Thursday, July 1, 2010

Top Ten Bad Summer Discoveries

School is finally over. Which somehow produces both a WOOT! and a crap! at the same time. No more of the Morning Moonbat Spitting Cherries Rush (now known as the Mom Sucker) out the door...and also no one to keep those howler monkeys for the eight hours a day when my life is sane quiet.

And, as Kate was hanging up the last of the school clothes and putting away the backpacks for the next few months, she came upon a few things that she may wish she had known about a while back. You may want to really look around the house, Moms, because this is stuff that's bound to turn up.

10. [under the swim towels in the linen closet] The school library book that was supposed to have been returned three months ago. The same book that cost $11.95 to replace. Otherwise the school holds the report card. What is this, La Cosa Nostra? Lefty swore we didn't have it. Lefty also said Kate was banned from reading it because she does the voices wrong. The teacher does it way better.

9. [in McGee's closet] A lunchbox. With what is most likely the green fuzzy long-lost twin to the ham sandwich she took the last day of school. Also, a now-11 day old yogurt slowly oozing out of the distended foil lid. *Mental Note: Buy a new lunchbox for next fall. And more yogurt.

8. [in the "junk drawer" in the kitchen -- oh, admit it, you ALL have a junk drawer...pens, forgotten Christmas ornaments, phone lists you've never used but fear throwing away, random toys, batteries, takeout menus, and keys to places you don't even remember anymore...] Unwanted school photos you were supposed to return in April. Crap-crap-crapitty-crap. Do they have my credit card number? Or am I now a thief?

7. [in the "secret" compartment of Lefty's backpack] Evaluation letter for Advanced Placement for next year. FURCK! Kate, rather than being AP, realizes she need remedial parenting. *sigh*

6. [in e-mail inbox] Two-week-old message about 5th Grade End of Year Party. "Can you please supply juice boxes?" Uhhh, apparently not. Dawning realization as to *why* Room Mom glared at me on the last day of school. For the record, Hallmark doesn't make an "I'm a douche" card. But this one works:

5. [in Kate's wallet] Three gift card to awesome restaurant. Intended for McGee's, Lefty's and Happy's teachers as an end-of-year gift. Mur. Thur. Fur. Kur.

4. [in Happy's school bag] Financial agreement contract for 2010-2011 school year. Still unsigned. SCHMIDT. Kate immediately calls school to make sure he's still enrolled. Agrees to pay $40 late fee. Super. Our preschool has mastered extortion. Is that part of the curriculum?

3.[under Lefty's bed] Playdough Apache Indian project we put there for safekeeping while it dried. Whuck? Did we even turn it in? I. am. the. worst. mother. ever. (who. is. not. a. felon.)

2. [in McGee's backpack] My camera. With photos from the last day of school. And photos from last trip to Caribbean with McLovin. Alone. When we discovered "Mango Punch." And then decided it would be fun to take pictures. So we could remember. Now I know how the dog feels when he get discovered having gone through the trash. Oh, and those pictures could have been of anyone. I remember nothing.

1. [on Kate's desk] Registration forms for Summer Camp. Which starts next week. They're blank. Panic. Call camp number. "Mailbox full." Furkitty. It's gonna be a long summer.

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