Tuesday, July 13, 2010

SGW: Top Ten Things Never to Say to A Pregnant Woman

Today's Special Guest Writer is a very dear friend of ours.  "Friendship" may not be the most accurate word to describe our relationship.  "Mutual stalking" may be more accurate.  We adore her and think she is the most hilarious, brilliant, talented person we have never met.  In addition to being an amazing blogger, she is a graphic designer/art director who did the new MommyLand logo. 

If you want to get a sense of who this woman is her overwhelming awesomeness, then click here.  It's the "About Me" section of her blog and I have never read anything even remotely as funny.  She started her blog to dispel the scary myths and misinformation having to do with pregnancy.  And she always bring the funny.  She actually published this a while ago but we really, really wanted to share it with you. 


10."You look so big/small." Remember when you were a teenager and you didn't want to be unique in any way? Well pregnancy is the same and nobody wants to be told they look huge or teeny because it just scares them. Anything different from other pregnant women = weird = giant freak baby or creepy peanut baby.


9."Haven't you had that baby yet?" If that woman's pregnancy seems long to you I can almost guarantee that it feels like about 30 years to her. Pregnant woman who are asked this question should be legally exempt from murder convictions.

8."You look tired, you must be having a girl because they steal your beauty." Someone actually said this to my friend. So really what you're saying is "you look like shmidt". Thanks. I think the response to this should be "And you must be upside down because all I see is a jackhole talking". (I just made that up.)

7."So do your nipples look weird? Mine went all crazy." Pardon? Unless this pregnant woman is someone that would tell you about her anal leakage or an odd growth on her armpit, then don't ask this kind of stuff and don't share this kind of crap with anybody. Ever.

6."Sleep now because you won't get any when the baby gets here." What the hell does this mean anyway? It's not like you can bank sleep. It's like saying "Don't eat this year because an all-you-can-eat-buffet is opening up next March." Plus, who says that the woman you're saying this to is sleeping now? She may be a congested ball of heartburn, hemorrhoids and back pain so this kind of thing just adds insult to injury.

5."Were you hoping for a girl/boy?" It's not really anyone's business and if she ain't sharin' don't you dare ask. If you're asked this you should answer that you were actually hoping for a puppy that could fart rainbows then just walk away.

4."Was this an accident?" A woman's reply to this should always be "suck my dick." It's a nice, clean, confusing retort for someone that is rude enough to ask this kind of question.

3."I hate that name." Really? Oh okay, then they won't name it that. Nobody cares that a girl named Angela took your oatmeal raisin cookie in grade two so don't lift up the tarp covering your mental baggage. On a similar note, if they want to name their kid Adolph or Kleenex just nod and say "nice" – that will be the least of that kid's problems anyway.

2."Did you use fertility drugs?" I don't want to get all misty here but all babies are miracles and by asking a question like that you're somehow implying that babies that were conceived with 'help' are different from babies that weren't. Not cool so don't ask.

1."Should you be eating that?" This whole website is about people embellishing myths and half truths to scare the crap out of pregnant ladies. So unless she's about to accidentally snack on dog shit, don't say anything and let the poor girl eat.

Finally, there are three things you always say to pregnant women:

"You look fantastic" Even if she is a sweaty, wheezing Jabba the Hut with swollen ankles and a maternity top that no longer covers her fish pail, tell her she looks fantastic. She is making a person and that's pretty fantastic.

"That's wonderful" If she tells you she's going to give birth squatting in a Mr. Turtle pool surrounded by chanting Tibetan squirrels, you say "that sounds wonderful". Every pregnant woman makes about 200 declarations of what she is and isn't going to do and about 4 stick. Don't ruin her moments.

"It's going to be alright" When she starts crying because the pizza shows up wrong or she panics because she used regular detergent to wash the baby's onesies so she'll be a horrible mother or simply because she threw a reciprocating saw at your head because "you're too much of a retard to understand what she's going through." This is when it's a good idea to pull out "it's going to be alright." A side car of "you look fantastic" couldn't hurt either.


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44 comments:

  1. ...simply because she threw a reciprocating saw at your head because "you're too much of a retard to understand what she's going through."

    -- FUNNIEST LINE EVER!!

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  2. I have three weeks left in my fourth pregnancy and had a complete, messy, wet mental breakdown on my husband last night for all his "failings" during the last few months, for which he did feed me that much needed "It's going to be all right". Plus, at 43, my OB has informed me that I'm "no spring chicken." (Nice pun for your site, ha.)

    I needed this soooo much. A little Mommy perspective can really make a difference. Thanks.

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  3. This doesn't fall under what not to say, but another good rule is to keep your hands to yourself!!! When I was 6 months pregnant I was flying home for a baby shower and I was in first class (my ex worked for the airline so it was free). That means everyone walked by me as they boarded and a couple actually patted my belly on their way by!!!! Gross. I don't know you!!!
    And at the end of that pregnancy my Colombian mother-in-law stayed with us and would kiss my belly and make the sign of the cross over it (I am not Catholic) each night before bed. I didn't even want my husband kissing my belly at that point. Ewww.

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  4. As a mom of twins, it never ceases to amaze me that people feel they can ask if I used fertility treatments. Why yes, yes I did. Now let's discuss the most physically and emotionally wrenching period in *your* life.

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  5. As someone who just jumped back on the preggo wagon, I really needed to hear this today! I *did* use fertility meds to help things along because of a health condition...but you can bet your boots I'm going to knock someone out if they dare ask me that. Talk about none of your freakin business! Also, I'm probably going to stay a bit on the small side for this pregnancy because of said medical condition, so I'm also not looking forward to the jabber about that. I paid my dues with my daughter! Big as a house, party of one!!!! (I actually had one jerkface who said he DIDN'T BELIEVE ME when I told him I'd had my daughter 5 weeks earlier!! He said, "Aww, you're messing with me, you're still HUGE!" Really? Seriously? There were serious thoughts about his demise after taht little chat....) So yeah, thanks a million. I REALLLLLLLLY needed this :)

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  6. LOL!! I died at the pizza comment because that actually happened to me with my first pregnancy. I ordered a thin crust, it showed up as a regular crust, and I just cried and cried. It's one of my husband's favorite stories to tell.

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  7. On the other side of things, be VERY sure a woman is pregnant before you start asking about it. My wife and I were in a jewelry store looking at right hand rings for her. The salesman asked when we were due. Needless to say, he lost his commission. (we are not having more kids...)

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  8. Telling a pregnant woman she's going to be hot in the summer gets me, too. Really? I wasn't hot every summer for the past XX years or anything so thanks for informing me that the humid midwestern summer would make me uncomfortable.

    I have 5 kids but 3 were born in September. People have said "Well we know what you were doing when it snowed." I think we know what I was doing when it didn't snow, too, idiot. Doesn't mean the conception of my children is any of your business.

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  9. "Did you use fertility treatments?"

    Response:
    "Does lots of hot dirty monkey sex count as 'fertility treatments'?"

    Suck it, fancy.

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  10. THERES THE PICTURE OF MY MOTHER IN LAW! AAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

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  11. She forgot the "you look way too young to be pregnant/have all of those kids", or worse "you're done now, right???". I got this all the time with my 3rd, as if it's anybody's business how many kids I have and if I will have more. Sheesh

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  12. This should be put on a mass distribution list and forwarded to EVERYONE on the planet!! And it's always so fun when I get asked about my nipples...oh wait.

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  13. How about with two boys now, "So, you're trying for a girl right?" WTH? Ummmmm, no, we're lucky enough to have the 2 healthy babes we have now, douchebag, are you planning on growing a 3rd nipple?

    On a funnier note, I pulled a crying jag one night, my kankles were so huge they were falling over my socks and my husband was later than he said he would be for dinner. When he got home I burst into tears midway through fixing dinner, and he asked me what was wrong. I lifted up my sweat pants (one of the 2 pair that fit by then) and his eyes bulged out of his head. He reached over and turned off the stove, and told me to go lay down with my feet up and go to sleep. It was a sweet moment.....

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  14. Four days before I had my little girl, I was in Wal-Mart looking for a tv show to buy on DVD. I was huge. Like other-pregnant-women-would-look-at me-with-fear-in-their-eyes, huge. I would show you a picture if I knew how. I was epic. Well I was deliberating and trying to ignore the fact that I wanted to throw up again when a sales lady came up to me and said, "Can you sit down please?"

    "I'm sorry?"

    "Honey, I will bring DVD's to you. You are so big. It hurts looking at you. I am asking you on behalf of all the staff here, could you please have that baby?"

    I had no idea how to react to that. I told her that I was scheduled for the following Tuesday and that it was happening soon enough. What was her reply? "They couldn't get you in sooner?! You're enormous."

    It was a high self image day for me.

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  15. I think I have the winning comment from being pregnant with my son. The day I found out I would be induced in a week I went to the store all excited to pick up the last few things. A nice looking old woman (who I now know is the devil) asked me if we had found out the gender, and we excitedly said "It's a BOY!" The woman let out a tsk and said "I hope you know you just ruined your labor since the only thing that makes it worth while is finding out the gender." I stood there turning red with anger....what about meeting the damn baby? Stupid old bitch!

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  16. Please, please add this: Keep your (or your friends') 4-day-labor or my-baby-almost-died horrible birthstories to yourself around pregnant mamas. You may have PTSD and need to tell and retell your story to help your healing, but that's what counselors are for. You have no right to traumatize a mama-to-be

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  17. I totally agree with keep your hands to yourself. I was working as a waitress when pregnant with my second kid and had a very drunk woman wave me over. Thinking she wanted me to order her something, I walked over and asked if I could help her. Then proceeded to leap out of my skin as she grabs my belly and tells me how wonderful it is to be pregnant. Thank god I never saw her again, she also had a tendency to try to kiss my very happily married boss.

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  18. I got these little gems:

    *glances at my belly, then my naked wedding ring finger, then my belly, then my face* "Do you know who the father is?"

    "My, aren't you looking...healthy. So much nicer to look at than other pregnant woman who maybe haven't gained much weight."

    "Have you tried such-and-such a cream for that acne?"


    I think there's something about a pregnant belly that does one of 2 things to people: it turns them into a burbling verbal retard, or it makes them a giant See You Next Tuesday-y McBiznatchapants.

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  19. My 2nd trimester pregnant coworker was told by her friend upon meeting him (yes, him) for lunch, "Geez, what happened? You've exploded since I last saw you!" WTF!? Some people are just plain dumb.

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  20. Ya. My sister has five kiddoes. And after #4 and #5, her MIL not Only said, "You guys are Done, right?" But ALSO gave her son the number for a local vasectomy doc AND offered to make the appt/take him while they were visiting CO from LA. No joke. B*&ch!

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  21. When I was 6 months preggers with twins, I remember nailing my husband clear across the kitchen with a strawberry yogurt. I have no idea why. I am not a violent person. Thankfully he no longer tells me I throw like a girl.

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  22. The "It's going to be alright" paragraph made me laugh so hard I cried. At work. Now people are looking at me funny. So thanks! ;)

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  23. When I was pregnant with my first, I attempted to stuff something into the freezer. It didn't work and most of the contents of the freezer came flying out onto the floor. My husband started laughing. Normally I am a pretty clean-talker, but I yelled, "Shut up Dickhead." We both looked at each other for a minute, eyes bugged out, then burst out laughing. If I'd had a yogurt in my hand, I would've launched it too!

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  24. I'm enjoying reading the comments as much as the entry itself!
    I have to admit - please don't throw things! - I am guilty of #6, but ONLY because I am insanely jealous of anyone who gets to sleep through the night before their kiddo is a year old! (Three guesses why...) However, I have learned my lesson and after reading this, will never, ever say that again!

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  25. I love this! My favorite comment while I was pregnant was from my husband's boss. "Are you sure there's only one in there?"

    From the look on his face, you would think he never made a pregnant woman cry in the middle of a hardware store before. D-bag.

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  26. Oh thank you. I am currently pregnant with baby #1... and people are driving me insane. I just posted this to my Facebook. :)

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  27. The day before I delivered (11 days early), I complained to some coworkers that I was having some pains. A male coworkers told me I probably just had gas. The next day, when I called in to work to say I had the baby, another male coworker apparently said to the "gas" coworker that he was not surprised I had the baby because I was pretty huge.

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  28. One of my favourite moments was when I announced to my mother in law that baby #4 was a boy and she literally hung her head and dropped her shoulders in a show of disappointment. Or when I was pregnant with my second child and a family friend said to me, in August (baby born in November): "You can't have very far to go, you're huge!" and then looked shocked when I shared I still had three months to go. I could go on and on. The "It's going to be all right" paragraph is my favourite too.

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  29. This is so good and all so, sadly, true! I've had four children and have heard more than my insensitive ignorant remarks from everyone to strangers, to my mother-in-law, my husband and family friends. I wish I could have read this back then; I'd have told a lot of people to suck my dick without hesitation. Instead, crying was a typical response. Sigh. Oh and for anyone else who feels the need to ask, yes we are done having children. Yes we have four. That does not make us the Duggars. End it.

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  30. Holy Crap!! I was crying from laughing so hard...Both my best friend and I are pregnant and she called me mid-meltdown because Papa Murphy's messed up her pizza...I offered to help her burn the place down because that is unacceptable!!

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  31. You know how you usually think of the perfect retort after some jackhole says something stupid? I was pretty proud of myself for coming up with this one on the spot:

    Jackhole: "Do you know what it is?"
    Me: "Well, we're hoping it's a baby but a monkey might be nice."

    And for the record, I dreamed that night that the baby came out and it was, in fact, a monkey, and we were quite pleased about it. :-)

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  32. The giving birth in the Mr. Turtle pool with the Tibetan squirrels was really one of the funniest things I have ever read. Living in California, I'm sure that one of my neighbors has done it. Probably with sage burning somewhere nearby.

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  33. # 10 is the worst for me - people always commenting on my size. The worst is when they say "you're not big AT ALL and you're how far along?!?!" while they laugh! Why is it funny that I'm smaller than your fat wife was when she was pregnant with twins?!?! I vented to my doctor about this and he said those are the times when you want to take a leaf out of Winston Churchill's books and respond something like "yes, but you're ugly and someday, I won't be pregnant anymore but you will still be ugly!"

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  34. I'm 32 wks preggo, and here's a conversation I've had repeatedly in recent weeks:

    Q: Do you know if you're having a boy or a girl?
    A: Yes.
    Q: (confused look) What?
    A: Well, it will be one of the two.

    Thus far I have been lucky enough in both pregnancies to NOT have had any strangers touch my belly, but my planned response in the event that it happens in the next few weeks is: "You know that's not my stomach, right? It's my UTERUS, now get your dirty hands off it!!!"

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  35. All of these are BANG ON. I used to get the comment, "Are you SURE it's not twins in there?" (I was really sure, and had the pictures to prove it ... so thanks for reminding me how FAT I am, jackhole!)

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  36. At 30 weeks I had pictures done with my daughter. When my aunt saw them she said, "Wow, you look like you haven't gained any weight!" I know she meant that to be a nice thing, but it was honestly the most awful thing anyone could have ever said to me. "So, what you are saying is, I ALWAYS look 40 lbs overweight, AND like I swallowed a whole watermelon. Thanks. I feel so much better."

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  37. When I was pregnant with our daughter, a lady told me that she knew the baby was a girl because I gained so much weight in my hips and butt. Thanks.

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  38. I had two beautiful children, a boy and a girl, but oh, what I wouldn't give to have a puppy that farts out rainbows. *Sigh*

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  39. OMGosh! I could write a book on stupid things people said to me whilst I was pregnant. When I was pregnant with my first I was working at a department store. A woman walked up to me and said, "Oh when are you due". I was only three months along and already a house on feet. I replied "April". To which she gasped and asked "OMG! Are you having twins?" I replied, "No. I'm just really fat!" and walked away. Or there was the time my grandmother-in-law asked me "So just how much weight do you plan to gain in this pregnancy?". Nice. But my favorite was when I was working at afore mentioned department store and I was placing some merchandise on a shelf above me. An older woman approached me and said "Oh honey, don't raise your arms above your head like that! The umbilical cord will wrap around the baby's neck and strangle it". I just stood there and looked at her in shock. WTH do you say to something like that????

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  40. I only had one belly touching encounter where a friend of my mother-in-law happened to be at my office. She cornered me in my cubicle and started slowly rubbing my mini baby bump (4 months pregnant) in a creepy circular motion and started singing a lullaby to her "grandchild". I tried to back away but my chair hit my desk and there was no escape. My coworkers laughed so hard and I wish I had a defense mechanism ready....

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  41. Yup, all of these. So spot-on.

    When we told my dad we were having a girl, his response was, "Oh, that's too bad. Are you going to try to have a boy next then?" (He's already got three granddaughters, but still...)

    We've decided to name our daughter a family name (my grandfather's last name)...and when I've told a few of my relatives, their response is, "Oh, there's already one of those in the family." As if we're going to change her name because some distant fourth cousin who lives halfway across the country and we've never met has the same first name. Because there wasn't more than one "Lisa" or "Rebecca" or "Sarah" before now either...

    At the moment, I'm just about 41 weeks pregnant, and I had to put a status update on Facebook saying, "Lisa has nothing exciting to report yet" - just to avoid all the annoying, "Any sign of her yet?" My hubby has been getting asked every day, too. So we've agreed that anyone who asks will get the reply, "Oh, crap - that's right - we had her a few weeks ago and just decided to leave her with the nannies for awhile and not tell anyone. We needed a break." Sigh... I know they're just excited, but for god's sake...enough with the pressure!

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  42. At 4 months pregnant my husband's grandmother said "Oh honey, you don't look pregnant. You just look like you put on a few pounds."
    Gee thanks.
    I think she was trying to say something nice because maybe in the 50's when she was pregnant, looking pregnant was a bad thing, but I would much rather look pregnant than just fat!

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  43. I have asked pregnant friends if they have a gender preference, but *only* really close friends, though I would fully understand if one of them told me it's none of my freakin' business. In fact, I fully expect my friends to tell me that on a regular basis on all sorts of topics, just as I would tell them the same!

    When one of my cousins was pregnant with her 1st, people asked her if she were having twins. When she said 'no' they started cautioning her on weight and baby health, which, of course, made her feel horrible. Turns out she was having a nearly 11 lb child and felt much better after the birth, but we had to tell off a few peeps for calling her out on her size while pregnant

    When same cousin was having the second baby, people would see her and her red haired 1st child and ask her, I kid you not, "Will your next baby have red hair too" or "Do you know the hair color of the second baby". Hair color of a unborn child? Really people?

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  44. I just gave birth to my fourth child after having 3 girls. My oldest is my step-daughter and when she told her mom I was pregnant, she asked her if it was an accident! I couldn't believe it. Bad enough to ask me that but to ask my child is just rediculous! I also had a saleslady tell me "well, that's a little close together, but whatever, I guess..." (my last two are 16 months apart).

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