Friday, July 16, 2010

Text ME? No, honey - Text YOU.

We had a friend from Hong Kong send us an awesome suggestion for a post about texting.  That's right, I said Hong Kong.  Sadly, the suggestion had nothing to do with Hello Kitty or spycraft.  We actually have people who read our blog in Asia because unlike Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock, we are internationally known but not known to rock the microphone.  And now you have "It Takes Two" stuck in your brain like an earworm and you're very welcome.

But I digress...

Our friend in Hong Kong suggested we do a post consisting of the ridiculous and random texts we all receive.  His example was; "I'm in a meeting at work, my phone goes off, I look down to read the following text message: Do you remember the last time Jacob did a poo? I mean how random is that? I had to laugh."

Oh yes, my friend.  I know just what you mean.

From Lydia to the Cap'n:
How old is this pastrami? The first half of my sandwich tasted good...

From the Cap'n to Lydia:
I know you've only been gone an hour but the big kids are acting suspiciously evil. Please come home.

To Lucy (my teenage sister) from Lydia:
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor.  Never slap Chuck Norris.

From Lydia to Kate:
Why don't they call this show So You Think You Can Cry?  Everybody is crying.  All the time.  Except for that one guy.  WHERE ARE MY TEARS, B*TCH?

From Lydia to the Cap'n:
Please do not walk into this house unless you are bringing a bottle of wine with you. 

From Kate to Lydia:
Was that you?  Waving a large, gold Croc out your window while driving down Main Street? 

To Lydia from Lucy:
Chuck Norris destroyed the Periodic Table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

From Lydia to Kate:
If I have to quit whining, I will lose my will to live.

From the Cap'n to Lydia:
I love you too but Target was out of eggs.

From Kate to Lydia:
Are you coming over here?  The queso dip is in danger.  Almost as great as the danger *to my ass* if I eat all of it before you get here.  Hurry.

To Lucy from Lydia:
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper.  There was a problem; it wouldn't take sh*t from anyone.

To Lydia from Kate:
Why aren't you here? The Pastor showed up at the kid event.  He was riding his bike and was in full spandex.  I didn't want to do it.  I just couldn't stop myself.  I saw his package.  Now I have to switch churches.

To the Cap'n from Lydia:
Can you stop at the store on your way home?  We need diaper cream and scotch.

To Lydia from Kate:
The man's name is Randy Cox.  That's not a joke.  And NO.  I don't need to actually meet him to be a jackhole because his name is RANDY COX.

From Kate to McLovin:
I think I killed the air conditioner. Which button do you press?

From the Cap'n to Lydia:
If your mom calls do I have to pick up the phone?

From McLovin to Kate:
Why are you texting me? Pick up the phone woman, you're not 17.

From McLovin to Kate:
and PLEASE don't touch the AC. Christ, you'll kill it.

To Ellen from Lydia:
Can I walk down to your house and borrow a box of pasta and Season 1 of Little House on the Prairie?

From Kate to Lydia:
Thank you for that image seared in my brain. Now I have to gouge out my eyes. Switching churches won't fix this.

To Lucy from Lydia:
We live in an expanding universe.  All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

To Kate from Lydia:
I just spilled coffee on the boobage of my brand new shirt.  I have had the dang thing on for eleven minutes.  Stop laughing.

To Lydia from Kate:
I just left church & you weren't there this AM. That is NO BUENO.  Because of you, I kept thinking about a certain package & trying not to giggle *or* throw up in my mouth.  People thought I had forgotten my medication.  Gracias.

I would LOVE to know if others out there are the senders or receivers of this kind of ridiculousness.  Leave a comment here, on Facebook or via email: and we'll update this list all day.

xo, Lydia (and Kate...)     

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  1. Mom to me: i need u to come over and help me with my phone.

    me to mom: what's wrong with your phone?

    mom to me: it wont send txts

    me to mom: you mean like the ones you just sent?!?

    mom to me: nvrmind

    (of course this is the woman who left me a message on my answering machine asking why my phone was out of service...ON.MY.PHONE'S. ANSWERING.MACHINE....really!)

  2. Big Twilight fan here. Poor hubby thinks I'm a pedophile. He was in his Navy whites last weekend for drill and sent me a pic of himself on his phone, along with the message, "Team Edward, Team Jacob, or Team John"

  3. Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer, too bad Chuck never cries.

    (That was not a text by the way, I just love me some Chuck Norris jokes.) You can text that back to Lucy next time.

  4. Oh wow, thank you, thank you! I knew if I came over here I'd get a much needed laugh this morning before work!

    I am not a texter. I don't love it. My husband and his buddies are HUGE texters. Drives me nuts. Now I work for one of those guys and he texts me constantly.

  5. Dh to me: In the car on the way home [from business trip]. J___ has his shoes off.

    Me to DH: Your child is insane.

  6. hubby to me: I hate this shit!!!! If I had hair I would have pulled it out..

    (He was waiting on something that the Army messed up. Again. )

  7. From me to a friend, in response to a question about my wedding:

    My mom will probably wear pants too. No big deal. I know you will shower. Some of L****'s relatives are questionable.

  8. From Clark Kent: "Ok, the businessman in front of me is breaking the teenage girl record of consecutive minutes on a useless phone call. I'm not sure how the business person on the other end is still awake. Thank god for headphones." Yep. He was on the train.
    xo- Dagney
    PS- I LOVE Chuck Norris quotes. Clark once got me a book of them as a stocking stuffer.
    PPS- When I saw that your friend wanted to borrow Season 1, I laughed out loud. And then I realized it was for LHOT Prairie. Which was still funny but not as much as someone who wants to borrow your ex. THAT would be awesome.

  9. From Me to DH: Your son just shut his penis in my phone
    DH: Is he alright!
    Me: He's fine. He just got the tip, and then he couldn't figure out how to get it out.

  10. From My 20 yr old working at daycamp: Reed, why did you pee on the wall. His reply: my pee pee is crooked Miss Tootie, I can't help it.

    later: Miss Tootie, someone kicked me in my "tenders".

  11. Me to ex husband yesterday:
    Where a cup to bed if you let the kids sleep with you. Alyssa says she is going to kick you in the wiener in her sleep.

    This was after her sister said she kicked daddy in the butt the night before. Alyssa is 5.

  12. @ Tiffany: Best thing I have ever read in my ENTIRE life!!!!

  13. For Maudesake, Kate don't poke your eyes out! Then that would have been the last thing you ever saw! You have to look at something you really, really will like, but cannot won't be able to get the image of something you can't have off of your mind and that will take care of that. (I had to decide that after and incident at my parent's house. Oh and after another incident, too!)
    Too too funny today. That's the hardest I've laughed in a week.

  14. Me to dh at work.. "Your son can't go to sleep because he can't find his brain"

  15. Me to my friend Lynette:

    I read a review of Twilight: Eclipse that said the only people who will be seeing this movie are gay men, teens, and middle-aged moms. I just walked out of the matinee where I was sitting between a gay man and a teen girl. Which makes me........f**k.

  16. Husband to me: They should give you a free cookie.
    Me to husband: Too late now, we're gone. no cookie was offered & the lady who told me was heavily accented.

    Me to my mother (re:my 4 yr old): 2nd time to the bathroom for a poop at Target. Seriously.
    Mom to me: So it's not just to amuse Namma.

    Perkins to me: Tell the butthead if she wants help with her college apps she will bbsit on the 24th!

    Husband to me: There is a family of six up here. The youngest is less than two.
    Me to Husband: Damn. Freakin' rabbits.

    Chuck Norris's calendar goes straight from March 31 to April 2. Nobody fools Chuck Norris.

  17. [Tried calling husband]
    Husband to me: Can you wait five minutes?
    Me to husband: Do you go right at intersection?
    Husband to me: Keep straight. Stick to left lane.
    Me to husband: Too late! I'm in the middle!
    Husband to me: You're fine. Just go straight.
    [Ten minutes later]
    Husband to me: You OK?
    Me to husband: ha ha
    Husband to me: Why ha ha?
    Me to husband: I'm not retarded

  18. From my younger brother on my 37th Birthday:

    "Happy Birthday. Laura {his wife} wants to know what 40 feels like. And, by 'Laura', I mean 'me'."

    My response:

    "It feels like kicking your ass.".

  19. Thanks for keeping us on our toes by switching around the "to/from" "from/to" stuff. ;)

  20. Tiggy to Me: "Is it bad *Shorty* asked for tylenol to help him sleep and calm down?"
    Me to Tiggy: "Whuck?"

  21. Hey, did you know that when Chuck Norris was in elementary school they had to cancel recess? Because Chuck Norris doesn't play.

    And I also heard that when life hands Chuck Norris lemons he uses them to break people's faces. Chuck Norris hates lemonade.

  22. Texts like these are the reason this technology was invented. Thanks for the laugh, ladies!

  23. J Dub, my husband, is a treasure trove of amusing texts.

    "Sup homette? How goes microhole action 2nite? Bet u rule the tables. Next week I getta babysitter for 2 hours and come mop up."

  24. As a "Pastor's wife"...those preacher ones had me rolling! :o) THANK YOU!!!

  25. I, too, am a pastor's wife and my husband is a cyclist - I laughed out loud and then proceeded to read the text to him. He laughed too because he won't cycle where he thinks ANY of his church members will see him, but he still torments his staff by walking around in his spandex in the office when he rides to work. Crazy man. He has a blue jersey and black shorts, I tried to talk him into blue shorts so we could call him the "Blue Streak". Did I mention he's also 6'5"?




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