Friday, July 16, 2010

Text ME? No, honey - Text YOU.

We had a friend from Hong Kong send us an awesome suggestion for a post about texting.  That's right, I said Hong Kong.  Sadly, the suggestion had nothing to do with Hello Kitty or spycraft.  We actually have people who read our blog in Asia because unlike Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock, we are internationally known but not known to rock the microphone.  And now you have "It Takes Two" stuck in your brain like an earworm and you're very welcome.

But I digress...

Our friend in Hong Kong suggested we do a post consisting of the ridiculous and random texts we all receive.  His example was; "I'm in a meeting at work, my phone goes off, I look down to read the following text message: Do you remember the last time Jacob did a poo? I mean how random is that? I had to laugh."

Oh yes, my friend.  I know just what you mean.

From Lydia to the Cap'n:
How old is this pastrami? The first half of my sandwich tasted good...

From the Cap'n to Lydia:
I know you've only been gone an hour but the big kids are acting suspiciously evil. Please come home.

To Lucy (my teenage sister) from Lydia:
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor.  Never slap Chuck Norris.

From Lydia to Kate:
Why don't they call this show So You Think You Can Cry?  Everybody is crying.  All the time.  Except for that one guy.  WHERE ARE MY TEARS, B*TCH?

From Lydia to the Cap'n:
Please do not walk into this house unless you are bringing a bottle of wine with you. 

From Kate to Lydia:
Was that you?  Waving a large, gold Croc out your window while driving down Main Street? 

To Lydia from Lucy:
Chuck Norris destroyed the Periodic Table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

From Lydia to Kate:
If I have to quit whining, I will lose my will to live.

From the Cap'n to Lydia:
I love you too but Target was out of eggs.

From Kate to Lydia:
Are you coming over here?  The queso dip is in danger.  Almost as great as the danger *to my ass* if I eat all of it before you get here.  Hurry.

To Lucy from Lydia:
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper.  There was a problem; it wouldn't take sh*t from anyone.

To Lydia from Kate:
Why aren't you here? The Pastor showed up at the kid event.  He was riding his bike and was in full spandex.  I didn't want to do it.  I just couldn't stop myself.  I saw his package.  Now I have to switch churches.

To the Cap'n from Lydia:
Can you stop at the store on your way home?  We need diaper cream and scotch.

To Lydia from Kate:
The man's name is Randy Cox.  That's not a joke.  And NO.  I don't need to actually meet him to be a jackhole because his name is RANDY COX.

From Kate to McLovin:
I think I killed the air conditioner. Which button do you press?

From the Cap'n to Lydia:
If your mom calls do I have to pick up the phone?

From McLovin to Kate:
Why are you texting me? Pick up the phone woman, you're not 17.

From McLovin to Kate:
and PLEASE don't touch the AC. Christ, you'll kill it.

To Ellen from Lydia:
Can I walk down to your house and borrow a box of pasta and Season 1 of Little House on the Prairie?

From Kate to Lydia:
Thank you for that image seared in my brain. Now I have to gouge out my eyes. Switching churches won't fix this.

To Lucy from Lydia:
We live in an expanding universe.  All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

To Kate from Lydia:
I just spilled coffee on the boobage of my brand new shirt.  I have had the dang thing on for eleven minutes.  Stop laughing.

To Lydia from Kate:
I just left church & you weren't there this AM. That is NO BUENO.  Because of you, I kept thinking about a certain package & trying not to giggle *or* throw up in my mouth.  People thought I had forgotten my medication.  Gracias.

I would LOVE to know if others out there are the senders or receivers of this kind of ridiculousness.  Leave a comment here, on Facebook or via email: lydia.and.kate@rantsfrommommyland.com and we'll update this list all day.

xo, Lydia (and Kate...)     

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