Mom In A Million. We just love her and (gasp) we actually know her(!). She came out to Kate's house and drank T-boxes in the driveway with us one time. And she was as hilarious and cool in person as the great stuff she posts on her blog. Plus she's always willing to help us when we get confused, which is a lot. Thank you so much Rebekah, being awesome sauce and also for writing this guest post on the all-important, ubiquitous maternal topic of crap.
It does. Any parent who’s ever obsessed about an infants pooping schedule can tell you that it’s true. Except when it isn’t true and the baby doesn’t poop for three days and you frantically phone the pediatrician with a copy of What to Expect in the First Year in one hand and a bottle of prune juice in the other wildly begging for a poop solution. Meanwhile, the baby is probably happily playing with your car keys and not worrying about poop at all.
Poop happens to all of us. Preferably, it happens in the privacy of our home bathrooms where strangers, co-workers and in-laws can remain blissfully unaware of the workings of our GI tracts. These little poop sojourns can be blissful time for mommies because when else can you sit down and flip through InStyle for a few minutes? OK, never if you have a toddler because no doubt the little ingrate will barge right on in and peer at you as you sit, pants around your ankles, and cheerfully ask “What are you doing?” as you close your eyes and pray to Maude to get him out of the freakin’ bathroom so you can poop in peace!
Because we do sometimes need to poop in public and because none of us want to be responsible for contributing to the Ick Factor that makes finding a clean stall in Target feel like a game of Whack-A-Poop-Mole, we should all engage in some Pooping Etiquette.
• Courtesy Flush: Sometimes, when you’ve had a lot of fiber for breakfast, pooping is more marathon than sprint. In cases like this, it’s only fair to the others around you to flush repeatedly during the process. Get rid of the evidence while still committing the crime, as it were. Yeah, I know, flushing while you’re still stilling on the pot seems like a recipe for getting your butt sprayed with toilet water but you can Purell your butt when you’re done. Other people can’t Purell their noses.
• Follow Through: Not all flush mechanisms are created equal. Some are deliberately created to be less equal. In my office we had low-flow flushers installed to make our bathrooms greener by using less water. That means the flush is ineffective about 50% of the time and often leaves things in the bowl that no one needs to see. Keep your diet secrets to yourself, please, and just keep flushing until the water runs clear. I know it’s not as environmentally friendly but at the same time, it’s friendly to those in your immediate environment and they will thank you for it.
• Spritz: If there’s air freshener available, use it. ‘Nuff said.
• Wipe: Wiping is not just for your tush. Wipe down the seat if there’s anything on it. Even if it’s just water from repeated flushing. Even if it’s the Purell you dripped on it while trying to disinfect your butt. Wipe, wipe, wipe because no one else wants to wipe up your mess, including the people who clean the bathroom and get paid far too little to be responsible for your mess!
You can totally come drink with us! Just, um...
Maybe don't read Lydia's post about why she can't go to back to Five Guys, mmkay? Because you may not like her anymore.
Thanks again Mom-in-a-Million! You're the schmidt!
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