From Bride to Kate:
Happy hasn't stopped talking since I got here. Good Lord. Why did you teach him words?
From Amy, the Pregnant Chicken to Lydia:
Some asshat crawled in my window and stole my laptop last week. I seriously hope my curse of anal warts and seasonal allergies proves successful but until then, the laptop is gone.
An actual text exchange between Kate and Lydia from yesterday afternoon...
Lydia: You're stupid. Because you haven't texted me all day. I'm going to go see Eclipse tonight. So suck on THAT.
Kate: I totally texted you. But in was in Braille. So maybe *you* just couldn't read it.
Lydia: I am not interested in your EXCUSES.
Lydia: I am not interested in your EXCUSES.
Kate: Braille isn't an excuse. It's a LANGUAGE. It's not my problem that you can't read it.
Lydia: Well, I just texted you a very strongly worded response in American Sign Language. So there's THAT.
Kate: You can't text hand signs, you stupid sack of hair. That's why you have a funking camera on your phone. See?Lydia: Yes, I see. Thank you for the bird finger. Right back at ya. And maybe YOU can't send hand signals, but like Chuck Norris, I can text any damn thing I want.
Kate: Chuck Norris doesn't text, stupid. He THINKS and the words appear.
Lydia: Oh snap. I have to go. I have hot dog juice on my pants.Kate: Of course you do. You are awesome.
From a reader - random texts between her and her cousins:
L: I am going to tell the psychiatrist that I am experimenting with a new form of therapy where I visualize my negative emotions being released when I fart.
Cousin: Do so! And she will say she has discovered a new mental illness!
L: My new professor looks like a character from a Tim Burton animation. Also. Why do all male professors have an inability to brush their hair?
Cousin: It's a prerequisite.
From Amy, the Pregnant Chicken to Lydia & Kate
I'm not going to show up to your t-box party and find out you're two old Russian men with candy in your pants, am I? I need to stop worrying about it
Me to Husband: "If I have to listen to these boys fight for one more minute I am going to put my head in the oven"
Husband: "Use a microwave, it's quicker"
Me to hubby: Took Charlie to tumbling and am currently sitting in the dr office waiting room. I just looked down and realized that I have poop on my shirt. Poetically, it is an accurate description of my day.
Text received by a mommy from ??: Ugh I did not want to get out of bed. I got naked last nite n Ian was using the broom n I fell asleep waiting 4 him. He said I was dead I felt bad.
I got a text from a number I didn't recognize one night...
Random Guy: Hey.
Me: Hey. Who is this?
Guy: This is Mark. Is this Rachel?
Me: No, this is Sharon. I don't know you.
Guy: Oh.
A little later in the evening...
Guy: What are you doing?
Me: Hanging out with my cousin.
Guy: Wanna go see a movie?
Me: (thinking, really? because that's not creepy at all) I'm 28 and married. With 2 kids. And 8 months pregnant.
Guy: Oh. Nevermind.
I was really surprised when he never texted back...
From Lydia to Lucy:
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72 and they're all poisonous.
I'll take the giant bottle of wine instead of the Jimmy Choos because we'd have an international incident when I try walking in them and snap my ankle like the Rold Gold pretzel stick I found in the couch this morning. Besides, I'm a big flats fan (I like to spell it phlats because it adds to my street cred) and they contain my Fred Flintstone feet. Aren't I painting a sexy picture for you?
And that concludes our delightful 3 part volume of the funniest texts we have ever sent or recieved.
Thank you very much to all the folks who sent in their stuff!
xo, Kate and Lydia
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I remember sending you that text. He literally talked the ENTIRE TIME I was there. At least he doesn't cry as soon as he sees me anymore, that was kind of a rough phase for me.
ReplyDeleteTo The Pregnant Chicken,
ReplyDeleteI have always said I have Fred Flintstone feet and never heard anyone else say that so, you are super awesome for that and now I don't feel so bad.
Thank you L for that bit about professors and hair! My son has a future after all!!!
ReplyDeleteok can you explain Lydia's obsession with Chuck Norris? thanks
ReplyDeleteOk, I am going to throw out a gem of amazingness----- hopefully you haven't seen it already (if so, it is still amazing). But fair warning: it is FOR ADULTS and it is addictive and HILARIOUS. Like, snort-while-laughing-funny, at times.
ReplyDeleteGo to www.textsfromlastnight.com
I have Fred Flintstone feet too! My husband calls them "brick feet."
ReplyDeleteLove all these old posts. I'm reading them in order from the beginning because my kids are all little. These are so fantastic and even still have Kate! I'm so excited that I have 5 years of these to read during late night feedings. Is that sad? Anyway these are super.