I never would bribe a child to get potty trained - that's just the way it is - stop popping and peeing in your diaper... just get potty trained. 3 years later... ice cream every time you poop and Disney World when you are completed trained.

    I would NEVER fly with a child in first class. My first year, she flew with me for my job....she flew 13 times in her first year. With all those miles, you bet your ass momma wants to stretch out a little. What are you looking at? She has more miles than you - she deserves to be up here too! Actually, she didn't ever cry in first class... I think it was because I was less stressed with more room to maneuver the car seat.

    I would NEVER nurse in public. It's gross - get one of those blankets to cover your breast (that I cannot really see - just imagine) up! Breasts are purely sexual! What? Your kid throws that cover off of them? Well....they are littler than you - wrap them up!

  67. Food in the car...

    I looked up at the overhead lamp in my car this fall and it seemed to be very dim for some reason. Upon closer inspection, I realized it was stuffed full of Pep. Farm Goldfish. (We live in the woods. Mice in the garage are normal.) A mouse, recognizing a steady and plentiful food source had moved into my car and was using my overhead lamp for storage.

    Oddly, I felt no shame. Just thought "great, now I don't have to clean them up."

  68. what about saying "because i said so" in just utter frustration when you have told her no 10 times and given her only two reasons why not those 10 times.

  69. I was NEVER going to get a portable DVD player for the car. I used to think that parents should just learn to talk to their child for heaven's sake; think up some games and stop being so lazy. Yeah, then I started driving 4 hours every month with my 2 year old and sometimes there are not enough games in the world! That DVD player gives me a blessed, blessed hour (okay, maybe two) of silence from the backseat. And oh yes, he's eating snacks WHILE watching TV. I am a spectacular mother (that was meant sarcstically but in fact I am, those 2 hours and snacks meant that kid saw his great grandmother every month until the day she died).

  70. In no particular order:
    DVD player in car, check.
    Eating in car, check.
    Left the house with dirty face, check.
    Wondering how clothes that were clean got dirty during five minute walk to school, check.
    Spongebob, check.
    Yelling, check.
    Cereal for dinner, check.
    DVD at bedtime, check.
    Bribery, check.
    Pacifier at 'til age three, check.
    Diapers 'til age three, check.
    Breastfeeding in public, check.
    Sleeping in mommy's bed, check.
    Saying, "Mmm hmmm," to everything, check.
    Mommy jeans, check.
    "One more chance" three times, check.
    Kid music in car, check.
    Yikes! However...
    Healthy? Check!
    Happy? Check!
    Loved? Check! Check! Check!

  71. How about spit-shining your child's face? I used to hate when my Mom would lick her finger to get stuff off our my wife scolds me when I do it. Worse, she won't let me do it to her!

    For the Dads: I don't know how many pre-Dads I know say "no, life isn't going to change for me". Here's a list of my non-changes:
    --packed up my workshop in 1998, haven't unpacked it since. Never got to use that spankin' new Rigid planer...but the day will come.
    --haven't been to the gym in 9 years. My six-pack is now padded protection for my netherparts in case of a full frontal attack.
    --used to own a lawn-mowing business as a kid. Easiest thing in the world. Now, due to finger-chewing issues, I have not owned a lawnmower since our first child in 1999. Also have not been on the roof or in the crawlspace in nearly as many years (not really complaining about that one).
    --I don't know what a deck of cards, a cigar, or a bottle of Scotch look like anymore.
    --I don't watch TV, can't tell you who is in the NCAA or Superbowl or World Series, and at this point I couldn't care less.
    --I can still occasionally point out and name a nice car for the kids while I sit in the driver's seat of our 15 passenger extended conversion van. I used to say 'someday Daddy is going to drive a car like that'. Now I don't bother, 'cuz I know they don't make 11-seater Lambourghini's.

  72. I would never shove a plug in my baby's mouth just because they are crying and I am too lazy to figure out what is wrong!
    What? It turns out what is wrong is they need to self soothe by sucking? And, I suck? Great.

  73. I swore I would never give the quick response of "Because I said so" Instead I would have a good reason if I had the need to deny them something. But after years of thier thinking they could come up with a solution to my reason, "Because I said so has become a common response and now I add and when you become a parent you can make the rules, but I had paid my dues and it is now my turn!!!!!

  74. Mine isn't so much an "I never..." as it is an "I know..."

    Before I had kids -- actually, that's not true. Until I had my fourth (and final and only male) child, I *knew* that girls and boys were no different. I went so far as to tell my sisters-in-law (parents of boys) this gem. Loudly. And often.

    The first time my son chewed his grilled cheese sandwich into a gun and pshew-pshewed his sister, I picked up the phone and called the SILs to apologize.

  75. I swore I'd never buy ridiculous Nickelodeon or Disney-themed paraphernalia, clothes, and/or decorations for the kids rooms. It's tacky and cheap.

    Why the hell is that all they ever want? It'd be easier to stick to my guns if their eyes didn't light up so brightly when they saw it in the store!

  76. I would (in the most disdainful and judgmental tone I could use) declare that if the child was old enough to ask, or God forbid, 'self-serve' they were too old to be nursed!
    Now I am the mother of a 2-year old, who tells the whole bank that she needs to "dink mommy'ss boobeess" because it's naptime, and pull out my shirt collar and declare at the DMV "Nice boobeess, mommy! Nice boobeess! I want to suck on them? Nomnom."

  77. Never thought I'd use Santa as a threat. Now "What would SANTA think of that behavior, young lady??!!!" is regularly trotted out from Oct 1 through December.

  78. I will never let my child watch Dora, because I can't stand it. Well guess what? Dora buys me 20 minutes of peace, so I now welcome her and her backpack in to my living room at least a couple of times a day.

    I will never put my kid on a leash. Unless it turns out that I have two children 13 months apart, which means two toddlers who need containing in situations that don't always allow for a giant double stroller. And unless said leashes are disguised as cute monkey backpacks so the kids think they are fun.

  79. Hilarious postings, everyone! I think the one that is at the top of my list is "never take my child to a restaurant if he/she can't behave." Well, my toddler daughter would sit under the table most of the time (who knows what she ate under there?), ran around greeting other diners, hung over the back of the booth to chat with people in the next booth, etc. I learned really quickly to take her to kid-friendly places only (e.g., McDonalds) and just forget about going out to dinner where you look down at the menu instead of up. :-)

  80. Video games. I swore my kids would never play video games. Now I say, "Can I help you turn on the next one? How 'bout this one? It takes only 45 hours to win after you've mastered it!"

  81. Public Potty talk. It would disgust me to no end to hear parents talking about their childs potty whoos', until I became a mother myself. I now tell any parent within my vicinity: who are potty training, how my son went 12 days without having a bowel movement because he was afraid to poop in the potty and didn't want to mess his pants. On the twelth day my son finally relieved himself on the sidewalk of our towns public pool. Honestly it was the largest shit I have ever seen someone take, it could of come from a grown man.

  82. Best post ever!!! I can't add anything to the list above me because I could repeat each and every one of them as my own!

    First time on your blog and I am so bookmarking this to read on my phone next time I lock myself in the bathroom to escape the kids.

  83. Clean my child's face with my spit?!? Nevah! (circa 2006)

    Done it.

    This is the best laugh I've had in ages and much needed. Thank you!

  84. I would never throw a character theme birthday party because I thought that were so cheesy lamo...until my first born fell in love with Sesame Street (2nd birthday party), then Yo Gabba Gabba (3rd birthday party), Princesses (4th birthday party), and is already planning her 5th birthday party theme...drum roll please...DORA! Oh, and let's not forget to add that my second born is already asking for Blues Clues for her second birthday in November. Yeah, never say never! I will be planning those cheesy character themed parties until they go off to college ;o)

  85. Thank you MommyLand and thank you Sindy Felin! I actually had tears rolling down my face on yours! I was laughing so hard that my DS3, with an obviously stinky bottom, piped up to ask me what I was laughing about.

    BTW, not only is he still wearing diapers at 3, he's still wearing his stinky diaper at 7:28 am. I have 2 more minutes of me-time, so sue me, he'll survive in that diaper until then! =)

  86. "Dinky mommy's boobies." I LOVE IT!!!!

    A month or so before my son was born I told someone that he wasn't going to need any music or white noise to fall asleep. He was just going to fall asleep on his own in his own bed, and he was going to get used to it....umm....Well, that didn't last too long. I guess it never occurred to me to wonder what was going to happen if he didn't fall asleep that way.

  87. Oh my, my, badly I needed to read this.

    Where do I start? With the all-natural humming and chanting, deep breathing, calm, beautiful hypno-water-birth I was going to have (coked out of my mother-plucking tree within three hours of admitting, and a c-sect 9 hours later.) However, my biggest "I never's" are all about feeding, being a Registered Nutritionist myself. "My children will NEVER touch formula - what a cop-out!" What's that saying? "Want to make God laugh; make plans." Yup. My mom (my BFF) passed away three weeks after my first was delivered. I never had a good latch to begin with, but stress killed off whatever milk I had left.

    Now that she's a year, and eating solids, "I will never feed her those mass-produced, sugar- and trans-fat laden cookies; she will never drink juice; and forget all the common allergens like wheat, corn, dairy! I will personally grow the food she will eat in my gardens, I will gently steam it, then season with organic herbs, before a rare Indonesian butterfly blesses the meal by alighting on the edge of the plate, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.... what's that? You're screaming again! Here: shove a Heinz cereal buscuit into your yap, kid. And here's some apple juice from concentrate to wash it down.

    Or my fiance's favourite: we will NOT use disposable diapers past the meconium stage. I now have a beautiful collection of cloth diapers I never use. Because it's hard enough to remember to haul the 15 bags of assorted baby crap back out of the car, let alone remember to hunt down the wet diaper bag - and then remember to wash them in a timely manner before there's an extra scummy layer in the wet pail, and a stench that would peel the paint off a warship.

    So thank you, Pregnant Chicken, and thank you Facebook for helping me find this, but most of all, thanks to you moms everywhere. I can now crawl into the sliver of space left between my snoring fiance and our sprawling daughter to catch a couple of hours of guilt-free bliss before the next feed. I'll raise my double espresso to you all in salute at the buttcrack of dawn tomorrow while DJ Lance Rock's clip-cloppy shoes herald the start of another day filled with copious amounts of drool, tears, temper tantrums, and "No, mommy can't pick you up right now's". Best job in the world.

  88. I would never "count to 3"... man it works like a charm on my 18 month old son who loves to run off and NOT come back!

  89. "I'll never allow my child to play video games until they're old enough to get a job and buy their own gaming system." He (5.5 years old) now has his own GBA, several computer games (plus plays online kids' games) and a few Wii games. (And no, he doesn't have a job lol)

    "I'll never send my child to school, I'll homeschool until he goes to college." I did not shed one single tear of sadness on his first day of school. I was SO happy. Thankfully he has a wonderful school with great teachers.

    "I'll never get mad at my baby, how could anyone lose their temper at a harmless infant?"
    A few weeks into colic, I got it when I had to shove him into my husband's arms and go in the shower to drown out the screaming so I wouldn't harm him.

  90. I AM CRYING laughing! If I'd known it was even a possibility, I would've said, "I will never poop while nursing a baby."...too late. Also...said I'd never say "Just wait until your father gets home!"...that is until I was standing outside chatting with a neighbor when a white naked streak runs by and the next thing I know, I hear clanging, only to discover that my son is BEATING the car with a fire poker.

  91. more. Once at the doctors office, a mom brought her boy in with a giant rat's nest/bed head. Swore I'd never let my son out of the house like that.'s hard to comb out!...and when you use water to smooth it out, there's something even more repulsive about it.

  92. I swore I would NEVER creep around the house after putting the kids to bed. No, those little blighters were going to learn how to sleep through normal household noise and that's that. Yeaaaaah, NO! I just nearly choked to death trying not to laugh too loud reading this post!!! Epic tears running down my face...thanks! It had been a rough week and this was JUST what the Momma ordered!

  93. Oh, I know a lot of people say this, but I swore upside down and sideways that I would NEVER let my kids get into merchandized (is that a word?) toys. Ever. I have thus far (for 2 1/2 years) managed to keep Barney out of our lives, and Elmo is just that little dude on Sesame Street, but holy cow! Are we ever a Thomas home! Everything Thomas. Thomas Thomas Thomas. And I am the guilty party for encouraging it! I won't tell you how much Thomas crap Santa is bringing, because it is ONLY October and I am already mortified! Sigh...They're two they're four they're six they're eight, shunting trucks and hauling and green and brown and blue, they're the really useful crew!

  94. Don't know if anyone has already said this but

    I will NEVER put my under two year old on the phone to talk to family or friends. Years of speaking to other people's toddlers on the phone and hearing stony silence or the odd gurgle (whilst mummy in the background says "say hello to Auntie..say hello, SAY HELLO!!", I promised myself I would never do it..

    Maybe it's payback, I don't know and I know little baby man gets a kick out of listening to people burbling on to him whilst mummy goes and does something more interesting..

  95. I'm still rolling in loud laughter! OMG! This is all true! I wanted children but I had to wait on my miracle... But I was in the ideology that "x" would never happen to me... Ummm yeah now I sit quietly in my corner & eat my crow pie piece by piece ;D My biggest "I'll never" came to light when I found myself eating my snack (aka lunch) on the toilet, texting & FB'ing ... & using toilet paper off the floor with my kid banging at the 11 mo (walking) banging at the door just to get a few things for ME squeezed into my day!!

  96. I LOVE this! My son is almost 2 years old now. I was the mom who said:
    I will NEVER let my son sleep with me...haha that didn't work out so well
    I will NEVER let my child watch too much tv...well how much is too much anyway? We watch movies daily, it's not THAT bad.
    I will NEVER swear in front of my child...who was I kidding? I drop things on my feet, trip over toys...saying Fudge really doesn't cut it.

    Those are just a few...I love this blog!

  97. I would never let my children watch these new and horrible cartoons on TV that have horrible disgusting advertising every 5 mins. They will only watch DVD's I personally watch and approved for them.
    Yeah... Watch me try to turn down the volume on sponge bob while trying not to get hit with those stupid bean bag things that they have somehow marketed to my child as the most amazing invention ever and trying not to trip on my daughters fugly lally cally shoes!

  98. I would never lose my nut and threaten to cancel Easter (and the bunny's visit) because a new shirt was ruined within the first ten minutes of wearing. Nope, I would never do that.

  99. I would never tell my kids, "Because I said so!" That wasn't a real reason when my parents used it on me and it's still not a real reason when I say it to my kids. BUT...sometimes there is NO other reason than "Because I said so!"

    I would never get my kids to eat by saying that "There are starving kids in China!" Actually, I don't...we use Africa and Haiti...hey, it's true!

  100. I am laughing so hard, I have tears!! Thank you for this, I SOO needed it after dealing with a sick baby.

    I swore I would never "tip toe" around my house, and now that I have a light sleeper, and by light sleeper I mean she would wake up at the sound of an ant farting, I have perfected my ninja skills. But, I swear to God, that every single floor board in my house cracks, so I find myself tip toeing out of her room when she goes down for a nap. I swear it's like firecrackers going off! And to top that, one of my many signs of aging is a cracking knee, ankle, toe, name it. That ALSO wakes her up. If only I could be like the Tin Man and oil myself so that I didn't crack. By the way, she gets the light sleeping thing from her father. I want to have earplugs surgically implanted into their ears!!

    And, I swore I'd never let the baby change my relationship with my dog. Yeah. Right. Now that he is completely neglected (and by neglected, I mean that he sleeps in the bed with me, eats hamburgers for lunch and eggs for breakfast and filet for dinner, AND wont eat his very expensive dog food, has millions of toys and gets plenty of exercise) I have discovered that he is sneaking snacks from my baby...yes, she hands them to him and he's like "well, don't mind if I do". He is also on permanent clean up duty, so anytime anything is dropped, he is right there to pick it up like a vacuum. He has DESTROYED many of her toys, and why do they make plush DOG toys anyway. I can totally see why he's confused. He is also on CONSTANT guard of the house, now that he has another person to protect, he barks at every single little thing. SO... I find myself wanting to have his vocal cords surgically removed, his ears cut so that he can't shake his head and do the extremely loud "ear flap" AND I would like to do away with his claws so that he can't click around the house, waking everybody up!

    And, I swore that I would sanitize anything and everything before my baby touched it; so unless Lysol starts making a belt holster that holds a tiny can, THIS will never happen as well. She's lucky if I wipe down the public changing station. IF some people weren't totally disgusting and didn't leave their own baby's sh*t ON the table, I probably wouldn't sanitize it, but the fact remains, that people really are gross and disgusting human beings and treat public restrooms like a chimp treats his habitat... and yes, sometimes I think people sling poo everywhere too.

    And... I swore that I'd never brag about my baby, but the fact remains that she is a genius. She INVENTED your baby can read. :) So, with every new development, or sound or discovery, I am boasting about my little prodigy, REALLY hoping that she's smart when she gets older or this will all come back to bite me in the ass.

  101. I love this post and all the comments!! I swore I would "never" give up my clothing style, or wear SWEATPANTS (gasp) in public when I became a mom. This statement made when I was 18 and shopping in thrift stores looking for cool vintage clothes with my Doc Martens on. Fast forward 15 years and 2 kids later and I drop off my kids at school in my jammies, and I LOVE MY SWEATPANTS! I would wear them to work if I could!
    I can totally relate to the "yes dear uh huh, yes I'm listening" thing, my daughter can take 45 MINUTES to tell me about the dream she had last night, or what her special power would be if she were a super-hero... I love her imagination, there just aren't enough hours in the day for her to tell me EVERYTHING! Bless my mom's heart, I used to think she was rude for not listening to I know she was trying to have a coherent grown-up thought of her own:)

  102. Am I the only non-parent who thinks kid leashes are a great idea? (really, so much can go wrong in just a second!) LOVE the blog and the comments!

  103. I would never put my kid on a leash! -- Oh wait. I did that. [Mardi Gras 2004.]

  104. I am a new mommy...I have one six month old boy (new to the blog thing too after a melt down sent me hysterically calling Mommy friend, B...she recommended this site--THANK YOU B!) and I swore that I would NEVER tip-toe around and be all crazy quite while MY children were sleeping! They are gonna have to get used to noise sooner or later, right? It will only make them a better sleeper, right? Then they can just sleep anywhere, during anything? Isn't that how it goes? HA! Six months of not sleeping a wink will teach the person who didn't put their ringer on vibrate after the baby went down to do so immediately since I just bit their head off...AND threw there phone straight out the window...WHAT?!? You didn't have an insurance plan? Who does that anyway?

  105. OMG! This: "swearing that if I ever find the murther furking jackhole that put 14 previews on every kid DVD, I will chant "Kali Ma" as I plunge my bare fist into their chest and pull out their still-beating heart."
    Is my biggest pet peeve. I swear I have a fecking coronary every time I have to put on a movie with frantic three-year old screaming in teh background. Clearly the makers of childrens DVDs do not actually have children of their own.

  106. We have 4 kids....FOUR...four??? 13, 7, 5, and 4. When the 13 year old was 6 , and we had our 7 year old things were nice, the house was clean, THEY were clean...then... the 3rd child was born. with reflux. and I mean projectile vomit every.single.fricking. time he ate. at 2 days old he puked from one end of our brand new couch to the other. and when he wasn't puking he was screaming... i expected two things 1) a divorce because sleep deprived puke ladden people do NOT get along and 2) for that precious bundle of joy's head to spin around like the girl in the exorcist. then number 4 came...she screamed for 14 months straight, ear infections. and no she didnt "tug" at her ear...she got raging 104.5 temps out of nowhere. so now my house is a wreck, it smells like dirt and cabbage, its after 12 noon and we haven't even gotten dressed yet, much less bathed. and i "think" my kids brushed their teeth last night. surely they did...there's toothpaste all over the bathroom counter... repeat after me...children are a gift. children are a gift. God knew what he was doing..they don't have tags and we don't get a reciept so we can't return them LOL

  107. And just like that you have gained another follower.... I'm laughing so hard, but trying to stifle it cause I don't want to wake up the beasts err I mean Children. Instead I'm just snorting.

  108. Thank you so much,
    That was the BEST post I have read in ages!! I am killing myself laughing!!

    You are my newest hero!!!

  109. i swore i wouldn't waste my money on a zillion plastic toys. but a new toy means more entertainment for mom. and maybe it will help his fine motor skills? or at least keep him awake in the car ride home so nap time still happens

  110. New here. I loved this post. LOVED it.
    Now, my only I never is "I never say 'I Never.'" Everyone's situation is different. Every child is different.
    I've done the No Added Sugar diet, I've breastfed 5 babies including preemie twins and all 5 to some extent or another have co-slept. I now have 3 in their beds and 2 still co-sleeping. The 14 month old is in a crib. The 3.5 year old twins still co-sleep. Can't break them of it. I've thrown an econo-sized box of goldfish into the playroom to get through a phone call. I have baby worn. I now have a stroller and 2 leashes. I cloth diapered with the twins. I now happily use Pampers. I did the "No meds, hollistic/diet" approach to ADHD. For years. I now administer Focalin daily. I have 5 and I still don't feel like an "expert." Ironically, I was convinced I was an expert after the first two. Then I had twins. Then I got pg with SURPISE! baby#5 when twins were just over a year old. Now, I know better. Now, when another mother with one perfect child in her older teens told me, "I don't believe ADHD really exists." I smiled & thought, "Ignorance is bliss." When younger mothers, or mothers of 2 or less, or mothers who just have a different experience then I've had give me their "I Nevers" I just smile and say, "Good for you." "I Never say I Never." "The choking fits when I have to eat my own words are a B."

  111. LOVE IT! Like many others, I cried, this was so funny! My fav comment was the "I'll never poop while breastfeeding!!" Yep, I too have tried to breastfeed whilst on the toilet!! Before (or very shortly after) my first child was born, I actually listened to all the "expert" advise, about pacifiers being horrible (why, again?), never breastfeeding your baby to sleep, or (the opposite school of thought) never letting baby cry to sleep, etc., etc. I do all that stuff! And better yet, I care SO MUCH LESS about what other people think I should do! I teach a college bio class and somehow those kid-leashes came up. ALL the college kids said how horrible they are, how you need to discipline your kids to stay with you instead, yada, yada. I was the only one who (though I don't have one... probably just because I don't know where to buy one) thinks they're great! Better your kid is safe with you than lost or hurt because of natural curiosity!

  112. Oh jeez, don't get me started on the whole "sleeping" the mom of a daughter who NEVER slept (she took 3 30 minute naps a day when she was 6 months old!), I soon realized that we would do whatever it took to get a decent night's sleep. Ferber? Tried that, she threw up after 1 hour of continuous crying (and I wasn't far behind). "Getting her on a routine" (my MIL's favorite phrase)? Tried that, but I'm not good with schedules & apparently neither is she.

    She didn't sleep thru the night on a regular basis til she was 5, but she's the sweetest, most adorable child I could've ever asked for. Now, excuse me, I need a nap...

  113. I am laughing so hard I started to CRY!

    Thanks I really needed to read that post today, since I was minutes fromlosing it!!

    Thankfully, Another Mom who now gets it :)

  114. i'm with christine. laughing so hard i'm crying. this is hilarious. and so so so true.

  115. "fighting like drunk white girls." HILARIOUS. I've been known to throw a bag of Cheetos at my soon-to-be-3-yr-old just to get five minutes of silence.

  116. I wasn't going to be the mom that used the pacifier as a mute button.

    HA! That worked for, well, two days. One word: Colic.

    Now we have paci's for every outfit, I have ten in the freaking diaper bag, and the second she starts being a little brat I throw one at her.

    Yep, I'm the mute button momma.

  117. I'll never use a guilt trip like my mom did...Yeah, I found I was as good at it as my mom was. Also, I'll never use the electronic babysitter (TV)...done from the time we first owned one, I'll never label my kids, and I'll never compare my kids. Hmmm, yeah, right.

    Now my kids are adults and teens. My kids will never get a speeding ticket or get in an accident. They will never ever wear energizer bunny ears in the grocery store...when they are 16...Yep, they are real people just like me.

  118. I'll never let my kids eat on the furniture. Yeah, right. Now I find graham crackers in the laundry hamper, in the toy box, and we've even WATCHED our daughter literally grind them into the couch!

    And did you know that day-old bell pepper chunks are still COLD AND WET when you find them in the carpet with your feet?!

  119. I can't remember what I said I would never do...I feel good if I remember to brush my teeth once a day. I, too, am wearing a one-armed pair of glasses (but I wear my contacts if I'm going out) because I haven't had a chance to get to the eye doctor for a check-up because of course it's been more than a year and I can't just use the old prescription. And I've got you beat on the dentist appt. but I won't say how long on the internet because...TMI. I just cleaned my car out (my mom wanted hand sanitizer just from riding around in it) (my brother said it was like a giant science experiment) and discovered that there was more food in there than in our fridge. Yeah, you just never can say what it will be like until you experience it. :)

  120. Right after I laughed my ass off at this, my friend posted a link to this blog....
    I swore that *my toddler* would never ride in a stroller when he was perfectly capable of walking. Well he does most of the time, but those days when we go to the zoo or make the walk down to the farmer's market, the stroller comes too. Hell if I'm carrying produce and a whiny, hot 30-pounder back home.

  121. This is so good! I was the best Mother in the world - Before I had children!

    I always said I wouldn't let him eat in his lovely pushchair .... gets to 18 months old that is the only place I can get him to sit still long enough to eat! Oh well it all comes out in the wash!

  122. I can't even begin to describe how true all of this is! I'm gonna follow, and I'm gonna shout you out on my blog as well.

  123. I was just sent here via the Brunette Foodie, and I'm already wanting to get to second base with this post (in the platonic, "this is a post full of awesome" sense, of course). Well played.

  124. Guess what? I am Mom of five. Last month the baby turned 18 YEARS, in August the oldest will be 26 YEARS. I also ran a family day care in my home for 10 years, while mine were coming into the world. Then, I helped out a Mom with triplets 10 years ago, for 4 hours once a week, just because I still wanted more of my own, but would not be doing so. Anyway, the cool thing is you do all this stuff you didn't think you would do, they just keep growing up, and suddenly they are GONE. The best part is, your brain pulls a trick and you start to forget stuff and you begin to remember it all as if you really didn't make mistakes. I cannot believe half the stuff my kids like to remember, to which I can only gasp, "Oh, no, I couldn't have said/done that!" or "Oh, you must be remembering that wrong." or "Remember, that is your perspective as a child, I remember it this way..." Oh, I have my regrets, that is for sure. There are hurts that come from hindsight that haunt me because NOW I realize I could have made a better choice. But, in the end, my children are doing well and still talk to me and even called me on Mother's Day and/or sent me something. Hang in there ladies! It all goes by too quickly. Never lose that sense of humor either. Laughter really is the best medicine. It keeps you from true insanity.

  125. One of my scariest acts of desperation was trying to take a shower HOLDING my naked infant, thinking we would both be clean in faster time then giving her a bath separately before/after my shower. She really got slippery fast and the whole thing was a disaster. We survived, but I don't think we actually ended up very clean, just rinsed down! Stupid idea...

  126. I love it when I find myself typing LOL and actually am. A lot.

  127. How could I not know her?

    SHe is fantastic

    I'll even swear about it--


    *hope you don't lose your sponsors now, sorry, got carried away*

  128. Oh how I wish you were my neighbour!

  129. I value sleep way more than what people think... my child sleeps with me and that's how it is going to stay until I find the courage to convince her she likes her crib. It won't be this week!!

    Love the piece!

  130. Ahhh! I really needed that. Mostly because I recently had one childless jackhole explain how you just tell a raving 1 1/2 year old to calm down and the other telling me that facebook is full of "bored stay at home Moms". I'd wish them both instantly pregnant but I'm not sure that'd be fair to the kids.

  131. I think I get the idiot award. My first job when I was 18 was working in retail, and I actually swore I would never TAKE MY KIDS IN A STORE. What the hell could I have been thinking?? Someone would deliver my groceries??

  132. My cousin just turned me onto your Blog and am I ever glad she did. 6.5 months pregnant and not knowing what I have in store for me in the next few months has me uncomfortably laughing at all the above!!!

    Oh gawd.... when I thought I was ready - Im really not - thank you Missy for pointing that out!


  133. They all think I'm officially tweeked out... just found this blog post while pottying alone (FINALLY) and I'm cackling away in here all by myself - very loudly I might add. Wow, totally needed those laughs. Thanks so much! Best pee ever.

  134. "I once threw an open bag of cheesies down the basement stairs to stop my kids from fighting like drunk white girls while I was on a really important phone call. They swarmed it like racoons and ate all the trans fat goodness silently off the floor. "

    AHAHAHAHAHAH!! Oh yeah. Sweet.

  135. I was NEVER going to be that Mom, the one with the screaming tantrum throwing beast of an undisciplined toddler! I thought it was a complete lack of parenting skill and attention! Then my second son arrived and I realized that it had nothing to do with environment and everything to do with individual personality! All of this was learned quickly, while carrying my toddler by the ankle flung over my back out of target while he beat on my bad screaming "you're not my mommy!" all because I would not allow him to buy the $150 toy he "needed"!

  136. My "I will never" -"do you want a spanking?" I hated that phrase when my mother said it. Seriously, what child is going to say "well thank you I would love one!"
    But I have said it and I have said it more than once. And I am pretty sure I will say it again.

  137. one of the best things i have ever read...besides goodnight moon of course.

  138. Christine said...
    I would throw a shoe at the dumb 20-something me who proclaimed she would never travel on airplanes with small children. Yup, b/c Grandma and Grandpa and every other relative who lives 850 miles away or more (which is, well, all of them, b/c my husband and I have isolated ourselves on the east coast) would keep very quiet about never seeing the grandkids. And super-long car trips with multiple small kids are such joys, right?


  139. This is an awesome post. I was that naive girl who said that I would never let my kid watch those stupid kids shows with the giant people in costumes, where all they do is sing and dance around like (well to us adults) crazy people. Nope, it was only going to be like baby einstein and puppets like seasame street for my little one. That is until the first time my roomate had yo gabba gabba on the tv for her little one, and my 14 month old baby started giggling and dancing we watch at least one episode every morning while I make her breakfast...

  140. I swore that I would *never* fly with a baby, I did and survived. In fact, she was an angel the entire trip.... until we landed. She woke up screaming from the pressure change and then I promptly suck a "suckie" (pacifer) in her mouth to shut her up. Yeah, I'm that mom. I've done just about everything listed above and she is only 18 months old! And I have another one ude a month before she turns two.... What were DH and I thinking?!? LOL. :D

  141. I think you forgot "I will never cut the crusts of off sandwiches". Yep, because moms who do this are turning their kids into snotty little hellians who will always want everything precisely their way. Oh, wait, all kids (and most adults) want that? Oh, wait, if I leave the crust on, you're going to pull it off anyway and leave a PBJ trail from plate to table to carpet to brand new $15 freakin' white t-shirt I bought you because "omigosh, adorable!" (do designers have kids? have they MET kids?) and end up only eating five bites of sandwich anyway? Yep, I'll take the extra 30 seconds cutting the damn crust off; it's 20 fewer minutes of scrubbing later (as if nothing else will need scrubbing...). -Katy

  142. You are my new best friends. That is all.

  143. I love this post more than my kids right now!

  144. I've been browsing online more than three hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours.
    It's pretty worth enough for me. Personally, if all
    web owners and bloggers made good content as you did,
    the web will be much more useful than ever before.

    Also visit my web page - Sherry K. Harrell

  145. Hiya! Quick question that's entirely off topic. Do you know how
    to make your site mobile friendly? My website looks
    weird when browsing from my iphone4. I'm trying to find a theme or
    plugin that might be able to fix this problem. If you have
    any suggestions, please share. Appreciate it!

    My web site Tracy L. McWilliams

  146. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on travel. Regards

    Also visit my website Cora M. Phillips

  147. You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but
    I find this topic to be actually something that I think I would never understand.
    It seems too complicated and very broad for me. I'm
    looking forward for your next post, I'll try to get the hang of it!

    my homepage: Eva R. Phillips




Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Popular Posts